This has to be the end

If you've told yourself you are going to quit and you really mean it and I mean really mean it... then you will do it. I never really wanted to quit. Then I went to GA and meet all the other people at different stages of recovery... I had to look at myself in the mirror and say enough is enough. Past is gone can't do anything about it... it may hurt but that's the memory you need to tell you not to do it again. Think positive and commit to quit.

Hi Lost,

Welcome back to the sanity of this forum, and thanks for dropping by on my diary.

You have to really really want to stop my friend, you say you on the edge,look down at all the S***e,misery and everything gambling has given you and then step back, just needs one small step,

You need every barrier,block and everything else in place to prevent you from gambling. The triangle is a very good tool,

Time

Money

Location

You just have to take one away and it's impossible to play.

You can do this, recovery is the only way to go forwards, let the losses go, you will never win enough to get them back, because you cannot win because you cannot stop.I know I cannot start again because I will not stop.

Only you my friend can do this, but you have my support 100%, I will support you all the way.

The support I have received on here has been amazing and essential to help me with my recovery, we can't do this on our own.

Don't think too far ahead, one day at a time with everything, and stuff will start to fall into place.

To start this journey we do have to be totally honest with ourselves and I know it's hard to to our partners too, (if you can do that)

My OH calls this site my bible, and he is soo right, it is a godsend.

Time to look after YOU now, starve the bloody addiction, and start really living again, it's never too late,

As I have said I will support you all the way and am happy to do so.

Take care

Suzanne xx

Hi Lost my life...Not that you have yet! Sad to hear you so desperate but glad you are back! You are only 58 years old & have some working life in what may feel like old bones @ the moment! You have been here recently & slipped back chasing what seemed to have been a good run of coming out up...We can't win because ultimately we can't stop! If you don't let go of what you have lost you will not be able to move forwards with your recovery! I get that you miss it, I lost 30 years of free time to the devil & did not want to give up but sites like this showed me that the only happy gambler is one in recovery! & hell yes, I do know how daft that sounds but win or lose whilst gambling, all a gambler can think about is gambling more! Here in recovery, we notice all the little things that give us pleasure that mean nothing to many!

The money is gone but you still have your future! You may not get to own a little cottage but if you're desperate to get away, you can cut coupons & get cracking deals through a National newspaper for about £50!

Great start yesterday & welcome back! You can do this - ODAAT

You are most welcome! I'm glad to see you posting your support, hopefully coming back here will provide a bit of a distraction for you!

You can do this you know, you just have to believe in you - ODAAT

Hi to everyone, it's 23.35 uk time 19.2.15 late i guess, if you are on this site now (like me) i guess you have (had) a gambling problem ...................................... so, admit it, i am/you are here/reading this/ because you want to change, you don't wan't a gambling habit, well i have come to my rock bottom and I am going to change, I had my last bet online at Brokes on Tuesday 17th February 2015 at 23.10 uk hours, since then there's been a lot of tears, much muddled head thinking, but I am functioning as a human just, it can only get better as far as anxiety and depression and lack of funds go: so if you are up and reading this, it's time for change, lets go to a better place. Night to you all - Paul

These 1st few days are the worse...I couldn't even crawl out of bed & had to pull time off from work! Check me out now, in recovery after about 3 decades & I've never had a single regret about recovery other than why didn't I find it sooner!

You've found the better place...Keep fighting Paul - ODAAT

Morning Paul

3 days already well done for making that change, don't think too far ahead, one day at a time slowly but surely is the way forwards.

Stay strong and determined and win again today.

Suzanne xx

Thanks for your postings Suzanne and ODAAT, I am grateful really grateful, ............................. But the pain of what I have done over the last six years is now beginning to hit home ............................. I was in an a very good financial position in 2009, I am now ruined ................................. the actual feelings this situation brings to me are un-describeable, i feel that all the hard work of the last 40 years has gone, it was pointless, so in effect gambling has taken my life away and the security I built for myself gone.

Not sure what will happen next .......................... will the pain get worse as I re-alise I can't afford the things I want/need. Will I have to hide behind the curtains in my small house, because my shoes have holes in them and I don't want the rain to wet my socks. That's what's gambling can do to you - thousands into a spinning roulette wheel computerised system - but your shoes have holes in them. Utter despair - Paul

I too had holes in my shoes Paul. My hair went uncut my teeth were falling out for those things didnt matter as much to me as the sanctuary & peace i thought i found in the spin of a reel. I had to face my truth. Yes it was painful but from there sprung hope. A hope that came from that truth i faced was that what i was doing to help me escape my pain was not & would not work for me. My solutions had to be discarded, my way of thinking about myself & my life had to be reconstructed. There are many paths & choices out there for you that can change your life around. It will take courage & most importantly commitment from you but it can be done. Get out there Paul make today the day you take charge back of you

It hasn't taken away your life, you are still here & it cannot do anymore damage if you keep choosing 'No'! The realisation sucks & maybe stuff you want may have to fall by the wayside but the stuff you need, you will be able to get via foodbanks if necessary! My mum doesn't wash, her false teeth that I paid for don't fit in her mouth because she has no time to eat! She is in her 60's but I know if she could just find a way onto this path or recovery, she would figure out what life is about!

You dealt with the pain gambling caused you just as you will find a way to deal with the pain realisation will bring! Does your partner know about all this? It may be that you are worrying about the money a hell of a lot more than you need to because to our partners, generally our time & love is more important!

You can't change tomorrow, only today so just for today, be strong, choose 'No'! You can worry about your wet socks when the time comes!

You can do this - ODAAT

Hi diary, have to bring this out in my diary forum, I reached rock bottom Tuesday 17th February 2015, about the six/seventh time I came on here to start the road to recovery. I have to put down in print what I did so the stupidity is there for me to see forever.

Had been playing the bookies 'fotbs' for two/three weeks again, built up a sum of £3300. I again for the umpteenth time thought I could control this - take a little everytime if I lose £300.00 walk, start again tomorrow.

Tuesday 17th boring at work, could do with a new rugby shirt from Sports Direct, lets go wobal's they can pay for it. Invest £300.00, 10% return, no problem. In goes £300.00, can tell straight away roulette is not giving to-day, however as usual game gives you your full stake money back after a fight and a lot of spins. Not enough for me put in £700.00 cash in back pocket, easy get back to 1000.00, we know what happens, all gone 20 minutes. The red mist is starting to take over, trying to walk back to work, angry (took me 3/4 visits to get that £300.00) so back to work mm .................................... pass Pills shop, maybe a £1000.00 in there could get me back ???? start off well, five minutes up to £1,560.00 do I take it no i can get to £2,000.00 easy, we all know what happens, all gone 15 minutes. The red mist is getting really thick now, really P....d off now, i know i'll throw a half day's sickie (never done that for 25 years) and go casino Tuesday afternoon, win back my £K2, last time i turned £K1.5 into £K4.5 easy money.

So off i go cash in hand, card in wallet, they welcome me in would you like your own £5 roulette table sir, drink sir? So here's goes, £1000.00 gone , £300.00 gone, £1000.00 gone , draw another £2000.00 on card gone. Sunk gutted crawl to my car, see a Sainsburys cash machine surely £500.00 will allow me a chance, back in, 2 minutes out £4,800.00 down in two hours, 16 months savings at the best gone in 120 minutes.

Back home 30 minutes head in hands do I quit no, start to ring up all on-line casinos I have previously shut, eventually brokes re-open my account, I can recover this deposit large win big, in goes £2000.00 (mindset says i need £K10 to draw even) i get to £6500.00 do I take it no ..................................................... just deposit another £4100.00 to try and recover, at a loss of £12,900.00 over six hours, I quit. Took me at best 3@half years to save that.

The figures are listed here not saying look at me 'mr big gambler', its so when I read this day after day after day. the stark reality of my stupidness will be there in black and white for me. The memory must not be allowed to dull, guard up from now on forever.

Good-night diary, may this serve as a reminder for all but most importantly me what chasing losses means.

Anybody ever paid £12,900.00 for a rugby shirt they never got ?

Ouch 🙁 & no I didn't but I paid a lot more over the years for a hell of a lot of nothing!

You were smashed in quick succession but to be fair, you would have ended up here anyway had you not quit gambling! Would you rather it was now or in a few more months time? Slowly, slowly draining the life out of you, letting you get closer & closer to retirement! Addiction is a vile nasty thing that has hurt you like you never wanted to be hurt but it may have done you a favour because slow & less painful, you may not have seen it coming! Good on you for writing it down for everyone to see just how punishing gambling can be! Use it as you say to move forwards making the right choices...Carry it with you if you need to but don't let it define you! It's gone, the damage will help you move forwards!

We will be right there alongside you - ODAAT

Morning Paul,

4 days today, well done, small steps, each day will strengthen your resolve,

Keep going stay strong and keep safe Winning by abstaining is soooo much saner

Suzanne xx

paul

fella i can emphasise with those loses,I without doubts left home to get 'milk or a paper' on many occasions during my gambling life to return witn niether and a ruined bank balance.

the financial losses then lied about to my wife,that act far worse than the monetary loss.

The doors of recovery revolve my friend.

my advice to you, give recovery as much time and effort as you did your gambling

without doubt you will see a difference.

abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.