taking my life back

peg thank you so much with those last few posts. they are very powerful and as you said about brenda's tape - oh so very familiar. thank you for being a strength to me and so many. thank you for helping to remember what s**t i am trying to leave behind helping it to be a little bit easier to continue heading forward.

alice x

((((Alice)))))

This thing screws with our minds in ways that we cannot see until we have moved away from it.

All of my thought processes were affected when I was in the 'cycle'.

My ideas about money were certainly skewed...it is just paper...what's the big deal? why is everyone so CONSUMED with thoughts about money??

of course....it didn't make sense to me...I valued money not at all (oh...except for on the ride home, that is).

The truth is...all of my thoughts were pretty much about ME back then... I really couldn't see anyone else...me me me...and it was that way for quite a while....took some time for my thinking to begin to clear...to see that...if someone abruptly left chat while I was talking....that..maybe they lost their computer connection? maybe they got a phone call? maybe everything is NOT about ME...

geez...I was so sensitive...and my moods fluctuated dramatically.

I think Lucy (lynn) said in a post the other day...about roadblocks...that....one of the best roadblocks for her is time away from the last bet... WOW.... no kidding...I've never heard anyone say it quite that way before..but it's so true...the farther away I am....the better everything is...and the easier it becomes.

xo

HI Peg

I have been mulling over your tape for a few days, and playing my own tape today in my mind, Lol I think I have about 4 tapes for my demons but one thing is for sure if you play them all to the end they are all the same..That feeling at the end is not worth teh feeling at teh begining..I think this has put into perspective for me the intial excitment at the begining of my tape just isn`t worth the ending and never will be, don`t see how it ever could now.

Thank you so much for that post Peg, Another useful tool for me to have gained xx

Take Care

lots Of Love

Lynn

xxxx

HI Peg

I just wanted to check into your diary to say hi 🙂

I hope that you are well and that your recovery is going strong.

Take care Peg,

Alice x

Life is good.

It is Thanksgiving week...and I sure do have plenty to be thankful for this year.

being grateful...

one year ago...i was learning so much... (still am) ...I was just learning how to LIVE (like 'normal' people)... how to just BE

that's it

just BE

that was hard for me

even before I gambled, it was so hard for me to relax...I always felt like I should be DOING something or GOING somewhere..or SOMETHING

to just...BE?

I really only ever accomplished that with the help of alcohol.

hmmm

I guess....the problem that I have with alcohol is similar to the problem that I had with gambling...before I became CONSUMED with gambling..by that, I mean...

I over-do (alcohol) from time to time...and...I misuse it (it isn't simply a beverage, is it...if I drink to relax..then...I am, in fact, using it for it's effect).

ANYWAYYYYYYY

to just BEEEE

well.....on 10 30 06 when I started hanging around people in 'recovery'...hearing some of the recovery-speak...specifically, 'one day at a time'

well

that means just don't gamble today, right?

wrong.

i mean...MAYBE that's what it means (to you)...that's what it meant to me (at first)..but...I was at a meeting in safe harbor...a few weeks after I stopped gambling..and the topic was 'what one day at a time means to you'

so different people in the meeting shared on that...and I was amazed at some of the different perspectives....and.....suddenly, 'one day at a time' took on new meaning for me.

two things - GRATITUDE...and BEING in the moment.

right now...this moment...not to worry about what's for dinner or errands that I have to run this evening...or my kids' homework blah blah...those are things that i'll worry about LATER..when Later gets here 🙂

so...for now...I'll be in this moment...sitting at my office (grateful to have a job)...my back is hurting...has been hurting for nearly two weeks...but...I have the ability to feel 🙂 back ache...sign of getting old...yes, but....at least I am still here...getting older....

I remember...last year...when I 'got' this.....this BEING in the moment...

I was in the shower...the water was hot....

I could FEEL...I had warm water..CLEAN warm water..and soap..and a home to bathe in....

A while later, I went downstairs to start cooking...I was completely aware of everything that I did..and all that I HAD...food with which to nurture my children..again, clean water...a stove, dishes...CHILDREN!! the ability to stand and cook..and to be grateful.

this minute...grateful for gamcare..grateful to each of you for being here

love,

peg

A fabulous post Peg

So insightful, inspirational...a realisation of what we are, where we are and a contentment gratitude for what we have.

We do tend to take things for granted, but as you say even the small things we don't like such as back pain, work, making dinner are signs of who WE are.

Life will never be a bed of roses, but then we would soon get tired of that as well. The ups & downs are what make life what it is, such experiences make us appreciate them even more.

Hiya peg

still full of words of wisdom I see. keep it up.

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

HI Peg

I am grateful that you are here xx

Your posts seem to come at the right time for me..Drink I am feeling that to but am grateful that if I can stop gambling, in time I will have it in me to change otehr aspects of my life..But for the time being I will be me for what is right for me right now..

One day at a time, I am sort of getting that more and more now..Today soembody was b******g at work and I chose not to listen not to get invloved cause that would be a waste of my day xx

Love

Lynn

xxx

Peg, just read your post in Anna's diary and it so clicked with how im feeling at the moment and i wanted to say thank you.

I have personal issues which as you say i cannot change, but i can change the way i am and if that isnt enough then so be it.

The serenity prayer is something i love reading at the end of our meetings and something i really need to take heed of more.

Thanks once again.

Keith xx

What I'm doing is not simply stopping gambling.

If I were simply stopping gambling I wouldn't call it 'recovery', i would call it 'stopping gambling'.

Funny that...even though many of us come from different walks of life, different parts of the GLOBE even...there are many many things that we have in common.

We are different....we each have our own personalities...our own sets of issues, etc...but...there are many many things that we do tend to share.

When I was gambling...I KNEW that I had a problem...I KNEW that I was accumulating tons of debt...did I know that it would come crashing down on me at some point? I don't know...I mean...I guess...if one were to think LOGICALLY (which I was incapable of at the time) of COURSE one would realize that eventually they would be discovered and would have to 'pay the piper'...but to be honest...I just didn't THINK about it...hmmmm maybe I was living ODAAT way back then? just...if i can hide this for one more day...just today...then all will be well....

My thinking was so skewed then.....and THEN...when it all DID come out...when I had to TALK about this...FACE the HORROR of what I had done...wow...I was devastated that I could've done this...that I was so stupid....and yet....I did not REALLY want to stop...

When I first stopped gambling I was a mess.

There was so much guilt and shame regarding the financial mess that I had gotten us into...there was no trust in my marriage...I didn't really feel 'safe'...I felt very very frightened...unsure if i would keep my family...and i was determined to stop...and yet...I STILL wanted to gamble.

After not gambling for a while, I started to build up resentments... I mean...I was doing GREAT! I was doing everything I was supposed to be doing...I was doing the IMPOSSIBLE (not gambling) and yet...my husband still didn't trust me? and sometimes he would make comments that would hurt my feelings...and really make me angry...how DARE he? Doesn't he see how GOOD i am doing? Doesn't he realize how hard this is and how exceptional I am??

No, he did not.

Because...all I was doing is what 'ordinary' people do EVERY DAY....all I was doing is what i am SUPPOSED to be doing.

Imagine if he came home from the office today and burst into the house all excited and said "Hey, Peg! Guess what! I went to work today! Aren't you proud of me?" and expected me to make a big deal of it....I mean...I'm GLAD he does it...but...I'm supposed to CELEBRATE it?

It was a difficult time for us...he was hurt and angry...and I was sensitive and vulnerable...

THAT is when I decided that...my happiness has to come from within me.

I cannot depend on someone else to make me FEEL good...or allow someone else to make me FEEL badly.

Emotions are a big issue for most of the cg's that I have met and talked with.

G.A. says this is an 'emotional illness'.

I can remember a time...in my early twenties when I would cry at the drop of a hat...if I became angry, I would cry...if I was sad...I think I was always on the verge of tears..and I wasn't sure why. stress??

I had a high-powered career and it wasn't really OK for me to cry...competing in the business world..with MEN..who were older than me...I had to be an equal...I had to be BETTER than them to be an equal.

I learned to choke back tears....hide my feelings...IGNORE my feelings.

Now I know that..just because we ignore something doesn't necessarily mean it goes away.

ANYWAY...I knew I had to figure out this 'feeling' problem that I had...and...well, to tell the truth I STILL haven't 'figured it out'...but...I HAVE learned quite a bit about myself..and my feelings.

I could spend the whole day alone..at home..cleaning the house or doing whatever...and..the slightest comment from him would set me off.

That really wasn't fair to him.

He is entitled to HIS feelings. He had cause to be angry...

BUT

I am entitled to MY feelings too...and I didn't have any reason to feel hurt..I had reasons to feel GREAT!!! Look what I was doing!!!

sooooooooo

I decided to focus on THAT...on ME...on MY feelings...and not his...

I started thinking to myself...all of the time...'I didn't gamble today'...I would be in the grocery line..and would smile to myself..thinking about how wonderful it was that I was 'doing the right thing'...I would think about it as I did laundry...cooked..ALL the time....I would smile....I didn't NEED anyone else to be proud of me...I WAS!!!

I was doing the right thing..and *I* knew it..and that's all that REALLY mattered.

once i started doing that...on the occasions that he would say something that I considered hurtful or ugly...or really, if he mentioned my gambling, or our debt..anything that would spark a bit of anger in me...I would NOT become defensive....I would NOT be upset with him (he is entitled to his feelings)...but I would smile at him (not in a sarcastic way...but very very sweetly...honestly showing my JOY...how HAPPY I was) and say "but I didn't gamble today" or "but I don't do that any more".

and I would go about my day...I'm not sure how that made him feel...it's not my concern...but...eventually...those little comments stopped. He never mentions it any more...never ever...He doesn't PRAISE me either, mind you...and that's OK too...

He doesn't understand.

He will never understand.

But that's OK...because *I* know how huge this is... *I* know what a great thing I am doing

AND

I do not have to do this alone.

geez...I'm not sure where all of this came from...thoughts all over the place this morning....it just poured out.

Life is good today.

Smile 🙂

Hello Peg,

Long time..no see! Glad you are busy living your life. Glad for you, glad for your family.

Through your diaries & posts I continue to learn so much from 'the other side', for that I am Glad. Love to you

Jackie x

yeah peg, stopping gambling is the easy part, its rebuilding your life that takes courage, strength, determination, and just sheer grit!!

way to go

love

rusty

xx

(((Peg))),

Just wanted to pop on your diary and thank you again for all the friendship and support you have given me since I started this journey. You are a gem.

Love, Anna

hi peg,

wanted to pop in and apologise for not being in contact lately, sorry ((peg))

love

jane (jinxy)x

Peg, just read your post yesterday, its so inspiring. At themoment your posts are so close to my heart and i value them so much.....thank you x