The promise

Ps You said that when people relapse , its like the green light for you to do the same ! Why look at it like that ?. I use reverse psychology on that one , if people fail it makes me stronger to continue , like taking there energy ? I know its harsh but if they don't need it I'll use it , shame to go to waste my friend !

Take care buddy !

Thanks for being there Alan. Just on way to work now and bloody train got cancelled.

Morning Change,

Isn't it great that you have people like Alan and Dan on here spotting the signs and knowing this is your vulnerable time.

I'm the same as you bud sports betting it was for me. We may be in the minority these days and I am thankful that the FOBT and slots never got a grip of me. It is a different beast but has the same outcome and we all have the same temptations in front of us with online and bookies on every corner where we can itch that itch. The only difference we see sports as all around us on the TV in the papers and friends just casually chatting about it. Just a disclaimer I'm not say the slots and FOBT's have it easy.

One thing I can associate with you is the time you have to fill I spent as much time studying form than I did gambling I had spreadsheets and databases on all sorts I even had one on volleyball as that was often on late at night so I needed to learn about it and got quite good at it.

I would consider before I'd place my big bets. I miss the research I would do the planning it was more than just pressing a button and when things went my way I was proud that I had worked it out more than the money I had won there was skill involved but when it went wrong i would blame it on the ref a stupid line call anything but me very rarely would I say the best team won. When that happened I would go on tilt chase them loses.

Sorry bud that became about me but I'd imagine we did similar things. I know you've tried to fill this void and that seems to have gone on the back burner again or your just not telling us that you have picked the needle and wool up again or any of the other ideas you had this might be a stupid idea you live sport you miss and you thought about doing a blog is it an idea to do one on sport may help you to focus then thoughts elsewhere that might be a stupid idea not sure lol

I suppose what you need to do is look back at your diary at the days before previous slips and what the signs where and why you got round your blocks and make them stronger. There has been a lot of talk on here recently of embracing your recovery I think to do that you have to abstain for a period I suppose like cold turkey. You keep going a minute hour and day at a time and that day will come there no rush and keep leaning on us guys for support. We thrive on helping helping others helps me so it's no inconvenience

KTF

Hi Change

Serious well done for getting through those strong urges you had last night. This is what makes you stronger, riding out those urges, riding them out by telling yourself that they will pass or at least lessen.

You're clearly struggling so this might be difficult to take on board,but can you a) think about what and/or who is important in your life and b) start taking little steps in that direction - can be baby steps.

Sometimes we get consumed in negative thoughts which can send us in a downward spiral of 'mental experiencing'. That's when it can be useful to start doing stuff in the 'real world', stuff that matters to you, and so take yourself 'out of your mind' and move towards actually living again. I find if I can get myself moving in the direction, by doing things which I value, then the urges subside.

Best wishes, you're doing well.

Louis

Hi Change,

Sorry to read that you were struggling last night, but well done for pushing through it. these thoughts do pass, and so does the negativity thst we feel.

Just keep pushing through at this time, even if it's one minute at a time, take those positives again even if they are small, out of the day,

You have been through the mill lately with your little one, but you are doing it, because gambling is a total waste of our time, lives and money, and won't fill that void, it will just make it bigger.

To get the 1 number after a milestone, strengthens us even more, and those negatives get kicked further into the gutter,

Take care and keep yourself safe, your rollercoaster will soon being riding upwards again, just hold on tight :))

Suzanne xxx

Morning my friend , Glad to see you got through the night !

I think Oldhams right to say as I've done in the past that you need to focus on something else , something you find more challenging , sports betting proberbly did take far more study and thought before you placed a wager , where as mine was an instant fix anywhere anytime without thought , you acctually studied form ?.

I think thats where your lifes lacking , its not challenging enough ?.

This place is great for recovery but can also drag us down if we allow ourselves to get too wrapped up in the negative posts and relapses and thats why I had to turn it around to work for me , I too started off by getting down and almost seeing it as a personal failiure when someone would relapse , if you remember back to my episode with toad, I did say that I was considering walking away . I haven't got a magic pill to take that makes it work for me , its just that I turn things around to be positives for me , selfishly some may say but sometimes we need to be selfish and think of our own future .

I see you some days on here posting to every newbie that comes along and you think sometimes thats what you need to help you but maybe it would help to just talk to the longterm survivors , those that have for a better sentence " worked it out " ? , Dan , Dunc's , Suzanne and Odaat are names that spring to mind ?.

Have you thought of looking into CBT ?, I bought a book called CBT for dummies and it may just make you think a bit differently at things , making positives out of negatives , not labeling yourself or others and also deals with depression and gives advice on things you can do to improve yourself and banish those negative thoughts !. I'm not saying its the holy grail but it may help and its usually the people that will most benefit that because of there thinking at the moment would never pick it up !.

Read your early posts , back to the ones when you felt crappy and it all went wrong , understand why your here and where you said you wanted to go , it didnt change back then and only you can stop it happening again now , were all her to talk and support you and your not on your own , all the posts on here this morning are a testement to that my friend and thats whats great we all care for each other !.

You said on here one day that you liked Jess Glynn , " Take me home " ?

" Space will make it better and time will make it heal , you won't be lost forever and soon you will not feel like your haunted , falling " .

True words buddy , Distance from gambling and a bit of time and you'll be good !!

About all day , so speak to you soon or when you need !

Alan

Change.

I don't post on many threads today as I have done in my four years here, I relate wholly to addiction using other folks relapses as a green light to f**k with your mind.

Equally I relate to your writing of replacing one addiction with another my own personal experiences are tackle one at a time, take the most damaging one and make that your priority.

For me it was a cycle of escape

Why gamble? To find myself detached from my own mind and world.

Drink excessively? Ditto

Smoke, well I smoked since I left junior school, it was what everyone in my class did,graduated to senior school by starting to smoke cigarettes and without help I am weak in the presence of that great old god nicotine.

I have used drugs to escape the life around me

And finally I worked twenty hours a day, an equal form of escape.

Escape from what you might ask?

Truthfully my own mind, I have struggled to feel worthy of the life I have and have generally felt truly uncomfortable in my own skin for most of my years, depression the contending factor.

So I have stopped running, I have learnt to ride the storms.

Addiction is there, sitting on my shoulder looking for an in.

What's different today?

Change I have been educated, I know that feeding addiction in any of those forms will just bring damage to my own mind and being.

Threads like yours are a massive help, they are therapy in motion.

A man named Smiler welcomed me here,he wrote a few words.

Today I understand there meaning

'Be kind to yourself'

I have a love for football, it's my sport, boy and man, I watch avidly today and the beautiful thing is the outcome of any match no longer determines the size of loss,I simply enjoy it for the bare bones of what it is, 22 fella's kicking a bag of wind.

I leave you with this

A fella who week in week out Dave god rest his soul never missed a GA meeting for more than 25 years and when asked why he still attended he often replied with a smile

'I am waiting for the day a gambler walks through those doors looking for help to stop them winning!'

There's a thought?

Fella ride those storms of your own, understand why they come to your shore,everyman is an island? .

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back

Change,

Your right, at some stages of recovery you need to be careful and i can completely relate too ''I'm a negative person so some of your thinking is a bit foreign to me. I can't relate to taking a positive spin on reading a relapse. I think I just need to focus on my own diary and a couple other'' So now it is a case with sticking with You and the diarys you feel comforable with.

Two great lines from this forum both old and new is -

1.The Sun goes up, The sun goes down. So very, very true and just like us.

2. Keeping everything in, Keeping everything out. If we bottle our feelings, well they will eventually explode into the gambling mayhem. Keep talking, the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

Strength to you and yours.....

Really really thank you for all your comments and it means an awful lot - I'm not ignoring I just need to digest it all and respond in full when I'm out of the office. Thanks again and I'll post later. Still gamble free. Keep the faith.

some great support and advice for you here change, i am sure i dont have anywhere near the level of experience that the posters like duncan, alan, volcano etc have (Some awesome posts) . Maybe just to let you know I am rooting for you and i can relate to much of what your saying, i still watch sport (soenwhat less than i used to tho), have friends who talk about it constantly, tell me what they are waiting for for their accas, and golf bets and one recently got all excited telling me had this great complimentary night at the dogs, free meal, free drinks in a box, and i was his plus one... wudddnt it be great. He knows im in recovery, to him it was well just come and do the free stuff and dont bet, and i had to say really my head is saying yeah sure i cud do that, but absolutely NO its not worth chancing it.

So getting away from ppl talking about it, it being on telly or adverts etc etc isnt entirely possible, but you do have a choice as to whether to watch it or find other things to do, and ultimately the urges are something you know you have a say over, 50 days choosing not to do it despite it being not an easy thing is something you and your family can be proud of.

keep going strong

Hi again Buddy , just popping on again to say that you have to admit this place can be great ?.

All those great posts from a cross section of CG's all with different issues and different ways of dealing with it but yet we all have one common goal or aim, which brings us together in support of each other !.

If this proves one thing , its that there's never any need to go quiet and deal with these feelings or urges that we all get from time to time , we know from experience that our addictions or habits thrive on secrecy, so to combat that we need to do the opposite and scream and rant and whinge and moan untill we banish the demon's within , everyone without exception gets those days we just need to ready and willing to blow them away !

I'm off to work in a mo but will be around later tonight if you need to catch up my friend !

Thanks for all your fabulous support and comments. I was really struggling still this morning and had to buy a pack of cigs on the way in to take the edge off. I checked my phone at lunch and the responses were amazing and really gave me a huge boost. The afternoon at work went a lot better than other days and I don't think that's a coincidence. I think reading all the messages really reset me and focused my mind.

I've had a really busy day today which has been good. Late train meant I stayed a bit later which meant I got home even later and then straight into feeding my son. This is my first chance to pause.

Oldham - thanks for your comments. It's good to know there are a few sports gamblers as it is a different set of triggers and issues to deal with. I agree totally on the researching point. I really enjoyed that aspect and spent many a train journey pouring over figures (numbers ;-)). I haven't picked up on any of my distraction interests as I've been so down about things I've just wanted to smoke and drink. I think your point about re reading my diary was also mentioned by a few others and is a good starting point for me.

Louis - the most important thing to me is my family and there's no competition. I drop everything to help them. I am very negative and it's been so difficult for me to shift this in my life. At work I bring this side to arguments and so it's known if I think it will work then it's definitely a goer. I have a very repetitive life at the moment. I do the same every day between certain hours i.e. wake train work eat son sleep... I'm struggling slightly with the 'out of your mind' comment - do you mean out of a gambling mindset and into a life mindset or do you mean change your general everyday life? I sort of get the former as I constantly think about my addiction, not necessarily having an urge to gamble, but I can honestly say every hour I will think about my addiction and I'll have flashbacks etc. That would be difficult for me to shift as it's been happening for the whole year I've been trying to quit.

Suzanne - I feel like I'm on the up again after reading all these messages. It really has been very helpful to me and I can't thank you enough. I'm not out of it yet but I'll know tomorrow if i reach for the cigs again that my mind is overcast and not positive.

Alan - I agree about focusing on a few diaries and re reading my own. I think that's really important. Yes I studied form like crazy and got a buzz out of that. I'd place the bets that they generated even though I knew it was floored because they hadn't won the previous 5 weeks. However at the start when I had discipline to staking I successful at it. I know I can't replicate that as I tried and just descended to mad betting. I could lose £50 but be £5000 up and then go on a wild run until the £5000 and another £2000 was gone. That cycle happened over and over so I know I can't do it anymore. CBT has been recommended to me by my employer but it's too touchy feely for me... I may need to revisit that assumption though.

Duncs - it was great to read your post and is told me that I am not alone. Someone else is dealing or has dealt with this exact mix of c**P I am faced with. A cycle of continually hurting myself and my family with full awareness that I am actively damaging myself through smoking drinking gambling and financial ruin. It is just madness and it creates a whirlpool circle as each feeling propels you into the next one and it ramps up and up. Depression booze depression booze and cigs depression bad day at work booze and cigs bad day at work booze cigs shout argue more booze and cigs... gamble... and mix them all in together. You appear a deep thinker and I think that may have hindered but then ultimately benefited you in your recovery. I down have that deep thinking. I am totally a on the face of it thinker so if it's a bad day it's a bad day etc.

Volcano - yes agree totally I could never have taken a positive from that scenario and it's amazing that Alan can do that... I would love to have that perspective. I think being positive would change my life. And yes I need to talk on here if I'm on a downer - these posts have proved that.

Manupnow - staying away from sport is one of the hardest aspects. Take tonight I have deliberately avoided the footy tonight. It would grate me too much right now. I watched some catch up episodes of first dates whilst feeding my son as i find it a very funny and interesting programme. That has distracted me tonight. People at work can be a nightmare as I haven't told them and won't do. It's not appropriate to do so. The hardest part is really late night feeding on weekends or Sunday days. It's just primed for sport and I'm stuck in the house. It's an absolute nightmare. I really need to get back on finding distractions.

Again I can't thank everyone enough. So kind of you all to take time out your days. I have to do this for you all. I'm still not in a positive place but I'm getting there. Keep the faith.

Hello mate ,Glad your back in the room and good rant by the way !

Thought we'd lost you there for a mo and almost got to the point of saying " Talk to me Goose " Lol !.

Look my take on it is that maybe you shouldn't be trying to give everything up at once , it's bad enough to deal with our gambling habit , let alone start dealing with drink and f*g's . Your body can only deal with so much withdrawl at any one time so perhaps just work on cutting down on the booze side of thing's along with the recovery on here ? I only say that simply because alcohol as you know is a depressant and if your feeling down already it's not going to help or solve anything but perhaps keep the ciggie's going until things improve a bit ?.

When I re read your post's from earlier today regarding the sports betting , I thought about all the planning and research that would have gone into your bets and then began wondering why you couldn't use that thinking brain of yours and start up on your own buisiness wise , it would certainly give you a focus and a challenge which is I think whats lacking for you ? and alright its a risk but a lot less risk than what youv'e been doing ! , just a thought anyway !!.

I also don't want you to get the wrong impression about me saying that when people relapse I take a positive , what I was really saying is that , I see that happen and I really don't want it to happen to me , I never want to go back to day one and use that to spur me on in recovery , it helps me , so thats what I take as a positive !.

Anyway I'm glad to see you back good buddy , think you should still consider the CBT book , its only a read and if as you say find it too touchy feely , the put the effing thing down or sell it on your ebay store ?, but it just might make you look at things in a different way ?.

Talk to you soon Goose , Maverick's off to do a fly bye !!!!!!

I think I've found a way to explain how i feel. Imagine a huge dashboard similar to the sort of thing you see at that NASA control centre in Houston. Buttons and levers all over the place. Huge red buttons. Flashing lights. I'm sat in front of this dashboard flashing on and off infront of me.

All these huge red buttons have labels on them:

Buy a pack of cigs

Let your boss get to you

Buy a case of beers

Have a whiskey

Get in an argument

Check the scores, go on check the scores

Go in the bookies

HAVE A BET

Get through the day as fast you can

Avoid eye contact

Look at some form stats

Financial ruin

And my whole day is spent trying to keep the beast at bay and avoid hitting these self destruct buttons. They're screaming at me "press me" "press me now". A huge red button in the middle "HAVE A BET" is right there in front of me all the time.

There are some smaller green buttons hidden by all the bright flashing lights that can afford me some relief but I rarely see them and all day I'm just trying to avoid hitting these buttons. It's really tough and it gets harder rather than easier. I have to pray this is just a phase for me but around this day count it occupies my mind 24/7.

Evening Change

I've taken so much from the support you have had today it just shows why this place works. I think if your prepared to ask for help it floods in. You just have put it into practice and take it on board and be open to change, we can't do that as you well know.

I understand what you mine by having to do this for us but you know where I'm going you need to do it for you and your family but we're happy to be a part of that.

KTF