taking my life back

🙂 Chris,

I see a therapist weekly who works a 12 step program via Al-Anon (was a 'coincidence'...I picked her blindly out of a list of counsellors that my insurance would cover)...and she recommended a dr. (for my meds) that specializes in addiction...

Both of them think that this is definately NOT a behavioral problem. I used to struggle with that...felt like I am NOT powerless...I CAN make choices (in fact..even said so in meetings 'I CHOSE TO COME TO THIS MEETING RATHER THAN DRIVE TO THE CASINO!)

I'm not sure what I think about that right now...is obviously not relevant at this point in my recovery.

"A very individual personal journey" you said. I could not agree more. Each of us have to find what works for us then figure out a way to stick to it....that is the beauty of sharing our Experience, Strength and Hope with one another.

I realize that you're working through some issues right now...wanted to offer you this...

This is the 2nd time that I have quit gambling...some of the techniques that I used last time don't work for me now...and some of the things that seemed really useless to me then..now, I find value there...SO...as a friend recently told me regarding all of the stuff that we discuss, hear and read regarding cg...'Take what you need and think about the rest.'

not 'leave the rest' but, rather 'think about'

That makes sense to me...if you (or anyone) tells me something that doesn't quite fit for me...rather than disregard it...I ponder it for a bit...perhaps disregard it for myself for NOW..maybe for always...but..remain open minded and keep all options open. I truly believe that this *is* a journey...and in many ways there seems to be 'stages' that we go through..well..if that truly is the case...perhaps when someone shares an idea or a strategy with me that doesn't make sense...maybe I'm just not ready for it 'yet'?

Then again..perhaps that idea just won't ever be one that fits for me...and that's fine too.

I really am enjoying the learning and growing process.

My opinion?

CG's are some of the most interesting and caring people that I've had the pleasure of 'meeting'.

P.s.

thanks for the book suggestion...am kind of bogged down in books right now but will definately pick it up.

peg

xoxox

Hi Peg,

Just wanted you to know I respect your approach to keeping an open

mind, and seeking out a variety of

ideas that match with the self.

I,m very much exploring as this is

my first real interaction with other people on the recovery journey.

I think I have a little resentment

with ga as I hae owned having a problem gambling behaviour for coming close to 20 years, and have been wanting to find an avenue for

sharing with others like me in this

way for as long. I was so happy to

find gamcare, and really liked the

way it is open to all types of recovery methods.

I knew at some point I would have to reveal my strongly held views on ga. My resentment stems from the

fact that I would have loved to have had some peer support as I worked through my issues and it wasn,t available to me because ga was the only option till now. So appart from reading and a few specialist appointments I,ve been on my own with this. I see life as one big learning curve, and down to

who I am have learnt the hard way

not to compromise too much on my

personal values, and thats what going to ga would have cost me.

Gambling for a decade more than I

needed to was a cost i was prepared to forgo to maintain my integrity , and value system that is integral to my identity.

I had my worst, and most destrutive gambling ( my rock bottom) over 10 years ago. Since

then I have gambled more systemately, and mannaged to stay out of too much trouble.

It was still problematic but I was

working on a deeper self esteem issue, and knew instinctively if I

could resolve that, and be on better terms with myself, I could stop gambling. This has been true to date for the last 4 1/2 months.

Not without the help of the forum

and people like yourself to talk to occassionally that don,t ask me

to do the program. Or my understanding that I,m still left to reconstruct my life without gambling.

I am happy to hear from people about this forum involved with ga, as I respect their right to use any support that works for their own very personal recovery.

And I,m not completely closed minded if g.a can show me that my thinking about the issues I have with that group is all wrong. I just can,t buy into it as right for me based on my understanding to date.

I thought it better to express my issues to at least provide opportunity to those that attend ga to understand my resistance and have opportunity to talk it through, or accept the different perspectives.

That why I presented my thoughts in that section of the forum.

Have a great day Peg. I love your

open minded approach to recovery,

and enjoy the way you write.

From Chris

((((chris))))

I'm sure that it must have been frustrating...KNOWING that you had a problem..WANTING to address it and the tool thing that was available to you didn't suit your needs.

Sorry..that really stinks.

On the bright side..sure am glad that Gamcare is here and that you (ummm *WE*) found it.

Am wondering about this though... you said "My resentment stems from the

fact that I would have loved to have had some peer support as I worked through my issues and it wasn,t available to me because ga was the only option till now."

I can certainly understand that need...and am so glad that you have it now...but...you're mad at g.a. that it was the only option??? that hardly seems logical.

Understandable, certanily...I mean...how FRUSTRATING not to have a way to heal...but maybe your anger is misdirected? maybe just anger at the 'situation' you found yourself in.

the COOL thing is, Chris..you don't have to be angry any more. (((hugs))) You have found what you were looking for...your peer support is here 🙂

Truly does stink...having the desire to stop and not having the support to do so....

I am so so so glad you're here Chris. Glad you didn't stop searching.

peg

xoxoxo

Hi Peg,

I resent the walls that go up- with

the my way or the highway- system

dictatorship thing.

And that even when you are desperate everyone follows the system. I don,t like the sheep thing that happens.

"Just follow the steps and it will

do the rest"

I,m a bit like a two year old. "but

why." -just get in the car- "but why."

If you get my drift.

From Chris.

I won't be back until the middle of next week.

It's Mardi Gras and hubby and I will spend the next days in the French Quarter..was thinking this morning...how good it is...not to worry to be away...how will I handle the mail when we get home? what if any payday loans were due while we were gone..all of those secrets...NONE today!!!

what a relief!

Love to all who read here 🙂

There is HOPE.

Sometimes it may not seem like it...but your life is waiting for you.

oxoxox

peg

Hope your not having too much fun Peg 🙂

Kim xx

Thank you Kim.

We had a wonderful time.

It's great to be home 🙂

it seems like such a long time ago that gambling was a part of my life.

i've better things to do with my time and money today 🙂

peg

xoxoxo

Hi Peg,

Just wondering how you are doing....

I saw in another post that you were thinking of calling your Grammy....did you manage to do this? If so, how did it go?

It's great to read your posts and see how well you are doing

(((Susie)))

I called my Grammy today 🙂

she will be 92 yrs old in May and was so happy to hear from me...last time we spoke was in October...as I said before..I tend to go months and months without calling...well...it was good to hear her voice..and I won't wait too long for the next call..don't know how much longer i'll have the honor of speaking with her..although..for 91 yrs..she is a reMARKable woman.

well..thanks to you Susie..and to Rosemary, Lydia and Andrews Mum...for giving me the gift of my Grammy today.

love to you all.

peg

xoxoxo

Hello Peg

Fantastic news, 92 years old! that would have made her day!

I used to work with old people and I know just how much the contact from family means to them. Now you have broken the ice, you won't leave it so long next time.

Best wishes

Rosemary

hi peg

hope you are well, i havent been able to get on safe harbor much recently as I have been so busy trying to set this ga group up. Its a lot of work but it is slowly coming together.

Catch up with you soon.

Jim (last bet 22/04/06)

Hi Peg

Hope you are doing well xx

You made a really fantastic reply on my diary and I just wanted to thank you for that

Just today...just get through today...you can not gamble for ONE DAY (sure you can...you did it YESTERDAY!!!)

4 months today.

I have gone through many stages in the past 4 months...

in the beginning...relief...comfort...finding others like me..relating..discovering hope.

then..elation...I was sooo EXCITED!! Life was WONDERFUL...this Thanksgiving...had the extended family over all day and I cannot remember a time where I have ever felt such peace and joy as I did that day...for no specific reason...in other words...on my WEDDING day or the birth of a child..those are life-changing events...but Thanksgiving...I have done that 42 times 🙂 but it had never been this good.

Then...I had a really bad day...extremely emotional and for no good reason...well..something had set me off, but it didn't deserve all of the emotion that I invested in it.

The next day...I was elated again...I had a few of those really bad days.

I have a few thoughts on that.

First...for a long time...I was on an emotional roller coaster...excitiement (prior to and during beginning of gambling session) then numb (while gambling) then, more often than not...that horrific ride home 🙁

so my body was in an up and down cycle...perhaps it needed to 'cycle down' a bit before levelling off?

and/or

I had been supressing feelings for a very long time..numbing out at a machine...so when I stopped taking my 'drug' and started FEELING again...was like all of my emotions were just under the surface...ready to burst forth...having been ignored for far too long.

perhaps a combination of those things...in any event..thankfully, I have levelled off a bit, emotionally.

I am encountering things that I have little experience with...acceptance, gratitude, peace, joy.

It is only recently that I could identify my feelings. I never thought about them much..feelings...they were good or bad. If they were bad...try to do something to make me feel good.

No longer.

It feels good to feel.

I cry more now...of course..I used to try to dry my tears..think of something happy..do something fun..now..I cry..honestly..most of my tears have been cleansing, happy tears lately...it's a good thing (even though it screws up my make-up) lol

i never thought i would feel this way.

there is hope.

there is help.

you are not alone.

love,

peg

xoxo

am re-reading my post and it occurs to me...that i was on an emotional roller coaster even WHILE I was numbing out at a machine...I was numb from my REAL LIFE..from FEELINGS...but I was still UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN as my credits went UP and DOWN....credits UP...I can gamble more..all is well...credits DOWN...didn't really bother me til my cash for the day was running low...then I'd go into panic mode...if credits didn't go back UP...I'd go get more money...ATM or credit card or check..ahhh...UP again.

did they coin the term

'emotional roller coaster' based on a day in the life of a cg, i wonder?

🙂

Hi Peg,

You are so right, such an emotional roller coaster for all. Isn't it wonderful to be off it!

Congratulations Peg for gaining four months of your life back...'Your new, life'.

You write such good replies to others posts..so four months of sharing experiences too!

Keep strong

Jackie