I recently posted on the new members part of the forum about my situation and what I have got myself into.
Having read other people's diaries it seems to me a great thing to do to empty your head of all the feelings you have.
I'm now on my 2nd day gambling free without issue and feel better for it as I always have in the past. However the situation I find myself in of having gambled away some of someone else's winnings is still there and won't go away. I know that I have to tell them but the thought of that conversation is terrifying me. How will they react, what will they do, will they give me a chance to fix it. If it was me I would give them a chance but I cannot blame them if they wanted to ruin me. It's this thought that keeps lodging. I think I have a plan in place to get the money back to them but will they accept it.
I have done something I thought I'd never do and am truly ashamed for that I guess that's what this does to you makes you somebody you are not.
Tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will find the courage to not only not gamble but also face this conversation.
Hi Fated, welcome to the diary section 🙂
Good to see you here...Recovery is difficult in itself but with your current job & limitations as to what blocks you can put in place, it's gonna take a complete disassociation between the two! I am not a purist (still do the lottery) so for what it's worth I think you can make this work but I maintain that you need to get those betting accounts shut down!
Congratulations on your work so far & hopefully going back to your therapist will help you immensely! You must dig deep & find the courage to tell that person what a huge mistake you have made (& how quickly you will pay them back) though! If you 'get away' with this mistake without fessing up, addiction will laugh it's head off & always have that power over you!
Be strong - ODAAT
So Day 3 and as always I have no interest in gambling it's funny when you come out of the haze how you think how on earth did that happen.
I started meditating today hoping it will rid me of the panic and fear I have for when I have to tell this person about the money. It did help but again the panicked thoughts start and I'm left just sitting feeling sick. I know everyone has this thought but I swear it would be easier to just disappear and start a new life leave a note explaining. I know it's the cowards way out and it's only the thoughts of how my loved ones would be affected that stops me.
A time machine would be very handy right now.
Fated
i gambled using my partners money and today i came to terms with that .i confessed im not proud but relieved its done.Sometimes admitting can be the start of healing well thats what i believe and how im going to carry out my journey , im getting life back to the time when i wasnt scared of my bank balance or how i will get the money back.taking my money out my bank and givin it to my mother to save is the best way for me and ive put my cards in her house so i cant use them for online activity x good luck
Thanks for the words the sooner I do it the better but at the moment I just don't think I have the strength or courage to do it.
Today has been a horrid day just sitting torturing myself over this terrible dilemma. Constantly hearing temptation to bet on the horses "if I can just get one win and get up maybe I can go on a run and solve this situation or make it less dire" but I resisted using my meditation and going for a walk and ultimately accepting even when I'm telling myself if I can just get away with it I'll never gamble again but I know that's not likely to be true although I like to believe it.
Went for some food tonight with some friends which was nice but I wasn't really there just sitting and thinking I wish I could just blurt it all out what an idiot I am and how I've ruined my life.
I didn't gamble but a dark dark day.
That sounds like a bit of realisation to me which is great...In fact I think I have those exact words in my diary it was a 'dark dark day' that catapulted me into this chapter of my life!
We cannot win because we cannot stop! You have a chance to salvage your life but now is the time to do it, whilst you are reeling from your actions, the further away you get from this episode, the more strength the addiction will muster!
It will hurt but you can do this - ODAAT
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