taking my life back

Hi Peg

Thankyou so much for your email today... means alot

I did try to reply but my email seems to have gone to pot.......

Thanks Again

TC

Kim xxx

Hi my friend!

Lost the communication plot a bit lately - time and energy (or lack thereof) is an issue in EVERY area of my life at the moment. Always, important things are left undone.

I've been sressing cos I've put on some weight. Bloody hell - it's been YEARS since I've had the emotional space to care! The silver lining of being fat in recovery....

"Neutral" sparked my interest. Step three - letting go - relinquishing control of the things not in our control - is how neutral sounds to me. It is a hard practice for me, to allow life to unfold, to take my hands off the wheel (or at least to steer with light touch).

ALL my compusive behaviours are an attempt at control, in a backwards kind of way. Maybe, a bit of neutral my allow me to see where I need to go....

Ironic, isn't it? Peg, you were questioning it - I'm thinking "yeah, need to be there"....

Lots of love to you, my friend

Kerrie

Hi Peg. Funny you should post that. I feel like I've been in neutral for a while now. Stalling on my thesis, not looking for a job, even though I know I'll be done with the military in January, leaving things alone that need to get done like cleaning. I don't know, I guess these things come and go.

But you are still a motivation and an inspiration to everyone here. You always have such insightful things to say, and you really LISTEN to what people have to say. You're the best, Peg!

Love, Anna

hi peg,

as you said you're not gonna beat yourself up about it. I would say that it is probably better to be in neutral than in reverse or even in forward but way too fast without breaks (believe me i learnt very recently what that one is like for real!).

I think sometimes we all need to just go into neutral. It gives us the time and space to just 'be'. This world puts so much emphasis on doing things and doing it now! We go out for dinner and we expect the food to already be there cooked for us. We get online and we can talk to people over the other side of the world. We come online and download music so we don't have to wait to get to the shops and buy it! I think that with this culture of quick fixes we have to work even harder on staying in the moment. And being in neutral occassionaly is no bad thing. So really don't beat yourself up about it!

Having said that i don't think taying in neutral forever is a positive thing. But you have now got to he point where you feel ready to get moving again and that's great. Remember in the same way that you are here for so many of us we are also here for you.

Alice x

((((alice))) thank you.

Counting down the days...it's a whole lot different than counting up...when one first stops gambling...Day One ugh! especially when you KNOW...you KNOW that this time is different...and you're EXCITED...and you want EVERYONE to be excited for you...but...there have been so many day ones...yours and others....so...a day one can feel kind of lonely...hopeful maybe..but there's not really much celebrating going on..and..if someone DOES express excitement over a day one...the recipient is usually embarrassed...as if..one day is nothing..it's not enough to fuss over.

sigh

we really do find a whole lot of ways to punish ourselves don't we?

THere are different views on counting days...I say...do what works for you...and sometimes...what works for you yesterday..no longer works...so change it...no big deal..it's YOUR recovery...DO WHAT YOU MUST DO to find joy.

Joy and Peace.

That's what this is about.

If I stop gambling and remain a miserable human being..what is that? It's not what I want.

But I digress....these days...I'm counting DOWN...well..that's not really true...I'm not really counting...I am just AWARE that it's coming..I am anticipating...and hmmm maybe I am celebrating a little (inside of myself) already?

I haven't been posting...lots going on inside of me..but not things I choose to share with the world...not that they're any more personal or private than other things I've shared here (and God knows..I've shared a doozie or two)..but *I* am different...I don't need or even WANT to share everything that goes on with me.

Same with my real world....at any gathering...if there was a quiet moment, I would find a way to fill it...sometimes stories that'd keep you on the edge of your seat...and sometimes...just a whole lot of nothing...or of EVERYTHING, rather...but now....when I am out...I relax a little more. It's not my job to entertain the world (thank God...because I probably wasn't so good at it, looking back)...and often now...I think to say something..then think 'why?' 'does it need to be said?' 'does anyone care?'

I am a lot more quiet than I used to be 🙂

Anyway....I know there are people who read here who rarely (if ever) post...and I just want to say that...whatever you're thinking..that you cannot stop...you don't WANT to stop....and that you are stupid...and that there is no way that you can ever be happy again..that you have passed the point of no return...that your life cannot be repaired....

Lies.

It is all lies.

It is your addictive voice talking ((Des)) and it is a liar.

Once we are in the cycle...breaking free is so so difficult to do...but..it is possible..it is being done every day...many of us here on this board have done it...the important thing..if you are struggling..the most important thing is DO NOT STOP TRYING.

DO NOT STOP TRYING and REACH OUT TO OTHERS.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE and

YOU DESERVE YOUR LIFE.

You can do this.

Love,

Peg

(((Peg)))

Has anyone told you lately that you are absolutely wonderful????

Love you!

Anna

I ' celebrate ' 3 months today Pj as you know. Partly why this is more significant than the time i reached 11 months is cos you are in my life and we have become friends.

I did not gamble today, that was easy, to not for the rest of my life will be harder but i know now thats where i am at. Keep the wise words coming. Des x

I Have decided to post my thanks to each of you on my diary, so I can have all my friends together on one post..You have contributed to saving my life and for that I am forever grateful

Love

Lynn

xxxx

(( Peg ))

Just wanted to say one thing.........your words stay with me throughout all my ups and downs.

Truly

you inspire me.

Thank you Peg

W xxx

Hey Peg. I know you've been taking a bit of a Gamcare break, but I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you, and hoping that things are going well for you.

Love always,

Anna

(((Anna))) thank you.

Honestly...I didn't realize it had been so long since I posted on my diary...I'm not really taking a break...I read a bit nearly every day.

I'm just doing a bit of internal stuff right now and don't have too much to say 🙂 (that's a pretty big change in itself....me? nothing to say?)

I'm doing very well...excellent even 🙂

(((peg))) god to hear you're doing excellent!

Can you teach me how to do that bit - the not needing to say much bit that it?!

Take care peg and look after yourself,

Alice x

(( Peg ))

Now that I cannot believe!!

Hope you are busy in a good way,noone desrve's it more.

You have given us all such excellent support and insight.

Its always a pleasure to read your posts.

Take care

Wxx

A year ago today, I was gambling.

I was sneaking and lying and cheating....that person...seems like it must've been someone else.

In a way, it was. I mean...it was this body...it was me that did all of that insane cr#P..but it wasn't the same me that I am today.

I don't know if there's really a way that I can say it...that someone just happening upon this site..or just beginning the process of recovery would understand...in the same way that people who are not compulsive gamblers do not 'get' us...I mean...I guess you just have to *DO* it....to know what it feels like.

It feels really good.

That life could be satisfying? that i could be happy? that things could ever be *OK* again....I would not have believed...yet, they are....more than i might have imagined.

Today, I celebrate one year of abstinence from gambling....but...what I am doing is not about gambling.

I told a friend last night....gambling never was my problem....my problem was peg.

xo

CONGRAULATIONS PEG !!!!

1 full year, I know what your saying the gambling was only an excuse to hide away from the truth. I started to realise that myself, can't say I liked everthing I saw...yes even worse than the bank managers picture !!

Coming to terms with things is much harder than I ever realised. I can accept my mistakes, hopefully put as many right as I can. We can't get the wasted years back again, so it makes our current & remaining years even more precious - can't afford many more mistakes.

I'm a long way from a year out of it Peg, but I feel I have come a long way in many respects. I am as far removed from gambling as I have ever been, it wasn't the answer and like you I have to sort out the baggage.