the end of the road, a new start on the way

Thanks Freda

I thought i was leaving this forum for good but have found myself back again, im still gamble free....

The self exclusions i done over 6 months ago have now elapsed, i now have to renew them all, permanently this time as i was told i could only self exclude for 6 months. Being honest i know i got to do it but it makes me feel sick and it renews all the misery gambling causes. The thought of the lights, dreary sounds and the hopeless expressions of people in their own little worlds losing all their money makes me feel realy depressed and f***** off.........Adjusting to life without gambling is harder than i thought it would be, theres a gap in my life, have my sons who i adore but i just feel empty...No dramas, school runs, work, school runs and then home.... Monday to Friday no arcades at lunchtimes or on way home, 6 months approx and finally i think i am grieving for that part of my life which no longer exsists..and its kinda sad, very sad! years and years of playing fruit machines, god what a cabbage i am.....life at times is f***** up and prob most of us are too lol! i wanna cry....

i sound totally barking and maybe i am!

take care whoever reads this

Hi Ands,

Sorry to hear your are upset mate, don't be, life is tough most of the time and gambling is an escape but we both know that we are happier and better off without it. You have done amazingly well over the past 6 months, I am proud for you.

I hope you have a great weekend and thanks for popping by my diary it cheered me up to see your post.

Cheers, Jim

P.s. Gambling is S***e. (In case you forgot lol)

ands,

I wish i could give you a big hug. I know what you mean about the hole the gambling leaves when you quit. I guess it just takes longer than we thought it would, hey?

Thinking of you this weekend, and hope the boys are ok tomorrow.

I think you do need to finish your counselling, but it was good that you put it off a bit at first - too much raw, fresh, pain 6 months ago.

Take care sweetchops,

f x

Thanks Jim, Freda for your kind words and support on my diary!

Still gamble free and now all my self exclusions are permanent, just needed to renew the blocks and get a grip.. Work going well and more importantly my boys are cool!

My one and only slip was the 9th Sept 2009 since then i have not gambled in any form so that must now be six and a half months gamble free.

Just need to get rid of the depression and life would be a bowl of cherries lol!

take care whoever reads my ramblings... ands

Rambling has got to be better than gambling mate.

As one who suffered terribly from depression in the past I know that if people tell you to pull yourself together, you could gladly murder them!! if only it were that easy to recover.

When I suddenly decided that a gamblers life was not for me after 36 years I surprised myself at how easy it was to stop IF you really wanted to. I have not wanted to go back into a bookies since-although I did pay a well documented trip to Cheltenham last week- I really have no idea why or how I managed to stop this time other than to say it was my time and I wanted to stop. My mindset is now so different.

Looking back to my dark days of depression I can honestly say that my 'cure' was similar to giving up gambling. I was sitting waiting for my regular appointment with the specialist--who was apt to letting you wait at least one hour for your pre-arranged appointment. I got so angry about waiting that I walked upto the receptionist and told her to thank the Doctor but I would not need to see her as I was cured!!--to this day some 10-11 years on, I have never had a relapse or required any medication. I truly believe that my depression was lifted because I so wanted it to be-just like the gambling.

I believe it is simply all in the mind--only you have the power to decide what you will do about things.

Sorry for rambling but as I say it surely beats gambling.

All the very best

Stumper

Hi there mate. Long time for me not to say thanks for your last post on my diary. Know what you mean about that gap with not gambling but I tell you this, as life progresses so that gap, I think, will no longer be a problem.

Sheese, I have had a few anxiety attacks of late. Bought on mainly through the lack of being busy and the worry of watching the old income dropping. Only have to work a few more years and it`s pension time. Just do not want to touch them before I am ready to retire. Not sure I ever will retire to be honest. Spending a lot of time doing nothing is not what i want to do.

My wife, who thank the Lord is hail and hearty, has just announced that she is far to young to retire and wants to carry on working. Moans like I don`t know what about the job but I know she enjoys a lot of it.

I`m really pleased that you are keeping away from the arcades. Honestly sunshine, you have done so very well. A lot of us ( me very much ) miss you my friend. Hope you pop into a meeting at some time.

Your a top bloke. Don`t let anyone tell you any different.

Hey Ands,

Just thought I would drop you a line to say hello and I hope you are having a good weekend.

Catch you soon, JIm

Another week since my last post and thats another week gamble free!!

Have started counselling again through my gp and i hope to come of the anti ds very soon. Dont feel they help much anymore and im getting hooked on them. So lose one addiction and start another one DONT THINK SO!! Feel strong and ready for my next chapter in my life, i will resolve all my personal issues this time around and complete my counselling.... We all know lifes hard at times and a battle, but the more work we put into it the more rewards we will get!

So on i go, little diffy period over!!!

take care whoever reads my diary and all the best! ands

Glad to hear you are trying to come of the a.d's as I honestly think they rarely improve the situation. As I said in my earlier post I truly believe that for me the mind was my most powerful weapon in that fight. Once you can condition your mind differently, like giving up gambling, the rest follows on.

All the best

Stumper

I`m glad things are moving on. Anti D`s are OK for a while but tackling the real problem is a better solution. Stumper is right about a bit of brain re wiring I think.

Thanks for the recent post my friend. Stay in touch.

Another week passes by since my last post and its another gamble free week!

guess my diary is still my journal and in a way my salvation. 30th June is my yearly annisversary on this forum and for me thats an achievement on its own. lol! but shows real intent to rid my life of gambling for good!!!

as for urges they come and go but i have all blocks in place and have made if far too difficault to gamble...the one urge i have no longer is for scratchcards, bizzare addiction!

the anger i used to have is fading like the sun on a fine spring evening.

anyway til next week! take care. ands

Hi Ands

I can see a pattern. You left the forum because you thought it has given you all it can, I did the same, and I know of others who did that too.

I wonder if it is part of our constant moving forward in our recoveries. Constantly changing ourselves to be that better person so many speak of. Maybe we already are that better person, we just can't see it yet. I think because we are changing, we make certain decisions, but because of that change, we are no longer afraid to speak up and say, hey I made the wrong decision there, I am going to go back on that.

I for one can see that better person in you. You have changed so many things in your life since you first came here last June and you can be very proud of your achievements.

I am glad you are back here posting. Well Done for excluding again. It is tough out there sometimes, but we are fortunate to have this site to vent.

All the best for you and your boys.

God Bless

Charly/Sabine

Hi ands,

just wanted to say it is so lovely to hear you sounding so content. You are a legend! Im glad you are trying the counselling again, i hope you will learn to like yourself as much as we all do.

Lots of love and hugs,

f x

Hay Ands,

I hope all is good with you and yours.....

Keep it going pal you have made real progress over the past 10 months; I am well impressed!! Certainly an inspiration to me through this year.

Thanks Ands,

Jim

Still gamble free and life is defo on the up, have had my anti ds reduced and my counselling is going well!

My sons are good and i love them very much!!

I think the 8 months gamble free is nearly here and i am chuffed to bits with that.. Have had the one slip since jun 09 and that was back in sept 09!

from a happier ands, take care whoever reads this...ands