The fog is lifting!

Never you mind bullying me then you little gamble-a-holic, you have the gift of the gab (a nip & a tuck & charity work for the homeless indeed) & all the right contacts...I expect you to change all the names to protect the innocent & I want 1st read! Just think, when you're a published author you will be able to get the little man a helicopter & a spaceship & all the other must haves that the kids of today require 😉

Fair point, well made, with the charity work...I did have a massive touch of the seconds after I pressed save but as with gambling, there ain't no going back (I should prob have done another post but my bath had chilled to slightly below scalding, with all the lovely bubbles disappearing before my very eyes) so I couldn't leave it any longer! As a 'punishment' I too will do the same...I have no idea how I will do it (usually only make the effort when they are collecting in store) but I will figure it out!

Now you're not whiling away your precious hours, chucking your hard earned cash away you may well be getting ready for a bit of love in your life! Watch out for Northerners tho (please no-one be offended)...Mine rolled over in bed one night, possibly half drunk & certainly more than half asleep & said we needed to get down the jewellers! Had I not been a 40 (ish) year old virgin (ish) I probably wouldn't have said yes before he let out an almighty trump & rolled back to sleep but I wasn't gonna look a gift horse in the mouth 😉

Great work stretching your money (I'm impressed) & coffee's bad for you anyway...Keep strong - ODAAT

Hi, just a quick message to see how you are keeping? How has the last week been?

Hi Rach,

Good to hear from you, Know where you are coming from, finally getting some funds in your account on Monday is very tempting, I'm in the same situation, managed to recover a small amount of funds from selling some items and paid into the account. Need them as they are allocated for bills and hopefully repaying the business a very small percentage of what i stole. It is encouraging that I have managed to recover some funds but very frustrating that it is all accounted for and if it was'nt for this stupid addiction that would of been money that could of been spent on the house or a deposit for a holiday etc . Maybe even saving some! (that is a few year's away once debts are paid). I suppose there is no quick fix to this and gambling was our way to get that but it did'nt work. There is only one winner and it's not us.

So in one way positve that have got some funds, no chance of handing over my finances to my wife as i'm the only person who can deal and access with business side of things. She is busy enough with work and a 2 and 6 year old to deal with!

I know we can both keep strong and work our way through these difficult times when the thoughts and urges are with us. Very difficult dealing with losses but need to let them go. Stay strong, hope you have a good weekend.

Al.

Half way through January and no funds lost, That is a massive positive for us both, that's 17 days that we have'nt contributed to the massive profits these businesses make, i'm in the wrong line of work!

Thanks for your post, I'm willing to accept that I've been having to sell items to keep the bills paid etc. Not easy but at the end of day they are only possessions not essentials. At least the money is being spent on essential bills rather than the slots.

Having a bit of a quiet time work wise still, wrong time of year for new work. Have been pricing several jobs so fingers crossed. Been at this for over 20 years so am used to it but the quiet times are difficult to cope with some days, more so now as trying to stay away from the lure of the slots! And owing so much money dos'nt help. But we all have our various issues.

Hope you have a good weekend as well.

Al

Hi, we all have living problems, don't let bad days make you give up and go back to the begging bowl after you've blown all your money again. Good days, bad day, you're after balance, the way you get that is to face the bad days head on and have a laugh at the day before you go to bed and try to do things better if some of it you could have avoided. And make sure the ups are not way over he top, BALANCE, but you're allowed to be happy. Well done, don't give up now.

That's another weekend for me unscathed thankfully. When I have had a lovely couple of days with my son as I have just now, and reflect on my behaviour for much of the past 4 years I feel a mix of relief and guilt. Relief that I have been able to give him my full attention and that he still loves me as much as he ever did, and guilt that I have spent so much time wasting holiday money, Christmas money, birthday money, home improvement money, clothes money - you name it, I have thrown it away by watching reels spin round and settling in the wrong combination. What have I done? Where would we be had I not started gambling? I'd still be a homeowner that's for sure instead of renting, and i wouldn't be armpit deep in debt. Anyway, onwards and upwards, I won't waste any more of my sons childhood on this dispicable addiction and hope that when he remembers his younger years as an adult, the memories aren't of me zombie-like in front of a computer screen. We're just going to have a game of Scrabble now (yes, I know how to live 😉 ). Night folks.

Welcome back to your diary girlie, it seems you are everywhere else but here 😉

Try to savour the relief & not beat yourself up too much about the past, what's done is done & it hurt enough @ the time without further punishment - just use this pain as a tool to keep pushing forwards! Children are extremely resilient & I have complete faith that he will choose to remember these precius hours together getting whooped @ Scrabble because Mummys know that QI & ZA are words 😉

Feeling little bit chuffed with myself today. Had money go in the bank and didn't stay up until some ungodly hour waiting for it to show in my account and then gamble it all away. I only ever gambled on line so I went to a cashpoint this afternoon, and withdrew the money as cash so that I am not tempted to open a new casino account with my debit card and gamble tonight. Non-gamblers would see this as extreme behaviour. I see it as a little victory!

That's great news, good for you, I would of done the same.

Online it never registered that it was real money I was using whilst being in the zone! Until the transactions hit the bank account.

After year's of abusing credit cards and other mean's of finance I am now a hater of all things involving credit. it was the easy way to feed the habit.

Well done Rach, you should be proud of yourself. Al.

Ooo, what did you do with all that lovely lolly? Did you get it all in fivers so it looked like loads or pound coins so that you can count them over & over & over? It is a little extreme you have to admit 😉 but in our world, it is Deffo high 5 material! Seriously though, don't leave it under your mattress!

Morning Rach, what a lovely treat for the little big man 🙂

There is irony in this amount for me...It was the figure that started your journey to hell so it feels symbolic to me as the point of your return!

Sorry to hear you have battled depression in the past & very proud that you are figuring this out yourself! I would say though, if you recognise the signs of it returning, don't be afraid to ask for help! Both little sis (RIP) & Mum have had a go on happy pills & they served a purpose. Although there are periods when I question why I am so incredibly down & cannot physically crawl out of bed, I am lucky, I just get to blame gambling. It was my root of all evil & after all these years of destruction, I get to turn things on it's head & blame it for every bad feeling of which there are a lot - I am a middle aged woman after all 😉

Next post will be a jolly one...I look forward to you making me chuckle!

Stay strong - ODAAT

Hi Rach,

I cannot believe you were on @ me to write a book! You pretty much reduced me to tears & then bam, I was fine again!

This life can be so flipping cruel 🙁 I am so very sorry to hear about your parents (esp your beloved Mum) & once again, this is testament to your true strength of character that you have found the will to survive...Of all the people the vile addiction could have chosen, why would it do that?!? I have real issues with physical contact but I would luv to just give you a squeeze now...I wouldn't know what to say coz nothing can fix that sort of pain & everything else would be a cliche but @ least you would get that I care!

No jolly from me this time, I just can't find the strength. It's times like this that I struggle to believe the wise words 'everything happens for a reason'. We cannot change death but we can change life & by staying in recovery, we can give ourselves the best chance of feeling normal - I always wondered what that would feel like! I'm on a day off & I'm off out now, to the place I did most of my damage, with all my banks cards & money in my pocket...Just to stick 2 fingers up to the vile disease that spares not a thought for people's vulnerability! I owe it to everyone who had a reason other than greed (like myself) that got sucked in by it's evil! If you see a demented middle aged-ish ex gamble-a-holic woman skipping down a High Street near you, flailing her arms about in a celebratory manner & waving wads of tenners @ the doors of a bookies, don't be alarmed!

How old exactly was June? I just looked in the mirror...There's an uncanny resemblance :-0

3 weeks down, way to go 🙂