taking my life back

(((( Peg )))

Thank you so much, read your post about consequences and it hits the mark for me no doubt.

I am ready and accepting mine.

I will carry the weight of my actions as that is only fair.

I cannot change the past but I do accept what I cannot change.

Thank you so much.

W xxx

My behavior when I was in the cycle baffles me ....well..it used to...I think I understand it somewhat now...I am married and have two boys. My family is the most important thing in my life.

but

it WOULD appear that I chose gambling over them...and for a long time, I felt ashamed and stupid and..well, BAFFLED.

(funny...that little yellow 'combo' book that g.a. uses.....as I grow and change..different words or phrases there seem to suddenly make sense...when I first started attending g.a. meetings...the line that really spoke to me was "and the depths of their misery were fathomless"...that's exactly how I felt)

ANYWAY

I was baffled.

How could I have done this?

I see a Dr. who specializes in addiction. He is a proponent of 12 steps...hmmm...proponent may be too soft a word... BUT... during my appointments with him...he would always tell me that...if I don't gamble...that's really nothing to be PROUD of...and if i DO gamble...it's nothing to be ASHAMED of...this is not a BEHAVIOR problem...this is a BRAIN problem.

He would cite all sorts of experiments regarding addiction, dopamine, seratonin....trying to explain to me that I really didn't CHOOSE to harm my family in this way.

There's a lot of conflicting opinions on the web about whether or not this is a disease, whether or not this is a choice...BUT... there is very little question that neurotransmitters are involved....also...brain imaging shows that there are differences in the brains of 'compulsive gamblers' and 'normal' people (although, it is uncertain whether or not those differences occurred Prior to the gambling...or if we have, in some way, damaged our brains by indulging in this activity).

well....

I could go on and on, but...what I wanted to say is...this was not my FAULT.

Gambling started out as a little bit of fun.

Only a small percentage of people actually get 'hooked'...the problem is...one doesn't realized that they are (hooked) until they ARE..and THEN...we are unable to choose to walk away...the part of our brain that is affected when we are in the gambling cycle is the same part of our brain that controls free will (as well as other vital things).

NOW

having said that....

having said that it's not our FAULT (what we have done)...now that we have realized that we have a problem...now that we KNOW that gambling is not a harmless game... it is our RESPONSIBILITY to take steps to get better.

and we can do that.

Many people are.

When I first attended a ga meeting and was told this was a 'disease' I went right out and gambled...thinking 'well...I have a disease...I can't help it!'

wrong

i have a disease...so it's not my FAULT...but...there are ways to get better...and it is my RESPONSIBILITY to do so.

it is also my DESIRE to do so.

I deserve my life.

I want my life.

I am living it.

what a fantastic inspiring and uplifting post from you peg

thank you for sharing it

love

rusty

xx

This abundance of determination that glows from you was what first drew me to you.

There is an aura of passion and desire for your life, shining from your words.

I know i am not the only one who sees it.

Your friend

Des x

You CAN change this, you CAN get your life back, you CAN be happy...and most importantly...it IS in your hands.

It is very difficult to do alone because it IS mind stuff....

If physical changes are taking place in the brain...and they are when we gamble.....well...what bodily functions does the brain control? Our thoughts and our feelings.

It stands to reason that...while we're in the cycle..and our brain chemistry is altered, those functions (thinking and feeling) are altered. I know mine were.

The key to getting 'clean', IMHO, is to somehow get our brain chemistry back to whatever is 'normal' for us...and KEEP it there.

Many things seem to be able to do that (alter our brain chemistry)...things that we ingest (drugs, alcohol, FOODS), activities (gambling does.. s*x? running, laughing?), as well as thoughts and feelings...

the PROBLEM, as I see it...with trying to do this alone is....it's too difficult to change our thinking...unless we are spending time with others who UNDERSTAND that 'skewed thinking' process....and can help us to change our thinking to one that is more 'normal'.

alone is not only lonely...it is also misleading...it keeps us enmeshed in the shame and the LIES that our 'addictive voice' tells us.

Reach out.

Post here.

Call the Gamcare Helpline.

Get to a G.A. meeting

http://www.sfcghub.com has a 24/7 chat room for compulsive gamblers

[email protected] if you'd like to email with me.

It's too hard to do this alone.

We don't have to.

stopping gambling is one thing....it's STAYING stopped that is so difficult.

I used to think that 'recovery' meant deprivation... living a life of suffering, unable to participate in the ONE thing that truly gave me pleasure.

I guess...given that line of thinking, it makes sense that I went back to gambling.

FREEDOM....THAT is what recovery means to me today.

One caught up on the addiction would surely argue (I know that I would have) that gambling was 'fun'...that they 'enjoyed' it...but...look what it DID to me!! look who it MADE me!!

I was it's slave.

I could think of nothing else.

I wanted to DO nothing else.

So, here I am.

I don't struggle with a desire to gamble. I do not wish to gamble....

but

I am having some real problems making some of the changes that I know need to be made in my life.

As a friend of mine in recovery calls this particular issue 'being responsible in the small things.'

That it is exactly it.

The big things?

I got that covered.

Now that gambling is behind me...I am never late to pick up my children...if a friend needs me, I am there...I am devoted and loving in all of my important relationships.

It's the little things....

I have four appointments that should have been made weeks ago....still I dont make the calls.

I have many phone calls to return...I don't make them.

There are a few things around the house that need to be repaired...I need to make calls for that.

I often pay my bills late, even when I have money in my account to cover them? I prefer not to even open the bills...and often...I end up paying them...once I get a phone call (delinquency)...without ever having looked at the bill itself...having no idea of what I am paying for.

not doing my OWN chores around the house...

I could go on and on...

In the past, I have been pretty successful in accomplishing some of these mundane tasks if I make a list.

I can't even bring myself to do that.

I'm not depressed.

I feel fine.

Why then? Why do I struggle with this?

Is this, somehow a part of addictive behavior? My desire to do just what 'feels good' and disregard things that aren't 'fun' or 'rewarding' (especially if the consequences of not doing them isn't so great) ?

Anyone else experience this....or is it just me?

gonna try to make a list now 🙁

no peg, its not you, and i thank you sincerely for flagging this one up.

I have been in recovery for over 2 years, minor deviations accepted!

but ...........

i do struggle with motivation.

dont know if you have read any of my thoughts on this one. i have been thinking of late that when i was gambling i was so much of a 'doer', now i do very little. I feel so resentful about this, but i dont have the motivation to do what i did.

A thought that crossed my mind was that it was maybe an age thing, i am 50+ and thinking about what i did in my 40's or even 30's. but i am not so sure that its a valid argument.

to be frank, i am at a loss.

TBH, i have difficulty reading posts of people who say that they are so much more motivated now that they have stopped gambling. It kind of makes me feel resentful because its not my experience.

I was speaking to gabriele in chat a couple of weeks ago and talking about how i used to live life in the fast lane and could juggle at an amazing rate. I think i just have not adjusted to life in the slow lane, and i guess i still feel very resentful about that.

I wonder if you have heard the expression - if you want something done, ask a busy person. That was me. Now, its man-yanna, and even then nothing gets done. I just keep putting off and off.

but i think that you are ahead of me. I am not sure that i am there enough for my family. I am more than i was, but i dont think its enough. i keep saying tomorrow and tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes

okkies, thanks for letting me rant

good point peg, and i will look out for your further thoughts

sorry i missed you on yahoo last night. i had difficulty sleeping, but i guess by the time you responded i had gone off to bed. Hope we can touch base before 26th dec!!!

take care

love

carol

xx

Hi Peg

Same as for me..Its the little things I just dodn`t seem to do..The biggie stopping gambling done xx

But the biggie now for me now is to getting the little things done..Still working on that..

My husband has never been a gambler and he struggles with getting things done aswell..I think for me is that I expected to be this totally new person, but looking back to before I gambled I used to get things done but was never one to complete everything it just isn`t me xx

Maybe I used gambling as a mask, an excuse to not get things done,,All day in teh bookies home a little sleep and not time to get stuff done only time to gamble, so it was easy for me to brush things ynder teh carpet..Now I am slowly lifting teh carpet up and my gosh there is a lot of stuff under there..

Not sure about you, but I am getting more done now but still doesn`t feel enough..

Sorry Peg have rambled a bit, but a very interesting post from you..I thought it was just me, but its clear once again we aren`t alone and I feel good about that..

I have rung a few companies today to sort things out, wouldn`t have done it for a couple of months if I was gambling - took me a couple of weeks but thats better then before..

A quick point on cleaning - never have liked it so am not expecting that to change - but to shift my attitude to doing things because tehy need to be done is a tough one but again am working on that xx

YOu never no, I might have teh cleanest house in the UK soon and tehn again maybe not lol xx

Love

Lynn

xxx

Is it possible Peg that what we are doing when we ignore or put of small tasks is a form of self-harm? Inevitably when the small task becomes a problem we will condemn ourselves for being lazy or disorganised or just plain stupid - when I am not gambling this often happens - its as if I need to hold onto the idea that I am worthless.

Its about being good to yourself, coming back to a clean and tidy room is a nice feeling, it takes minutes to keep tidy, why do I leave it in a mess? Why do I deny myself that nice feeling? Am I just a lazy buggar, am I making excuses, am I worthless?

Thanks Peg for your insight

James

There's a part of the g.a. combo book that says '...there is a theory that compulsive gamblers subconciously want to lose to punish themselves. There is much evidence to support this theory.'

I have always taken issue with that statement...or...at the very least...I thought...*I* certainly didn't want to punish myself!!!

but...maybe you're right James.

More than anything....the consequences of my putting things off is overwhelming anxiety once a deadline has been reached and I am not prepared...or... being constantly hounded...by creditors...by my husband...by other people...about things that I am supposed to have done...and...when someone questions or 'bugs' me OR....if I just think about it myself (things I am neglecting) I get that cringing..sinking feeling.

But

I don't ENJOY that feeling! I HATE that feeling!

So why on earth would I intentionally (even if it's subconcious) DO THIS??? over and over and over again???

I'm not sure that it's about being good to myself (or rather, NOT being good to myself)...but...after reading the responses to this yesterday...I've been giving this a lot of thought.

I googled 'dopamine self-harm'

well...all of the information that came up was dealing specifically with people who exhibited PHYSICALLY injurious behavior...but...is this so different? I'm not sure...BESIDES...I have spoken with many cg's who DO injure themselves physically.

I watched a documentary a while back about addictions... there is a line that comes to mind...

"There is a part of your brain that now has an additional responsibility and that is to get drugs ." (drugs=dopamine)

so...maybe...just maybe...in the same way that a child will do bad things in order to get attention (good attention, bad attention, doesn't matter...kids just crave attention)...maybe...I am doing whatever it takes to get my drug (dopamine)...doesn't matter if it feels good or bad...and it doesn't matter what the consequences are.

?

so.....even if I stop gambling and smoking....I may still be 'active' in addictive behavior...still dependent on my 'drug'...

back to 'a new way of thinking and LIVING' I guess...

it seems to be the key.

peg a very detailed and deep post there!

the bit about children wanting any attention is spot on. if a child doesn't get the attention it needs it will do anything they can to get it. this then becomes a learned behaviour and quite often we will continue it into our adulthood. it is one thing i am having to work hard on with my counsellor!

so it may not necessarily be that you want to hurt yourself. you need attention and you are doing all you know how to get that attention. as with anything it's how we respond to it that is the important thing. and just by recognising it is great i would say!

love ya peg,

alice

no...what I'm doing is not attention-seeking behavior

I just found this on the web...

According to the DSM-IV (APA, 1994), several diagnostic features are associated

with pathological gambling: (a) Persistent and recurrent maladaptive gambling behavior,

and (b) Disruption of personal, family, or vocational pursuits. As well, a number of

associated descriptive features and mental disorders are identified. These include:

• Distortions in thinking (denial, superstitions, overconfidence, sense of power or

control).

• Money is viewed as both the cause and solution to the individual's problems.

• Pathological gamblers are frequently highly competitive, energetic, restless and

easily bored.

• May be overly concerned about approval from others and/or generous.

• Prone to developing other behaviors associated with stress.

• High levels of suicide ideation and increased suicide attempts.

• History of ADHD and inattention during childhood.

• Increased rates of Mood Disorders, ADHD, Substance Abuse or Dependence, other

Impulse Control Disorders, and higher rates of Antisocial, Narcissistic and

Borderline Personality Disorders.

the entire document can be found here:

http://www.education.mcgill.c…Publications/2007/Brazil2.pdf

interesting...Prone to developing other behaviors associated with stress.

I didn't really think about it that way...well...I suppose that is a form of self-harm...but...behaviors associated with stress...

THAT is what I do....I don't take action until it (whatever it is) becomes a full-blown issue...resulting in stress and anxiety.

I guess that answers my question...it IS somehow related.

For me...being rid of this gambling addiction isn't going to be about stopping gambling...it is going to be about ridding myself of all forms of 'addictive-behaviors'....to the best of my ability 🙂

xo

Hi peg,

thanks for the tip, I will give it a try, i am also going to take as little money as possable.

Pathological gamblers are frequently highly competitive, energetic, restless and easily bored.

They could have been studying me when they wrote that line, but when you read it somewhere like here it does help you to understand that sometimes it is in your makeup the thing you are fighting so giving you extra strength knowing that you are changing your life for the better and not just on the gambling front.

Thanks for posting it peg,

stay strong, Darren.

Hi Peg, thanks for my post. I went out with one of my GA crowds last night to a comedy club so was quite fitting really. The days have flown by but its still very much a day at a time.

Thank you for all your support, means a lot

Keith x

Hi Peg. I agree with you when you say getting rid of the gambling isnt just about that, but changing our addictive habits and making us into the real people we know we can be.

Thank you for your continued support. Love Jan x