the end of the road, a new start on the way

Thanks for your postings/support on my diary!

My insides feel like they have been yanked out with a metal hook.

Today i will not gamble.

Cant imagine the pain you are going through at the moment but remember 2 things

1) Your life with gambling would be worse FACT!

2) Your sons will always need you more than you or they will ever know

Chin up, chest out

Dave

Absolutely no deleating needed my friend 😉

My shoulders are wide... you open up as much as you want x

Hope the boys enjoy their swim.

Cheers for posting on my diary mate, was really good to catch up in chat earlier just wish it had been under better circumstances.

I know the meds helped you when you took them and hopefully i can benefit similarly. As soon as my doc mentioned them, you were the first thing I thought of, and helped me reach the decision of actually taking them.

And don't worry about keeping up with my recovery, concentrate on yourself and your boys.

Take care of yourself and them mate.

Dave

thinking of you ands

love

rusty

xx

Ands,I've never posted on your diary before...I'm so sorry to read of your loss...this may sound selfish....you said goodbye to the diaries only last week but in a way I'm glad You're back....success stories on the diaries are few and far between and your story is so inspiring especially through difficult times....keep your chin up mate,you've got a helluva lot of friends and support on these diaries....best wishes...wp

Ands

As you will be aware by now, all posters on this forum are extremely sorry as to the grief, that you and your sons are currently suffering. The fact that there is an "issue" about you attending the funeral must make things even worse. Maybe if for whatever reason you can't attend it, this does not stop you mourning your Mum's passing away? Possibly you could attend on the basis that you sit at the back and keep a low profile? Might not really be what you want. But at least you would have been there and have been a "bigger man" than many others by taking such an action out of respect for your Mum. If that is not possible then maybe take time out to mourn and celebrate your Mum's life at the same time as the funeral, and in your way?

Apologies if the above might not be appropriate in your particular circumstances?

RayG

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Ands,deepest sympathy at this very difficult time.

Seano.

Thankyou for all your support/kindness.

My diary is honest throughout, for those who have followed my diary know quite alot about me.

My family problems are my own fault likewise the breakdown of my marriage. This all due to my selfish gambling, lying and stealing. stole of everyone i knew from family to work and even the sodding milkman...And yes i been court several times for shoplifting, this was for food to feed my sons. Yes ive also had social services visit me and threatened me with care proceedings if i didnt quit gambling!! Was reported by my parents as they considered me to be a worthless piece of s**t!

My mother died thursday,dont know if she had been ill for some time or not. My brother gave me the news last night, this was the first contact for nearly a year, one of the worst moments of my life. They are not going to tell me when and where the funeral will take place, if i knew i'd be there, knowing that whatever they think i loved my mum deeply, didnt show it but i did........

I returned to my diary cos i realy need some support right now and i am still gamble free....hate me or loathe me, i been honest since june 09, the harsh lessons of an ex cg who is trying so very hard to be a decent individual.

Heartbroken ands, love my sons and always will, i will never turn my back on them no matter what!!!

Some may say i got my punishment now and maybe i deserve it, and im not disputing that! What comes around goes around!!!!

I think your trying to punish yourself ands...like I said your story is such an inspiration....you don't need to justify to us how much them boys are loved....maybe check out the local newspaper where your mother lived....you may get details online from the births/deaths page.....you have a right to be there..I'm sure deep down your mother was very proud of you ands...take care...wp

Another sleepness night, boys snoring away....i will not gamble today, spent the night digging out old photos of the family, then burning them in the garden. Then done ironing and cleaned bathroom.

No work today have some time of, gonna phone gp later and get appointment, just for some sleeping meds. Take boys park then shopping.

Shouldv'e quit addiction years ago then i would not be in this situation now. i is the ****** of gamcare! hate gambling just as much as i hate myself.....

Ands

I don't suppose that any words can even start to express what you must be going through at the moment. Trying to beat this awful disease is bad enough but the death of your mother and the family problems just compounds the issues. You have made mistakes in the past - haven't we all? However, the important part is where you go from here - you want to make your children proud of you - and you will - by remaining gamble free. Who knows, if you can stay focused you may even start to rebuild some of the bridges that have been burnt with other family members. What is certain is that you'll need plenty of support and this forum will help in that respect. Keep it going mate and my sympathies really are with you at this very difficult time.

All the best

Hatch

Hi Ands,

Glad you did pop in to chat last night. Hope knowing you are well thought of on here helps you.

Warm thoughts and prayers to you at this awful time

Lili

Oh my goodness ands,

I had no idea. Im so sorry mate. I cant imagine the pain you are feeling right now, Im just so sorry.

I can relate to an extent, why this has got you feeling bad about yourself, but you really are a wonderful person, and you don't deserve this at all.

I wish there was something I could do to help you, I wish I could just hug you! (((ands)))

I personally think that you should not try to bottle up your tears around the boys - when my nan died, I thought my Dad wasn't bothered because he didn't show any emotion at all. Apparently this couldn't have been further from the truth, but as a child I found it all very confusing and strange, because he didn't show it.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. Take very good care of yourself please, I know you dont feel like it and are probably off your food, but do it for your boys. Take as much time as you need off work, if your compassionate leave from work isnt very long - go to the gp and get a sicknote. Frankly, if your employer cant understand why you need to take some time, they should be ashamed! but im sure they will be supportive of you.

Loads of love and hugs,

f x