the end of the road, a new start on the way

Ands,

Good luck at work today, no wonder you are emotional, you are going through a hell of a lot on a daily basis. Some of the perceived strength of people on here comes from supporting each other. I really hope today goes OK for you.

You are doing brilliantly and I am sure I am one of many who are hoping only good things for you.

Good Luck

DT

Hi Andrew

Wow, well done my friend. It takes a lot of courage to be honest with those around you, but it is necessary to be able to start your recovery journey.

Like you I was honest with my partner, my family and my bosses. I was given a second chance by all of them and I grabbed it with both hands.

Keep being honest and soon you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror and like what you see. And by being honest with yourself you will change yourself and that is what others will see over time. And then, strangely enough, good things just start to happen. All we need is patience and do things one day at a time.

Maybe you could find a G.A. group near you to go to. I couldn't be without my buddies.

Well Done again.

Love and Hugs from me to you

God Bless

Charly

(I am a female using my brother's nickname in his memory)

Hi Andrew

Read your posts and boy you are doing all the right things. Your honesty is astounding. I salute you for that. Even when we chatted I was impressed with your power to share.

Tears. Now I am a lot older than you and crying is so healing. I learnt that a long time ago. You have a terrific sense of responsibility for your boys. Maybe a great corner stone to build on your recovery.

You will win back trust with others. I am glad your boss is understanding. If you are around at 6pm this Saturday you and anyone reading this is invited to a meeting I facilitate at

http://www.sfcghub.com/cgsf1.html

This time of year maybe only one or two show up but it would be great to come along. We have a share session with what`s ever on our minds. No pressure to share but you may well meet some folk who have a story to tell and will be another support.

Hi ands,

Sorry to her your having a rough day again, Maybe the time off will do you good, you say you don't know how to get through this. The fact is you are,i never thought a site like this could help me so much, my experiences here have been up and down to be honest, at first i really needed the support, then i was fed up of reading about gambling, then i thought i could do this on my own, it's been a journey of discovery, a big one, I'm still on the journey maybe for the rest of my life, But and it's a BIG but, things are getting better as they will for you, life is no bed of roses i have good days bad days but thats life, now I'm not thinking of gambling all the time other issues can to me feel massive, when actually they arn't.

I here where you are coming from the depression the sadness, it's not easy, it will get better. Be proud of what you have done you have admitted your problem and are doing somthing about it, another day has almost passed and you haven't gambled, you as much as anyone else deserve to be happy, you really do.

keep strong, keep busy, and keep going you have made a great start.

green x

Hi Ands,

Keep posting and keep reading, whatever gets you through. This site was a complete lifeline for me in the first few days. My emotions were so strong in he first week that if I left my house I would burst into tears for no reason and have to come back.

These ridiculously strong emotions must be some sort of grief for the person we had become. Now that you have stopped the reality of who you had become is so upsetting it can seem overwhelming.

You are not alone and are doing so well.

Keep going buddy.

DT

Ands, Im really glad that you are seeing your gp. Medication might not be the answer for you, but at least if your GP is aware of your feelings he/she can keep an eye on you.

It concerns me that you say that you hate yourself. If you have had any thoughts about harming yourself, please tell your doctor this. Its more common than you would think, and it wont be the first time your doctor has heard a patient describe something like that.

I used to self-harm years ago, as a way to express my self-hatred. Just the way you talk about yourself, makes me wonder if you are feeling this way too. Ive got the quite sad task of trying to find a wedding dress that will cover the welts on my arm, before I get married next year - i wish id told someone before i disfigured myself.

Oh well, coulda woulda shoulda.... 🙂

I would like to recommend a book to you, by David D Burns called 'Feeling Good, the new mood therapy'. Its only a few quid from amazon or play, and is excellent for helping you deal with difficult emotions and thoughts.

I used to work in mental health and have seen great results for depressed clients with this book. Anyway, just another piece of information that you can take or leave depending on what you feel is right for you.

I had my second counselling session today, and my god this woman is excellent. Im feeling very optimistic about it, and feel very safe with the counsellor. Its been really upsetting, but better out than in!

Hang in there you strong, courageous man. It will get easier with time, I promise.

Sending you a big hug,

f x

Ps - i agree charly leaves awesome messages, he/she(?)'s a star!

Hi ands,

keep it up mate, authough i know things are really tough you are doing so well, i know i keep banging on but you will start to notice things getting better. Be happy with the fact you haven't gambled for the past 9 days it's somthing to be proud of.

just stick with it, keep fighting the urge, and keep busy.

Hope all go's well at the docs.

take care, and keep posting.

green x

Freda you always give me alot to think about and for that i am very grateful. I am going to look for that book, thanks, i am so glad your counselling is going well, i hope it realy helps you and i know it must be very hard and upsetting. your post tonight was very touching and you have no idea how much help you are giving me. You definitely sound like you have been through the mill too, i hope you find the perfect wedding dress, you deserve all the happiness in the world and i hope you and your husband to be have a wonderful and happy life together. I give u another huge thanks for taking the time to read my diary and for those lovely posts! take care freda, i realy do hope you are ok. x x ps sorry to be so soppy.

Green, thanks for you continued support and advice, realy grateful that you take the time to read my diary and for your caring posts. i do hope you are ok. Oh and please carry on banging on. Take care green and thanks again, hope all goes well for you. x x

My day has been kinda weird, when boys at school i found myself wandering round my house and not actualy doing anything. So glad i never gambled, i realy want to change and be a better person as i keep saying. When i first started my diary i realy did not expect to get this amount of help and support.

I was married for nearly ten years, we had our ups and downs, i never was at home tho, would say i was working late but i was in the arcade. I reget that as we did love each other, if i never gambled maybe just maybe my sons might have had a mother as well as me. Sobering thought, my ex wife is now living in cornwall, have not heard from her in about 3 yrs now. My other thought before i hopefully sleep is that my sons have wanted to go to disneyland in florida, with all the money i have gambled we could have gone many times.

I remember my first gamble, was 11 was the old 2p nudge, £2 jackpot, how things have changed. My gambling has gone on for 24 years, have wasted thousands and in thousands of debt.

I am not going to spend the next 24 years gambling........i am going to rid my life of gambling and i am going to be a better person. When i see my boys all snug in bed and those sweet little faces it melts my heart, i hate myself at the moment but i love my sons so much. I am going to get through this. i say to myself cmon andrew get it together....

All the very best to you all and thanks for all your support. Take care x

Day 10, i have not gambled and im not going to gamble today. Have docs at 10am today, feel sick not slept again but im now in double figures for not gambling. Next target is monday then it will be two weeks. Am going to continue with my diary and will add more later about my sad little life. Take care all. x

Hi Ands,

Hope the doctors went ok and you can start calming down a bit soon. This will happen in time.

DT

Hi Ands

Great chat

Below are the "Just for Today's" from G.A. with a some added thoughts in brackets.

Hope they help

God Bless

Charly

Just for today I WILL try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. (Not allow fear stress panic anxiety and fear based issues to cause doubt in myself or my actions.)

Just for today I WILL be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” (No one controls my happiness today. Happiness is for me being content within myself in who and what I am today an how I conduct my life)

Just for today I WILL adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust every thing to my own desires. I WILL take each day as it comes and fit myself to it. (Living for today only, not allowing things I have no control over to affect my healthy being, not let anxiety and stress of tomorrow to cause me to live in fear of doing recovery today)

Just for today I WILL strengthen my mind. I WILL study. I WILL learn some thing useful. I WILL not be a mental loafer. I WILL read some thing that requires effort, thought and concentration. (I will strengthen my character and I will strengthen my conscience practicing spiritual actions; recovery is about healthy progress which builds self confidence in our actions and stay focused on healthy spiritual growth and progressive actions today)

Just for today I WILL exercise my soul in three ways: I would do some body a good turn and not get found out: if any body knows of it, it will not count: I WILL do at least two things I do not want to do - just for exercise. (A good turn is giving of myself, the action is spiritual based, doing 2 things I do not want to do is often things I know I need to do but are reluctant to do)

Just for today I WILL be agreeable. I WILL look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with any thing, and not try to improve or regulate any body but myself. (Understand that I do not control anyone else but myself and my actions, accepting the serenity prayer fully in to my life and my actions)

Just for today I WILL have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I WILL have it. I WILL save myself from two pests - hurry and indecision. (Stay focused on healthy actions and my things to do list, and not rush recovery but enjoy it, I will think things out clearly, but more importantly in doing things slower I become more considerate patient and tolerant of other people and of myself)

Just for today I WILL have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour some time, I WILL try to get a better perspective of my life. (Time to reflect and get clarity and focused on the healthiest path and actions I need and want in my life each day)

Just for today I WILL be unafraid. Especially I WILL not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. (In being free of fears will make me more honest, improve relationships, and set my inner child free)

Just for today I WILL not gamble. (It is the beginning of a more spiritual life and gaining a healthier way of living)