Day 1:
Let's kick-off with some home truths. I am a compulsive gambler and have attempted, and failed to, to rid myself of these ugly urges to gamble.
I have wasted about 10 years and about £10k gambling. My main vice is the FOBTS in bookies, but have also wasted money on online casinos playing roulette.
I am sick of hating myself and the utter self loathing I feel churning money away like some zombie.
I've had enough of making myself physically and mentally sick gambling - not being able to sleep at night; unable to concentrate at work; bringing myself in a feverish sweat whilst partaking in gambling activities as I fritter away my last pennies and letting it slowly gobble up my personality.
No more.
This isn't my first step stop at gamcare I should add. About 2.5 years ago, after an single loss of about £4k on an FOBTS, I wrote an entry in the welcome section. This proved very cathartic and helped me stay clear for a good year or so.
Inevitably, I got complacent. I stopped reading these forums and let the old habits creep back in.
Yesterday i lost £800 spread betting on the financial markets. This was a stupid and compulsive act.
Positive steps today:
- I have now cancelled this account along with all my other online accounts that weren't otherwise cancelled.
- I still have around £1500 in savings. Didn't clear myself out for once, £1k of these I transferred into my mortgage. It pays off my mortgage ever so slightly quicker (still 20-odd years left mind!) and can't be retracted. I feel pleased about this.
- feeling zero compulsion to gamble today. For my sanity, wellbeing and future, this must continue.
Thanks
Ant
Hi Ant, and I wish you the very best on your recovery journey, you have come back to the right place.where we all understand,
because we are all in the same rocky boat:))!
Welcome back,
Suzanne xx
Hi Ant... I too draw on positives each day. I find it helps. Good luck in your journey.
Ant
Good start mate now keep it going...
Day 2.
Firstly thanks to everyone for your words of encouragement - i hope you're all doing well on your own journeys.
Still feeling down in the dumps after my moment of a few days back. In truth, it was a long period of stupidity, manifesting itself in a big loss. The warning signs were there for a long period, i choose to ignore them.
I still recall a conversation i had with someone i had years ago about gambling. His words were that even someone who wins everyday, still has a gamling problem - they just cant see it yet. I've never been up, always down, but it resonates nonethess.
Today I'm trying, but struggling, to be positive. I've had a handful of complete financial wipeouts in the past, which have mentally destroyed me. I hate that dark feeling more than anything. Today i want to feel positive about not completing wiping myself out for once.
At the end of day 0, i placed a sizable wager (£150 - not small change on my modest salary) on a horse race taking place this weekend. I know nothing about whatsoever about horses - i just followed a newspaper tip in a vain attempt to win back my losses for the day. I've been here many times before - it's irrational, whimsical and i know it.
I'm annoyed with myself for doing this on two counts. Firstly, the money - £150 isn't a token amount for me, i'd sooner have kept it. Secondly, the fact that i can't truly banish my afflication until after the race. I know the reality - horse won't come in and it'll put my head in a bad place.
And yet, there's a small part of me that thinks "well if it does come in, then i'd do this and that with the winnings. It's that pessimitic optimism which is think is unique to gambers.
Anyway, today is another day i do not and will not gamble.
Best wishes to you all...
Ant
Day 3.
Spent a decent chunk of yesterday evening thinking about my bet for saturday. Typical "what if..." type thoughts. I still have zero inclination to bet, but this remaining one is a like a cloud over my head. Will be glad once its over so i can have a completely clean slate.
Today is a new day gamble-free..
Day 6
Won back my stake plus a tiny profit this weekend (from a bet i'd placed on day 0). Not sure how i felt about this to be honest. Made sure i collected it from bookies at 8am just before work today - meaning i wouldnt have enough time to play fobts even if i wanted to (i didn't). Also had money refunded to card to stop any temptation of having cash in hand.
I've had a few tiny twinges of temptation, but my head has been firmly screwed on so far.
I keep remembering how unhappy gambling has made me over the years & how my future could be much brighter without it all. It's doing the trick so far.
Wishing everyone well...
Ant
Well done on 6 days and for collecting and walking away. Now you have to put blocks in place if you are going to stop gambling self excluded from the bookies and online accounts and put the triangle in place money location opportunity if you remove one of these you can't gamble.
Keep going and keep updating
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