The Name of the Ghost

I love this my friend. I’ve been in this situation. I’ve been held back. Temptation can take you there or you can fight back. You are here and still gamble free. Legend

I’ve done the thing my country part. Big respect for you for wanting it do it. War is not nice. Been there, seen the people die. Not nice, but sometimes it’s needed. It’s a leveller. Makes you think about life differently. If I’m honest I came back with more issues than I left with. In hindsight; war made me gamble more. I wanted escapism. I needed a place to go. It’s not a nice place. On the plus side, it’s hard to gamble at war, so it might give you the opportunity to get a few moths under your belt.

You are smashing it mate. Keep the fight going. Do what you have to do, but as much as I respect your thoughts of going to war, I don’t think it will help. Mentally it’s not a good thing. If you can’t avoid it I highly recommend it!

Stay strong 💪 

Thanks, mate, for your message. I appreciate your kind words, but I don’t feel like I deserve them much, as it was more of a desperate decision — one I will have spent more time thinking about. In general, I’m not sure how much I can elaborate on this topic due to the forum’s policy, so I won’t go any further. But gambling has become a massive issue among the guys on the frontline, so much so that the government had to step in and regulate the whole situation.

Stay strong.

Day 1: On day 111, I failed. It was a completely unnecessary relapse. That's how I felt about it then, and that's how I feel now. It happened last week, and this week I decided to do a sort of weekly digital detox, similar to what I did in May, which I really benefited from. But the poisonous thought of logging into one of the sportsbooks to convert the bonus started lurking in my mind. Anyway, I've broken my streak, so I felt like I had nothing to lose.

I won’t go into details, as our forum is sensitive, and I’m responsible for what I share. I was wagering those bonuses from Tuesday to Friday. From 11 AM until almost 6 AM sometimes. Lying on the couch all day, betting on events, watching them live, and watching comedy TV series I love in between to relieve some tension from my psyche. I was wagering bonus money, so don’t take me as an incorrigible gambler.

Today, October 19th, is my day one because all the bonuses have ended, and it’s time to return to the real world. I gained financially, but talking about my overall and mental health, I got hurt. My stomach was in pain, I didn’t sleep well, didn’t eat well, barely trained, didn’t write or read anything. I can say this was a radical representation of the gambler's life.

I didn’t enjoy it at all and don’t look forward to going back there. I really hope this was an illustrative example of the life I don’t want to have. But only time will tell how I’ll react to this.

During my previous gf run, I felt like I was seeing signs, and I thought I would remain gf forever. In reality, there are no symbols and no magic. Only everyday commitment. The ability to perceive life as it is and enjoy simple things. The ability to stand firm through fluctuations in stress. How you work on yourself.

But I was also thinking of my streak as an accomplishment. If I was able to stay clean for this long, I'm not the kind of person who will fall back into that illusory world anymore. I know I am able to live without it again.

I was thinking of how I was ahead of most of the fellow forum members in gf days, the guys I tried to support. And now I’m falling behind everyone. But at the end of the day, progress isn’t about where I am compared to anybody else, but where I am compared to where I started.

No new threads, no starting from scratch. I'm continuing what I began on May 14th, when I finally found the strength to overcome my addiction. Now I need some time to recover and to rebuild my routines. I appreciate the work I was doing much more now and feel a deep hunger to continue moving forward. Everything will be alright.

Now, I’ll pick a good film and relax.

Take care.

Mate, I love your posts. They are so honest and insightful, and to me, educational. The strength you show in coming back is a testament to you as a person. 

Day 111, 1 day tempted back. It’s not the end, it’s the new beginning, but with a whole load of experience under your belt. You know you got this. You know you can beat this. After 100 days the complacency sets in. You’ve seen this, you now regicide it. Next time, jump on here, jump in the chat room. One moment of weakness does not make a man. 111 days gf makes a man. Don’t beat yourself up. You’ve shown so much strength and resilience. Time to show some more. 

Stay strong mate 💪

@p6z38njbqm This gf run really encourages me to start over and move forward. I was thinking about visiting chat rooms, but I'm anxious about it and never gave it a go. Now is really the time to show strength and resilience. Thanks, mate.

Day 0: It was bound to happen because after you win some, your mindset shifts a bit. After I withdrew what I won in bonus events, I put 25% on deposit, saved the amount I needed for the course I was saving for, spent another 25% on stuff, and left 50% hanging on my card. For almost a week, I couldn't figure out how to use it.

Today, I finally found a way to use it. As weird as it may sound, I feel relieved because I no longer have dirty money on me, and my balance isn't lower than it was on day 111, so I can move forward unhurt (luckily) and with a sober mind (hopefully). On the other hand, this could be one of the unconscious reasons for gambling - to lose money and feel self-pity. And I failed to resist it.

Massive experience to learn from. It’s literally the best thing I can do now. It’s also time to analyze the things I’ve been writing here and do some of the things I’ve been avoiding.

A week ago, for the first time in 4 years since I got into debt trouble, my bank gave me a credit limit on my credit card. It happened because I started responsibly saving money in the previous months, and the bank algorithm noticed it. I wasn’t using that money for gambling and believe it adds an extra layer of responsibility on me, like reaching the next level.

A lot of plans for the next months. There will be a lot of hard work to do and tough decisions to make. Now I feel like the zone of turbulence has ended, and with gritted teeth, it’s time to get back to work.

Take care, guys. It was a big embarrassment to write this, but I can’t expect any progress if I lie to myself or hide the reality from this thread.

Good morning, guys. It's the first day of winter, so a great occasion to add another post to my diary. Today marks the 39th day of being gambling-free for me. I find it interesting that after my last failure, paradoxically, unlike my previous experiences of abstaining from gambling, this time with weaker blocks and money on my card I was never tempted to relapse.

My explanation for this intermediate success is that many of the things I was thinking about and reading have been internalized. As well as my October gambling experience harmed me but, in a way, also cleansed me. Another important factor was the bank giving me a credit limit on my card. I accepted this as a big responsibility, as imagining the damage losing that money would cause forced me to take things more seriously.

Exposing myself to some classical art also lifted my soul a little bit. I’d like to believe it helped me grow as a person, moving me a bit further away from being a gambler.

In terms of building discipline and developing as a programmer, I didn’t progress enough to feel satisfied. Again. Hopefully, this month will be more productive.

It’s very heartwarming to see my forum friends continuing to succeed in our shared yet deeply personal journey. Whatever the future holds, we are doing the best thing we can.

🤠

Always loved your posts mate and I think you have hit the nail on the head again. There comes a time when we need to learn discipline. For me it came from day one. I have a work phone. I can easily gamble on this. The thought of doing that fills me with dread and knowing the option is there actually helps me. I genuinely feel fearful picking my work phone up, but it fills me with such confidence and assurance knowing I have that option there and I’m not taking it. All of us will have a time when we need to get back to being normal human beings. For some it will come slowly, for others it will be a help in their recovery. It’s all about finding that right time.

You are smashing it buddy. Keep it going, and keep the posts going.

Stay strong 💪 

Thank you mate)