the end of the road, a new start on the way

Enjoy life Ands and them boys .........they grow so fast

luv

Kim xx

tc STAY STRONG

Ands, may I also wish you the best of luck in your onward journey. You have come so far in the last year. Everyday in life we meet some really nice people-I know in my line of work that only a very small percentage of those I meet, I really do not like. Like you I was offended by a certain person's comments and I chose to bite back through my own diary--probably should not but hey life's a b**** and boy did I feel better for it. In effect I dealt with my anger and moved on--if only giving up on gambling as a whole had been as easy as having to give up on one gambler.

Our own individual recoveries are what is the most important things to us all. Like Jim, my recovery path is littered with failure and perhaps in hindsight, who am I to cast any stones in any direction. The main thing is Jim was an inspiration to me when I was on these diaries some years ago--I failed but Jim continued to succeed. He keeps his diary going because still in some small way he gets benefit from it and it helps him to stay on the path without failures. Should you feel that you would benefit from carrying on your diary now or in the future make sure that you do not bite off your nose to spite your face as the saying goes. Many of us may still be here and the words of encouragement will be still flowing from either us or others who have taken up the mantle.

Sincere best wishes to you.

Stumper

Sadness in my life but i am still gamble free, my mum passed away from having a stroke aged 63.. My dad doesnt want me at the funeral, my brothers hate me and why im posting this is because gambling ruined a very dysfunctional relationship with my family!!!

God, i realy wished i got forgiveness from my mother but i didnt....How selfish am i????

Some days i have pure hatred for myself and today i feel sick!!!! I said i wouldnt post again but i have, im a loser and a sack of s**t!

Might be gamble free for quite some time now but the feelings of regret are well and truly heart breaking.....Love my mother and never told her that!!!! Sad so sad!

Have to tell my sons and i just cant do it at the moment..........................

Hello Ands,

I am so very sorry and sad to hear the news about your Ma. Try not to be too hard on yourself Ands....you have done incredibly well...hang on to that achievement.

You and your boys take great care. I am thinking of you all and your Ma too.

Jas xx

Cant sleep, resorting to diary...boys asleep and the tears are rolling!

Been on the netline tonight. how sad am i???? have no one but a computer! tap, tap, tap.........what the f*** am i gonna do! Family realy hates me, dont know nalt about nalt..........have holiday in minehead a week monday, thats pretty sad too! Couldnt afford anything else, gambling well profitable, lol! .....Yuck, yuck.

The fruit machine family are calling, but i have disowned them, they are my family from HELL!

And i aint returning!!!!!

It was only last week my sons asked me when he could see nan!

f*** it, f*** it, f*** it.......feel so empty, sad, realy emotional in an unstable way! But when my sons get up i will be normal!

Love the word dysfunctional, so many different definitions, me, me....,me

Get a grip

get a grip

get a grip

get a grip

have work in morning, think take day of.....cancel childminder! my head wants to explode.

im not mad or crazy!

Oh (((Andrew))) I am so very sorry to hear your sad news.

You definitely are not mad.... just very hurt & sad right now... and thats ok... those feelings... your feeling... they just have to come out, it natural.

Ands ignore the fruit machine family... they have never, ever brought you anything but misery... Revisiting them wouldnt help you or your boys, fact.

Your sons Andy... they are your true family... and everyone here will support you... you know that mate, we will be your extended family xx

Are you still reading? we could chat for a bit if you want?

Jackie

I hope you are managing to get some sleep ands...

Thinking of you and you know we are here if you need us... just shout my friend 😉

Jackie x

Hi Ands

So sorry to about hear your news, and the consequential pain.

To echo what Jas and Jac have already said, we're all here for you mate.

Rant on here as much as you need. Your "other " family will never be the answer, but you already know that.

Thinking of you and your boys.

M

My boys have no mother, now no nan, no one apart from me! Cant stop crying, wished i never f*****g gambled for all those years.

w*f, lifes unfair or is it??

i left it too late to kick this addiction back to hell where it belongs!

Dont make the same mistake as me.

Ands

It's never too late. You're boys have a fantastic Dad, one who wants to give them the best he possibly can.

They are the ones you talk about most on your diary, they are your family.

Sorry mate, but difficult to know what else to say.

M

Ands

Just read bits of your diary and you're really going through the mill at the moment. Things must feel pretty deperate at the moment I guess and I am in no way qualified to be able to offer any help or advice. What I do know is that you have taken great strides to overcome your addiction, you have become someone your children can be proud of and, in time, I hope that the rest of your family will come to see this. One thing is for sure - a life without gambling WILL be infinitely better than one with.

So sorry to hear about your mother - she will still be looking over you and your actions can still make her proud!

Take care

Hatch 2

Hi Ands, like everybody else I am so sorry to read about your sad loss. Sometimes words are not needed to let somebody know what you think and I am sure your mum knew that you loved her and like all mothers she loved her son too.

Your sons really need you now mate and in truth you need them too. A family is a family whatever the size of it. As others have said you always have an extended family here to talk to.

All the best

Stumper

Morning Ands,

My tears are now flowing after reading Jim's & your posts on my diary ((Ands))

Reading what your brother said was awful and so hurtful and definitely what you don't need right now... but then again they are hurting too... striking out at you, because they can. Losing a mum is very hard on everyone.

Maybe in time the situation will change between you all... who knows? I guess that is what is meant by the saying...You can chose your friends but not your family.

Yes, with the gift of hindsight maybe we would of all done things differently in our lives, not just the impact that gambling has had on a persons life... but at the time we just do what we perceive as best. Don't waste time & energy dragging up the past... that was then... Its now and the future that is important my friend.

Jim has no contact with any of his family either. I use to worry and try to encourage and try to change this fact in the past. My daughter has never met her extended family but for reasons that i wont go into here, that just the way it is has always been. Although since becoming an adult herself she has found & made contact through facebook, a couple of her cousins.

All the boys need in their lives right now is their Dad and their Dads love. It is very sad to lose a 'nan', although children handle news like that differently to us. Its ok for them to see you upset as well, its very natural... Let them help you through this time, as well.

Sadly, In the bigger picture of life, death is something we all have to deal with sometime in our lives... and we do... even though it may seem impossible at the time.

Ands please don't dismiss any further outside help or indeed temporary 'anti's', at the moment, see how things go for you.

Right now you are in shock and probably wanting your mum more than anything else in the world, at the moment. Take the time to be able to absorb all of these feelings. They will probably come in waves at you.

Remember the basics of gambling recovery... and use them for this, it will help you to focus a little.

Take things slowly, one day at a time.... or break that day down.

You don't have to be superdad just now... you can put those pants back on the outside when you feel ready 😉

Use netline, diaries whatever you feel helps you get it all out(or down on paper)

Go talk to your doctor, he knows you (I went to mine when I lost my mum 8 yrs ago, he was brilliant) Your health & wellbeing are his concern.

You may change your mind about contacting CRUSE. I had dealings with them through my working career and I tell you something Ands, they are fantastic, I cannot praise them enough. You can use them once or on a longer term... until the person feels comfortable with everything again. See how you go.

But for now my friend, You and the boys have each other. Sleep when you can and take the time off work that you need. (I think most firms have paid compassionate leave?)

Thinking of you

Jackie x