taking my life back

Hi Peg, and congratulations on your wonderful achievement and thank you also for inspiring, comforting and supporting me on my journey so far. I'm truly grateful to you.

Life does seem so worthwhile today. I have no need or desire to gamble, what a miracle! God Bless, John. X

HI Peg

a big yipeee for 1 year, but as you know its not about the gambling its finding who you are within and that is one hell of a journey and you are doing it so well.

I am sure you are liking you and loving what life brings your way.

Ione hears a saying "IF CHANGE IS A LOCKED DOOR, WILLINGNESS IS THE KEY" - You have accepted the changes in your life with open willingness and I truly believe your door is open. I am getting there with my door only ajar at the moment but in time it will be open - Peg I see some of you in me and it helps me so much to read your posts..Like you that was me then but this is me now and I am liking me a whole lot better these days..

Life is journey home and home is acceptance..

So a big congrats not only on being gamble free but most importantly for being you and embracing your journey of discovery with open arms.

All My Love

Lynn

xxx

As you americans would say....Way to go Peg.

It is all about changing who we are...we dont have to be gamblers if we dont want to and if we do something about it.

We have been following the same path Peg and look where we are now.

Take care

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

hi peg, just wanted to add my best wishes to those already gone before.

Its a brilliant achievement, and it has been my privilege to share this past year with you.

Take care peg, as i know you will, and lets hope that we can pull things together for new year!

love

rusty

xx

Peg

Just adding my congratulations on a whole year and more importantly finding the real Peg underneath.

I know you have been through many personal crisis, bereavemnet and coming to terms with your past.

I believe thats true for everyone not just us cg's.

The gambling is one of the symptons of the way we handle or rather don't handle our problems.

Thank you for all your suport and inspiration.

W xx

thanks to all of you....today, life is good. great, even.

we dont have to be gamblers if we dont want to and if we do something about it.

I LOVE that...we dont have to be gamblers if we don't want to be...

so true...

was talking the other day about the wisdom (or lack of) in continuously referring to ourselves as compulsive gamblers.

Funny...I can recall my first g.a. meeting..when people would introduce themselves that way...first of all...it was pretty corny, I thought....AND...how...ugh...I did not want to say that...it might have been easier to say 'hi, i'm peg and i'm stupid'

the first few times that i DID say it..it was awkward and perhaps i resented feeling like i HAD to say it?

but..after a while...it became freeing...i mean..it's the TRUTH..i am a compulsive gambler...there's no doubt about that... at least I knew who/what i was.

but...i haven't gambled in a year...is it necessary to continuously call myself that?

for *me*...it no longer holds negative connotations..it is just a fact... I am a compulsive gambler.

the thing is...it is not ALL that I am....I wear many hats...and the fact is..this very moment...I am NOT a compulsive gambler...for I am not gambling 🙂 but....no doubt...should i choose to gamble again..I will quickly begin doing it in a compulsive fashion.

I dont have a problem calling myself that...cg...but...perhaps it would be more appropriate to say 'hi, i'm peg...and i am a daughter, a loving sister, a devoted wife, a nurturng mother, a reliable employee, a loyal friend, an excited tourist, an avid shopper, a driven competitor........on and on and on......... and a compulsive gambler.

I *AM* a compulsive gambler.....but it is simply a part of who I am....it does not define me.

If you are struggling...if gambling is hurting you...things can get better...YOU can FEEL better...you can...reach out.... alone is too lonely.

Love,

Peg

xo

Makes you wonder doesn't it? I mean if in fact we are deep down really a compulsive gambler, or are we only a compulsive gambler while we are gambling and a non gambler while we are abstaining? I've come to the conclusion that there is no right or wrong answer. You can change how you view yourself and go either way. You know my feelings on the subject and can tell my stance by my name. But I understand the other way now also. It's sort of a chicken and egg kind of thing. Whatever works for the individual I guess is the main thing. Bless you, Peg for all the help and inspiration you've given and shared with everyone. I think that is the most important thing.

Best wishes,

Gerard

Whatever works for the individual I guess is the main thing.

Agreed Gerard 🙂

(((Peg))), as you used to always say to others, 1111111111 YEAR! You have made it an entire year gamble free. And, what a year it has been - who can even begin to count the number of people whose lives you've changed in that year?

I can honestly say, Peg, that you changed my life. If it weren't for your support, encouragement and honest posts, I don't know that I could have made it as far as I have. Even in your own turmoils, you have always been there, not just for me, but for everyone else on this forum.

I know that you have some personal issues that you still struggle with. But, Peg, I just want you to know that you are an amazing woman, a fabulous friend, and a kind, caring and compassionate person.

Three cheers for you on your first anniversary, Peg, and from the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU.

Love always, Anna

Hi Peg

Thanks for the return email and thanks for caring xx

Love Lynn

xx

I posted this a long time ago in Overcoming Problem Gambling forum.....I posted it then as a tool...playing one's tape can be a useful tool when battling urges....

but...I think that the first time I heard someone ((((Brenda))))) play a tape..what struck me was...WOW...IT WAS ME!!!

THAT WAS ME!!

I had no idea that all of those people in the casino (many, anyways) were living the same day that I was....over and over and over I did it....I imagine they did too.....if you're reading this...you probably did too....

It made me realize a couple of things ... First...I am not alone.... other people have gone through this...not something LIKE this....they have gone thru THIS...and many are better....they have their lives (today, I am happy to say...I am one of those folks)...it also made me see WHY this can be called a 'disease'...I mean...the "symptoms" are identical...I cannot think of any other behaviors or thought patterns that I have ever engaged in that could possibly be such a phenomena!

most of our tapes will vary somewhat...but in so many ways....we are not unique:

A perfect opportunity arises to gamble…family is not around…I've got some money that no one would really miss…wouldn't be that big of a deal….just a few hours of fun

I am feeling lucky

It's been a while since I've played

Jump into my car

Am excited…just thinking about being there..cannot get there quick enough

Adrenaline is pumping

Closer I get, the faster I drive

I have some money that I cannot afford to lose…I don't dare bring it in with me…I place it under the floor mat of my car…I know how I am

Park the car

Run into the casino

No one at my machine

Must be my lucky day!

I put some money in the machine

Maybe hit a few times…small amounts…credits are up though

I can stay for a while

Relax a little

Machine slowly dies on me

But I know it's gonna hit…it's acting the way it usually acts right before it hits…

I put more money in

Then more

Until I have no more money

But

I have some money in my car

And by now…I have put so much money into this machine…I really want it back…PLUS…I'm not ready to go home yet

Scrounge in my purse for some change…put it into the machine so there are a few credits on there..then ask the lady who is sitting at the machine next to me to ‘keep an eye' on my machine…I will be right back

Run out to the car

Get money from under the floor mat…

Back inside…play all of that money…too quickly

Now I can't stop…I NEEDED *THAT* money

Besides..machine has to be ready to hit…I've put so much in

Get cash from the atm machine

Machine starts playing with me…paying small jackpots…credits are up, up, up

Not to what I've put in…but doing well

Sheez…I can stay

Machine quickly takes it all back

Plus the cash I've just taken out

Getting desperate…I shouldn't have blown so much

Now I *have* to win

Write a check

Maybe try a different machine?

Now I *really* can't leave

A cash advance on a credit card now.

Eventually…out of time and/or out of available funds…have to leave

Walk slowly back to car

Out of cigarettes

Thirsty

Scrounge in purse…not even enough change for a soft drink…have already raided the change

Geez…how could I be so stupid???

How could I do this AGAIN?

I have to STOP!!!

Can't keep doing this.

Then…thoughts start to change

How am I going to explain this?

Explaining where I was…where the money went

And how am I gonna replace it?

It's important to always play the tape to the end...

I really hated those rides home.

In 2002, the s**t hit the fan at my house.

The debt had accumulated to a point where I could no longer hide it...I had to tell my husband what I'd done.

Geez...that day sucked so bad.

I didn't know what to expect. I took my boys to a friends' house...so they would not witness whatever WOULD take place.

My husband was amazing...he was shocked, hurt...but...he was amazing.

I started attending g.a.

I wanted my life.

BUT

I didn't really want to stop gambling.

I mean...I WANTED to stop

but...not really.

I didn't want to stop gambling...I just wanted gambling to stop HURTING me so badly.

I didn't ingest anything...but..gambling was truly a drug for me...no doubt it alters our brain chemistry...I can recall the feeling I would get....walking in...pulling up a stool at my favorite machine..before I would even place the first bet..that feeling of....of calm? of relief? i would sit..and the world would just go away...me and my bubble..that's all there was...push the button, push the button...nothing else mattered...time didn't matter...oh...i THOUGHT it did...I'd watch the clock like it did..but...i'd never leave when I intended....just 5 more minutes...or 20 dollars more...or...as soon as i hit a jackpot i will go...no...that jackpot wasn't quite big enough...that didn't qualify as a jackpot...and i would push back my departure again and again and again....until

i had run out of money several times (and had gone to the a.t.m. and the bank, written a check etc etc) OR...I was very very late for whatever it was I should've been doing..whatever appt...picking up my kids from wherever they were....

I was always late.

Often, I left with money...which was good, I thought, cuz I could go back again and do it tomorrow...of course...if I left broke..I'd find some way to get money tomorrow anyway (why not? I'm already so deep in debt...a little more isn't gonna make a difference).

I couldnt wait until my family would leave in the morning so that i could have 'my time'.

my time???

I had no more time. I gave it all away...I gave it all to gambling.

No more.

Enough.

Gambling holds nothing for me.

If I could gamble normally tomorrow (not possible..but..if it were)...and i KNEW i would never gamble compulsively again...I would not gamble.

There is no point.

its the hangover that it leaves you with, much much worse than any alcohol hangover by far

gambling caught me by surprise.

i was ignorant.

i had no idea what was happening.

i ALWAYS gambled compulsively..when i gambled...but...I rarely gambled.

we took the occasional trip to Las Vegas...when gambling came to my town, still, I rarely did it.

Sometimes the family would go...on holidays etc...and always I would gamble compulsively...my husband...my sister in law would sometimes wander around...watch...WATCH? no way I could watch...not even for a few minutes....then I began going to the casino alone, from time to time.

It wasn't a secret.

It was no big deal...just a little 'fun' (isn't it interesting that most of us refer to gambling as "playing")...I can even remember telling my husband that...I DID have a gambling problem (although, I didn't think it was serious....nor did I believe that anything needed to be done about it)....I remember telling him that...WHEN i gambled...I had a problem...but....I rarely did it...so...it wasn't a big deal.

ha

who knew it was progressive?

who knew that i would begin going more and more often.

who knew that It would begin to consume me...that..even when I WASN't gambling...I would be obsessed with the thought of it...who knew?

it sneaks up on you.

I *KNOW* what alcohol can do to people...so I am careful....I *KNOW* what drugs can do to people...so I am careful...but this...THIS...I had no idea.

It was slow and subtle..and once I realized that I was in trouble...it was too late to simply walk away...I was unable.

xo

Hi peg

oh to be able to walk away 🙂

i wish. glad to see you here peg, am glad to be back, have missed everyone. unfortunately lots of new people on here. they make it too easy and accessible, buggers they are!

take care, claire xxx