The end

Hi Tangled web. So sorry you've had a lapse. Do not let this derail you completely. Get right back on the waggon again, and this time, as others have said, put strong barriers in place to make it as hard as possible for you to gamble. Self exclude yourself, hand your finances to someone else, do what you have to do to make sure you dont have money to gamble with, you don't have time to gamble, and that you're not in locations where you can gamble. Think about getting to the bottom of the addiction itself - maybe see a counsellor or join a Gamblers Anonymous meeting. If you call us on the helpline on 0808 8020 133 we can talk through all of these options and more. If you prefer chatting online, there's the Netline - the link's at the top of this page.

And keep posting and reading the posts on here. Your fellow forum members have sound advice and insights to offer you.

Wishing you all the best with your recovery,

Forum Admin.

Thank you for your replies

It is my second day gamble free. I know it is up to me to do something about this. I am the only one who did this. I am responsible for my actions. Just suffering from those actions and will be for a long time yet.

All i can do is not gamble today right. Im hoping that i report in to be gamble free from here on in.

Tangled

Hey tangled,

You can do this, if you really want to, 100% commitment to your recovery journey, and taking just one day at a time with everything, and now being kind to yourself, you will get there.

Small steps forwards means small but real wins forwards xxx

Suzanne xx

I am 100% committed.. i cant live this way anymore. I need change or i wont survive

Tangled

Good for you buddy , one minute , one hour or one day at a time ! Whatever's easiest to do mate , Make yourself proud !! Best wishes Alan

Hello again

I am feeling pretty bad about things. I am really just having trouble letting go of the money i lost it was so much. I dont know how i will ever make it back. It is the guilt and the shame of all of this. I wake in the night going over and over it in my mind, how did it happen? again! For years i have fought this addiction, for years i have not managed to stay gamble free. only for periods. I dont know if i will ever make it. I think if i was going to I would have by now and how come i havent been able to stop. I feel like a failure at this. Im only four days in and im just gutted.

All i can do is contine. To keep trying, to keep hoping that maybe this time i will stop for good. I hope so but after all the years of trying and not making it. I dont know. Just feeling down tonight. Just feeling lost. Bewildered as to how this addiction has consumed so many years of my life. I am regretting it so much. Sorry if this is not appropriate to talk like this i dont know but i am just saying how i really feel right now. This is like my diary so i am just recording my feelings and thoughts.

I cant write that i am positive if i am not.

Tangled

If you don't let go of what you lost, you will throw more away chasing it! Gambling costs us (in more ways than one) it is not a way to make easy money unless you are the Fat Cat that owns the establishments! This is absolutely the right way to be talking on this forum, from the heart with all the pain & hurt that you are feeling right now...Putting it down in words so that you can read them next time you think gambling is a solution. It isn't, it's what bought us here.

You have dragged me back to the first 3 days of my recovery, unable to move out of my bed, terrified of living a life without gambling, I am not that person anymore!

Take every bit of help you can get, put barriers up to break your gambling triangle & most importantly, never give up giving up! You can beat this - ODAAT

HI Tangled ! . As ODAAT said ,putting everything down in your diary , the way you feel right now , is definately the right thing to do !, And I might add the best place you could wish to do it !. Your free to express every feeling , every thought ,every mood , be it good, bad or indifferent and your among friends who care about you and understand exactly the way you feel . Losing a lot of money through years of gambling is not easy to deal with, all of us on here have lost substantial amounts , admittedly some more than others but none the less its still just as bad to deal with. I don't know if I'm qualified enough to say this but in the month or so I've been gamble free and through reading peoples diarys , just like yourself and there struggle to give up , the one thing I feel has the biggest influence on staying gamble free , is the ability to finally let go of the loss. All the time we carry this weight of what we've lost around with us , It's literally crushing us with it's burden , not allowing us to lose the weight that will let us walk on through life , to the path we wish to take . As I said in one of my diary post's " I feel i can give up this time because iv'e accepted the losses and I'm no longer going to chase them " and that for me is my mantra !. You said in your post that you don't know how you will make the money back ? The same way as we will all make the money back eventually , slowly , by hard work ,and determination that it will never again be through gambling with our money , with our lives and at the expense of those we love . Tangle your not alone in feeling like sh+t.! We all have the sleepless nights , the feelings of despair and of not being worthy to walk on gods earth , for what we have done to ourselves and those around us . I sometimes wonder how I got to the point, where I hated the person I'd become , it all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye really . But you see ! I said "the person I'd become " not the person I am now . I've changed my CG buddy and so can you , be positive my friend. 4 days is the begining of the new you , the new life you crave, your old shi++y gambling past is dead , Bury it deep Tangle coz its stinking up the place . Take care for now Buddy , your CG brother Alan

HiTangled,

Hope you are feeling more positive this morning, these negative thoughts don't last long.

The great thing about our diaries is that we can write down all our feelings whether positive, or negative (if we want to ) and not be judged on here:)

5 days today, well done, stay strong and just take one day at a time, everyday you are gamble free you will get stronger.

Take care of you now,

Suzanne xxx

Thankyou for your comments on my diary. I am now a week gamble free. I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and just take the advice and leave that loss in the past and try not to worry about it anymore. That was the plan but its still gnawing at me a bit. Through the day i notice the amount of this binge roll around my head in situations where i think "ugh, you are so stupid" situations where i could use that money and now ive made it all really hard for myself....

Ive been very good at hiding this addiction. Ive been extroardinarily good at the effort i put into my gambling.. I had energy when i was tired, sick, whatever mood.. no matter what i had the motivation to gamble. If i could put that motivation into something else well that would be something. Im feeling a little lost, a bit teary, and like my feelings are coming out a bit. Today i was close to tears for no reason, nothing set me off was simply walking past a coffee shop, looking at the people sitting there.. looking at my surroundings and i felt this lump in my throat and sting... i just felt an incredible wave of sadness.

I have to just wave goodbye to the past... embrace what today is. Try my best to get through this day. I feel guilty and think ihavent done enough ive been lazy, im unmotivated, im sad and bla bla. Trying to change it, trying to find a better mind set but i think ive improved slightly from last week. Well ive stopped gambling from last week, thank god.

I never thought i could stop this time. So, the plan i guess then is to make it through the day. I think it might take some time to find myself again.. im lost

Tangled

Hi Tangled ,Reading your comments on your diary , I think that's the problem when we gamble , we lose a sense of whats normal , of everyday situations , as you said just people sitting in a coffee shop !. I found that for the first few weeks I was all over the place and very emotional for no apparent reason , so your not alone buddy , I think the feelings come out as we do say goodbye to a part of our lives that to be honest, if we could control, most of us would continue to do ?. But as I am a CG, I can't control it and have had to let go !. I'll be at day 40 tommorow and can honestly say , " It has got easier and the emotional mood swings have subsided ". So stick at it Buddy and embrace the new life you now have !!!. All the best for now . Alan who will not gamble today !!

Thank you GT and Alan for your comments. I have chosen to be one of those people in the coffee shop. Today instead of walking past i stopped in, had a coffee, took my time. Tried to relax and appreciate that i made the right choice today. Then i sat and watched others walk past me. Today i can change, yesterday i cant, i was having a wrestle with myself earlier, how could i try one more time to just get some and get out. Wow, glad i somehow kept walking to coffee instead what a relief! Its up to me to change my life...

Yes GT i guess that is a positive way of looking at it.. i am trying to get more postive as i have been so negative to the extreme lately and i have been so down that i think this might be the small beginning of my climb up. Do you think its beneficial to count days. To me i would rather just not go back, i am not so worried about how long it has been just that i stay in recovery. Its hard to see my way out at this stage but i think ive heard of people saying fake it till you make it and i might try that. I am also going back to GA meetings i have not been in some time, i stopped going. Thinking i was ok there for a while. It is probably what lead to my last relapse. I need to use all the support i have available. I dont want gambling in mylife ever again. I am trying to brainwash myself into thinking it was in the past and is staying in the past.

Hi Tangled , When it comes to counting days , its whatever you need to do buddy ! , I.m on day 40 now , Some days I come on the forum and have a look around at whats happening , occasionally I comment or do a diary page for myself and sometimes I look at that number that keeps getting bigger in front of me and smile to myself . On other occasions I keep myself so busy that I dont think about betting or come on the forum at all !. But I do know that its there if I need it , for reassurance or just to chat with friends like you Tangle !. Youre doing great bye the way buddy , so whatever it is thats working for you this time ? keep at it . One slight disagreement with GT, Oh yeah ! like we really need more coffee shops on the high street !!! Ha ! Ha!. All the best Tangle .. Alan

Hi I'm kris, 25. Finally plucked up the courage to look for help with gambling. Ive tried in the past to beat it and failed. I'm on the verge of losing my girlfriend because I hide my gambling and I've also had to come clean about my debt that I've racked up gambling. Monday will be the fresh start to hopefully a new start.