This is it before I self destruct!!!

Day 6

Almost 1 week 'clean' of this filthy disgusting habit I have got myself into but feeling a bit better, with no urges to gamble today. Its unreal how much more I have become aware of how many people are in the same situation as me and also, in a really bizarre sense its such a comfort to me ....I know I am not alone in this! reading some diaries today and reading how others are coping with life with the same levels of debt as me is helping me focus on my future. I often think about the holidays we could be having next year, a new car, re decorate the house, etc.. but we cant because of what I have done. The stomach churning, sick feeling this gives me will no doubt help me stay the heck away from online sites.

But for today, day 6 - I won, because I did not, will not gamble.

Congratulations on 6 days & realising that this is what winning is about 🙂

Try not to imagine what could have been (it's no good regretting the things we could have changed but didn't) just look to a future without gambling where you will have much more time & energy to enjoy life - ODAAT

Day 7 - big fat failure 🙁

What is wrong with me!!! Seriously need to sort my head out, found a new site last night and £200+ later - you know the rest. I feel wretched. Hubby is poorly, I was bored, money in the account....what do people do to fill their time when trying to block out gambling thoughts???

Feeling c**P, need to get refocused, roll on 2015.....

Day 1 begins tomorrow :'( (again!)

For me, anything, depending where I am...My poison is shops though & given that I have to put myself in the location in order to gamble I guess it's easier for me to distract myself? Just go in this shop, just take this bag back to the car, just do anything second by second until the urges subside enough for me to 'choose no' just for today & that is how I will live the rest of my life if I have to because I cannot go back to the pain of where I was!

Have you tried that blocking software? What about posting every time you need to fight the urge? This is a very bumpy road, so long as you keep getting back on it, you will eventually find your way! 6 days was a good practise run, now to build on that

- ODAAT

Oh thanks ODAAT and half life, this really is the end for me I cant go on like this, I feel sick and miserable.

My phone and laptop are Apple, does K9 work on these? For me its just online sites, I wish they never existed! so not going into the bookies or anything and never had the urge to either. I saw on one thread that it takes 21 days to break the habit, so I am going to aim for that but take each day as it comes.

I have brought some books down from the study so will read these, and I think when I am back at work it will help me......cant believe I am wishing myself back to work to keep clean, ha!! Gosh, I am sick!!!

Hiya

I recommend that you please look at the gambling site blocking software. Get someone else to set the password or set a random one you won't remember. It may just help you as there are too many sites out there. You have to make it so you cannot access any. I have installed on my I phone and laptop but can't comment on the compatibility with your devices. But good luck and you can do it. Keep at it and you will get there. 🙂

Clare.

Hi Clare,

Thanks for your support and I will look into it now, the last time I had a look they were only compatible with mircosoft...its ridiculous how many telly ads, emails, texts i get everyday luring me back...no wonder I caved. It should be illegal!! But my willpower yesterday was beyond pathetic...argghh!

Well today is day one and tomorrow is day 2 . Don't look back - only think about today and maybe the future. But never look back. You can only change today and be strong. Lots of support here. Keep posting when you get the urges. I've taken a good look at my finances and looked at when I can start to live normally again if I stay stopped. For me it's 12th January when I get to live with a comfortable disposable income as till then I've very little to spend on anything but essentials. Maybe you could try doing something similar. Imagine how much happier you will be if you can say no to the gambling. Take each day as it comes but never look back x

Your right, I would be so much happier when I can finally get over this horrendous gambling addiction. I dont know about you but it makes me so depressed and snappy with my hubby and daughter, they dont deserve this from me.

I have already done the same hun, it will be 13th march before we can live more comfortably, this is because I have borrowed to the hilt to feed this addiction and I will have to pay back the PD lenders, so with my promotion they will be more or less paid back then. Crazy! That its come to this...

Good luck to you clare, I hope to share your journey with you and get through this with all the support we can get on here!!

Yes it also makes me irritable with the kids and family. Especially the day after I've lost a fortune. I'm annoyed with myself but take it out on everyone else.

13th March isn't that far away. Approx 73 days. You could use that as a mini goal. Every single day is a day closer to that goal and at that point you could begin to live a little more normal. Fair enough I'm sure like me you will have debt for years to come. But debt that is hopefully manageable. Debt has to be paid each month but still leaving enough to live on.

If you go back to any form of gambling you are making the 13th march a date further into the future. You have to say I've gambled enough. No more I want to live normally and gambling will never let us do that.

Good luck and we can be strong and keep looking forward to a gamble free future.

Clare x

Oh yes, i know that feeling so well. Have you tried going to GA? I have looked and I dont think there is one near me...will check again though. Its such a comfort to log on here and know there are so many people like me, that have been sucked into this!!

Yeh, the debts I will have after the PD lenders will be there for a long time but will be manageable, its just soul destroying when your hubby goes shopping and your having to juggle money from one account to another and telling him to not spend much...he looks at me and asks why, and then the fibs come out. I have never had an addictive nature (or so I didnt realise!!) I dont smoke, drink and have never taken drugs but my behaviour with this addiction has just disturbed me, its brought out a side in me that I never knew existed - so I guess what I am trying to say is that it just all about the money, I just want to be me again and not be a deceitful selfish liar!! 🙁

Good advise there hun, I want to save up enough this year to get the house new windows and new front door fitted so thats my goal...and then before we know it xmas will be here again!! ha

PS. My name is Mel x

Morning Mel,

Thank you for posting on my diary.

I wish you well with your recovery, just take one day at a time, and things will start to fall into place.

Best wishes.

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, I think what you have achieved is brilliant 🙂

I think for me I might start just by going one day at a time, I'm not sure I am ready for the counting yet - seens as I cant even make it one week without surccumbing to this hell way of life!

The last of my deposits have gone out of my account and from today, not 1st January 2015, I will (need!!) to wipe the slate clean. The road will be long, lots of twists and turns, ups and downs, highs and lows, but I have to face it and I know will come out of this a better person. I cannot gamble, I cannot stop. This has been a very bitter pill to swallow as I have never had any kind of addiction before and to know I can lose myself in this fastasy world of wealth and fortune for a £10, is just completely crazy, irrational and its destroying me and my family. I cannot gamble, I cannot stop.

Hey Mel.

How are things going for you today? I've found myself a lil' bit grumpy today but not gambled. Been out food shopping and spent some time on housework.

I have not tried/ thought about going to GA meetings - I think maybe in the future i maight be an option but too tricky due to family to look after. I think you should use the goal you mentioned about the new doors/windows to spur you on. If it was me I would work out the approximate cost and how long it would take you to save up if you stay gamble free. Then set up a savings account (from which you cannot withdraw - only deposit) and actually save up the required funds. I am practical in my nature and like to find solutions to problems. I am going to go into town and set up new savings accounts for my kids where you have to go into the bank to withdraw, and then I will transfer in some of the money I owe them each month. By Christmas they will have all the money (that is theirs) back in their accounts and I swear I will never touch it again. It is their money from Birthdays/Christmas in the past that I have 'borrowed' to gamble. It is a very low thing to do and it is providing me with a lot of motivation to quit gambling for good. I have morals and it makes me a very bad person to spend the kids money on gambling. Therefore I have no choice but to stop and get this money back to them, I have borrowed it for long enough. It's lucky they don't know it is not there - they are too young to understand or even need the money for anything at the moment but by Christmas 2015 I swear they will have back every single penny and that is a promise I have no intention of breaking.

Anyways - how is your day going Mel?

Clare x

Hi Mel,

I have just posted to Claire about the triangle, it really is a good barrier to use.

Time

Money

Location.

Take one of these away and its impossible to play,

Suzanne xx