When I gambled everyday to my hearts content I never realized just how much my thoughts and actions were all so focused around gambling.
Today I was in a shop contemplating buying a pair of shoes. I was reluctant to spend the money with no justification at the time. Later on in the day I have had the most incredible urges to gamble. This voice in my head has been nagging 'just 50 you will be alright' . I have come so close to giving in it has scared me.
Did I subconsciously not by those shoes because I had secret plans for that 30 that suddenly became 50. Back in the days of gambling this is how I was, I would not buy anything because this ghastly habit was all I could spend money on?
I have not given into the urges but it made me think how easy and quickly it happens. I was in the car off to find a secret location. I stopped turned around and sat in the car. Why am I feeling the urge to escape to a fantasy land where the only ending is self destruction?
I feel awful I do not want to talk to anyone or listen to anyone I just want to escape. I went for a swim this morning and usually this makes me feel positive for the day. I was just so angry with everyone in the pool. I have so much anger it scares me.
I need to talk myself out of this self destructive mode. I need to focus on positives and get to that even keel place where calmness prevails!!
Hi there
know so clearly what you mean, the need to escape and the mind games we play with ourselves while that balance in life evades just out of reach.
This is such a good place to offload the anger and where no one will judge or criticise, can be really cathartic to just let it all out.
xxx
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