the end of the road, a new start on the way

Day 10, been docs, not what i was hoping for, but have been refered for counselling, will take up to 12 weeks for appointment. Was hoping for some meds to help with stress and sleep but i have been prescribed nothing.

Still feel very emotional but i have another wave of determination and alot of that is due to all the suppoet i have had from all you good people.

Done alot of thinking today, and after my eldest son bringing me breakfast this morning( which was just sooo sweet) tea with cold water lol, i now know wallowing in self pity is going to get me no where! have to snap out of the way im feeling, its been the toughest ten days of my life. just want to look at myself and see a little good but at the moment i just cant do that. I am lucky to have 2 lovely sons and i must never ever forget that fact.

Like many i have had an unhappy childhood, felt unloved and was an outsider in my own family, turned to gambling for comfort, and until now i never stopped. Like i said previously fruit machines where kinda my family, i would be like a zombie whilst i gambled, and the gambling become my coping mechanisim. I now have to work out how to cope with lifes difficaulties without turning to gambling. What a f*****g stupid ****** i am..... I so wished i gave up many years ago, but hey i didn,t, but i have now!

Hi ands,

Glad you've been referred for counselling, thats great news! Do go back to your doctor in a few weeks if you are still feeling this low though, as depression is nasty if you let it fester. I suspect your GP is waiting to see if your mood improves, before prescribing meds. After 6 weeks or so of persistently low mood, that is the time to start thinking chemicals!

Much easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up too much about the past. There is nothing you can do about the past, so its very destructive to live there. Obviously its healthy to look at past mistakes in order to prevent repeating them, but looking back just to give yourself a hard time will make everything seem worse.

You are doing so well though, im really over the moon for you 🙂

Try to think of quitting gambling as a bereavment. It is in a sense, as its part of your life that you are saying goodbye to. You wouldnt expect yourself to get over a bereavement in under 10 days, so have faith that things will get easier in time.

Im ok, its tough at times, but you cant make an omelette without breaking a few eggs eh?!

Im learning to meditate, so off out to the class now.

Thanks for your posts, they make me smile 🙂

Keep looking forward - but not too far!

f x

Hi Ands,

Your mood from your last post seems a little more upbeat today, at least you have been to seek professional help, personally i don't think pills are the answer, i speak from experience!....Like you say we just need to start dealing with life, and boy do i know how tough that can be, going through it a little today myself 'women trouble'.

Anyhow it seems like you have made a big step realizing that only you can pull yourself together, start trying to forget the past and look to a brighter gamble free future with your sons, I'm not going to pretend you won't have tough times ahead, you will, but the good times will start to out way them especially with the boy's in your life, and gambling out of your life.

stay strong mate, the day's will become week's the week's month's and hopefully years without the pain of gambling in your life.

green x

Ands,

Keep going buddy, you are doing brilliantly.

DT

Day 11, feel crappy this morning, i am not going to gamble today. Another target will be reached on monday and thats 2 weeks. My friend is still looking after my money but he told me last night he will only do it today and over the weekend then i will be in charge of my finances again! I must sound like a child with pocket money, was hoping he was gonna do qnother week. The pressure is now starting to build, have work monday, money back next week and boys break up from school next friday. Been a hard week.

Thanks for all your posts, kind words and support.

Morning ands,

Just checking out your diary and would like to congratulate you on your progress.

Your last post refers to your money. When pay day comes for me I have to withdraw the lot so it takes the temptation away. Is there anwhere you can put your cash which makes it difficult to get hold of, say a building society? Just a thought.

Have a good day....Jas xx

Ands

I know that life is very hard for you at the moment. Try not to dwell on who you were and what you did when you were gambling. It is actually like 2 different people, gambling ands and non-gambling ands. You owe it to YOURSELF to be non-gambling ands. I can tell that you are a decent bloke who had a damaging addiction. Now you are a decent bloke.

I am thinking of you and your boys.

DT

Ands im so sorry for all the pain you have in your life right now. Im sure if you talk to your friend and explain what has happened with your parents, he will understand that you need him to support you for another week or so.

I know this sounds really mad, but as a last resort you could buy a postal order, make it payable to yourself, then post it to yourself by second class post. That way some of your money will be out of your hands till the back end of the week. Other things that ive tried in the past are buying supermarket gift vouchers so that I can only spend that cash in the supermarket. If you bought a tesco gift card for £100 on payday, you would at least know that you cant run out of food completely.

I wish you lots of strength and courage over the next few days, as this is bound to make you feel very vulnerable.

Take care,

Freda x

Thanks for your posts, today has turned out to be the worst day of all. After what the postman delivered and what my parents have done to me i feel sick physically and mentally.

Maybe sometimes honesty is nnt the best policy i realy dont know anymore!!!

Just want to feel normal whatever that is, what is normal??? Parents mine suck!!! they hate me and after what they have done i hate them, will never ever speak to them again. I would NEVER hurt my sons or harm them in anyway. When i done my stealing i done it on my own, they have never seen me steal and they never will. I have made some huge mistakes in life some bigger than others, maybe i do deserve whats coming my way, dont know anymore.

Thought i was moving forward and slowly upwards but today has completely and utterly wiped me out. Social sevices will come to my home next week and they will see that i care for my boys and also that i love them very much (they are my life), i would rather DIE than lose my boys and god do i mean that YES i do.

I will be contacting childminder who has a diary and receipts of when and how long she has looked after my boys. I have plenty of food, gas and electric (i know i sound nuts but that has not always been the case, i am so ashamed of that fact)_ Saying that tho i HAVE ALWAYS fed my boys even if i have had to ask mate for some food or i have stolen it. YES i am a very bad dishonest piece of s**t.

Because of my gambling i have lost my ex wife, my family, approx £10K and 15K in debt. I am not going to lose my boys too, the sad fact is tho this is all my own doing we all have choices and mine was to gamble, some drink, some take drugs, what is worse????

I have a criminal record and have been court a couple of times for shoplifting, i have never been to prison and i have never physically hurt anyone in anyway.

I have not gambled today and have had a £10 note in my pocket all day, have been told that if i start gambling again social services will apply to the courts for a care order and my boys will be taken of me.

Sorry for such a depressing post but this is where i am today!

Dear ands,

You are in the early days of recovery and the S***e is coming at you thick and fast.

From your posts it is obvious your boys are your world. You have made a very brave decision to be honest in order to help you stop gambling. This is clear for all to see. I don't know the situation with social services....have they been to see you before?....just the fact you are now getting help for your gambling must surely go some way towards showing your willingness to change for the better.

Have you called Gamcare ands? Perhaps it would help you to speak to someone......

Thinking of you....Jas xx

Hi mate,

sorry to here of your s**t day, most of us on here have stolen, i have stolen from ones i love, and not for food, just to gamble, yes your right it's sad despicable, I'm ashamed. The thing is i can't change that, Ever. What i and you can change is the future and you are doing, Whatever happens don't loose sight of that. You have made a good start.

from your posts i can tell the boys are your life, keep fighting thats one of the main reasons your doing this for them.

You are making a better life day by day for you and the boys, surely people will see that.

like jasmine says, give gamcare a call if you need someone to chat to about things, i called them before, and after the tears it was one of the best calls i ever made.

be strong mate, i will be thinking of you, don't let them grind you down, your better than that.

green x

Jas, thanks for your post i would like to answer this as it might help me think alittle more clearer. No, social sevices have never checked on my sons, this is because as i said in my early post i have never neglected my children in anyway. I am a cg but i am not a bad parent. The school which they both attend has said that both my sons are healthy, above their age academically and are very well presented, polite and very well behaved. They are healthy boys, respectful and just a sheer pleasure. The school have not one bad word to say about them, infact its all praise. Writng this down kinda helps, i am a good dad, just got to stop gambling on f*****g fruit machines whish im doing, and in my funny way im doing ok........

Im so all over the place at the moment i cant seem to think straight. I am one of those dopey guys in life, bit dim i guess, lol!

Also i would like to add that my exwife could have contacted the boys either through me or a solicitor, but nothing.

Im confused, worried, tired but most importantly NOT GOING TO GAMBLE. be 2 weeks on monday and im kinda chuffed, i know its not long but its a start.

Hi ands

You are definatley NOT dim in any way. You are a victim of this gambling addiction that has got lots of us on here in trouble in different ways.

The thing is you have recognised the problem and are doing something to sort it out.

Sorry to hear tha in your case it is threatening your family as it is.

You clearly love your kids - keep doing what you are doing - and things will surely come right for you.

Lots of us on here are rooting for you - Keep going.

David

Im rooting for you ands, please keep posting - it will help. Im so proud of what you've come through recently - and hope you are too.

Hang in there my weary, but strong and courageous friend! All the wonderful things the school have said about your boys, are down to your hard work and parenting. I remember you said you'd had a difficult childhood, which makes it all the more of an achievement. So many people repeat the behaviour that messed them up, with their own kids - you didn't. That deserves a hell of a lot of respect.

Brace yourself, cos here comes a *HUGE HUG THAT SQUISHES YOU SO TIGHT THAT YOU CAN HARDLY BREATHE*

Phew, im knackered now...

f x

Firstly this morning i would like to say a very big thankyou to all those who have posted on my diary.I am so grateful, yesterday was just such a bloody awful day. I am so worried and very confused, how some of you offer support amazes me when you are going thru so much s**t. This website and you guys and gals are helping so much more than i could ever imagine. Many thanks again..

Day 12, i have not gambled and i will not gamble today, have not slept and my appetite has gone.

Reality for me is now clear, if i gamble i will lose my sons, so fruit machines or my sons, pretty easy to choose, my sons of course. Just can get over the fact that my parents have told social services everything including all the shoplifting and they have also lied with some untruths, telling them i dont take my sons to school, i leave them at home on the own, no clothes etc.... it is not true i would never do that.

Next week like others is going to be a test of my character.

Work on monday, social services wednesday and boys break up on friday, had a huge row with my friend this morning and i now have my bank card and money back.

My real test begins now................

How can ODAAT be put in practice when i have to think about next week???? this is just sooo f*****g hard! I would love to be able to escape my life just for a few hours, sure that goes for most tho!!

To all my buddies on this saturday morning i wish you all a very good weekend, take care and you are in my thoughts.