The end

Hi Kris im just new here too.. you can start a journal and record your progress along the way.

I am just struggling today with myself.. i feel anger, sadness, rage even.. inside. Deep depression.. just seems all these feelings have come to the surface and i am here eating my feelings, i seem to have turned to food..

I guess i am finding things that help and it seems to help when i eat i am not sure why, comfort maybe.. i am thinking of things i can do trying to make a list.. movies, friends, coffee, reading, exercise. All things that are part of normal life that seem so far from it now. It is strange to look at normal life adn think thats all i want, a normal life. What people would find boring i guess i crave. I want to be free from this obsession, i want to live

Tangled

Hi Tangled , just saw your post . I think we all take comfort in anyway we can , be it food or in another form ? . I too have had a c**P day , with feelings of wanting to gamble again just because my routine had been turned upside down , nothing bad but I just seemed to go into panic mode , that I wanted to rush off and hide in the bookies like I used to !!. Really , Really stupid but it happened ! . My comfort was taken bye coming on here and chipping in on the new members forum ! . I guess its whatever works buddy . And as long as we dont return to our old ways , what the hell ?. Enjoy your sandwich , crisps or choccy biccky's ? as long as it gets you through my friend !. Here's to freedom from obsession and to the life we want to live ! All the best Tangled your doing fine !! Alan

I woke up tonight in a panic, the recall of the relapse, the money, the pain, the anxiety, all rolling through my head. I just felt Im never going to understand how i did that much damage so quickly. A month of gambling now years to pay back. That was my relapse. It was the worst ive ever experienced. It was just so out of control I couldnt even think or see what i was doing till it was done. I was completely irrational on every level and just insane.

I think somehow in the night everything gets magnified and seems more intense and i just couldnt shake it and really just felt doomed. The days are slowly adding up and the reality is clear, the reality is sinking in now. I feel like it was someone else who did it. I feel like i am watching a movie. I just have trouble thinking about the amount of money. It makes me feel so sick in my stomach. So looks like one step forward two back. I seem to go ok then regress in my thinking.

The positive though is i have stopped. I can now think without the obsession pecking at my brain. It is settling down and I am feeling some relief in not being in the madness. I will regret this forever i am sure but i am trying to let it go. I start to and then an hour later i am going over it again. I guess its my minds way of dealing with it.

All i can do is make today better. Today i wont gamble. Today i will move one more day away from that place that i am leaving behind. I was going to say the place i want to leave behind but no i think i will say the place i have left behind.

I have stopped gambling. The hard part is staying stopped but I can get through this day

Tangled

I completely understand how you are feeling . I have had those panic attacks and restless nights since my relapse 10 days ago. At first I just wanted to try and chase the loss. I now realise that this is stupid and the worst thing to do . I still have urges but am resisting them at present. I have self excluded from online sites . I Come on here frequently and read the posts . I have rang the helpline ( in desperation ) and advised to ask for I-I counselling , which I'm waiting for .

I live in hope .We have to accept the consequences of our actions and not make it worse. It will get better in time . we must learn to stop beating ourselves up and hopefully the pain will ease . However, we need to remember these feelings to stop the relapses.

Take care and take it one day at a time.

Hi Tangled. I'm the same, I lie there at night wide awake and the issue on my mind is always the hole I've put myself in with money and the damage I've done to the people who surround me. I've done 5 days now and I've had the urge but so far I've resisted.

I always thought it was never a problem it was always "it's ok I'll win that money back" and before you know it id trebled the losses and day after day it was the same. Blowing my wage in 3-4 days and making lies up to my girlfriend about why I've no money or anything to show for my missing money.

Thank you for the replies. It is nice to know i am understood. I dont know i will ever understand though. Ever. Im not sure with the knowledge of this addiciton that it makes a difference to me comprehending the damage. I still just have to deal with it. I am angry at myself. Im going through a lot of emotions and feeling very low today. I feel lost and i just feel so bad about myself. I am not gambling. I am going to try to get through each day without it and i keep saying no matter what happens in this day. gambling will make things worse. Gambling has become serious for me. Its not a bit of fun, its not ever going to be small if i start. It never is and it never has been. If i start gambling again, i have to be prepared that the outcome will be not the same, but worse, it always is. So no matter what my head tries to tell me. I have to think that way and think that no matter what crazy thoughts i have about ever going again. They cant be trusted, they lie, they are part of the addiciton.

I am relieved to have stopped. I am just sad about a lot of things. I am thinking of stupid things. People from years ago, feeling hurt from things way back when. It makes no sense. I feel like i might be going mad. I seem to be going over and over things in my mind. It might be from years ago, relationshiips, disappointments, its very strange. Maybe my mind is trying to sort through everything i dont know. Maybe i havent dealt with everything properly. I feel a bit scared.

Tangled

Well. Today i woke up and felt a bit better about things. I thought wow i am gamble free again. It is good to not have the madness. Even though i have been going over and over things in my mind it is still good to not be in the madness there is a massive difference in being in the middle of it and not gambling with regrets. Yes the damage is big, yes it will take a long time to fix. I am realizing there is no use beating myself up. There is no point, i am already damaged enough. I made big mistakes and i am trying to fix them as best i can.

I am just trying to stay in recovery this time. I figure if ive done it for days i can do it again for days. If i did it yesterday i can do it today. The sun still rises and sets no matter what i do and each day is time wasted when gambling, time i wont ever get back. The money wont come back but more can be created, not the same with time. its gone forever and i dont want to waste any more. Time to wake up.

Tangled

Hi Tangled , Great to hear you sounding so positive my friend . Once we realise we cant change what we've done or what we've lost ,it gives us a green light to move ahead . First and formost we need to concentrate on ourselves and on our recovery , then everything else given time will follow .. Little steps my friend , little steps ! Enjoy a gamble free weekend Tangle.

Hi thanks Alan and GT

Yes the past is gone. It has just taken a little while for my head to sort through the shock of it all i think. I like what you say GT about counting your reduction in debt and days up instead. That makes so much more sense. Alan little steps is so true thank you. Thank you both for your support. I am determined to live this recovery. I have been just existing for too long. It is time to start living. It will be slow for me but i can already feel the improvement slightly so i know if i just keep at it things will get better.

I do suffer from depression pretty severely but i have learnt over time what works for me in that area, what makes it improved, what makes it worse. Ive never been without it but there are things that make it less and more if that makes sense. I have tried every medication on the planet. Nothing has worked. The best thing is not gambling and getting exercise and eating healthy. Getting enough sleep and being kind to myself. That is the best i can do for me. The number one has to be recovery. Without it my whole life goes downhill. Gamlbing effects me in every way. In all areas, in all things. Its effects are far reaching. I have been dealing with those consequences. It is time to move forward now. Its time to live in this day. Not yesterday, or tomorrow. Just this day.

Hey, really glad i found this place. It will be a great thing for my journey. Wishing everyone well on theirs too.

Tangled

Been a few days since my last post. It's been a tough weekend for myself. My Girlfriend found out about the debt I am in because of gambling and has left me. My life's been completely turned upside down. I feel I have hit rock bottom. My urges to gamble are going through the roof but I'm trying my hardest to fight them off.

its only the last few days that I've realised how much strain this puts on your life. My work has been affected the last 2 days, my head isn't with it. I feel depressed and defeated.

I know I can beat it but as the old saying goes it's easier said than done. I'm trying new things to keep me occupied. I know I have to stop to even have a chance at winning my Girlfriend back. I don't expect to beat it within days or weeks but I just want the nightmare to end

Hi everyone. I have not been here in a while but I am so pleased to say I have not gambled. I am so happy about this. I have had some urges but I am keeping busy and going to Gamblers Anonymous meetings. I am hopeful that this time, I can stay gamble free. I am hoping, praying, fingers and toes crossed. I hope all here have a safe and happy gamble free christmas. I would like to post here more often. I will do that. Not just say it but try to do the things I say. I am good at procrastination.

So excited to be gamble free.. this time I didnt believe I could stop

Tangled

Well done T , good positive post my friend and great to see you keeping up the good fight ! Life's so different , isn't it ?.

All the best Alan

Hi thanks Alan

I am still in shock that I am not gambling. Life is very different for the better. I have reached out for help. I always thought I could fix it. Of course I cant. If I could I would have done it by now.

Tangled

Great to see you staying strong and soooo positive:))

You have a happy gamble free one too :))

Suzanne xxx

Hi I'm so happy to say I am still gamble free. Thank you for your comments and encouragement.