the end of the road, a new start on the way

Ahh, you guys and gals are great.

I seem to be learning a lot of lessons in life lately, since stopping gambling my life is starting to improve. Might have lost certain aspects of my life but i had a realy good day with my sons, this would not have happened if i was gambling. Had fun down by the stinky thames followed by some fun in the kitchen. Had a good old food fight, made a mess and had fun, certainly didnt get that kinda of enjoyment in no f*****g arcade. Seeing my sons nearly wetting themselves with laughter was priceless and a very heart warming moment, i have many more too come, which is great and i cant wait.

Had a realy bad night last night felt realy depressed but tonight i dont, i do feel lonely when boys in bed (sad for someone my age i know) but i have no urge to gamble.

I reckon its easy to feel negative, feeling positive is harder because its a completely different mindset for me. So i need to change the way i think, i still feel so very angry and hurt but hopefully that wont last forever.

Funny realy there are parents out there moaning about the school summer holidays but for me they are a godsend. Just wished i had the money to go on holiday, but i havent.

Friday tomorrow and almost another week gamble free and thats just so good, makes me smile. Soon be 5 weeks for me, i never thought i could do this.

Thankyou all for the support this week, i am so grateful, i am sorry tho for my short postings on other diaries, please dont think im being lazy or disrepectful im just not too good at giving advice and support like others on this forum, But my postings are genuine and i do actually care, i also do think about others on here with there struggles and pain/hurt they are suffering. If you find my postings annoying or irritating please tell me and i will stop i am turning into a very soppy guy and very emotional with it.

Take care all and when i say i will be thinking of you, I WILL BE. andrew xx

Day 32, i will not gamble today.

I slept well last night for the first time in a very long time, boys woke me up at 8am, thats so unusual for me. Done the biccies yesterday and today we gonna make pizzas, i do finally think i have started the upward climb, the first step on the ladder is in sight! Have no urge to gamble, still feel angry, hurt and alittle depressed but considering what i have done in the past thats not suprising. I can do this, one day my sons will be proud of me then i will be a very happy man!! Like i said before i dedicate my life to my sons.

Take care all, and my recovery buddy DT has now completed 6 weeks, well done DT, proud of you mate, as for Freda, you too sweety, your greatttt. xx

ps, graham, jas, green, mancity, dd, weldy, charly, you have been an inspiration to me, luv u all. ands xx

Morning Ands,

Crikey, you are even sleeping now, whatever next? Thanks so much for your message of support on my diary, you have always been there for me and I truly appreciate that more than you will EVER know. You are one great fella and it is a privilige to know you and share your recovery.

Thanks so much.

DT

hi, mate

Great to see you feeling more upbeat and things are starting to improve for you and the boys, I'm off swimming again today it's like you say the small things with the kids just make you smile, a food fight, make some cakes, think all they want is there dads and now they have got them....:-)

you really have come a long way in a short time mate, and thats down to you so a massive well done.

Life will continue to have it's ups and downs mate it's the same for everyone, the past and the regret will become more distant in time, and don't forget to try and have a little 'you' time if you get the chance, i started fishing again when it's sunny but even if it's just a walk, a pint in the pub, or a trip to the swimming pool, you deserve to have a treat in life to.

take care mate have a good weekend and stay strong.

green x

Hi Ands

DD here just catching up and reading your diary to see how things are going for you over the last week.

Would like to say that I'm made up about your result with social services on Wednesday - just great that you have now got that out of the way (I did not have any doubt that you would). You can now focus more clearly on all the things that are so important to you.

I feel your anger at yourself for what is now in the past but, hey, that's the same for all of us. Good thing is that we can all share these feelings and get them out into the open with our friends on here.

You are doing just great and will soon see many more benefits from not gambling come into your life - thats for sure.

I'm sorry to hear that your family are not being supportive, but just you keep doing what you are doing. You will by your actions show them that you are a good bloke an an excellent dad to your 2 boys.

As I have said before, I and lots of others on here are rooting for you and look forward to being part of the story of your continued success

Have a great weekend.

David

Yay, great to hear you sounding brighter my friend!

Hope me and DT can keep you laughing in chat 🙂

What an old far* DT is though eh? 'whatever next?' thats something an old lady would say... 😉

Im off to go and take the mick out of him now. He loves it you know!

Keep up the good work, our little prize fighter xx

Hi Ands,

U ok buddy? keep us posted on your progress.

DT

Day 35, i will not gamble today and i did not gamble over weekend.

Thanks for the posts on my diary.

Feeling kinda okish have appointment tomorrow for counselling, very nervous and have been let down by childminder, so taking my sons with me.

Went out saturday into london for the day, almost gambled on the fruit machine at charing x station but i didnt, strange how the urge rear its ugly head. It was that deal or no deal fruit machine one of my old favourites, £35 jackpot but to get it i used to put more like £250. Anyway i resisted and believe me im sooo glad i did. Should have smashed the f****r up instead lol! yep im still angry with myself!

Take care all ands

Hi Ands

Wow, I just checked your diary back to when I last posted. It goes back to the 13th July.

Sorry my friend that I haven't been around much in the past couple of weeks to give you support when you needed it.

Feelings - they are an amazing part of our lives. Only; when we were gambling we generally ignored them ,hid them away in the furthest recesses of our minds, ran away from them with gambling.

Now we stopped, boy oh boy, they are coming thick and fast from all angles.

Anger, frustration, hate, love, care, not caring...the list is endless and so very confusing and depressing.

But, it is ok to feel them, all of them and them some.

One of my G.A. buddies says - feel the feelings and then let it go. ??????? What??????

I used to ask him - AND HOW AM I MEANT TO DO THAT HUH??????

It takes time. Because we have been unable to feel or even recognise these feelings, we must now concsiously acnowledge them one by one. It would be good if our feelings could adhere to that and come to us one by one instead of all at the same time. 🙂

I had 6 counselling sessions when I first stopped. It didn't help me with my gambling addiction at all. What it did help me with were all the underlying issues I have always run away from and have not allowed myself to think about or deal with. Boy, there was stuff I didn't even realise I was carrying around with me. Lots of tears and tantrums at the counsellors.....but..it helped so much. I finally learned to - let go - I learned to see that to be able to live this "normal life" I was craving, I had to get rid of the guilt and a whole lot of other emotions, I learned to recognise them, feel them and then wave them off. I cannot do anything about the stuff that has happened in the past. It cannot be changed. I can only change from now on.

I hope this helps. Lots of Love and Hugs to you from me

God Bless

Charly xx

Hi Ands,

Well done on resisting that deal or no deal bandit! you have come such a long way 🙂

Hope you are ok my friend, you were quiet in chat tonight....but sometimes thats just the way it goes, nothing to do with problems.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I dont mean this to worry you - but be prepared to feel some strong and difficult emotions. It is normal to feel blown away in counselling when you first scratch the surface. Its worth it though.

stay strong,

f x

Ands,

Good luck tomorrow in your counselling. You have nothing to worry about, it is only talking to someone who wants to help. Hope it goes ok for you.

DT

Ands,

U ok buddy? How did the counselling go? Let me know when you feel ready.

Thinking of you.

DT

Day 37, i think, thanks for your posts DT, have popped into your diary mate and posted my friend.

I did not gamble yesterday, went to clapham for my assesment for counselling on tuesday morning. Saw a realy nice genuine, caring counsellor. Feel all over the place, gave my background to my gambling and my life as a whole.

My counselling will start properly in the next few weeks and will last anything from 12 weeks to a year, i am going to be incredibly honest throughout. Its going to be very hard and painful, but i need to do this.

My boys and me are going to be a strong family a family which will be honest, sincere and free from gambling.

I am now ready for the next stage of my recovery, the hardest part is about to begin.

Take care all, ands

Thinking of you. Will be intense emotionally, but so worth it.

Remember after my first assessment couldn't stop crying! Just all came flooding out. can assure you, totally normal to feel all over the place.

Take care,

f x

Just wanted to say hi.