Day 1!
Good afternoon to you all,
I am not new to this site, and I've had quite a good diary going for a while, probably a couple of years ago I stopped updating it.
Creating a diary helped me stop gambling for a good 6 months, which helped me get my life back on track, so I'm hoping to do the same again.
A little history for anyone that is interested:
I'm 25, I've always really had money, and always had an aim to have my own house. If I had never started gambling, I honestly could have bought my own house out-right by now.
The most I've lost in a session is probably the 700 mark, which isn't alot compared to some people here, but I think I lose money more often than most.
Some people lose money, get the sinking feeling and leave it alone for a couple of weeks. I think my sinking feeling only lasts a couple of days at most, then I'm back on it.
Slots are my downfall, Blackjack etc bores me. I like the idea of winning a jackpot, and in my history of gambling I haven't won a jackpot, or even walked away with 5x my deposit, which makes me wonder why the hell I do it in the first place?
I'm going to be honest, I'm not really here for support, I'm here to note my thoughts down and hopefully help someone who stumbles across my page.
The worst bit about gambling is I have nothing to show for it. I could be down the pub with my friends, one of them has a new jacket which everyone likes and I'm thinking.. "If only you boys knew how much I just blew last night, I could buy 5 of those jackets if I wanted". But why would I tell them? It's embarrassing, it's shameful and it's gradually turning me into a hermit sitting in my room, becoming miserable and fat.
I have a girlfriend, she knows about my gambling and would like it if I stopped. Whether I tell her about this diary, I don't know.
Gambling turns me into this manipulative, depressed and boring person. I've sat for a whole day watching an autospin on a slot machine.. how can something so boring hold my attention? Gambling isn't for less intelligent or poor people.. I think it's for people who used it to fill a hole, whether it was spare time you had, or that thrill you were seeking. For me it's always been about the thrill of winning the money.
When I had quit for 6 months before, it was literally like a fresh breath of air, and I'm really hoping I can find this new life again.
So here's to day 1!
Regards,
iAN
Hi Ian,
Ok you are not here for support as you say, then just let me tell you a story. It is the story about somebody your age who wasn't stupid, just like I wouldn't call you stupid. The person I'm talking about was actually more than not stupid, he was quite gifted with all sorts of talents and his family and many friends told him again and again how talented he is not only he was a hard worker and he earned good money but also he could paint really good pictures in all dimensions and he was not famous but he was quite a good musician kids loved him because he was a funny guy many girls loved him because not only was he a singer in a band but also he was good looking. What else could a lad like him ask for ?
There was just this one thing with him yes he gambled on slot machines seeking the big win.
But when ever he won a bit he decided that it was not enough, he just wanted more and ended always up with nothing.
His grief to hit the jack pot kept him believing one day he will hit the jackpot and when ever there was any money he could think about nothing else but the hack pot.
Over the years most of his friends decided that they don't want to hang out with him anymore because he borrowed money and didn't payed it back and when it was about to pay the rent for the rehearsal room he found excuses why he couldn't pay it and finally he got kicked out if the band. And at any point he was all on it's own because there was nobody left who wanted to be with him.
Sad story isn't it ?
Rubbish ! And I'm aloud to say this because it's my story.
Fact is that it took me nearly another 15 years of destruction before I've realised that it was not me my friends didn't want to be with but my destructive addiction.
Actually I had the jack pot all along and I'm greatful that I got the jack pot back is it here or at home nothing is bigger then the love of friends and family.
I could carry on now but I don't really think it's necessary.
Just have a think mate and then read you story again and who knows maybe you think then different.
Take care and good luck
Wolfgang
Hi Wolf,
Thanks a lot for your message, I appreciate it.
I apologise if I've said something in my opening message which offended you in anyway, it wasn't my intention.
The reason why I said I wasn't here for support is the fact I've had huge amounts of support here, and I know where I've gone wrong and what I need to do to overcome this. I didn't mean no one has anything good to say, or can help me, when in actual fact it couldn't be further from the truth.
I'll keep an eye on your diary Wolf.
Cheers,
iAN
hi , I want to just say , as it struck a cord with me, I have been there in the pub the day after the night before, when people have mentioned buying a house saving for a deposit or something buying or bought whatever , and have thought also that's nothing ive just wasted ten times ect that much last night but not thinking in a good way also like you thinking in a shamefull way , I have also sat there for day after day hour after hour using auto spin on roulette , god how boring but at the time it wasn't like you aswell the thrill of winning the money , I thought I had systems that won , sometimes they did for months then bang all gone again plus original stake , then the chase then much more lost , sorry for my ramble its just your comments have really bought back some of the worst times of my life , and for that I thank you lots , because this reminds me why I must not gamble , seriously thankyou I needed that , as urges have got stronger lately . for yourself I think you know what to do get serious with this habbit destroy or give your debit card to somebody this has really helped me , self exlude ect.. ect. be strong and together we can beat this , lets win by beating this habbit, thanks simon
Hi again Ian,
I'm not feeling offended in any way through your post and Simon just said what I couldn't say any better. Your post is very helpful for me because it brings back to me how I have been and don't want to be ever again. This means not I've been a bad person or would ever think that you are mate. I was controlled by my addiction I lived in my own dark and lonely world and lost totally the view for the reality there was just gambling or depression. Not the right place to be as I do know now.
And it is just like Simon says let's beat it together we can do this
With respect
Wolfgang
Thank you Tryer and Wolf for your messages.
I'm glad my post has taken you back and reminded you of why you're stopping in the first place. Keep it up!
Day 2
Not surprising today has been pretty easy. It's always easy for me to forget about gambling so early after a big loss, but I'm determined.
I lost alot of money a couple of nights ago, all I could do was laugh. How bad is that? I was kidding myself thinking I didn't care, but when I thought about how much work I had to do to get that money back, it really hit home. So hard to earn, so easy to lose.
Everytime I think about gambling, I'm going to think about the sinking feeling I get straight after a big loss. No more money to draw out from my bank, that time I know I need to walk away and recover until the next time. This time there will not be a next time - I've really had enough.
It's time to finally be happy. Embrace life, enjoy what it has to offer.
In the future I see I have two choices. From this moment forward, I'm going to either remember all the amazing times I'm about to have, all the things I'm going to buy, all the things I'm about to do, or I'm going to look back, wonder why I spent my 20's sitting on my own, watching a slot or roulette graphic on my monitor for years on end. Give me a choice now, I'd take back the 5 or so years and the money I've lost of course.. but I can't. I'm just hoping on my life I'm not saying the exact same thing in 5 years to come.
Here's to a gamble free day!
Cheers!
iAN
Day 3
A very long day at work today, but tomorrow is Friday!
This is a big weekend for me. Payday & the first weekend since I have started my journey. It would be nice if I actually had a little money left at the end of next month!
I'm going to try and keep busy this weekend, keep my mind off gambling. Maybe a little alcohol, but not too much, we all knows what happens when we feel a little confident!
If I don't update tomorrow, I will over the weekend.
Have a good a gamble free weekend!
iAN
Day 5
Walked past a bookies earlier this morning, they were never my thing. I did play with FOBT's but soon got bored luckily. Had a quick peak in and saw every machine taken up. That was at 10am?! Imagine waking up and going straight to the bookies on a Saturday and losing a weeks money by lunchtime. I felt sorry for them, but you never know, they might be able to control it.
Still no urges yet, had a letter this morning with an online deal for a casino, but ripped it up and put it in the bin.
The weekend will definitely be gamble free for me!
I hope everyone is doing well.
iAN
Day 6
A good weekend of no gambling, my first of many I hope.
I was bored this weekend, now I'm no longer chucking my money away, I need to find a new hobby to fill this time.
I have an expensive month coming up, and I'm still recovering from the loss of last week. Hopefully after this next month I'll be back on my feet.
It will be a week tomorrow from when I last bet! Woo!
iAN
Day 7
So this is my first full week of not spending a penny!
I have cancelled all lottery tickets, I'm just really hoping I can make it to the end of this month with the money I have, I wouldn't like to have to get any more from elsewhere.
I feel quite exhausted really. I keep on thinking more about gambling than when I did when I was doing it. It's kind of turned into the forbidden fruit, one which I don't want to taste again that is.
I've been living by a quote which I recently heard, which really hit home it's:
"The only thing standing between you and your goal is the bulls**t story you keep telling yourself as to why you can't achieve it"
It's exactly right for me and I keep reminding myself of it.
Happy Monday!
iAN
Day 8
The days are definitely getting longer for me, but a nice 3 day weekend ahead which I'm looking forward to.
Starting my second week strong, and still have little to no urges to gamble at the moment.
It's starting to get to the point where I'd have a gamble again, where it's been just enough time from my last major loss, but this time I'm not going to do it.
iAN over and out!
Hello Ian
Yeah the thoughts keep coming don't they? that's ok just don't act on them
keep positive and making the right choices
keep in touch
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