This has to be the end

Thanks Suzanne, maybe a little stronger, but maybe a tad more down/depressed. Its hard to really accept what I have done, the future does look bleak. Seeing my counsellor at one to-day, i will draw upon her as usual, but the uplift appears to be short-lived. - Paul

Keep pushing through Paul, this is the bleakest it will get, as long as you keep abstaining.

Hope the session goes well today

You are dong fine keep going.

suzanne xx.

Morning diary, i guess if i was honest at this moment although the rain is pouring down outside, I feel 5% brighter !, unsure as to why - finances are still a disaster but I haven't gambled for 9 days now so ................ maybe it will get better .. over time ....... just maybe . Trying to spend as little as possible till payday in March, I will get there. Am putting a savings plan in operation for the next 22 months, sounds a bit mad but .... is it the way forward ?? I guess I am thinking about money too much ............... Be back later diary

Morning Paul,

9 days today well done, keep pushing forwards and another day will be won.

Stay strong and focused.

Suzanne xx

Paul

Fella great to see you are embracing recovery.

I will ask the question, what are you going to save the money for?

Because for me in my recovery, everything kind of has to have a purpose, if I plan something then I go full steam ahead to achieve it. The similar trait I have found in many compulsive gambler's, the all or nothing approach to life. I have gone gung ho at many things in life. Today I am learning to harness the amazing power of commitment.

Commitement doesn't have to have a negative outcome, in fact I have found quite the opposite.

Setting targets short term and long term are positive things to do, f**k I couldn't plan to the end of a day all the time I gambled, because my irresponsible, totally irrational behaviour meant my life became a pipe dream on one hand and a fire fighter on the other.

Regards the financial losses, your case is very different to my own, in my case more often and as addiction progressed the money was gambled before I actually had it, life became an existence of sorts, robbing peter to pay paul.

I guess the bottom line is I like you just stole from myself.

In which case the answer for you is to forgive yourself.

I have forgiven myself, because I know by doing that I take control, I let addiction control my every thought, I bbecame weaker with each bet.

Abstinence works to take back life.

Keep embracing it.

Smiler told me on my first day here.

'Be kind to yourself'

It took a long time for me to fully understand that statement.

It has great value.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks for your message Paul,

10 days today well done, have a good strong day.

Suzanne xx

Hi Diary (Hi Suzanne) - Friday its supposed to be the happiest working day of the week (if you work Mon-Fri), however I am not happy, having took the tough decision to never gamble again, I have begun to try and rationalise how I will ever be able to retire and not work again. I won't bore you with the figures and calculations, but the crux of the problem is now this: Age 51 - retirement age guaranteed 63 (£K... in savings), house on the praire to be bought, own home paid for, money worries zero: 6.5 years on: Age 57 retirement age now unknown, will at least have to work 15 hours a week beyond Age 66 to exist, (no house on praire, funds all gambled away) current living accomodation - kitchen/diner lounge, bedroom and bathroom.

So I/you can see what compulsive gambling behaviour can take, and also why whatever day it is, happiness is a long way away. I have to overcome the grief of losing this money, but how ???????????

Hi Paul,

The S***e has hit the fan so to speak, the reality of what we have done is unbearable at times, I know where you are coming from, that was me 10 months ago and still feel like that at times, but not like I did, and it is hard to forgive ourselves, when it was us and us alone that did all the damage.to ourselves and our families.

But in reality what alternative do we have, that money has gone, we have to start again, and age does not even come into it as far as the addiction goes.

My OH and I would be sitting ohh so pretty now if I had not blown (with winnings around 60000) must be that amount, and Thst is without what I secretly sold to feed it.and what else I did. This was over a period of 8 years.

I wished I could give you, me and everyone else on here a quick fix to,get our money back, but I can't nor can you or anyone else, you have faced the facts( painful,as they are) but as I said what alternative do we have but to push through all this, believe 10 months on my world is no where as bleak and desperate as it was back then, recovery has truly gifted me so much more then money ever could.

We are near the same age, so I know how you feel about retirement but the way retirement age is going none of us are going to be able to retire lol,

All I can say is the longer you abstain the easier it gets, and you do start to forgive yourself, we have to, to keep moving forwards, to go back to gambling will just make your life a hell of a lot worse than it is now.

Keep pushing through, try to concentrate on one day at a time, no one knows what the future holds,

Stay strong Paul,and keep pushing there is a light in recovery,and it gets that little bit brighter every day my friend.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Paul,

You have not posted for a few days, hope you are ok, and the fog is beginning to lift.

Take care and stay safe.

Suzanne xxx

Hi Paul,

Have bumped your diary up from page 8

Remember be kind to you, it's time to look after YOU.

Suzanne xxx

This is a really dark lonely place diary, gambling has taken so much from me, money, happiness, friends, peace of mind. It has given me depression, lack of food and no material gains, seven days since it all ended. Seven years of gambling, lost my life to a spinning wheel, where to now ? Sorry for such a depressive post, but it's how I feel.

Hi Diary, day 8, feeling strong about not gambling (but hey only day 8 - dont get carried away), I know if i gamble i will ultimatley be in a worse position than to-day, so no gambling. Mentally washed out, no real desire to do anything house wise or exercise wise, just spending my hours of leisure time on my own contemplating the losses, which i know is not good. But have managed work every day (i guess because i need the money !). Where to from here, will those big black clouds hanging over my eyes ever disappear, I hope so, good-nite diary, catch you tomorrow.

8 days already Paul, well done, those black clouds will slowly disappear, just keep going one day at a time.

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xxx

Hi Diary and all who read and post (hope you are all well), when times are tough really tough, i come here for hope and inspiration, Suzanne, Dunc's, Day@time, i guess you are the one's who understand, others family loved ones for me don't understand the pain and loss of what you have done. I honestly have not gambled since 31.3.15, each day i want to feel better, but I don't really, i may lose my partner at the week-end over this, that would be too much too bear, week-day lonelyness probably created the gambling issue ..................... on my own 24-7......................... I shudder to think how i will feel. Catch u later diary. Paul

Hello Paul.

I've been following your diary. And despite emphasising and relating to the dark place you find yourself. Have never been able to find the right words.

I can only say, stay close to these diarys. Purge the shi-te you feel on these pages. Keep posting and reading.

It may not feel like it now, but stamp on the ground your not going to get any lower.

Lonliness and negativity is something the gambling beast feeds of. So be on guard and purge.

The more time you keep away from the beech of gambling, the clouds will slowly disperse and help you get an angle on things.

Be honest with your partner, you owe to her and yourself. This is a purely devasting addiction and takes no prisoners. But Paul, there is hope, please believe.

I really do wish you strength and honor, just for even having the nous to find these diarys and facing your demon.

Wishing you well.

Paul