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Recovery Diaries
Last Post by As91 10 years ago
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As91
 As91
(@as91)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 

Day 1

Hi I'm 24 and have been gambling since I was 18 mainly on online slots I recently posted my story in the new members forum so you can read it there. I actually managed to stop gambling for 4 months but I relapsed in October last year. I had managed to avoid online slots which was my biggest problem but instead I started playing poker, this started off well but as it always does I ended up losing a lot of money and started taking out loans and credit cards again. Yesterday was payday and I thought I would give online slots one more go i re opened the only account I new I hadn't self excluded my self from and lost £700 in a matter of hours, I haven't paid any bills yet and have left my self with £30 u till next payday in a months time.
The debt I have now is manageable and over the years of having credit cards, loans, payday loans and overdrafts surprisingly my credit score is actually the best it could be so I know I haven't completely messed up everything for my future.
I hate the fact I have to lie to my family who think I haven't gambled since June last year my dad knows my online banking passwords but he clearly hasn't checked it for a while as he would be able to see the recent gambling transactions I have made, I am absolutely dreading him finding out again. This is why I want to keep this diary as proof that I really am trying to do something about this. I've been lucky in the past that every time I have got my self in to financial difficulties I've always been bailed out but this time I need to do this on my own.
When I think about the money I have lost to gambling it makes me feel physically sick, it must be well over 50k in the 6 years I have gambled.
Last night after I lost my wage it felt different this time of course I was angry and upset with my self but something triggered in my head which just made me think this is ridiculous what am I even doing? I've had managed around 5 months without playing them I can do it again.
I am self excluded anyway from all most every site I can think of I just need to try and stay away from the poker until I can learn to manage my gambling.
Sorry I always seem to waffle on.
 
Posted : 21st February 2015 5:22 pm
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7072
 

Hi Anna,

Welcome to the diaries and well done for looking for help and support in your journey. Most importantly,admitting you have a problem with gambling and want to stop the self destruction. There is a lot of advice in these pages and you can learn about this addiction on the way. Well done on self excluding yourself from the sites, maybe you have considered some blocks on your devices? As more blocks you have to stop yourself in the hour of difficulties, the easier it will be for you to navigate to safety.
You did very well last year, and definitely can do it again. You're not on your own and can beat this ugly and destroying habit by staying in recovery and fighting head on. One day at a time, be kind to you and keep reaching for the freedom you so deserve, you're defo on the right path!

Keep posting and all the best!

Sandra

 
Posted : 21st February 2015 5:39 pm
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Anna, welcome back to recovery 🙂

I have bad news though...I only wanted to learn control but after too many times, trying to give up, to count, I learned the most valuable lesson I have ever had! The only way to manage what has gotten you here is to say 'No' to it! You are beyond the point that social gamblers get to & even though it is manageable & your credit rating is good @ the moment, it will not stay this way if you continue to gamble! We cannot win because we cannot stop!

You stopped before, you can do it again - ODAAT

 
Posted : 21st February 2015 8:10 pm
 Anonymous
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi. I completely agree. There is no managing it when it gets to this stage. Its 100% stop IMO. Its something I still need to get my gead around too but its the only way for a better future.

Good luck

 
Posted : 21st February 2015 8:43 pm
As91
 As91
(@as91)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 

Haven't posted on here for a while, things are looking up at the moment, my dad found out I had been gambling on poker and yet again another 'family meeting'. I'm so lucky I have the dad I do as my debt has been cleared. I don't deserve it but I am extremely greatful. I haven't gambled on the slots for quite a while now and since my dad found out about the poker I will admit I have been on it again but nowhere near the amount I was and I played with small amounts not that it justifies it.

I honestly think I can do this, so I want today to be the start of my completely gamble free life.

I have money in the bank and I have no urges what's so ever at the moment to gamble.

🙂

 
Posted : 6th June 2015 3:31 am
As91
 As91
(@as91)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 

Went to the casino for the first time ever at the weekend, was on a hen do so didn't actually know we were going there. Was there for a few hours before I finally gave in and had a go on the roulette, played for a bit and ended up losing £10. I was actually annoyed at my self for even doing it but when the £10 I started off with was gone I just walked away and didn't buy another drink to make up for the money I had just lost. I really wanted to be able to say I'm nearly 3 weeks completely gamble free but felt I needed to Admit that.

I wouldn't ever go back to a casino anyway it was fun but not really my thing, I only ever gambled online before. The casino was a real eye opener though I was at a table with a man who must have been putting down over £300 a spin and just watching him lose go after go was completely heart breaking because I know exactly how he must have been feeling. My friends were all passing comments and I had to say to them look stop talking about it when he's sat right next to us, just ignore what he's doing and concentrate on your own chips. They were saying things like what an idiot who carrys on playing when they aren't even winning etc. My friends obviously don't really understand complusive gambiling like I do so I could fully understand why he was carrying on betting and chasing his losses. Anyway it's none of my buisness what he was doing and for all I know he could have been gambiling within his means but it wasn't nice to watch and I really did feel for the guy.

Apart from that I think I'm doing really well I've had money in the bank for 3 weeks now and had no temptation at all apart from today hence why I've come on here to post. I've been really busy recently which I think has helped me to not gamble my mind has been concentrating on other things which is good.

 
Posted : 25th June 2015 12:11 am
As91
 As91
(@as91)
Posts: 14
Topic starter
 

42 days gamble free and never felt better 🙂 no urges whatsoever

 
Posted : 18th July 2015 3:24 pm
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