taking my life back

Hi Peg

Highly competitive that was me and still is in other aspects, think i need to chanel that into something positive as sometimes behaviours / chaneld in teh right direction may help fill that need (thanks Alice for a past post from your conseller -)

Like you am the same wait until the last minute and it becomes a fenzy - I have to admit thats the buzz i got getting myself out of a whole..

Many thanks peg, you have got me thinking and its all good..Just by typing this I am now saying to myself "why get yourself in that whole on purpose - thats just silly"

Take Care

All My Love

Lynn

xxx

Hi Peg

Thanks so much for hugs..much needed.

All still going well, no gambling and catching up on sleep.

Feeling calmer these las few days.

Intersting thread, think its actually the buzz of meeting a challenge and if there isn't one then creating one. So we don't plan ahead subconciously on purpose ,if that makes sense.

W xxx

Hi Peg!

Just read the last few posts on your diary.....

Procrastination is my middle name! (Makes it a long name). Honestly, there are SO MANY little things in my life to attend, I get overwhelmed. Then i get absorbed in something immediately in front of me, and put the rest off AGAIN!

Maybe we've all got way too much to do - and most of it is boring beyond endurance. A PA and a housekeeper would solve my problem! (Except i would forget to tell the pa what to do, or I couldn'nt be bothered telling...um....him, should be a young, attractive "him" - yes!) Oh, and i need someone to mow the lawn.... I've procrastinated myself a jungle! The weather has certainly been tropical enough....

Every now and then, I get sick of myself, and say to myself: "Righto, you are in charge of this, let's go!" ...and, for a while, I've got it together. I'm a bit (well, lot) unravelled at the moment... you are not alone my friend! Be kind to yourself.... I suspect we live in an entire world of people who are barely holding it together.

I just realised something... This time last year i was borrowing money, blowing the christmas savings, out of control in debt, and wondering where the hell it was ever going to end....compared to last year, I'm doing GREAT! Compared to my organised, tidy, sober (dare i say: a**l?) solid citizen neighbours across the street?...well...ok, my yard is a blight on the neighbourhood. I could trade my carbon credits!Hope Kyoto's ratified!

S'been a while since you've had a truly silly post, isn't it.... Can't help myself!

Sending you lots of love, my friend,

Kerrie

Hi Peg

I was reading some of your comments and help you were giving hte newbies on the intro forum.

There was some very sound advice indeed. Well done you in doing so much in supporting others.

Very best wishes

Paul

((((Paul)))) I answered your post on the New members intros -- glad you're here 🙂

and ((((KERRIEEEEEEEEEE))))

I have missed you!

you made me laugh out loud..you are so funny...glad to hear you're doing well..and yes...big difference between christmas (any day really) when we're gambling and when we're not.

I got your email 🙂

I'll write soon...I must run.

xo

Hi Peg

Just wanted to say a huge thank you to your supportive post last week. Your contributions, support, kind words and love are unbelievable, we are all so lucky to have you here on this forum....

Doodle

From time to time, someone asks what caused me to relapse after 20 months clean....this is for ((James))

Sometime in 1999 or in 2000 I called the helpline on the back of my ‘Diamond Club' Players card…I needed help.

The girl was really nice.

I was freaking out about the financial situation I suddenly found myself in.

Funny…it took YEARS to accumulate that debt….it made me NERVOUS whenever I thought about it…but every once in a while I would have one of those ‘moments of clarity' and I would freak out.

Those ‘moments' usually didn't last long.

Anyway,

The girl on the help line talked to me for a while…she did most of the talking because I couldn't stop crying…bottom line was ‘get to a meeting'.

No way…I wasn't going to a meeting.

Several months later, I found myself in a meeting.

I attended that one..but I didn't go back.

I wasn't like them.

They did corny stuff like hold hands and say the serenity prayer, they would say ‘hi I'm ___ and I'm a compulsive gambler” every time they spoke…and the rest of the room would respond “Hello ______”. Wacky.

Besides..they told me that I could never gamble normally again…and I didn't want to hear that.

ANDDDDD

They weren't going to teach me to control my gambling….nor tell me how to get out of debt (I thought that maybe if I could just stop gambling for a while…catch up a little financially…then everything would be ok and I could start over).

I wasn't ready to stop gambling….I just wanted to get out of financial distress and they weren't going to help me with that.

I didn't go back until April of 2002…when the s**t hit the fan at my house….a story for another day 

I attended meetings…one meeting a week, when I could make it (I have a family).

PLUS

I had a problem with that ‘higher power' thing.

So……. I attended meetings….I got myself a temporary sponsor but she just wasn't what I needed at the time…so we drifted apart….and I did quite a bit of reading…recovery related and general self-help.

I couldn't do the higher power thing…it seemed to me that it wasn't necessary…the key to the whole thing seemed to be my character defects.

That was it….if I become a better person, and attend meetings (because ‘meetings make it') I could stay gamble free.

Soooooo….that is basically what I did….tried to be a good person and attended the occasional (once a month…or once every few months eventually) meeting.....it was fear-based....see....gambling was a coping mechanism for me...so...when events would occur in my life that I felt inadequate to cope with (or just didn't want to face)...my thoughts would turn to gambling...but I was able to resist...I had power and I could choose....and I was making the right choices.

Occasionally...something BIG would happen....like a death, for instance...and I would get to a meeting...leave feeling empowered again...not to return until the next time I needed it...months would go by without a meeting.

I did it.

I was fine.

Life was great……

until it wasn't.

soon after my 40th birthday I discovered that I was pregnant.

WHAT?

I'd had my tubes tied 2 years prior...and i was FORTY!!!

I was devastated.

This was not the plan.

In 10 years, my boys would be gone...off to college...NOW? in 10 years I would be doing 3rd grade HOMEWORK!!!

for months..i was in a daze..in shock and extremely unhappy.

then

one day

it hit me...

we're going to have a BABY!!!!

o*g--everything changed...I began to get excited...picking names, making plans...a new life.

My youngest son was thrilled…he was going to be a big brother….

I could do this.

What was I thinking?

Life is going to be ok.

Life is going to be great.

my next dr. visit we discovered that the baby was dead.

The dr. gave me meds to induce labor..told me to go home and wait…and when I got ‘uncomfortable' to come to the hospital…I said…no, I'm just going to stay home…he tried to convince me..and I more or less agreed to go to the hospital..but in the back of my mind..I knew I'd stay home (he knew how much pain I would end up in….and sort of knew I wouldn't).

I was 17 weeks pregnant. Twenty weeks constitutes a stillbirth…this was a miscarriage.

So….I was going to take these pills…lie down…cramp for a while and then I'd bleed and bleed and…I guess….I thought ‘miscarriage' meant I would pass a blob of blood?

The phone didn't stop ringing…I couldn't talk to anyone..my husband had to deal with all of the well-wishers and questions….one of my girlfriends is a nurse…and when he told her that I planned to stay home…she insisted on talking to me….she told me that I couldn't stay home…I had to ‘deliver' this baby.

About twelve hours later we drove to the hospital. I spent all weekend in labor..to deliver my dead baby boy.

that will change a person.

it did me.

but i still did not gamble.

i didn't go to a meeting either...I was good..was ok.

my father in law had been diagnosed with cancer a few years prior and we were coming to the end of his life...once I recovered (physically) I began helping him to die.

My mother in law cared for him all day… and I slept in a recliner chair next to his hospital bed in the den…for a few months…I'd wake up early in the morning..go home to take care of my family…until the next evening….I loved him…..I loved having that time with him….my baby would have been born during that time…..I was tired….I was hurting.

one morning, after dropping my son off at school..was driving past a place that i used to gamble when i thought...what could it hurt? i mean...i only had $60 on me..and i could afford to lose it, no big deal..and besides....who could blame me?

I wasn't there long...I spent my 60 bucks and left...see? painless (well...except for the shame?)

but

a week or so later…I thought….why not? Again, I don't have much money…besides…I was able to ‘control' it the last time.

i was back in it now.

the cycle.

i could not stop.

didn't WANT to stop.

I started lying and cheating and hiding again.

During my abstinence..I was happy and there WERE changes in me…but…many things that needed to change were not addressed…I was not even AWARE of them…

This ‘recovery' thing for me…now…it is not about becoming a better person…it is about becoming a DIFFERENT person…a mature adult with healthy coping skills…to be more AWARE..of everything…of who I am…of what's important…and with what's going on inside of my head…since an ‘addict' lives there….

ANYWAY…my gambling wasn't daily this time..nor was it for thousands and thousands of dollars...I didn't have access to that kind of money (without my husband finding out)...and I wasn't CONSUMED by thoughts of gambling every waking moment...often i was...but not constant..like before.

I gambled for 22 months.

I did not attend a meeting during that time...I continued to see my therapist...and taking meds for depression.

I don't mean to make it sound like it wasn't BAD...I mean...at one time I had five payday loans...$300 each...there were certainly days that I was desperate to gamble and whenever I DID gamble...I was WAY out of control and could not stop..and towards the end of that 22 month period I was going more frequently...

I was causing problems in my brother's marriage...I am the big sister…I was always the responsible one, the ‘good' one…I have always been there for him..throughout his life...so anytime that I'd call and ask for money, he would jump thru hoops to get it for me..even if they could not afford it...I borrowed money from friends...geez...maybe I was a lot worse than I have been thinking I was.?

But the gambling was not as painful (financially) as it had been previously.

But….It was painful in other ways.

On 10 30 06 I happened upon a chat room for compulsive gamblers….

I was not looking to stop gambling…

but

something changed in me that day…

and

I have not gambled since.

Thanks for letting me share.

Oh, (((((Peg))))). You have shared some of this with me before, but not all. I am crying at this post.

You have been through so very much in your life, and yet, here you are, gamble free for more than a year, and you will never, ever know how much of a difference you have made in so many people's lives, both here and in Safe Harbor, and at your meetings.

I honestly thank God for bringing you into my life, Peg, because without your encouragement and friendship, I honestly don't know that I would have made it this far. You are an amazing woman.

Love always,

Anna

I can't begin to tell you how you have helped since I joined this forum last July Peg.

So many of your posts have struck such a chord in me and stayed with me daily.

This post on your diary today I can't find the right words to express my feelings for your pain and for your success.

I can only send you hugs and my admiration for all you have overcome and you continue to give.

love W xoxoxox

thanks for your support peg, it relly does help me lots kristian x

what can I add - your post was immensely powerful and you showed terrific courage in facing all the things that have come your way. I am so happy for you Peg that you found this site. I too have problems with the higher power thing and that was what excluded me from meetings - never felt I'd belong there. I believe that I got myself in the **** and I need to get myself out otherwise I am abdicating responsibility to others (even if it's a 'higher' other.) You are living in the real world dealing with real problems and have provided for me today a REAL inspiration. Thanks JG x

Hi Peg

Thank you for sharing...

Over teh last week I have been reading your Blog (hope you don`t mind got the link form Pauls post) , I was nodding at parts, talking to teh ecreen at others aying thats me thats me, thats what it was like, I felt that...

I shed a tear and smiled as your story unravelled in front of my eyes..

So thank you for sharing Peg

Love

Lucy

xxx

Thanks to each of you for reading...and for sharing your comments.

For me...it helps..not just with this story..but with any pain...or anything at all that bothers me...to tell it and tell it and tell it and tell it....then one day...i realize..I don't need to tell it any more.

Funny, Anna, you said that I shared 'part' of this story with you before...I found where I had shared my story...but as I re-read it...other things came back to me...things i had forgotten...that felt important to say now...maybe THAT's it...when I get it ALL out I will be done?

who knows...I am better 🙂

The thing is...the whole point of that story is...it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter what happens in my life...it doesn't.

If some tragedy would occur that would take my entire family....is it ok for me to gamble?

Yep.

It is.

It is ok for me to gamble anytime.

It's perfectly legal....who's to say it's not OK?

and

for that matter....

if nothing at all bad happens...if i am just sitting here and decide...what the hell..i just WANT to.

is it ok?

yep.

who's to say it isn't?

it's ok.

so if i do it...there is no shame....it's OK if i choose to do it.

the thing is....while it IS ok....there will be consequences.

it doesn't matter if 'everyone would understand' or 'nobody could blame me'...there will STILL be consequences.

It doesn't matter if I have no one at all to answer to....or if i can 'afford' it...or

or

or

or

none of that matters.

If I gamble...there WILL be consequences.

period.

so, yeah, pain is a reason to gamble..it's a d**n GOOD reason to gamble...

but given the fact that my 'disease' has progressed to the point that it has...

the consequences of gambling....are just too great for me...no matter what the 'reason'.

no reason is good enough to face those consequences.

when i am in pain..that 'voice' might try to convince me otherwise...because it wants relief...it wants to medicate...it wants to numb...

no reason is good enough.

not for me.

not today.

oh! and ((Jack)) - I *DO* attend g.a. 🙂 I LOVE g.a..... it has it's place in my recovery....I learn a lot there...and...the meetings do seem to 'lift' me....my views on them is ever-changing....as are my views on everything, it seems 🙂

Peg

still working on me.

and Lynn --- the blog...I am almost 'driven' to do this for some reason...It feels good to say it...and if something I say helps anyone to understand this...or...to just not feel so alone....that's all the better!

thanks for mentioning it...good to know 🙂

Love,

Peg

Peg, thank you for all you've shared with me and for all your inspiration and advice and wisdom.

You are a treasure. Keep on writing, you have a gift.

Gerard