the end of the road, a new start on the way

Hey ands,

Well done on 25 days....you've done sooo well and I am really proud of you. What a great Pa your boys have! 🙂

Stay strong.....no beating those machines up lol......enjoy a peaceful weekend.

Jas x

I'll echo that , rereading your diary shows what a fabulous Dad you are despite all the other cr** that you have to contend with.

I always think if I ever have another bet I will be writing my wife's name on the slip not some stupid nag/dog/number etc. Should you ever get the urge think about that!! You are doing really well nearly a month now. A good early milestone. I am proud of you.

Ands

Thanks for your post on my diary. Just had a catch up on yours and am glad that you are keeping strong. You are doing really well in the face of much more adversity than I have had to face.

In my case it has been purely financial worries that have piled on the stress and up to now I have hurt noboby except myself. In your case you have had something much worse - the threat of losing your sons who are so dear to you and the prospect of what that would do not just to yourself, but to them also. Losing your job with all this going on was the last thing you needed.

You have done so well to cope with all that and will come through. I feel very grateful that someone in your position spares even a moment to make a post on my diary.

Thanks

David

Hi Ands,

Hope you are having a good weekend, catch up with you in chat soon.

DT

Hi Ands,

Keep going mate, you have come a long way in such a short space of time.

Weldy

Day 28, i will not gamble today and i have not gambled over weekend. Kinda lost it a little and i have had to get it together. Had a hard weekend, still feeling angry with myself but the thought of gambling just makes me feel physically sick still. walked past arcade on saturday and just started crying. Going through periods of sheer hatred towards myself. Instead of f*****g gambling i could have done so much for my sons and its eating away at me.

My first proper milestone is now here the month is complete now for the next milestone, another month and another month and another month then a year then another year and another year and so on. Still missing my job, family and friends. Its kinda of a lonely world, like all of us cg's i so wished i never gambled, stole and lyed.

Thankyou for your posts, take care all. ands

Hi Ands

Big pat on the back for you mate! , 1 month now and that's a great achievement, especially with all the things you have had to deal with over that period. But you did it!

Sorry you are feeling down today but that's something that happens to us all in varying degrees, just keep going one day at a time and consider each day a milestone, and give yourself a pat on the back now and then, you deserve it!

Your first month has been a massive effort for you under very difficult circumstances - let that give you the strength to go on to greater things for you and the lads.

Have you gat any irons in the fire on the job front yet?

Maybe it's for the best that you will hopefully soon be working somewhere else anyway without having to be with people who have no real appreciation of your problem.

Hope you have a better day and feel more upbeat tomorrow.

Ands, you are doing so well and I look forward to seeing some positive benefits for all your efforts come back into your life very soon.

With you all the way in your fight,

David

Hey Ands,

Just wanted to say good luck for Weds if i dont manage to post before then.

Things will never be as hard as they were in the first month. I am too still surprised at the range of emotions, after 5 weeks free. You kinda kid yourself you'll be fine after a fortnight or so dont you?

Im rooting for you as ever.

f x

Hi ands,

You are doing so well.....I loved what u said in chat about your boys' picture for you. Hold on to that, it will keep you going.

Jas x

Day 28, feeling very restless, cant relax, want to feel normal. Hate this, feel so f*****g angry with myself, trying to be positive, thought the emotions would start to ease up by now, but they are not. My sons sleeping and look so calm and cosy, my insides feel they been yanked out. If i never gambled they could have had there holiday to florida and disneyland instead they will be lucky if we go anywhere this year or next because of what i have done for so very long. Feel so old and tired, its such a battle my heart telling me im doing alright my brain telling me what a f*****g failure i am, this is the only place i swear and i apoligise for that, oh and in the chat room. Im an emotional mess, i hold it together in front of my boys, but when they asleep or out with their friends i kinda lose the plot. as i said in chat tonight i would love to go on a rampage with a sledge hammer and smash the arcades up i used to go in. Those machines come from hell and should be sent back there..........

I will definitely make sure my sons never ever take the path i took. As the expression goes what comes around goes around and boy that is so very true. I know i sound mad and a looney, im not tho, well i dont think i am. Never will i take things for granted again!!

Hi ands,

You have been through a hell of a lot this past month, and how you are feeling is down to that and the past, most of us on here have guilt about what we have done, i know i do, yes it makes us sad, angry, but there is only one thing we can do now, and thats stay gamble free and rebuild our futures, thats exactly what you are doing. Au though i know it's difficult to see sometimes even seven months on for me, i still have days where I'm confused, Times of regret, i know I'm moving in the right direction and so are you.

Just somthing to think about the holiday mate and this is for you and me, maybe it will be 2 years before you go to Florida maybe 5 maybe 10, but one things for sure if

if we go back to gambling chances are we will never go, and the time you are spending with the boys now, like me and my Lil girl, is what we should be doing this time last year i wouldn't have been taking my Lil one swimming Friday, i would have been chucking a few hundred into a bandit.

you are getting through this, and doing a good job, keep going mate it will get better.

green x

Ands,

I genuinely feel your pain at the moment, it must be so hard for you. The great thing about it all is that somehow you are remaining strong, that can only mean that when things do get better, as they undoubtedly will, you know you have coped with just about anything.

Using your boys as your inspiration has been brilliant for you. It amazes me how much one man can love his two sons, they are lucky to have such an amazing father.

I admire your strength in these very testing times.

Well done on your continued recovery.

DT

Day 29, i will not gamble today, boys out for the day with friends have gone to greenwich. Feel so fed up and depressed, have my appointment next week for counselling, have social services tomorrow coming round. Not to worried because i have not gambled, so i know my sons will not be taken of me and put into care.

Not alot more to say, apart from thanks for all the caring posts, they do help and very much appreciated.

Take care all, ands.

Ands,

Thinking of you today and hope everything goes OK with your visit.

DT

Day 30, i will not gamble today.

Today is the day my sons and my life will be different forever. Social services have been and gone and they have now closed their case file on me. They have now decided that they no longer need to check on my sons and me again. The last 30 days have been incredibly hard and i have learnt some very hard and hurtful lessons, i have got thruough the most difficault time of my life and have not turned to gambling at all.

They were actually impressed with me and that kinda shocked me, they checked my house for food, clothes, gas and electric (as i have not paid bills i have prepaid meters) again!!!. I had plenty of everything so they were not concerned at all.

As previously stated the school have given me a glowing report, no trips to hospital and no child neglect in anyway.

Gambling has trashed my life in many ways from ruining my marriage which is now over to the destruction of my relationship with my family and my closest friends which can never be repaired, as i have found out this week, i have begged and pleaded for forgiveness.

Since starting my recovery i have gone through hell, have not slept, not eaten, thoughts of suicide, general panic, sheer despairation, bone crunching anger and hurt, i have lost half a stone in weight since christmas, i am now under 8 stone, and the hardest emotions of all depression and lonilness.

These feelings and emotions bought on by being a compulsive gambler, a thief and a compulsive liar over a time period of over 20 years. But i have turned a new chapter in my life which i now dedicate to my beautiful, sensitive, funny, loving little boys, who i adore and cherish with all my heart and yes I DO HAVE A HEART, i would die for my sons they gonna get a gamble free dad, who wont STEAL, LIE or GAMBLE.

I will provide a life for my boys which they deserve free of the pain i have suffered at the hands of gambling.

I now have to try and move on, have my cv with several agencies and hope i hear something soon.

Now i have had a period of not gambling i feel different that sounds weird i know but true.

ITS SO NICE GOING IN ASDAS WITHOUT STEALING, ITS SO NICE OPENING UP FRIDGE AND HAVING FOOD, ITS SO NICE NOT LYING ANYMORE, ITS SO NICE NOT WORRYING ABOUT HOW IM GOING TO GET MONEY TO TRY AND WIN THAT f*****g JACKPOT.........

Gambling does not put food on the table, gambling does not give love to my adorable sons, gambling wont find me a new job, gambling definitely WONT MAKE ME A BETTER PERSON AND A BETTER FATHER FOR MY 2 SONS.............................................

I know i have severe personal issues to sort out, including my problems with relationships, feelings of insecurites, feelings of self hatred, depression and general worthlessness but hopefully with help i can address these problems and move on.

To all those who read the post, i thank you all for your support, not judging me, not criticising me, not taking the P*** out of me and most of all being genuine and caring towards me. I have never been so honest in all my life since starting my diary and stopping gambling. I again thank you all, and when i say this i mean it I COULD NOT HAVE GOT THIS FAR WITHOUT YOUR SUPPORT.......from the heart thanks again. x x x x Andrew, compulsive gambler and thief but NO MORE