taking my life back

Nice to read your most recent post....

Have you noticed that noone ever writes 'since I gave up gambling my life has been so much worse'..

I guess that tells its own story.

hmmm

on Jan 11 I posted a very similar statement with regards to my search for HP.

here's something that amazes me tho.

I stopped gambling in july of 2002 and abstained for 20 months...then a series of extremely painful and traumatic events allowed me to believe the lies that 'It wasnt so bad out there' and 'who could blame me?' and 'I wont allow myself to get out of control' and all of those other lies...justifying going back out there. I gambled for 22 months..and during that time...i KNEW how much better my life was when I wasn't gambling..i KNEW how good it could be if i'd stop...i KNEW that meetings helped me the last time i stopped i KNEW a lot of things...yet even with all of that knowledge...i was unable to help myself.

on 10 30 06 i found this site and safe harbor...i have not gambled since...honestly, i was not looking to stop...i was checking this out (at the urging of my doc and therapist) just to prove that i was right..this wouldn't help either...what happened? what happened that day that gave me my freedom to choose again... what gave me the strength to reclaim my power?

i wish i knew what it was...BUT...whatEVER happened..whatever changed in me that day...i am so so grateful for it.

soooo grateful.

and yes..since i gave up gambling my life has been so much better. 🙂

off to live in my world

xoxoxo

i've always said that the death of my mom is what began my cg...and while there *is* some truth in that...the fact of the matter is...i became a cg because i lacked coping skills.

sitting at a machine was hypnotic...in my trance-like state..push the button push the button push the button...there was no coping to be done...my mind was a blank slate...all i could think about was hitting a jackpot..and the fact is...i did not gamble for money...money was only fuel for me...a means to gamble...so winning simply meant that i could continue pressing the button without going to the atm or writing a check or making another cash advance on the credit card...of course...if i *didn't* win...i still gambled...i just did one of those things...and when i did 'hit' it was never really a win...i'd keep on pressing the button til it was all gone...OR sometimes i'd leave with some cash...but that only meant i'd be pressing the button toMORROW without having to go to the atm or writing a check or taking a cash advance on a credit card.

I have to remember... IT WAS THAT BAD.

peg

xoxo

I know what you mean peg... sometimes when I lost all my money the thing that upset me the most was that I wouldn't be able to gamble any more.

They say (whoever 'they' are) that there is a difference between abstinence and recovery, and there is no doubt in my mind that this is true...I used to think that it wasn't possible to 'work recovery' outside of G.A., but of course, that is nonsense.....AND....I see many folks *in* G.A. who attend meetings regularly but aren't really working recovery.

I see those folks in meetings who have years and years of clean time and a part of me thinks...I don't want to have to do meetings for the rest of my life....and perhaps it won't be necessary for me to do so...or is that just my cg way of thinking...the cg part of me that is always trying to get me back out there....

i dunno...maybe i will always attend meetings, maybe not...but i know this...if i focus on NOT gambling all the time..what a sad life that would be for me....I need to know that gambling will always be an issue...it will always call to me and I need to be aware of that..particularly when tragedy strikes, because it will...life happens....but if i am working on me every day...developing into the best person that i can be...living the best life that i can...living the life that i was meant to live...if i am doing those things and if i never forget (not focus on...just not forget) who i was and where i could end up if i do not continue to make the right choices....if i do those things...i can LIVE...i can laugh and cry with my children...i can love and fight with my husband...i can attend family functions...have outings with friends...i will have time for the people that i love and doing things that i enjoy...i will have money for the things that I need and want. I can live a life without depriving myself. I will do these things. 🙂

I dont know if I will always attend meetings or not...but then...if I *DO* have to do this in order to have my life...well, no doubt it is worth it.

love,

peg

xoxo

i once thought that i could not be happy if i could not gamble.

today i know that i can not be happy if i do.

Hooray peg!

One step away from addicts 'magic' thinking.

My friends daughter is anorexic - you can't find a more crazy addiction than that.

She was hours away from death - in organ failure before she started to agree to take food.

You said before that you had poor coping mechanisms. It seems to me that addicts have distorted and self destructive coping mechanisms.

My friends daughter's anorexia was her coping mechanism, but she couldn't see until the very last moment that her coping mechanism was killing her. That's what I call 'magic' thinking.

Perhaps recovery is when those mind patterns, finally drop away and clarity and honesty re appear.

Its good to hear your honesty peg.

Lydia

By the way my friend's daughter is now normal weight, has been to college and has a good job. She is having to suffer the consequences, physically of the damage she has done to her body, though. My friend can breath again, but lived in anguish for a couple of years.

Lydia - so glad that your friends daughter is better.

Addictions are so sad.

*************

I saw my addiction dr. today...

he said that only 5% of addicts work recovery and do not die in addiction.

I plan to be in that 5%.

****************

Tomorrow will be 90 days for me. It has flown by...last time I quit gambling, I counted the days...my date last gambled meant everything to me...I wanted an 'old date'....this time..I don't pay any attention to the # days (til I get close to a milestone)..I just focus on right now.

***************

My son is home sick today. It is nice that I could sit next to him...rub his head...rub his back...bring him meds and something to drink and feel nothing but tenderness...love...there was a time when I would get pissy if one of my kiddo's were sick...them being home meant I couldn't gamble...OR...perhaps I had been gambling for the past few days and this was my day to work...I would really *NEED* to go to work and could not..cuz they were sick...How inconsiderate of them!

Geez...so sick.

I am so grateful to be living my life today.

xoxox

peg

Now peg I have the utmost respect for you. I feel there is a great deal of pussyfooting about on the forum, because we want the people to get well, which is where they've got us over a barrel.

You spoke clearly about the horror of being an addict, You were unable to succour your children in the way they are entitled to expect, because you were an addict. We at the receiving end of that behaviour have suffered often deeply and yet are asked again and again to accomodate those who have treated us so badly.

That's the tough one I'm grappling with.

My father was an alcoholic who killed himself and now my son is a cg. I am not an addict and honesty and truthfulness is all to me. My life has been blighted by these tragedies and part of me is very angry.

I am so glad you can stroke your son's head with tenderness and he will be too. I'm even more heartened that you can have the honesty to share that with us. Thank you peg.

Lydia

oh ((((Lydia))))

I am honest to a fault...always have been...except when I was gambling.

The thing is, Lydia, I am here and present today..I am happy and am living my life...but...I have done this before...will i go back out there and hurt myself again? I hope not...but the fact is, I am an addict..this will never leave me...all that I really know is that I am sane and healthy and happy TODAY. My plan is to stay that way...but my focus is on today... I too, have hurt my family repeatedly.

You have every right to be angry (((Lydia))) every right. I know that you're hurting, and I'm so so sorry, but the fact is...your father and your son were/are ill...not bad...what we do...i know that this is debatable, but in my opinion, what is wrong with us...it is not a behavior problem...I mean...our addictions CAUSE us to act badly (and hurt our loved ones) but the problem really is something that isn't ok in our heads.

I'm not asking you to forgive, or even not to be angry...but maybe..maybe if you could just know that none of this is directed at YOU...your dad...suicide....I am so so sorry...it is not uncommon in addicts....we are ASHAMED...LOOK WHAT WE DO TO THE PEOPLE THAT LOVE US!!! WE HURT YOU!!! WE DON"T WANT TO!!! WE CANNOT STOP!!

(((Lydia))) I know that it still hurts...but...the fact that they hurt you...doesn't mean that they don't love you...sometimes it truly is beyond our control.

Well, I am so so so grateful that I was able to step out of the cycle...to see clearly again...to glimpse hope and to find people who could help me...

I am so so thankful to have had this day.

Love to you (((Lydia)))

Thanks peg,

Having gone through that with my adored father, to find my son is in the grip of addiction too is almost unbearable at times.

Sometimes I just want to walk away and say "Its your life - get on with it and let me enjoy mine in peace" but I won't of course.

Hearing your story and others helps me to believe there is hope. Right now is not his time but its getting closer.

I think I know they didn't mean to hurt me even when they were so harsh. But I feel kind of 'marked' and responsible - as if I passed something on to my son.

I don't know, gambling never occured to me - drugs, yes or alcohol, but not gambling. Neither his father or I ever went in a bookies in our lives and casinos always struck me as the most depressing places ever. I was brought up by the seaside and always knew the machines swallowed your money and gamblers never won. I don't even do the lottery! It seemed so remote that I didn't even warn him about the dangers of gambling. I reckon he's been at it for 10 years now and I didn't even notice! I kind of knew something was wrong but couldn't put my finger on it. How we're going to help him out of this mess I really don't know.

Please don't feel I'm critical of you. I think you are incredibly brave to share your weaknesses so honestly.

Just because you 'fell off the wagon' before doesn't mean you will again. You seem to have learned from that experience not to be overconfident. I will be willing you on, along with everyone else on here.

Thank you for helping me to understand.

For you - ((((peg))))

Love Lydia

so much to be thankful for today.

Most importantly, I suppose, the fact that I am alive.

Recently, on this board and on other cg sites...many are speaking of suicide attempts in the past or are presently feeling that death is the only way out.

So so sad.

And to think...that at one point...I felt that way.

I am pretty certain that if it weren't for the fact that I have children...I would have taken my life..I figured...I was so 'screwed up' because I lost my mom...how selfish of me to do that to them? So..I am here 🙂

Scary to think that I ever thought that way..I have always been such a strong, grounded person...anyone who knows me is shocked to learn that i am cg...suicidal?...unbelievable!!

My thoughts were due to money..and shame... How could I have DONE such a thing? I really did not want to face my husband once he found out..and I knew that it was inevitable that he would..

Funny though...I didn't consider that for a long long time...just ignored the fact that the debt was growing -- just didn't think about it.

Didn't think about anything really...except when I could gamble again and...after having gambled...how to clean up the mess (financially).

I wanted to die because of money.

Money!!

There is sooooo much to live for...but when I was in the cycle of gambling...could not see it.

It's kind of cold and dreary out today...but, I have been given yet another day....am off to live in it.

love to all,

there is hope

there is help

i could not do this alone.

xoxoxo

I will call my Grammy today.

My son turns 15 today and received a card from her yesterday...so he will call her anyway 🙂

Why do I do that? Even now that I'm not gambling...if I know I SHOULD have contacted someone, and didn't...it becomes so hard..so I don't..then it's harder..and why don't I do it when I SHOULD?

I have a friend to call today as well. I'll do that too.

Friday afternoon I called my step-dad.

My brother and his family come to my home for dinner *pretty* regularly, on a weekly basis.

Last year...after having not spoken to my step father in quite a while...my son urged me to call him..he missed him..so I did. He was thrilled...was lonely..is getting older and wasn't getting around very well...using a walker, etc. I invited him to our family dinner. He called me the next day to thank me profusely and said 'other than church, I haven't been out of the house in over a year'.

oh my

he became a part of our weekly crew 🙂

well...the first week of January, he treated himself to a cruise. He knew that it'd be his last..he doesn't get around well...its difficult for him to do things like that...we took him to a football game this year..he was very nervous (and excited) about going...said 'I never thought I'd attend another game'. 🙂

anyway...I neglected to call him when he got home from his cruise...and have been busy since the holidays and haven't started the weekly dinners again...keep thinking I should call..feeling like s**t that I haven't...

so Friday...I call.

I say 'Hi! I haven't talked to you since your cruise..how was it?'

'I know.' he says. 'It was terrible.'

Terrible?

long story short...

shortly after boarding the ship he began to feel badly...was sick all night..called the dr. the next morning...dr says it's a virus..stay in bed for 2 days, then come see me.

He stays in bed. The day he is to see the dr, he is taking a shower and realizes his toe is black. He shows it to the dr. when he sees him. Dr. says when the boat reaches the next stop, you must go to the hospital...you cannot continue on the ship.

He does. He is in the hospital in Mexico for 4 days when the dr. says he wants to cut off his foot.

He says 'get me back to the states'.

they do. He comes home and is admitted into the hospital and the dr says that his leg needs to be amputated from the knee down.

He spent several weeks in the hospital and just recently returned home.

He didn't call me..didn't want to 'bother' me with his problems.

He is not a young man...doesn't have the upper body strength to move, say from the bed to a wheelchair...I don't know how he will get around at all. He cannot drive, for sure.

I am sick so could not even go to see him...called my brother..who DID go to see him and is doing some things for him...shopping, etc. and who has agreed to drive him over for our dinners when we start them back up...which I need to do SOON!

Not this week tho 🙁 am just not up to it.

I hate that he went through this alone.

was at an online meeting sunday night at safe harbor..someone shared a story..

the story really isn't that important well...perhaps it is, but it isn't my story to tell 🙂

but he came to a realization that I thought was profound...

this person recently made 90 days...and said..it suddenly occurred to him that he didn't really have '90 DAYS' what he had was DAY ONE....NINETY times.

The fact is...all I really have is today.

Hi Peg,

I read through your diary, lets face it. No secrets on the net.

It was a pleasure, you have a flair

for writing, and giving a real picture of what goes on in your world.

I,m a bit tired and confused over the ga stuff, and don,t think it,s my thing.

I,m a ex catholic and when I handed

it all up to god in a different crisis my life did actually turn to

s**t. Not bitter, just sensible when it comes to self responsibility in these later years.

I think your approach is on the mark, remain open , try alternatives. I f something is working for you keep it as long as it fit. You appear to be fairly social , and why not take time to

meet with other people who share the same goal in person.

I will continue working through my

ga issues on that great post maddie

set in motion. It may take a while.

What i think Peg is gently, gently.

You don,t have to take on one strategy . System are great , but they miss alot -common perceived good or individual good. No system caters to both.

Is your counseller pro the ga system, and does he believe that it is a disease or a behavioural issue. I personally follow the behavioural model for recovery.

Even though most therapists admitt

to weaknesses in ga they still recommend it for the people gathering factor.

You are an adult and can choose your own path, and it appears you

are succeeding to date.

Anyway enjoyed reading your story and hope our paths Cross again soon.

Since you read the aa big book you

may want to ballance that out by

reading " Problem Drinking- the new approach." by Nick Heather and

Ian Robertson. first published 1985

by penguin books.

I just picked the book up in the last 24hrs and it is articulating thoughts on the subject I had for

years better than I ever could. It,s really helping me further identify the right recovery process

for me. It is I think a very individual personal journey.

Anyway have a great day.

From Chris.