taking my life back

Hi Peg..

... that was an awsome last post of yours. I keep coming back to read it.. S.A 🙂

Geez...it's been a while.

My life is so busy these days... I remember when all I did, all day long, was sit at my pc logged into gamcare and safe harbor....my whole world revolved around not gambling.

and before that...I spent every moment I could sitting at some machine..throwing my money (and my life) away.

and now I wonder how I ever had the time to do either of those things.

Life isn't always great...I've had some health issues....and some (teenage) kid issues....but no matter how bad things get.... I know that gambling will only make them worse.

actually I never think about it.

except.....

on a few occasions, i've had to travel through Las Vegas all alone....and that old feeling snuck up on me. It was strong...as strong as it ever was....and as much as I wanted to gamble (and I really really did)...I knew that I really did NOT want to go thru all of the cr** again... and I know how damnn hard it is to STOP...I never want to have to stop again....

so I just won't start 🙂

I know how to take care of me now.... although a part of me really didn't WANT to (I wanted to gamble)...the sane part of me made a phone call each time I was in danger....the first time I called a friend in recovery....

the NEXT time I called my son. He's 19 -- he talked to me for twenty minutes...through the airport.....til I drove out of town.

They see the strong me who never gambles at all...for anything....but I showed him that it isn't always that way....I really really wanted to gamble that day.

but i didn't.

and i showed him that too.

that i can NOT do it....even tho I want to really badly.

it's sort of strange to just be a 'person' to your kids....or at least, it is for me --they are teenagers....I'm not their friend yet 🙂

but....I believe that for many of us (at least for ME)....there is a genetic factor in this addiction stuff.....so the more they know, the safer THEY will be.

or...maybe not...but.... knowledge is power..... and we sure need a lot of strength to break free of this thing....knowledge/power are good.

once out of Vegas, I was so relieved I reached out for help...... and I really don't think of gambling at all ordinarily.

Anyway...I just wanted to stop in...to say that THIS IS DO-ABLE... not EASY...but DO-ABLE...never stop trying to stop....you are worth it.

it may not feel like it.

I once felt like the best gift I could give my family and the world was to take my life....that thought is so foreign to me now... so far away.... it's difficult to imagine I ever thought such a thing.

It's hard work, but we don't have to stay stuck in the cycle....YOU don't have to...

glad you're here 🙂

love,

peg

WOW !

What a brilliant post. Well done to you.

It is really uplifting to read a success story.

Brian

Gosh, I cannot believe I've been away so long.

There was a time... when I sat at my pc for hours monitoring this forum... trying to make sure that every new person who posted was responded to as quickly as possible... because it hadn't been that long (for me)... and I KNEW how desperately I needed contact when I was seeking help... and to find a place like this... other people like ME... because most of the people in my REAL world couldn't relate (nor did I share with them what was going on... out of fear and shame).

So yes, to find people like ME... was such a relief.

and to fine people who HAD been like me... but were BETTER... THAT gave me so much HOPE.

So shame on me for not checking in more often... to tell you that you CAN do this... and that it is MUCH too difficult to do alone.... so hang around here with people that can support you through it.....

Your life is precious... and meaningful... and worthwhile. Even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

YOU are precious and meaningful and worthwhile...

Do it.

There is HOPE.

Never stop trying to stop.

Be well.

Peg

Peg,

Thought I would pop in to say hello and well done for turning your life around.. Nothing better to log on and read about someone who has turned their life around.

Tomso.

nearly 3 years

welcome back

Hi Peg,

Just coming by to thank you for such a lovely posts you share on your diary. I didn't read it fully yet, but have to say your strength, belief and determination shines through. Anything is possible, we can never give up to this evil habit, we can stop if we really want to, it is within us all along.

Really inspiring diary, thank you again for being here for others, support is really huge help to fight this addiction. We learn from each other, we fight alongside, we unite.

Very well done on your continued abstinenece, another sound voice to tell us -IT CAN BE DONE.

Be proud and all the best

Sandra x

Anything is possible.

Yes, Sandra1, it is.

I just came to share my latest blog entry and when I searched for my diary, I was thinking about it's title.. 'Taking my life back'

That isn't really what I've done.

I started a whole new one.

You can too.

The following is what I shared on my blog today:

So this post really isn't about gambling.

Or not gambling.

It's about how something can seem impossible.

Or... maybe it's possible for SOME people... but it isn't possible for ME.

And then....it IS happening.

Now sometimes that is because...well... things just happen.

But for other things.... it takes effort.

Hard work, determination, change.

And it's HARD to suffer... to work really hard... to sacrifice.......when you reallyyyy don't think a thing is achievable.

It's much easier to accept that you cannot reach your goal and stop trying.

But.

what.

the.

hell?????

I've got ONE life.

At least, as far as I know I only get one shot at this.

This is it.

One day I will be gone.

It'll all be over.

I look around me and I see all sorts of remarkable stories about people who have achieved unthinkable things.

Why.

not.

me?

They SAY... that what those people have in common is that they BELIEVED that they could. They KNEW it...

"Whether you think you can or you think you can't--you're right." -- Henry Ford

I guess when people 'think they can' they don't stop trying.

*I* think... that you only have to think it's POSSIBLE... and NEVER STOP TRYING.

When I look back at my life... especially at the time when I was so lost in despair at what I'd done to myself and my family through gambling that I was planning how to end it all.... I never could have imagined where I'd be right now.

It's ridiculous really, that I would be here.

And I'm not where I WANT To be, by any means.... but I won't stop trying 🙂

So I'll share...

I live in Louisiana, and about a year and a half ago, I found myself on the set of a tv show as an extra (long synchronistic story)... and I had a great time.

I did that a few times. I LOVED it. People get paid to be here? The energy... well.. it's hard to describe what, exactly, the pull is... but i LOVED being there. And wanted to do it all of the time.

But being an 'extra' wasn't that great sometimes.

And there are actors with minor roles... you know.. the lady in the parking lot, or the nurse who has a few lines....

I don't want to be a movie-star... but I'd LOVE to have small roles here and there... to do it on a regular basis.

So I started taking acting classes.

Most of the people in the classes are in their early 20's and plan to move to Hollywood at some point.

Me, I like my life.

I'm staying put... and like I said... I don't ever want people to know my name or ask for an autograph.

And I'm discovering lots of things about myself.

My current mantra is 'If I'm afraid to do it, then I must.'

So I don't know if it's gonna happen.

I imagine most people think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Most women my age that are doing this have been acting in theater, or working toward this for many years.

But I am not gonna stop trying.

I'm not.

So for the past year and half, I have been in one acting class or another. I've got a private coach that I work with weekly. I have signed with an agent and a manager... have auditioned for quite a few really cool shows/movies (not booking any, mind you)... but this week I am working on a pretty big local commercial. Lots of people auditioned for this role in several states... and I booked it.

It's weird tho.

When I DON'T book... I feel like I just missed out on a great opportunity... but then when I DO book, I feel like it isn't THAT big of a deal.

That's sort of twisted.

Yeah... learning lots about myself.

Anyway.... it is unTHINKable that people will be making a COMMISSION off of MY ACTING work? what?

When I signed with my agent, my paperwork had instructions to mail in three self-address stamped envelopes so that they could use them to forward my checks.

I did not do that.

Because it seemed ridiculous that they would ever forward me a check.

So even though I didn't BELIEVE it was going to happen... I thought it COULD... and I never stopped trying.

So now... I need to get those SASE in the mail to the agency 🙂

Even if you think you can't.

Know that it MIGHT be possible.

And never stop trying to stop.

You are sooooo worth it.

It's YOUR life.

You only get one.

So far as I know.

xo

Love,

Peg

Well... I don't come around so much anymore.

When I first stopped gambling I had so much time to fill. Time that I would've been gambling... and I needed something to fill all of that time with. I began reading about addiction... but mostly I spent my time on online forums...being inspired by others who had managed to break free... and reaching out to new people who desperately needed HOPE that perhaps, they too, could do it too.

My time online looked like I had developed yet another addiction.

Maybe it was.... but IF it was... it was a healthy one.

And when I was ready... I moved on.

And I DIDN'T move on to another addiction 🙂

Oh... I'm pretty compulsive in most things that I do. But, that's a story for another time.

I logged on here tonight because I've been thinking about an old friend that I met here.

James.

James, if you're out there and you read this, please drop me a line!

So I logged on and tried to search for him... and the whole forum has changed.

I'm not a fan... but since I rarely come here anymore... I guess that doesn't matter.

So... in an effort to locate James, I began reading through my diary and I saw this-

In Nov of 2006 I wrote:

gentleness.

on another board, someone posted the other day "So many areas of our lives can benefit from the application of gentleness."

gentleness.

that's one quality that I've never worked on acquiring...never thought too much about it...thought of 'gentle' as a verb...not a 'quality' that I might posess.

I can be thoughtful, and kind, and at times I am gentle...

perhaps, if I practice being gentle with others, I can also be gentler with myself.

i didn't gamble today.
peg

Well I find that post very interesting and relevant today.

I took my recovery very seriously.

I recognized that *I* am the only person who can live this life.

And I get to do it however I see fit.

I get to be whoever I want to be.

And I started making changes.

I conscously decided who I did and did not want to be... and made small choices every day that supported my decisions.

So now... I am an actress. That's a pretty crazy thing to say. In 2006, if I had predicted ANYTHING that I might write in that diary, THAT would not have been a prediction.

Anyway... it's irrelevant except it makes me really see how others see me.

A few months ago I attended a workshop where the focus was exactly that... how others see you.

I spent a full four days with people who were strangers in the beginning.. and we knew each other quite well at the end.

Throughout the workshop, we were constantly giving anonymous feedback to one another about the qualities that we saw in them.

Words that were directed toward me were many variations of 'gentle'.

I sometimes struggle in my auditions where I should be coming across as strong or powerful... or bitchy... because my polite, gentle nature is so strong.

It's weird... because that's who I once WAS. It seems like it should be somewhat familar and easy to slide back into... but it isn't. Perhaps because I've worked so hard to squash some of those things.

But... what I came here to say is.... I DID it. I am different. I am not who I once was.

I am not all that I aspire to be... but I know now that I CAN be.... and it's not even that difficult... it's just a matter of making very small choices... day-in and day-out.... then suddenly... you realize... you aren't even making those choices anymore. It's just who you are.

You deserve your life.

Choose it.

Much love,

Peg

Hi peg,

What an inspiring post, thank you for sharing,

Best wishes,

Suzanne x

Like wise lovely post Peg. I remember you from way back.

It is very inspiring to read about how you have changed direction in life. Change is something I find very difficult and consequently I continue to struggle with adddiction but like you say, today is another day... very small positive choices.

Today I will not gamble. Take care... S.A