taking my life back

Hi Peg,

Congratulations on four month and 2

days.

The emotional roller coaster is something I can relate to. Since the highs and lows (extremes of gambling) I welcome all feelings.

Its just great to sit with them instead being compelled to gambling.

It isn,t your job to be happy and easy all the time. Mix it up "i say". Even bordom is a huge welcome in my life.

I,m sulking in my diary space for a while, and even that feels good to me.

Anything that is not the stress cycle of gambling is just pure elation for me.

Anyway all the best Peg.

From Chris

chris...you said:

It isn,t your job to be happy and easy all the time.

I *KNOW* and I'm so HAPPY that it isn't my JOB!!!

I only wish I'd found that out sooner!!! lol

You're right though, Chris, being out of the cycle...elation indeed....no matter how bad things are, I can only make things worse by gambling.

xoxo

Tomorrow is my 16th wedding anniversary. My husband and I are going away for the weekend. I am excited 🙂

I was thinking today...remembering my very first g.a. meeting....

my sis-in-law lived out of town and anytime that she'd come in for a visit, she and i would pull an all-nighter at the casino the night before she left...well this particular time..when we both had run out of money, we took a cash advance on our credit cards...i pretended like i hadn't done it before..she was very nervous about it (and i pretended to be) anyway...we blew that and I STILL didn't want to quit.

she did.

we left.

that afternoon...she had caught her plane, my husband was at work and kids were at school, I attended my very first g.a. meeting.

maybe it was in 1999??

anyway...i cried the entire meeting.

i really didn't want to stop gambling..I wanted gambling to stop hurting me.

I was hoping that when I attended the meeting, they would teach me how to control my gambling...or that I could take a break for a few months....catch up on some bills.

At that time...I had blown all of our savings (A LOT) and owed many thousands of dollars to credit cards.

I knew that I could never be happy again. I had done too much damage. I could not be forgiven..what I had done could not be undone and it was not OK.

No one would understand.

I cried and cried.

There were only a handfull of people in that room and no one else was crying...the woman who was running the meeting had about 6 or 7 months clean, i think, and she seemed so HAPPY.

I shared with them that my husband didn't know and they all encouraged me to tell him.

right. they're friggin out of their minds!!! They don't know MY husband!!! They don't know HOW MUCH MONEY!!!

then..happy lady is telling me that her husband almost left her, but everything was FINE between them now...look (she raises her hand to show me an emerald and diamond ring) she says 'he just gave me this..to show me how much he loves me'.

It was ridiculous.

All of those people were ridiculous.

The ring..good for her...never happen for me...I would never get another ring...another ANYTHING...life was over....if and when he found out.

************

this disease tells us so many lies.

not only does it tell us lies to get us to gamble:

'it wont be so bad'

'i can gamble just a little'

'i wont stay long'

'if i win, i will leave right away'

it tells us so many other lies:

'those cg's...i am not like them'

'no way i can ever be happy if i cannot gamble'

'i am stupid'

'i cannot fix what i have messed up'

so so so many more...

and the biggie..

'i can not be forgiven'

the thing is...

no one can forgive me until i tell them what i've done...and..the most important person that i need to forgive me....is *me*

life is so good today.

i am doing the right thing and am developing a better way of thinking and living.

love to all who read here.

you are not alone.

there is hope.

xoxo

Thanks for the welcome you sent me the other day. Took me a while to work out how to reply. All the best.

thanks peg for you thought most welcome what has happened to carol ann l hope you enjoy your week-end away and keep me posted on your progress love lorraine x

Hi Peg,

Happy Anniversary to you and your husband. 16 years - congratulations.

I wish you both love and companionship for many decades to come.

I think money ( the money lost to gambling) is not the beginning and end of a relationship provided both partners are committed to learning something from it, and moving forward together in a thoughtful positive way.

This has certainly been my experience to date. I can tell from

reading your diary that you have many positive life giving roles, and ways of being with your family.

I think the best gift in life is learning to love and feeling the love sent our way despite our disfunction, and all too human ways.

Have a great weekend Peg.

From Chris.

Hi Peg, thanks for the support on my diary. I hope you had a lovely wedding anniversary.

Beth

thank you all for the congrats and well wishes.

we had a wonderful time.

it truly amazes me that life could have gotten so good again.

amazing that this could have happened.

my going on and on about how good life is...a shame that the entire context isn't here...i wonder what this diary would look like if i had found this site in 2002 when things were at their darkest...honestly..i can remember that it was bad but REALLY? can I REALLY recall? no way.

just like having a baby I suppose...I can remember that it hurt, but I cannot really recall the pain.

glimpses maybe. I can remember moments of despair but not nearly what I know that I endured.

How I wish I had been here then..that I had journalled openly and honestly, so that I might have those words, those thoughts captured..so that I could re-read them...they'd be so foreign to me now..those feelings of despair...and that would be such a wonderful thing...the awareness of the vast difference between the place that I've been and where I am now.

I look at scottinkents journal, and I see the difference in only a few short weeks..and I know that his journey is just beginning.. how nice that as things continue to get better those really rough nights are documented..waiting to be re-read so that they do not have to be re-lived.

well..whatever...I sure am glad I'm here now 🙂

So glad you had a fab time Peg xx

An interesting thought for today :

The high you can get from actually NOT gambling is well worth the effort and pain of quitting

Peg, just wanted to say thankyou for mentioning that safe harbour chat room. A true life saver for me.

you're so welcome.

safe harbor has been a life saver for me as well 🙂

my husband and i dont talk much about my gambling (or about recovery). He doesn't get it. He is SUPPORTIVE, but he doesn't want to hear about it.

I suppose he feels the same way that I do when he tries to explain to me how electricity works..like...I don't really CARE how it works...I just want the LIGHT BULB to turn on when I flip the switch!!!

so, he just wants me to be well 🙂

he never gives me a hard time about attending meetings or spending time online... he doesn't 'get it' but he lets me (even encourages me) to do my thing 🙂

I'm grateful for that.

I never want to have to tell him that I've gambled again (surely he doesn't want me to tell him that either).

last weekend, when we were away, he told me that he has a conference in las vegas coming up..and of course i'd skip THAT one, but he'd like me to join him on future conferences.

I told him I was sorry I couldnt make Vegas, but thanked him for understanding.

We were discussing different aspects of that..my not going to Vegas and he shocked me when he said "I don't have a problem telling anyone about this...I am so proud of you...attending meetings, doing your online stuff...chairing meetings, etc."

Floored me.

Proud?

I guess since we don't discuss it, I wasn't sure he really 'got' how tough it was.

Maybe he 'gets' more than I know.

It was great to be with him... am living my life again.

xoxo

in 2002, before my husband knew any of it, there was no doubt in my mind that when he DID find out, my life, as I knew it, would end.

No way he could love me. No way he would stay (or rather, *allow* me to stay).

The worst thing this man has ever done is run a red light...occasional speeding maybe LOL I'm not kidding...this guy is 'Mr. Do the Right Thing' and he had married 'Ms. Do the Right Thing'.

No way he would understand or tolerate the person I had become.

That wasn't necessarily my disease lying to me...it was a very reasonable thing to believe.

Today...I am living my best life 🙂

I'd like to share a bt of an email that I sent to a friend yesterday...I don't think she'd mind and I keep thinking about the analogy...

the friend wrote about having a difficult day, yet she chose not to gamble :)... I responded:

ya know...in some ways, it's like...when i was married to my first husband..one day i came home from work and he had mopped the kitchen floor and he was all like "look what I did? aren't I great?" and i'm like, 'big effing deal...i mop every day and no one notices!"

my comparison being....you 'mopped' today (ie. didn't gamble) and no one notices cuz they are 'mopping' (not gambling) all of the time...so your mopping isn't such a big deal...but you're proud...cuz it's a big deal FOR YOU!!

isn't it nice that we compulsive gamblers have found one another..so that when we 'mop' we can pat each other on the back for it?

lol

a lady in my home g.a. group was just diagnosed with breast cancer...she had several years clean..she gambled...a few people looked surprised (maybe me?) but on the way home I was thinking...d**n...surprised? the TRUTH is...we should all be surprised EVERY TIME that any of us goes thru s**t and DOESN"T gamble!!! Surprised and EXCITED 🙂

Hi Peg

Thank you for your kind words. I am so happy that you are also reaping the benefits that recovery brings.

What has always stuck me about your posts is the obvious love and admiration you have for your husband. I sense there was a lot of guilt as you felt you had let him down as you adopted the new secret persona of a gambler. That the pair of you can talk about your addiction and have a level of understanding ( if not all the details 🙂 ) must be just about the best 'present' recovery could bring. It must have made your recent anniversary all the sweeter.

Kind regards

Frankie

Peg

I would just like to add to Frankies post to say that i have been struck by the love and admiration you obviously have for the people on this forum...just by what and how you post and the fact that you never miss a newbie. You are indeed a star!

Terri x