Friday, funeral day. Went to the funeral of a mate from my youth, only 32 with 4 kids, very, very sad. Funerals are bad enough but when they're so young so much more difficult to deal with. Puts things into perspective. Unfortunately at the moment just makes me feel an even bigger d**k about myself but what's done is doneand however much I'd love to change the past it can't be. Time to move on forward. After the funeral went to see my ex and apologize for the meltdown I'd had the previous night. She was understanding and supportive as usual. Not a day to think about gambling and glad I hadn't as that would've made feel sick seeing as much more important things in life.
Saturday morning. On the way to work had a phone call from my ex to tell me the dog had three fits in the night. The year I've had so far am just waiting for the dog to keel over and die. That's just my luck at the moment, everything and anyone I care for I'm worried about, get to close to me and it seems you're in trouble. Never been one to believe in karma but boy it seems to biting me in the a**e at the moment. Had a go at my ex for not telling me in the night and feel guilty as she doesn't deserve to be put under more pressure. Just don't seem to do myself any favours at the moment. One positive, if I can get through the rest of the day that's a full month gamble free, the first time for a very long time. Small mercies but something to be proud of I suppose.
Managed to get through the rest of Saturday gamble free but it didn't finish a great day. After another two fits had to take my dog to the vets where she was kept in for the night. When I get scared, worry, I tend to do stupid things I wouldn't usually do in normal circumstances and as a result made my ex's afternoon difficult, something I'd promised myself I wouldn't do. Due to this I came probably as close to gambling as I have in the last month. Thankfully I realised this wasn't going to do me any good and resisted the temptation. At least I can spot the danger signs now and am being rational to the fact gambling isn't going to make me feel any better about myself. So one month done roll on my next checkpoint two months.
Sunday. Had one of my best nights sleep probably due to speaking about a few things I'd still not been totally honest about the previous day. Woke up full of optimism although still worried about my dog but heard from the vet that she was fine which was a huge relief. Spent the day at rugby with the kids, my ex and friends and had a great day. My best days are now with friends and family the way life should be rather than the mess it had descended into up to a few weeks ago. Went to pick up the dog and enjoyed a nice evening with a KFC bucket which always goes down well with the kids. Now into my second month gamble free and although there's been plenty of ups and downs life's good at the moment, so much better than it might of been.
Monday. Had a call from the people the doctor referred me to about my one to one counseling sessions which is positive. The dog hasn't had any mo're seizures and no thoughts or inclinations to gamble. So a good day if rather uneventful. The only thing of note was a day at uni and the fact that I've decided to run a marathon! To put this in some context the last proper runI had was around 12 years ago.
Tuesday. Work and uni. So as well as applying for and being accepted to run the Bournemouth marathon for the, Make A Wish Foundation, which I must say I'm rather proud about, although a little nervous, I've also signed up to run the Watford 10k on the 5th of May. Might be biting off more than I can chew but I love a challenge, it brings the best out of me I think. So considering I'm currently smoking around 20 a day time to start some training! Nice to have something to focus my efforts on and glad to say another day gamble free.
Wednesday. Got up and started my training for the marathon with my first run in many years. Made it a fairly challenging one to start with, Harrow to Watford. Seeing as I hadn't done anything like this for a while made sure I gave myself plenty of time, allowed 2 hours for it which I hoped would be sufficient. Set off and to my surprise managed it (3.3 miles) in a time of 31 minutes. A lot quicker than I'd anticipated and also not half as bad as I'd thought it'd be, even considered running a little further but decided not to over do it.
Had my induction meeting with the one to one counselor which I've mixed feelings about. Was expecting to see them for the first time before starting a weekly meeting. After speaking for 45 minutes about my problems in which I was as honest as I possibly could be at the end the very nice lady turned round and said there was no reason for them to see me again as she felt I was doing everything I could for myself already. They are sending me some things to do with self help, coping strategies etc but that's it. This was a bit of a shock as I'd been looking forward to having someone to pour my heart out to each week but that isn't going to happen now. I'm pleased that she reckons I'm doing really well but I did think maybe I should have not been as positive as it was something I thought would be a considerable help. I suppose I'll just have to have more faith in myself as I do realise I've come a hell of a long way already but it would've been nice to have that extra support.
The rest of the day was spent with my kids and ex , didn't really get to do much as the kids were playing the computer constantly but still every moment I do get with them is now cherished the way it should. Always hard having to leave them behind and go back to my nans where I'm staying at the moment but left with a smile on my face after a good day. Gamble free and determined to stay that way.
Thursday. Slept like a log after my run the previous day and found it quite hard to drag myself out of bed to go to work. Once at work though was full of beans and although was feeling a few muscles which I'd previously forgotten about felt really good. This may be down to the fact I'm buoyed by my decision to do something worthwhile but will really find out tomorrow, I'll either be fine or my body might be a mess, will just have to wait and see. Hopefully it'll be the prior as I intend to go for another run tomorrow just hope my body doesn't disagree!
During work exchanged a few texts with my ex which made me laugh, she had a free day and apparently after being inspired by myself had gone down the gym. She then went from the gym to the pub for an all day drinking session in the sunshine. All right for some.
Finished work and headed to uni which was alright until trying to get home when some poor person had decided to throw themselves under the train in front of us. I know how low I've been before and my thoughts go out to their family because that's devastating news for anyone to receive. Thankfully I'm well past that now and am confident of not being in that position again. Life's good and even when it isn't so great it will get better eventually you just need to believe.
Friday. No work and no uni, a free day. Free days tend to be the most difficult as there's nothing to fill the day with.
Thankfully my body wasn't feeling too bad and so decided to go on my second run in preparation for the marathon. Again ran from Harrow to Watford exactly the same run as before, had intended to go a little further but a couple of minutes into it knew I was asking too much of my body to go any further just yet. My legs were fine but my core muscles round my stomach were not impressed and letting me know it.
Managed to do the 3.3 miles in 30.26 minutes over a minute quicker than my previous run, so was rather pleased.
Went out with my ex for a meal in the evening which was really nice. Glad to still be able to enjoy her company even if it is a little strange, really good end to the day. Over 5 weeks gamble free now.
Saturday. Worked during the day, which was very busy.
Not a great deal to report, stayed at my ex's seeing as I had to relinquish my bed at my nans due to my sister and her husband staying over night before they flew out to South Africa the next day.
Had a few drinks in the evening and a relatively early night. Just a nice evening, watched some tv and went to bed a happy person. Sad to say I've probably learnt more about my ex and her me in the last month or so compared to the last few years. Amazing the difference talking can make, pity there's nothing I can do about the past just have to make sure I don't make the same mistakes in the future.
Sunday. Took my boy down to his rugby coaching and watched him play as well as I've ever seen. Really pleasing to see him putting the effort in and doing as he was told rather than messing around like he usually does. At the end he won player of the day which was truly deserved and it made me feel really proud of him. Had a few drinks down the club afterwards and was a good morning. Have definitely been drinking a bit more than should be though.
Went to meet my ex at the pub afterwards and unfortunately the day took a turn for the worse. Nice to see a few friendly faces I hadn't seen for a while but the day did end on a sour note.
After making it very apparent that we'd spent too much time together over the previous few days left not in the best of moods. We have talked many times recently about trying to give each other space however we seem to just go round and round in circles.
After speaking to her once I'd got home after a couple more drinks in the pub went to bed. Gamble free day but a bit up and down.
Monday. Had nothing planned and so had a nice long lay in.
Left to go to uni in the afternoon and after going to work to try and print some work off for my uni course which I couldn't do due to directors being at work decided to ring my ex and see if her printer was working. This was a bad idea. Although my intention was only to ask about the printer ended up in yet another deep conversation about us, and said some things I really regret. I basically tried bullying her into saying what I wanted to hear about our situation which was never going to end well. I know she still has feelings for me but at this rate they aren't going to last long, made her cry yet again which i hate.
Went off to uni and all I could think about was how much of an idiot I'd been and was feeling rather sorry for myself and her.
Gave her a call afterwards to apologise and had a chat about how this can't carry on. We're both ending up getting hurt continuously and as much as I don't want to lose her for good we just couldn't carry on the way we were. We've agreed to stop seeing each other properly now. It's hard due to the situation with both our kids but it's for the best although tough. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I hope this'll be the case but even if it isn't at least it'll be me starting my life without her which is going to have to happen at some point. I hope me not being around will help her sort her life out just like I'm trying to do, after all the majority of her problems stem from what I've put her through. I wish her the best in everything she does.
Sometimes I feel gambling is the least of my problems but at least I can say it's another day gamble free.
Tuesday. Worked went to uni and then to the gym.
Work was fairly busy and as tedious as ever but decided on joining the gym as this should help me with my marathon training. Joined the easygym in Oxford street after looking at the online tour and was really impressed with it. This is roughly 10minutes walk from my university and so not too far to go after or before my lessons.
Had one of my last lessons before my exams in a couple of weeks time. That was good due to a new tutor who is a banker by day and is a very engaging and captivates his audience, he obviously knows what he is talking about, unfortunately not all of my lecturers come across that way.
Went to the gym for my first session and absolutely loved it, pity I hadn't done this years ago as it might of been a help in combating my gambling. Never mind what's done is done, glad to be doing it now.
Good day altogether and no gambling, probably going to be a little sore tomorrow though.
Hi Stu,
Just a little note to say well done and sounds like you are getting back on track and really focused.
Your strength inspires me as you are a little further on in your journey than me so far.
Hope the running continues to go well!
Yes, well done Stu - it looks as if you are well on the way with your positive actions. Good luck with your uni course and your ongoing efforts in all areas of your life.
Wednesday. Had a good, long lay in bed as had no work, didn't surface until after midday. I'd woken up earlier however due to the fact it felt like my arms were going to fall off after my gym session the night before decided to go back to bed.
Took my ex's boy with me to watch my son play a school rugby match which he did really well in. Then went down to the park for a while and got both the kids on the outside gym equipment there which was rather funny. Let's just say they don't use it quite as it's supposed to be used got some good photos though.
Went back to my ex's and had some dinner, a little strange but after another talk everything was fine. Watched the football and got the train back to my nans.
Not a bad day even if the majority of it was spent in bed. No gambling or thoughts of it to speak about.
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