This is it before I self destruct!!!

Hi Barney

Well done for making a positive stop towards recovery. The mere fact that you have stopped the gambling and are ready to do something about it is a good thing. To stop gambling you have to want to stop, and I can tell from your first post that 'enough is enough'.

Your story sounds similar to many on this forum, and I can only imagine what it must be like to lose so many loved ones in a short space of time, heartbreaking indeed..... I lost my Dad suddenly 24 years ago when I was 21, and even now I really regret not going to some bereavement councilling as I am sure that it would have helped my mindset and well being in general at that tough time. Maybe getting some coucilling would help you to understand how you have taken this unfortunate turn towards gambling. Just a thought.

I wish you all the best on your recovery journey. Stay close to this site and keep posting, as it really can help change your life for the better. 'One day at a time' you will gradually get there....

Keep strong

Ade

Thanks Ade and Half life, your support / advise really means alot to me.

Its been a terrible time, my friend passed away january this year, and in the middle of it all we got married too, which my mother was beside herself with grieve (as my stepdad died quickly) and the day was amazing but there was a hell of a lot of emotion for us all. This is why I really dont know whats happened, this really isnt me. For our wedding I was able to save a massive £20K plus, which included our honeymoon and we never had to borrow a thing for it - WT?? how the hell can I go from that to this mess!!!?? Because along with everything else I am completely selfish. Jeez, if this had happened before the wedding..well, there wouldnt have been a wedding end of....

I have told my mum everything but my husband has suffered depression in the past so telling him is last resort and believe me, I can not find the words to express how I feel about what 'I' have done to us and when he asks where the money has gone, I have lied and it makes me sick to the stomach so I am absolutely determined to kick this thing in my broken mind!!!

I have also told the bank that I lost my bank card (a good lie! if they even exist) so they have cancelled my bank card and replaced it - i know the digits off by heart so no point taking it off me I would have still gambled. Self excluding from everything forever and my determination I feel is enough right now, but I guess time will tell I suppose....

And I am determined that 2015 WILL be better for me and my family - we have a long road to get the financial damage I have caused back on track but I have accepted that the money I have lost has gone and I have made my peace with it - was a very very very bitter pill to swallow but I know that things will only get worse, alot worse 🙁

big hugs of support to you all - lord how did we get to this! :'(

Final online site - self excluded - check!

Feel like a weights been lifted already! Onwards and upwards for this lady...

Day 1 - again!!!! I won on the lotto £25 on saturday so I bought more tickets....I want to be rid of this addiction completely and it really is not going to be easy at all!! 🙁

Other than this relapse yesterday I dont actually feel like gambling today, and I have no money and have put many blocks in place now so I cant anyways. I just keep remembering my huge debts and what I could have bought with that money instead of flittering it all away on a dream that I might get a big win = which I would have lost anyways thinking I would win even bigger. My thinking is completely irrational when I was playing, its like I am the only one in the house. Waking up in the morning remembering then gambling binge the night before - did I win, or did I lose? How am I going replace the money I have lost??!! Its such a strange feeling, however, now I feel relieved that there is no means for me to play, like the decision has been made for me and I have no choices. The big test will be when we get paid again and I have some (albeit very little) disposable spend!

Will log in again later, for now Day 1, I will not gamble today.

Dear Diary,

Day 2.

Today is day 2, I have so much to do so today so not much time to think about gambling, i have just switched on the laptop to check the bank account (very depressing sight these days 🙁 ) and normally I would have logged in to one of my accounts for a quick play but I have not - I have self excluded so no choice, and I realise that I needed too because I am weak, weaker than ever. When did it all go so very wrong, I am so confused.

Will log back in later but for now I WILL win today, because I WILL NOT gamble 🙂

Laters

Hi barney, well done on starting the diary and joing the 2015 challenge. At first stopping is an incredibly hard struggle, but no matter how hard it seems it can be done! I used to put off telling those close to me how bad I have got and how deep a mess I'm in, but once they've been told it really does take a weight off your mind. I really think the best move a compulsive gambler can make it to let someone close manage their finances so maybe thats something you can consider. I look forward to following you on the 2015 challenge and what an amazing year it would become if you were to last till the end!

Hi bornagain, thanks for your post. I agree that those around me need to be told - my mum has been, my dad isnt around. But I just cant speak to hubby about it yet, but I know I need to stop being a coward and face up to things as you say. I can see how some people get to the point where they just want to run away and end it all, I can totally see now. Gambling life is just a horrible existance I have no life whatsoever anymore, no motivation to do things, just sit in front of the laptop...how sad and pathetic I have become.

Bring on 2015 challenge I will beat this and I will get to the end of the year without gambling!

HI Barney,thanks for your post and support.
You sound determined to break free from gambling,well done for putting the barriers up the effort youve put in so far.

These early days are the toughest,breaking a bad habit,that's all it is.
I've tried and failed to quit too many times I'd care to remember;I've failed in the early stages because I hadn't put up the various blocks.
And failied after a year gamble free due to complacency,just thinking a small bet wouldn't hurt- but it just started to ball rolling again.

It's amazing a soon as you place that 1st wager how quickly you're back in the gambling zone.

Keeping away from that 1st bet is the way forward.
Enjoy each day as it comes,the past 31 days have flown by for me,ive no doubt I will start the year 40 days gamble free,I hope your just behind me.

All the best Trigger,happy Christmas.

...the postman has just been with a letter from one of the gambling companies telling me theres a bonus inside and the telly has just had that ga-la-la-la ga-la-la-la hey hey bingo advert on SO HELP ME god, why is are these companies all over you when you are trying to stay away!!!! ??

Letter = straight in the bin unopened, Telly = off

Barney 1 - Gambling 0

Wow Trigger thats brilliant, and thankyou for your kind words of support - I really do hope i am right behind you on this journey, reminding ourselves of who we once were and put this misery gambling has caused behind us for good!! Lifes for living right?

Today i have been off work but very busy, I have just been working through my finances as the xmas spend is complete and wondering what bills I am going to not pay next month so too get rid of the PD hell!!! All the priority bills are paid I must add, its working out who priority out of the list of creditors I have. Oh why why why have I done this!!!!!!

I have won today though as I have NOT gambled and I will not gamble today.

Great work Barney onwards & upwards as they say! As bad as it feels now, had you not realised this & come here @ this point, you may have been looking @ this in a few months time when the priority bills hadn't been paid either!

Hopefully the sheer relief of not gambling will enable you to have an amazing Christmas & see you right into the 2015 challenge on double numbers - ODAAT

Hi Diary,

Day 3

Its xmas eve and I have so much to do but I must be subconsciously thinking about gambling as I have came on here to update ! This place will be my escape instead of logging onto the websites. I think I need to change my email address as it is ridiculous how many emails I have recieved trying to lure me back, but I am not tempted at all. I just keep thinking about the conversations I am going to have with some of the credit card companies in the new year - the ones that i have wracked up gambling debt with, you know, the ones that when my big win came in I would pay back and life would be all rosey again. Oh I cant believe how irrational my behaviour has become.....pathetic.

ODAAT - Thanks for your support and you are so right, hence my thread title, I would have self destructed no question. I could not stop myself, until I had lost what we had left of over wages and was scrapping around for pennies to live on, the guilt I am feeling is undescribable. If there is anything positive in all this mess is that the house and everything is secure still. I will wait to see what the Credit cards companies do to me but to be honest if they throw late charges, and give me a black mark against my credit file then I will settle for that as the PD companies will do / have done much worse!! I found out last week that I am getting a promotion at work so my income will increase from February onwards...happy days that I am going to have to give all my hard earned cash to the credit cards companies but I have to get through these dark times before life will get better!! arghh!!!

But, I will WIN today as I will NOT gamble....

Merry xmas everyone!!!

Laters x

I think you're life will improve very quickly despite the debt...There are ups & downs of course but being gamble free negates the deceit, allows you to spend valuable time with loved ones & the absence of the guilt cannot be underestimated!

Congratulations on your promotion as well as your 3 days 🙂

You can do this - ODAAT

Dear Diary,

Day 5

Had a lovely xmas day with my family yesterday but today is bad day, and I am feeling really low, maybe its because I'm tired. I will not gamble though, even though there is a little money left in the account but I know I will lose it so Im just looking at my bank balance again to sober me up to the reality of this!!!

Yes, my husband is already seeing the changes in me since I have began this journey, we actually sat and watched a film the other night which is something we have not done for a 'long' time!! and why? because I chose to perch myself on the sofa escaping into my laptop dreaming. My head will be in a much better place once these next few months are over and my bank balance looks much heathier....at the moment I'm just numb.