This has to be the end

Hi Diary, thanks to everyone who has posted on my diary so far and offered support. Tonight is different for me, normally i am on my way home from my girlfriends and right now i would have been stepping into pills in the north of england to gamble on roulette via FOTB'S. But tonight I am home and the gambling has finished she has gone home and i am left alone apart from work for another week. My thoughts tonight strangely are a bit more positive, maybe the time we spend together stimulates me into being a happier better person. The gambling 'this time' is over - I am frightened for my financial future because being in my late fifties 'time' to repair the damage is short. I have finally accepted the losses are gone, and I cannot win them back, because if I start, I cannot stop gambling. The issue from now on, is dealing with the emotional aftermath of wrecking one's finances. Thoughts to follow regarding that.

Hi, good skills coming home tonight & good to hear you sounding stronger 🙂

I await your next chapter! Be strong & keep making the right choice - ODAAT

Morning Diary, at work, actually walked to work through the cold northern streets of England, I do this on a regualar basis, iniatially to drive my endorphins up before work to face a crappy day, however now it is for financial reasons, saving 6 miles of fuel per day. At the office, at my computer, feeling sad, depressed un-motivated, the losses of six years eating away at my unstable thought processes. Where do I go from here, gambling is over I know that, will I ever be able to accept the losses, move on and be happy again. Its so tough, see you later Diary.

Dear Paul,

Really feeling for your today buddy. I wish I could say something to help you feel better but I appreciate that it will take more that a pep talk. I know the long walk to work to save a few quid only and the daunting prospect of a long day at work only too well. Really want to say that if you abstain things will get better (and they most probably will) but in the cold light of day I know this is hard to see. Try and stick in there and know that we are all behind you.

Mark

Many thanks Mark, for your top support, i intend to abstain, that is paramount to survival. I will post to you at some-point in the future when the bleakness begins to disappear.

Morning Paul,

Day 6 today well done, the first 2 weeks can be very hard as we come to terms with what we have done, but it will get easier it takes time, change can't be instant, but slowly changes in your thoughts will happen every day, you won't see them every day, but every day you abstain you will get stronger.

Try and take one positive out of a negative every day, even if it's only a small one, like say today, I have saved money today, instead of thinking I have to to walk to save money, or I have won again today I have not got into any more debt today.

Just turning small negatives into small positives every day, will slowly help change your mindset, and as time goes by those big negatives can be also turned into big positives.

It is not a quick fix, but slowly but surely you will get slightly stronger every day.

I had to sell my car 4 years ago due to gambling, and now to have (our car lol) once or twice a week is such a luxury, I used to take driving everywhere for granted, but now when I have the car, it feels great to be behind the wheel lol, and it gives me such a positive vibe.

The last 6 days are the worst you will feel, it will get easier, and your moods will be changing like the weather, thst is why I call my recovery a rollercoaster ride.

Just take everything slowly, stay strong and find positives, even if they are very small they will help

You will probably feel different again tomorrow.

Stay strong and keep going forwards.

Suzanne xx

Hi again Paul,

It's amazing how we do pick our finances up, as time goes on, because we have actually been living on a very tight budget for a long time, I guessed you wernt having any urges at this time, the aftermath of gambling is too raw.

Stay strong and keep your chin up.,

Suzanne xx

Hello diary, its late again - well for someone who is struggling through the nightmares caused by gambling addication - its late. The gambling urges have gone, in truth over the past 4 months i was only ever chasing losses, i saw this as the only way to recover lost money quickly. So the gambling is gone - what do I replace it with diary? - 57 years reasonably fit for age, but can't do the gym (cant afford it), already walking to work and back, but home at 6.00, its a long nite watcin bbc. If i don't do something i will brood ......................................... on the losses, come on diary ............................. inspiration, nite nite all, back tomorrow

Hi Paul, that is indeed my diary among all of the posts...Thanks for dropping by 🙂 Sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps but it is very early days for you & it does get better!

What about reading? Books are generally cheap in the charity shops or joining a library is free! Or writing? Do you have any relatives you've not been in touch with for a while? I've yet to meet someone who doesn't enjoy an old fashined letter through the post! What about devising a training program only using what is in your house (tins of beans, old pair of tights, stairs)? Alternatively, have a bath & a cuppa & get yourself to bed, it should all look a little better in the morning!

Be strong - ODAAT

Morning diary, thanks again ODAAT for your support, pretty low today as the re-alisation I have completely messed up my partners and my future. She is really looking forward to the summer, holidays, golf together, a little stop over (B&b) here and there, my finances are so thin I am going forward trying to live off £20 a week for food, and £20 a week for good times (makes £80.00 a month - how c**P is that). All this is making me very angry with me for my weakness at not being able to accept previous losses and stop, and also the gambling industry for putting those 'fotb's into my eyesight. Really really P....d off and upset. A whole life of working and saving gone in six years. Sorry for the rant, but the bottom line is I have f....d up big style, and I am struggling to deal with it.

Hi mate,

I know things are pretty bleak at the moment, I hit the same point a month ago. Take heart from the fact that you have hit the bottom and the way only way is up.

I can fully understand the hatred towards the bookies my freind ( I can't walk past one these days without giving the middle finger salute). But it's important that we take personal responsibility for out problems.

I think taking ownership of your problem is a big step to move forward.

Keep moving forward my freind, success is how high you bounce from when you hit the bottom.

All the best

Your Pal

Liam

Stay strong Paul and keep going forwards.

Suzanne xx

Hi Suzanne, when I see you have posted on my diary, my hope for a future life is lifted by a percentage, not sure whether 5% or 85% but I am lifted, so for you taking the time to try and lift me out of this black hole i will be forever grateful. Positivity is something I cannot see at the moment, though you-Suzanne and others keep tell ne to keep going forward a day at a time, I was/am always a planner - holidays 9 months in advance - now only the food i will eat this week can be thought about. I know this is very negative but I always craved financial security, it's gone and I feel gone too, anxious, lonely , worried, but 'diary' tomorrow is another day. Thanks for giving me a ray of hope Suzanne - Paul

Scream, shout, get it all out & draw a line under it because you cannot undo what is done! Us CG's are surprisingly adept @ managing on peanuts & you will find a way to manage! These early days are horrible, kicking yourself over & over for what you did but you're not past it & you have to find a way through! You are still working & your partner is not asking you for round the world cruises! Register with the discount voucher companies, cut coupons out of the paper, everything you talk about can be done on a shoe string! You can plan for the future but beating this addiction does have to be done on a daily basis!

I hope you feel a little better in the morning! I get that it feels like you are nothing now but you only need to read a few more diaries to see that there is a way back from this despair! I am taking a break from posting for a while so don't think I am abandoning you!

Never give up the fight! You can do this - ODAAT

Hi Paul,

Hope you are feeling stronger today, small steps forwards, it's the only way to go,

Take care and stay strong.

Suzanne xx