Those three dreaded words, "I'M AN ADDICT"

Hi Liam

I'll reply here (good move starting a diary)

Makes a lot of sense you seeing stigma in addiction given your job.

Coming on here and realising the huge numbers of folk in my situ was a real eye opener and defining moment.

Something about realising I wasn't alone. I've been getting the same vibe but on a wider scale as I open up to people about my addiction. People aren't addicted but they share life's struggles.

Good to hear about the counselling and group.

Louis

Hi Liam,
Really pleased you've found this site and started your own diary.
You said at the end of your post sorry for the life story but I just
love the fact that I can ramble on when writing my posts. It helps me get it all out of my system and also helps me to reflect and in a strange way helps me to see things clearer - face up to things.
If it doesn't make sense to others well that's OK. If they judge me and have different opinions, that's also ok. We're all different and what works for one might not work for another.
All I'm concerned with is that at the end of the day I'm still gamble free. However we all get there it doesn't matter.
Stay strong, have confidence in yourself and I look forward to reading your posts.
Li'l miss L

Thanks for all the supportive words.

Well I am on day 2 gamble free and I won't lie I thought about gambling a lot and that initial buzz and excitement when you have pressed that "bet now" button.

It sounds very weird and I giggle when I say this but these two days I have honestly felt the fog lift in my head and iv learnt more about myself these past few days than I have the whole time I was gambling.

My fiancГ© and I have chatted with her mum as a mediator (surreal to say the least) and although she is still angry calling me a lier, selfish, not putting her children first, reminds me of all the things we could have bought as a family. A constant reminder of how worthless I really am.

I would normally go on the defensive when this happened but not now I allow her to rant of, because deep down I know every word is true I am all these things, I can see that but I did not see that two days ago.

I have tired to explain to her that I am an addict and with a addictive personality it has attached itself to me like a monkey on my back, and a demon inside me controlling me, suffocating me, I know what's right but it blocks and controls me.

She doesn't believe me of course just thinks I'm being selfish and "trying to blame this on something else"

I still don't take this as a negative I mean she can't possible u swear and this in a few day, I know what's happening in my body and in my mind, all I can do is show her.

I have arranged for a 1 to 1 counselling selling sessions, so hopefully this is the start.

Thinking about attending a group meeting but not sure this is for me as I am not the best public speaker, but curious to hear others stories. Any advice?

Anything again thanks for listening.

Liam X

Hi Liam,

Thanks for posting on my diary.

I went to GA years ago. One thing I would say is that if you are not wanting to talk in the first few meetings you don't have to. You can sit back and just listen.

Everyone is different. GAMCARE forum is great but in itself probably not enough.

I see you've arranged for 1-2-1 counselling. I've been having weekly counselling sessions from gamcare - done by video conferencing. It's free and you can be provided upto 12 sessions. I'd recommend it to anyone.

Everyone on here is willing to help too 😉 Immerse yourself in the forum, read stories and maybe try the chatroom too. Might help with your concerns about public speaking and you can ask others about GA.

Yeah Iv seen the chat rooms that are available but it's a difficult time for me with my kids bath time etc.

I am reading a lot on here and finding that helps.

Thinking of you this morning hope you found the courage to step over the GA threshold.

KTF

Well today I attended my first GM meeting.....

To say I was nervous and anxious is an understatement, I was sat there thinking I'm going bail, this isn't for me, can't believe I'm "that" person.

I fought these feels and opened the door and took my massive first step, and yes I had the clammy hands and the dry thought and that feeling looking around the room tht I am better than these people.

Within an hour I had shared my issue and why I was there and I getting phone numbers and hugs from everyone in the room offering support and "wanting" to help me.

I am still in a frame of mind where I don't feel I want or need support because of the damage and destruction I have caused my loved ones. It was such a surreal experience and one I will def be going back to.

i am now three days without a gamble and today I am struggling the most yet, as any football punter will know Saturday's are a goldmine for gambling, I have managed not to place a bet which I am happy about, little Chanes such as not watching sky sports news, I'll catch the highlights tonight so there is no tenptation.

Tried to chat to my misses about the group and how it had help, she didn't share my happiness, still doesn't think I have a "addiction" and this is all just a box ticking exercise to prove I have "changed" I suppose I can't change her mind I can only show her in actions.

I have agreed to surrender my bank her to her and any excess money I have in my account at the end of the month I will transfer to her, again I have agreed to this.

Bit deflated today can't really put my finger on it, maybe just the realisation of everything, or the fact it's a Saturday and the best day of the week for punters.

Each day is a success if Iv not gambled.

Congrats, I for the first time ever decided to open up about my gambling today. Got annoyed to start as didn't think my wife was listening or trying to undetstand(she tried to compare it to her buying clothes) anyway I opened up and told her I joined here. We are not in debt but I could have an extra 100k if I wasn't a gambler. I'm half way gone and it felt good opening up, the lies of why I'm always late home came out. The amounts of the year's hasn't been discussed but I think she is happy I'm trying to address a weakness. I repeat I think she is happy because I never really know she is a bit of a stone. I like this site so much because it's other people that just get it

Hey Kryptonite,

Congrats on telling your wife, my advice however is you be open to everything including "last years"

A compulsive gambler will always lie and manipulate the truth to get what we want, if your not being 100% truthful with the misses this will creep into your life again.

Are you going to attend any meetings?

Just dropped by to see how you're doing.
Hope all's well.

Hey LML

I'm doing okay thanks, I have been attending my weekly GA meetings and I get overwhelmed but them, the experience and support I get are invaluable.

I have been reading through the "just for today" booklet and I am trying to read this and follow these on a daily basis, some work and some will need more focus.

I have however not gambled.......each day is a new day. I can't say this has been easy though, I do think about football and what teams are playing but I have refused to give in.

How are you doing? Still staying strong?

Great to hear you're doing well and getting support from the GA meetings. You're right, it's not easy but living with the stress gambling causes is even harder.
I'm OK thanks. Day 31 for me. I've written in my diary that I'm looking into sorting my finances.
Finding things tough but ultimately I want to succeed so I just keep reminding myself of how I've felt in the past whilst gambling. There's no way I want to feel like that again so when I get an 'urge' I consciously make myself busy or come on here. The feeling does pass so it's all worth it.
Stay strong, you ultimately want a better future and it sounds like you're doing all you can to enable this so take care and keep up the great work!

How's it going Liam? Hope all's ok.

Hi Liam

I've been reading your diary. Excellent work so far.

I've had an on off problem for about 6 years and it's started again and coming on and seeing your diary has helped me to realise my problem and that I need to look at why I'm back to this position.

I'll keep following your journey