I have decided to share my story in the hopes that it will reach out to people and help them overcome gambling. If I can reach even one person then all that money was worth it.
I have never had an addiction to anything before. I never smoked, I never did drugs and I never drank excessively. The closest thing I had to an addiction is spending countless hours on the same video game as a kid, which I think is pretty normal for young boys.
I started gambling on a regular basis at the age of 19 during my first year of university. My friends and I would go to the casino just for a bit of fun which soon turned into an addiction for all of us. It got to the point where I said to everyone that we have become addicts and we need to stop, so we agreed not to go anymore. Instead, we all went alone without telling each other and caught one another at the casino. This seemed funny at the time; I guess it was easier to laugh about it than be mad at ourselves. I felt especially bad because I introduced a few of my good friends to the casino and blamed myself for them becoming addicts. One friend in particular lost so much that he could not afford to pay his rent. I lost about a grand throughout my first year of university, which may not seem like much but when you are a student receiving the minimum amount of student loan which does not even cover your rent then it is a big deal
.
I gave up gambling for over 14 months and I thought I overcame my addiction. However, unfortunately I found out some very shocking news. Someone very close to me had continuously been sexually abused by another person for years. What made it worse is that the abuser was also close to me and I had been abused as well in the past (not sexually, physically and mentally) so it bought back bad memories. I was under a lot of pressure to keep this a secret which I felt was not right as the abuser also has children and I was concerned for their safety. I could not stop thinking about it. I tried many things to make myself feel better or to distract myself like trying to focus on my university work, exercising, spending time with friends, counselling, speaking to Samaritans about it, getting advice from the police without identifying the individuals etc. I went through depression which is something I have suffered from pretty much my whole life.
Nothing could get my mind of the situation so I decided to start gambling again after giving up for over a year. Eventually I ended up losing a few grand which again is a lot to me as I am now in my final year of university. I can’t describe how bad I felt; I reached my lowest point ever. I felt suicidal, I was shaking and I cried for the first time in years. Only then I realised that I was gambling as a copying mechanism, it was the only thing that could distract me from my depression and “the secret”. I decided enough is enough and it is not fair to punish myself any longer.
I decided that I had to finally confront the abuser and the situation, I have not gambled since and I have been clean for 4 days now. Had I not lost all that money, then I highly doubt I would have confronted the abuser and deal with my depression. If my story reaches out to people and affects them in a positive way then I believe that my suffering was worth it.
In conclusion:
• There is a reason you gamble, try to figure out the root cause and it will help you to overcome it.
• The addiction starts when you keep losing and just wanted to make back what you lost. You will never win back what you lose, the only way to stop loosing is quitting.
• Let some good come out of it. Even though you have lost, let it be the reason you make positive changes in your life that you would have not otherwise done if you did not lose.
• Share your story, not only will it help you but it can help others.
Hi Demar.
What a great opening post to your diary. It's great that you've been so open and honest. Many addicts including myself are trying to get to the root cause of their addiction and it seems like you've very much tackled that issue head on. Well done on that.
I can't offer you any advice right now because I'm in no real position to do so. I'm fighting my own epic battle right now, which I feel on the verge of losing, but all I can do is offer you my support and encouragement. I hope you keep your diary updated with your thoughts. I'm excited to see you beat your addiction and I hope you can share that on the forum.
Hi Martin67.
I am glad that you read my story and I hope that it helped.
If you don't mind me asking. Why do you feel that you are "on the verge of losing"? The best advice I can give you is focus all your energy on answering that question. It will distract you from gambling. Maybe you would like to post any possible answers here? I look forward to offering you support.
Hi Demar,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story and I know that it will help many others. I could have written parts of your story myself meaning that I too am functionally depressed as a result of childhood abuse. Not an excuse for what I do as an adult but certainly an explanation at times. I agree that it helps to get to the source of our pain and I have been healing from the inside out for years now. Anyway, again, thanks for sharing and I look forward to reading more about your progress. -joanxxx
Hi Demar,
Welcome to the forum and well done for starting your journey on recovery road. Thank you for sharing the story and the reasons why you been making the choices you had.
Your story really touched me. I been abused in my childhood and the courage you had to step in and make it all stop is really something special which requires a lot of strength and courage. I am sorry you had to deal with it and obviously it had affected yourself to high degree.
I just want to add that the person who had lived in hell for that part of her/his life needs all the help possible to get over it now. The situation gonna stay with the individual forever, but with support and help from others it is possible to put the events aside and try to move on with the life. It will not happen overnight...but as long as person don't feel on their own...every little will surely help.
Once again,thank you for sharing, there should be more people like yourself in a world, you did absolutely right thing confronting the person and situation and I hope the person gets what evil like that deserves.
Keep posting, keep taking your recovery day at a time and stay strong in a battle towards this habit.
Take care
Sandra x
Very honest opening post and helpful too, especially to new people on here.
I think we sometimes dwell on other factors and often don't consider route causes. Mine was most definitely grief over two relatives dying and mixture of issues stemming from childhood and young adulthood. I recognize that now and it's been helpful in moving on from my own gambling problem.
It's important for a gambler in recovery to do what you've done. Events shape us, but shouldn't control us and lastly should predispose us to any addiction. Yet it happens. We just have to move on though. This is all we can do.
Wish you the best in the coming weeks and months ahead. Recovery can be testing at times, but it's worth it always.
-Alex
Hello Demar,
You mention that you've spoken with the Samaritans, had counselling and obtained advice from the police. Well done on communicating your concerns and using support.
If you have concerns about a child you can contact the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000
http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-…w-to-contact-us_wda89787.html
You mention that you experienced physical abuse in the past; one possible resource for you could be Victim Support on 0845 30 30 900
http://www.victimsupport.org.uk/
You've said how you have Depression, please do use the support of your GP and the NHS to help you with your depression.
GamCare provides free counselling appointments to help people overcome their gambling problems; do feel welcome to call us on 0808 8020 133 or come through on the Netline, if you would like to find out more about how GamCare can offer support.
Take care,
Adam.
Hi Demar
I just wanted to say thanks for your post. I can also understand what its like living with "the secret". It was my uncle that abused me from as young as 4 until I was 10 and luckily we moved country but what it left behind was a broken child who could trust noone. Fast forward 20 odd years and I realise my self destructive behaviour all stems back to the fact that I never thought I deserved to be happy. I felt like I deserved to be punished. So I gambled my brains out until I couldnt live in the real world and only was happy in that gambling coma.
Well last year I confronted him with his brother(my dad) and he said he is desperately sorry and knew "this day was coming"... blah blah blah. Anyway, I see now that after all the cr** I can now accept I cannot change the past I only have control over how things go from here. I intend to make a better life for my family and myself from now on and that person will not take another minute of my life!
We will support you all the way and never forget you are not on your own
Linda- 43 days free from gambling
Hi everyone
Thank you for the positive responses and I am very happy that I was able to touch people with my story. I feel so much better to know that good is coming out of my bad experiences.
Day 5:
It has been 5 days since I last gambled. I have not had the urge to gamble actual money since then. However, I had the urge to play BlackJack. I downloaded a FREE app without spending any money and played for an hour or so in bed then deleted the app.
I think what I have realised now is that I just love card games in general like BlackJack and I can enjoy it without betting any money. I think what I enjoy about it is the competitiveness and the satisfaction from winning? Any way I don't think any harm has been done as I did not spend any money and I still have no urge to after playing for free.
I also recently stated playing the "UNO with friends" app, which again is another card game which free and can play with other players online. It provides fun and competitiveness.
Day 6: 24th January 2014
Feeling a lot more positive today, still have no urge to gamble and I am confident that I will either never gamble at a casino again or if I do it will be controlled and sensible. At this point I feel more towards never gambling at a casino again.
Day 6: 24th January 2014
Feeling a lot more positive today, still have no urge to gamble and I am confident that I will either never gamble at a casino again or if I do it will be controlled and sensible. At this point I feel more towards never gambling at a casino again.
Day 8: 26/01/2014
It has been over a week since I last gambled any real money. I gambled some FREE money given to me as a promotion but I did not make any deposits and use up any of my own money. Before I would have a huge impulse to deposit some money just to carry on but I did not. I feel strong. I have a counseling session on Tuesday and I am looking forward to reporting how much better I am feeling.
Hi Demar
I have read your posting and what you said has touched me. I am new to this forum and this is day one for me so have not posted yet. But what you said about being addicted when you try and win back what you lose has got through to me as this is what I have been trying to do.
Take care
Deb66
Hi Deb66
I am pleased that I have touched you and I hope my diary has helped you.
At first I found it hard to comes to terms with what I lost and I always kept a hope alive that I would win it all back eventually then I would quite gambling for good. This is not the case and it is a FACT that you will not permanently win back what you have lost. This is because even if you do by a miracle win back everything you lost at one point, by this stage the addiction would have started again and you would eventually end up loosing it all again plus more.
I know it is hard to come to terms with it but you have to let go with what you have lost, that is the first step to recovery. I wish you the best of luck, I know you can do it! :-).
Demar
Hi Demar
Accepting what has gone before is key to my recovery. What has gone has gone and I can do nothing about it. Glad you are moving forward
Take care
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