taking my life back

((Frankie)) and ((Terri))

Love and admiration for my husband...so true...I always have...I respect him a great deal...best man I have ever known.

The people on this board? I hadn't really thought about it but you're right...and it's not just here...it's throughout my life...I look at people differently now.

It's funny...this media has given me a gift in that regard...I have spent many hours online since 10 30 06...for the first 6 or 8 weeks, i was in safe harbor chat room about 16 hours per day (rarely slept) and I met so many people there, and here at gamcare that I really *care* about...

so one night, I was at my g.a. meeting..and not just there, but throughout my day...I judge people by how they look, what they wear, their jewelry, etc...well, maybe 'judge' isn't the right word...but...well..what I SEE is my biggest source of information about a person....here...i only see words...hear hearts...so that particular night, I am at my meeting, and I close my eyes...just see their words....

Powerful.

I look at everyone in that room differently now..and not just at g.a....at the grocery, the bank, my office. Everyone.

Obviously, I'm not having deep, intimate conversations with all of those people...but now...I look at people with the knowledge that there are deep, intimate conversations within them 🙂

Love to all who read here,

xoxoxo

I have told my story before, in bits and pieces, on different threads on this forum, but I am a believer in 'tell it and tell it and tell it again...until you don't feel the need to tell it anymore' so... feel free to read it, or not 🙂 I just need to say it again...and thanks for the opportunity to do so.

my mom died on May 10,1996. She was 52 yrs old -- she was diagnosed with stomach cancer 7 yrs prior...when she was only 45.

my mom was probably the most awesome human being that I've ever met. She was my best friend and I was devastated.

I program computers for a living and have always been very career oriented...working 50 or even 60 hr weeks at times.

About a year before my mom died, she got very sick...my step dad thgouht that we were getting close to the end...i talked to my husband and my boss about taking a leave of absence. Within a few days she was much better..but then I thought 'why would i take a leave of absense to watch her DIE, yet return to work cuz she's still fine? (well, not really FINE..her entire 7 yrs after surgery was a b*&*&tch)

so i took the leave of absence and spent a lot of time with her.

she and i took a trip to vegas 🙂 I had a gambling problem way back then, but i only gambled when i was in vegas....i didn't do anything locally.

BUT...that trip, when I was with my mom

wow

i just realized something

for the past four/five years (since i started working the program) I've blamed the beginning of my cg on the death of my mom...but it's NOT TRUE

that trip...one night, she said that she wasn't feeling well and was going to go up to the room. I offered to go with her but she said no.

I stayed downstairs and played until the wee hours of the morning.

next day she was feeling a little better.

later...months and months later, she told me that she went up to the room and cried and cried, she thought that she was having a heart attack...she hurt sooooo bad.

i can't believe i wasn't with her.

whew...so it was before that...

i'm gonna have to do some thinking about that.

anyway...before she died, my boss contacted me and asked me to do some work on a contract basis...i could work from home, sweet deal.

i still haven't returned to work full time (probably never will).

after my mom died, though...that's when i started getting into trouble...i had lots of free time...i'd go to the casino all day long (later, I'd just go up the street to play video poker....there are about a dozen places to play this within a two mile radius of my home...so much easier than going to the casino)...I still went to the casino a lot.

one year, i had over 14 w-2 forms -- i got two w-2's in one day.

My husband (everyone) knew that i gambled often (I HAD to admit it on the days I got a w-2 form) we did TOGETHER from time to time...everybody thought that I was soooo lucky (cuz i never told them about the $ I was losing - they only heard about the winnings).

i wouldn't go to the casino with less than 7 or 800$. (so hard to believe now). while there, I would take cash advances on credit cards -- sometimes i'd take only $500, then have to go right back for more...i'd rationalize that i should've taken more to begin with (the fee is less for $3000 than for $500 and $2500) so I'd get a bigger chunk.

i left with money often (i left penniless a lot also)...BUT I never put $ back in the bank...I wouldn't use 'my' cash for anything other than gambling....

anyway...a few years ago, on April 15th, my husband calls me to tell me how much I need to write a check for to Uncle Sam.

anyway...the check was, i don't know...alot...doesn't really matter, the fact is it was more than i could cover.

our savings was gone, including the money that had been set aside for taxes...our credit cards were maxed...I had been juggling funds for years, robbing peter to pay paul, but it was over now...all avenues were exhausted..

we had over $100k in credit card debt and I had blown all of our savings - i was s******g.

i told him (over the phone) that we didn't have the money. He says he'll call me back

He calls me back and says that we had put money aside for taxes-- we must've sent estimated payments to irs. then...

i say no.

he is confused...can't figure out where the money is. i tell him to come home.

he says 'how much is the house note? how much is this? how much is that?' I say 'come home and we'll talk about it'.

I type him a letter (I couldn't speak the words...no way I could speak the words) and I bring the boys to a friends house (I didn't know what would happen in our home and i didn't want them to be there).

he was devastated. i have always been perfect. this blew him away. i began going to ga meetings, but still dabbled whenever I could...after all, they told me that I had a disease and I was powerless over gambling...so I had a new excuse..another way to rationalize it ) but then, one night, he was out of town, we were talking on the phone and we were discussing bills, finances, etc. and i say "can you ever forgive me for this?" he says "just fix it, peg. just fix it and i will FORGET about it." I say "can you forget about it while we're still in debt?" he says "fix it and i'll forget about it". I didn't gamble again for nearly two years.

**** wavy picture here, showing that time has passed**** 🙂

my father in law had been diagnosed with cancer.

my inlaws live next door to me. they are wonderful people. better inlaws do not exist.

anyway

in 2002 I had my tubes tied. I was approaching 40 and a smoker...taking the pill wasn't going to be an option much longer..plus I knew a few women who'd had it done and raved over it..we agonized...are we SURE we're done having children? we were done.

in 2004..about one month before my 40th birthday I am having strange symptoms. I know that I can't be pregnant, but I take the test, just to ease my mind.

it is positive.

i freak out.

i am devastated. in ten yrs, both of my boys will be out of the house (college hopefully) NOW, in ten years, I will be doing 2nd grade homework.

It took a while, but I came around...i got excited. My youngest son was SOOOOO excited that he was going to be a big brother...we began talking about names, nursery themes, etc.

on the morning that we went for the amnio, my husband and i walk into the exam room... i say "we're here to meet our baby" we had just decided to name the baby after his dad, if it was a boy.

the girl hooks me up and i see the baby. he isn't moving. i ask why he isn't moving, she says ' sometimes they're in a sleep-state'. i know that something is wrong. he should be kicking, swimming, something.

the girls acts as if nothing is wrong, she leaves to get the dr.

he walks in and i start rattling on about how I'm worried about spina bifida because i was taking a lot of vitamin a when i got pregnant, and this and that, and he takes my hand and tells me it's not my fault, but my baby is dead.

I took meds to induce labor. My husband and I went home until the labor pains got bad. I was in labor for over 36 hours, then delivered my dead baby boy.

he was very very tiny, but was all there...a perfect little boy. I have his feetprints..they are so tiny. it was so sad. I held him and was able to say goodbye.

why would god give me this baby that i don't want

then make me want it

then take it away?

but

as soon as i was back on my feet, i had to start helping out next door...my father in law wasn't doing so well.

we'd hired sitters, but he really liked me to be there at night 🙂 I enjoyed it too. He was afraid...I think that he was scared that he would die with a stranger there and no one else...one night, he wanted my mother in law and the sitter wouldn't wake her up (my m-i-law was worn out, sitter was trying to be kind)...anyway...with me there, no problems.

so for months, i slept, nearly every night, in a recliner right next to his hospital bed in the living room. I'd come home during the day to take care of the house, my husband and the boys, meals, etc.

anyway...

one morning...before my father in law died, i brought my oldest son to school and I stopped at a burger joint (video poker) and played.

I hadn't gambled in 20 months..but it was still there..the gambler...like a pilot light...just waiting...quietly burning...waiting for the opportunity to justify that it was 'ok'.

I was back in the cycle.

enough for now.

xo

Just wanted to say: Read your post and my mind is spinning. Take care. James

Hey Peg,

you wrote in chocolates post..

"Well, peg is definitely a duck!"

and you sooo help others to 'float'.

Have a good day

Jackie x

thank you ((James)) and ((Jackie)).

There was a time when I was unable to help myself and I'm so thankful that others reached out to me.

In so many ways, reaching out to others now is a part of my own healing....giving back.

Love to all who read here.

xoxoxo

Peg

That is so sad, I am filling up, thinking about what you have been through. As you say, if it makes you feel better to write it down again and again, then do so.

God bless.

Rosemary

It is simply a case of DNA? So many times I wanted to give up, the column on the left against the column on the right tells me life would be so much easier. It frustrates me that I have a gambling problem and most don't. I agree with you, you end up gambling so you can keep gambling. You know how sick is that. Having played alongside countless gambling addicts it seems to me that people with no problems of any note can become addicted. There are those who say it's underlying problems that cause gambling addiction. I'm certain they make their contribution but does everyone who has underlying problems become addicts? Being upset about something definitely doesn't help and I believe being a competitive person doesn't help either. Now using my competitive instincts to help me overcome my addiction. This forum has made a tremendous difference to me. It's like I want to help others overcome their addiction and to do this I must overcome mine. The hardest times for me are when I'm sad, kinda of think what's money compared to this and that. Know if I'm to stay in control can't be thinking like that. Peg, I can see where you are coming from in many respects. Read something from the dairy of Winner that struck a chord with me, something along the lines “it's time for me to move on” it's something I aspire to. Take it easy.

thanks ((Rosemary)) and ((TTNY))

I've been thinking about how it all got started for me...

I am pretty sure that I always gambled compulsively WHEN I gambled...but I rarely gambled...a trip to Vegas every few years...Before I'd go I *knew* I was going to blow a few grand, but that's the case on ANY vacation I rationalized...but the trips were rare so it wasn't really a problem in my life...

Gambling came to New Orleans and I didn't even CONSIDER it for years...video poker was in many bars and restaurants but I didn't do it...I saved up all of my gambling for the occasional Vegas Vacation.

Those 'binges' didn't have anything to do with emotional pain or escaping...it was simply compulsive behavior.

Then, from time to time I'd go to a local casino with family or friends and I'd gamble compulsively while I was there, but then when I left, I'd walk away and not look back...no urges to return...I didn't do anything I couldn't afford to do, so it was no big deal.

But after Mom died, I had time on my hands...all of my friends work...going out to lunch, movies..those are SOCIAL things...I have never been social when i gambled....I have always gambled alone...

so

it was something i could do by myself and i had a lot of free time..so I began going more and more...and of course I gambled compulsively, because THAT is how I gambled...always... and I suppose that's all I thought it was about for a long time... but after mom died...no doubt, the emotional pain played a role as well...

so i gambled because

i had the time

i could do it alone

it made me numb

i got to the point where i wanted to LIVE in that numb state...so I gambled every second that i could...then...during periods where I was NOT gambling (those 20 months) the desire to gamble (to numb) only arose when I was experiencing negative feelings. I had trained myself not to feel.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...problems or feelings had nothing to do with me becoming a cg but my cg wasn't a problem back then....once I had a REASON to numb and combined that with a gambling BINGE...I was a goner.

But that's just me 🙂

So we gamble so we can create a problem that will take our mind of other things?

not exactly 🙂

*I* gambled, eventually, to avoid emotional pain.

Hi Peg,

I've just been reading through your diary from the start....earlier in your recovery you said:

"I originally named this journal 'taking my life back' because that is what i wanted to do...but now...what i am doing is so much more than than...i am gaining something that i have never had..even before I gambled.."

I think that's such a great way of looking at it. I know I find myself thinking 'if only I could go back to the person I was before I became a cg'. But the truth is that person eventually became a cg, so why the hell would I want to go back to being that person. Maybe it's all about becoming a better person BECAUSE of our experiences of being a cg. Better in terms of helping others, and better in terms of being happier people.

Also, from reading all the posts on here, I can see that you give hope to so many others - someone commented that you always manage to say the right thing at the right time. Just something that occurred to me - about ten years ago someone told me that I was someone who radiated a lot of positive energy and that people would be drawn to me because of how that made them feel. It was a wonderful compliment! But he also said that people would assume that source of energy was endless and that I should take care to not give it all away. I think what i'm saying is please please make sure you look after you as well!

((Susie))

(((Susie)))

You said: Maybe it's all about becoming a better person BECAUSE of our experiences of being a cg.

My thoughts exactly. I know that I am a better wife, mother, *person* than I ever would have been had I not become a cg...so in some ways I am thankful that this has happened to me...it has been painful, for sure, but then...I am pretty sure that any powerful or particularly fruitful periods of growth that I have experienced in my life have come from pain. This particular 'growth spurt' has helped me to find my spirit...who i really am...

I will try, in the future, to view whatever pain I must endure, in a new light.

Then you said: I think what i'm saying is please please make sure you look after you as well!

I know *exACTly* what you mean. In the past, I have tried to 'fix' people...THAT was exhausting.

I am learning now that the only person, place or thing that I have control over is peg. That is very freeing knowledge.

Today, my goal is not to fix anyone...the fact is, it really doesn't affect me at all whether or not you choose to gamble...it would be a SAD thing, for you..and my hope for you is that you find happiness...so if it makes you happy not to gamble, I hope that you don't for YOUR sake.

I do, however, remember the helplessness and despair that I once felt...so I feel called to reach out...to lift others...to offer hope..but honestly, the fact that I'm not really trying to *ACCOMPLISH* anything is making all of the difference.

thanks you for caring Susie 🙂

P.s. if you catch me falling back into my old patterns, feel free to call me on it!

love you!

peg

xoxoxo

For couple of reasons I deliberately avoided you when I first found this site. This is not one of them: Can relate to your cg but as to the rest of your life, well, not exactly 🙂

Be interested to know if ever thought of training for and running a marathon?

a marathon. hmmmm

i live in new orleans so the heat and humidity here is EXCRUTIATING...so any exercise/sports that i have participated in are typically indoors (air conditioning). 🙂

i am wondering what would make you ask that?

Hi Peg

After you have given me some positive support, i felt it was time to come over to the diaries board, and have found yours and read through a bit.

WOW is what i can say, you have been on one heck of a journey. To me you seem alot stronger because of that. You have the determination to make it Peg, and you are a true inspiration.

Thank you for the support, i hope i can give some back to you.

Take care

Tracey