taking my life back

well, it's been a while since i've been here...i've been spending a lot of time at safe harbor and felt like i was getting a whole lot more out of that site than here...

but this morning, i was thinking about that. that site is just different...it offers me different things..different tools...and i've decided that gamcare is yet another tool that can be of use to me in my recovery...so here i am 🙂

i made the decision that i would begin posting here again...daily...then immediately thought NO.

i find that curious. here's why...

for a long time...many many years, i have not believed in God...most of the people that i've known who had 'found God' were, i thought, somewhat obnoxious and pushy...and perhaps a bit hypocritical as well...and the folks that claimed to know a lot about the bible, or God...some of the things that they told me about Him...I had decided that IF there was a GOD...I didn't like Him very much.

Sometimes i would be afraid..what if there is a God...and I didn't have faith...what will happen to me? so i have explored different avenues...have attended a few bible studies, etc...searching for ? i dunno, searching for the possibility of God.

My logic always kicked in and told me this.....there is no God. Man created God in HIS own image in an effort to control society and comfort himself.

A belief in God certainly does appear to bring peace to those who believe...but then...if i believed in an imaginary friend who loved me unconditionally and who would take on all of my problems..all of the WORLDS problems...that would comfort me too...a crutch...

no doubt..the folks who believed were somewhat happier than the folks that did not...even if they were delusional...didn't seem like such a bad place to be...oh...except for that obnoxious, pushy stuff...

plus...i was raised Catholic and got P***** off at my own religion when i was a young girl...

so

didn't believe in God AND

if there is a God...didn't like him AND the church had P***** me off AND had been ummm exposed to people who had tried to shove thier beliefs down my throat...i am a very nice lady...so the thought that i would burn in hell, i suppose...was too much to bear..in my life..there have been several people, i think, who have taken me on..thinking that i was their special mission 🙂

well

since i stopped gambling on 10 30 06...i have been ? exploring ? and am beginning to discover my spirituality.

that's big for me.

big athiest...at the very least, agnostic...wow

so i begin thinking this morning that i really need to start journalling...i am growing and changing very fast and i can see some huge benefits to doing so...but then i thought

ewwww

do i really want to post about my spirituality?

do i really want to admit that? Can I say out loud that I believe in God? Maybe not.

Then

WHAT?????

I can tell a story about me peeing on myself and I cannot say that I believe in God???

I am discovering myself...discovering happiness...life...and I am *embarrassed* about that but i can tell a story about me peeing on myself???????

something wrong with that picture.

so, i am back....and i have a bit of catching up to do...but i plan to write as regularly as i can...perhaps there is someone out there who will benefit from something that i have to say... maybe not..maybe I will be the only person that I help in doing this 🙂 but then, that's ok too...i need all of the help I can get.

I originally named this journal 'taking my life back' because that is what i wanted to do...but now...what i am doing is so much more than than...i am gaining something that i have never had..even before I gambled...

am at peace.

love to all who suffer

there is help

we cannot do this alone

find support...others like you

there is hope.

IT IS NOT BETTER OUT THERE.

peg

xoxoxoxo

wow peg, what a post!

its one i can relate to.

my background was christian, pentecostal to be exact, though my parents thought i was nuts - they only ever went to church for funerals, weddings, and when i was on parade at the guides!

anyway, i became a 'christian' when i was about 14. I guess my trait of all or nothing was evident then, as i became a zealot for jesus, and a pain in the a**e to anyone who had the misfortune to listen to me.

i went to church 4 times a week and twice on a sunday. when everyone else was out enjoying themselves i was in church. i even played the guitar in church! i spoke in tounges and danced in the aisles with my tamborine like everyone else in my church. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!

i desperately desperatly wanted and needed to feel part of this thing, and thought if i get baptized then maybe god will like me and speak to me!!

fast forward about 7 years, and i found myself living in a christian community. at the time there were about 14 of us, and we would have a tuesday meeting, a thursday meeting, a saturday meeting, and twice on a sunday. then they introduced the 7am daily prayer meeting!!! have to say wasnt very good at that one, and my rebellious streak kicked in on a number of occasions, and i stayed in bed much to the disappointment of my fellows. On saying that i was working in the local psychiatric hospital - stressful enough - but the shift patterns were murderous!

anyway, as i looked around at my buddies caught in raptures about what jesus had done for them , i became more and more aware that it just wasnt happening for me. i desperately wanted to know the peace of god in my life, and wanted to know what that joy, peace and calmness was all about.

fast forward another 7 years or so, and i am now married and pregnant with my first child. i am an only child and so this is first grandchild. my father is so looking forward to birth of baby, and 2 weeks before my daughter was born my father trips down stairs, bumps his head and 24 hours later he is dead.

where is god in all of this i ask??

not to be daunted, i still go to church, still play the guitar in church and still attend as many meetings as i can, but more and more this is beginning to feel like such a facade to me.

fast forward an other 14 years or so, and i hadnt been to church for so so long. this jesus stuff was nonsense, and people who believed in jesus were really weak people who needed a crutch. belief in god pah what a silly idea!!!!

anyway, in the news papers i see this add

are you stressed?

are you ill?

are you in pain?

the add kept following me around. Every 'beeping' paper i picked up it had the same add in it.

eventually my cuirosity got the better of me, and i duley turned up at teh appropriate venue, to find it was teh National Federation of Spiritual Healers (NFSH) was on my way out the door thinking - spook church,no thanks!

one of teh healers talked to me and assured me it had nothing to do with the spiritualist church,that it was a charitable organisation that had no attachment to any religious group. felt a little more comfortable and allowed my self to have some spiritual healing.

wow

wow

wow

at that point i was so stressed out of my skull, i was working god knows how many hours, had 2 children, was struggling with a failing buisness partnership, and couldnt make up my mind whether to bite my nails or bite my nails.

within 24 hours of that first session, something happened to me. its difficult to explain, but for a period of about 15 mins i felt 'normal'. it was like a vale was being lifed, and i felt free. like i say it only lasted 15 mins, but it was enough to get my attention.

i continued to have healing over a period of abotu 3 months, and by the end of that 3 months or so i was a completey different person, to teh point that one evening my hubby said with a trembling lip - i want my wife back!

i think for the first time ever in my life i found that self confidence, self assurance, and the ability to sort things out for what was best for me. It was one of those truely liberating moments.

then my gambling began to take over. i started to go to the casino, and for a while i was in control of my gambling. its was something that was very enjoyable but slightly naughty. I had always played slot machines, but that was more or less in control, so long as i didnt go to arcades too often or let myself over spend at the pub.

but all through this, i was training to become a healer member of the NFSH.

then one day it hit me.

i looked at what i believed as a christian, and what i had turned away from, and compared it to my 'new found' spitituality, and was absolutely amazed when i saw that it was the same underlying beliefs and values but the language was different.

instead of praying, i meditated

instead of asking jesus for help and guidence, i looked towards my higher self for that help and guidence

when i was giving healing, i was attuning to my higher source (the nfsh believe that the higher source can be what ever you believe that outside power to be - god, jesus, great white spirit, higher power)

there were other similarities too, and it seemed to me to be the same difference, with the exception of jesus.

for me, this seemed much more comfortalbe. my main problems with the church is its religieosity. the rules, perhaps man made rules, i dont know

but when you look around i think you have to acknowledge that we humans are here because of somethin much much more than chance

so for me, my view is that there is a universal life force, a universal consciousness that is part of everything, and everything is part of that universal consciousness.

i can see that i am part of a bigger picture, and one that is much more comfortable for me.

there is an interesting book called vibrational medicine which outlines a view of the world and all things in a way that i can relate to and feel at peace with. One of the things it talks about is the holographic principle of the universe ( http://twm.co.nz/hologram.html )

(there are simpler explanations around, but its too late at night for me. bye the way the reason i am up so late is that i am on call from the nursing home, and i have to go to the hospital and pick up the carer who escorted one of our old lady who has just broken her hip- god knows when i will get to bed its an hour to the hosptial, and the ambulance has only just taken her)

anyways what this ramble is about is that i do believe i have found a spirituality that i am comfortable with, and one that makes sense to me, and one that i can relate to.

when my internet gambling took a hold of me i lost the plot on the NFSH,and am now jsut beginnign to pick up the reins again, and finding that it is really helping me to get things back into perspective for me

http://www.nfsh.org.uk/

there is the web site if anyone is interested

very interesting Carol-ann...and you have reminded me of something that I had completely forgotten....the searching that I referred to...searching for the possiblity of God...that began about three years ago as a result of watching television with my husband 🙂

he is always watching the science channel, history channel, discovery channel, you know..real MAN stuff..

well one night he is watching a show and it is about quantum physics.

i tivo'd the show and watched it again and again...was amazing..there are things going on all around us...we cannot see them...and...the rules there do not correspond with the rules of MY world...for instance...i found this wording online "The thing about quantum leaps is that they mark an abrupt change from one state to a distinctly different one, with no in-between transitional states being possible." Now, I don't pretend to understand quantum physics...but what I hear goes against everything that I know. Some of this is theory...some is fact. SOOOOOOO if there are REALLY 'things' all around me that I can neither see nor understand...who am I to say that that is ALL that is out there that I cannot see (and understand)...thus the curiosity was raised.... very interesting the links that you posted...thank you for that....i started reading but sometimes that stuff just goes over my head and it all gets mushy...so i will take in what i can and go back later, read some more 🙂

I am still not really sure how i feel about this God thing...but I believe that there is SOMETHING...too much has been happening to and for me lately....a while back...i was talking with some one that I think a lot of who kept suggesting that I put (my worries) in God's hands.

well...that sounded pretty silly to me to be honest.

here...located this email that i sent to that friend regarding how i felt at the time:

….i suppose this “turning my life over to God” thing is so scary to me because I'm not so sure he's there…or even if he is…that he's paying very much attention to *my* lil ol' life….so, if God were just in my imagination (or ignored me) then I'd be turning my life over to nothing…to chance….but then…it stands to reason that if that were true, there wouldn't be a whole sh*tload of people out there saying that they are fulfilled because they turned over their lives to God….AND……. I have never heard anyone say “Yeah, I tried that turning my life over to God thing and everything was chaotic…my whole life went to sh*t…..down the tubes.

So am thinking…I might just try this turn over my life thing…and might feel silly talking, in my head, to my ‘imaginary friend' (God) but will give it a shot and see what happens.

the thing is...since that day...things have been going really well...and a few things have REALLY worked themselves out...now...perhaps they would've worked themselves out (even if there were no God) but I didn't have to WORRY over them...I gave it up...to God, or fate, or destiny, or to the universal consciousness...I'm not yet sure what God is to me...but am working on it 🙂 there has to be SOMETHING.

and when you said "for the first time....the ability to sort things out for myself" DITTO

I hope you can get some rest.

peg

xoxoxoxox

JimmyMac, a friend at safe harbor, died yesterday.

i haven't been sure how to feel about that.. maybe have been pretty numb about it (has been up and down in hospital since fri before new years.

this morning...after dropping the boys off at school, i cried all the way home...and i suddenly realized how good it felt to feel badly. i felt.

things are hapening so quickly...so much...

the past week i've really been struggling with my boys..teenagers argh...

i had decided..wednesday night...that what i have been doing doesn't work. they make me crazy, i scream...they don't care...only person that is bothered is me...

so..they act badly

they fine

me in pain??

need a new solution (i can address this now that i am out of the fog)

so...decided...i will not scream anymore (ha ha will try) and first time someone P****s me off, i will smile and gently say 'go clean the cat box'...if cat box is clean and someone P****s me off...dust, wash windows..if all chores are done and they act badly... 8pm bedtime. 🙂 if they act badly...*I* will be fine and THEY will be in pain.

so...came to this conclusion..then...was in chat last night...talking to someone..another friend comes in and asks what r we talking about and without thinking i reply

'I need an attitude adjustment.'

wow

that is new for me

someone else is in the wrong (or initiates a problem...cuz in this situation..we were both 'wrong') and *I* decide to change *ME*???

what??

wow

have learned that i cannot control others behaviors...only my own...

btw - i haven't shared my new 'action plan' with them...first time someone cleans the cat box will be a surprise tee hee

well

next night...thursday night...Jimmy dies...we knew that he would...last two weeks has been up and down BUT..night before the stroke occurred..i chatted with him for a while...no idea it would be my last time....life is fragile.

so i've been thinking...my boys...we have rough mornings...one wakes up grouchy and other one picks on him and grouch starts whining then mom loses it 🙁

i have decided that from now on...before my boys leave me for their day, i will look them in the eye, tell them i love them and ((hug)). they will roll eyes and hate it..but i will do it anyway 🙂

xoxoxox

have been thinking about a speaker/author that i had the pleasure of meeting 4 years ago...in 2002 during my first attempt at recovery..i didn't even have 90 days clean and had to attend a convention in Reno. we stayed in a hotel/casino and i had to walk through the casino...take winding path right thru smack dab center...go to escalator..down to lower level...still in casino...walk walk to get to conference room area.

i didn't want to go but was not able, at that time, to tell my boss my 'situation'. I asked my hubby to go with me.

Was a big sacrifice for him...to leave his business and hang out in hotel room all day long..nothing to do except gamble..which, he did not do because he was VERY P***** off at gambling at that time 🙁

i made it through that trip...no gambling...but more importantly, i met this speaker who really touched me. I spoke with him during a break and he told me that he had authored a book..i asked him for title so i could buy and he said 'its kind of religous' (hmmm i was searching for God then...had just begun my first search...seems like a sign) so he took my business card and mailed me one.

Book was amazing. it was about...coincidences...destiny....fate...Gods' master plan? was short stories...different stories...amazing 'accidents' that he was attributing to God...and most centered, somehow, around God...so here I am reading book...i think it was the last story in the book was about his own mother...he starts telling the story...naming family members, etc...o*g...he is from my HOME TOWN (we met in Reno, he was living, at the time we met, in Georgia, I believe...I live outside of New Orleans)...AND not only is he from my home town....I am close to his TWIN SISTER!!!!!!!!!!! o*g

she is a few years older than me...but she is married to my best friends brother...this girl has been my best friend since i was three years old (now am 42 yrs old)...so I have known his sister since i was a child...spent a lot of time with her in my teen years...o*g o*g and i am reading this story about God/COINCIDENCE??

well...i knew that God must be speaking to me.

there was an email address for this guy in the book...so i sat down and wrote a long long long email to him and sent it.

it came back the next day...invalid email address.

i didn't follow up on that and shortly thereafter, ended (postponed?) my mission to find God....

for one thing...i know how i am...whatever i do, i give it my all...throw myself into it...and i see all of those people (and i assume that this author is one of them) that are the obnoxious, pushy folks that are all about God and try to make everyone around them all about God and I don't like that...but I KNOW that if *I* believed...and was really into this God thing and if *I* thought that anybody who didn't believe what *I* believed would suffer in eternity in hell, well i would try to convince them too.

but i didn't want to be that way.

to be continued.....

hi peg, and thanks for the comments on my diary. have emailed you!

reading your comments here, i am thinking that it might be time to suggest to you that you read the book the celestine prophecy, by james redfield. the story is terrible, but the truths behind the story are AMAZING, and i think that you will find they are so so close to your thinking.

have found a web site, but havent had a proper look at it yet, but you might want to have a look and see if you can either get teh film or the book.

http://www.celestinevision.com/

take care and stay safe

🙂 Carol-ann, so funny that you said 'it might be time to suggest'

the title sounded familiar...kinda sorta...i wandered into the chatroom at the link you posted..talked to a really nice lady for a minute...but was off for the weekend...i just ordered the book...but...one of those folks who had 'taken me on as their soul-to-save' loaned this book to me years ago...i started it...i think i only read a few pages...wasn't ready I guess....I reviewed a synopsis of the book and think that you're correct..sounds like it IS very close to my thinking...and...that thinking just keeps getting reinforced 🙂

thank you for that.

i have been thinking...about how my relationship with my boys is improving...my relationship with hubby as well..

i am thinking clearly again. I am THINKING. My insides are calm and relaxed...i am not rushing around my world..stressing out about what isn't getting done or that i'm late..it's ok...all i can do is all i can do.

i suppose my relationship with myself is improving as well 🙂

peg

xoxo

Hi Peg

Can so relate to your last post.

The time and space we get back, not just in terms of the minutes in the day, but also in our hearts and minds is incredible. For the last time in so many years clarity of thought has returned, acceptence and understanding of oneself and those around us is improving relationships.It helps to be able to see the bigger picture of life and appreciate what we have.Its given me a inner peace and I suppose a sense of spirituality.

Makes you wonder how we got by before 🙂

Kind regards

Frankie

Indeed.

I got a phone call from my son's school today...he was in distress...an asthma attack.

I shifted into high gear...call pharmacy, dr, fly home to get meds then to school to get him.

On the OUTSIDE I was rushing around...on the INSIDE...calm.

WOW - that is so new for me.

The OLD Peg? Even before I gambled I could not handle a crisis. Everything was life and death...reflex, call Mom. Mom could calm me down...Mom died in 1996..so would call hubby or a friend...had to talk to someone..to calm me down? perhaps just to acknowledge my crisis? not sure...but

Today 🙂 was different.

I just took care of business. I knew what needed to be done. Did it. Hell, I always did what needed to be done BEFORE...I just allowed myself to freak out over everything...so it is done..picked up kiddo...go to dr., get prescriptions, stop at pharmacy and we're home...he is fine, crisis handled...

and

i still have not placed a call 🙂

peg

xoxo

its just those 'little' things that reminds us how far we ahve coem.

all credit to you peg, and shows how how much more potential is there for you to develop

i am not waiting for the mailman so that i can intercept any 'evidence'.

i am not worried about the date, as i no longer have to juggle pay day loans.

i am not scheming..trying to come up with ways to get $ from my bank acct without hubby noticing.

i am not ignoring my cell phone...i am available to those in my world.

i am not neglecting everything else in my life so that i can get my 'fix' at a machine.

i am not numbing.

Hi Peg, isnt it great when you finally break free from the stresses gambling brings? remind yourself of this if you get any niggles. Look on any spare cash as a bonus to spend on other things. Treat yourself as well now and then as remember that used to be money just blown away, and see how good it makes you feel.

Brilliant post and reminds me to stay with "my non gambling plan" so thank you. Joy

thank you Joy...every day i am grateful that i am not gambling.

things are better... i am more aware of my feelings and how i react to situations..actually, i am more aware of everything that goes on in my world 🙂

i am being gentler with everyone in my world...still have some work to do, but am getting better.

life is not necessarily EASIER but is BETTER...more fulfilling..with my HP in my life...still growing there as well.

off to live in my day 🙂

xoxoxo