Time to start my diary ...

Stephen the Strong wrote:

There will be sunshine after rain.

Thanks Stephen - that assured line is the best thing I could read tonight. Thanks, it was a lifesaver.

I love your name too ... Stephen the Strong. It makes Alexander the Great seem like a feeble wanabee.

But, hand on heart, thanks a million buddy.

I've also made sure I can't gamlbe tonight - I took one of my prescription sleeping pills after the last post, so I should be in the land of fluffly clouds and sheep very soon.

Morning Equinox

I know it must be really frustrating for the urges to keep coming back but you are fighting them off because you know they are just thoughts, nothing concrete or real. In terms of dealing with them, they came and you fought them off, you won - job done.

Just had a quick flick through your diary to check and not sure if you have ever considered getting some counselling? Obviously the ideal outcome would be not to have to fight the urges - do you think talking to someone might help you figure out where they are coming from? I had a few sessions and they really helped me to sort out a few things in my mind. Interestingly, we spoke about gambling very little, but there were some real lightbulb moments when he repeated back to me what I had said and I realised some of my life held thoughts and beliefs were complete nonsense! Might be worth considering?

Keep at it, my friend

Muststop123

I failed and relapsed.

Like a coward, I felt like running from this forum without mentioning it. The shame and pointlessness of it all - I sicken myself. It's just a deep hatred at how feeble and pathetic I am when it comes to sorting this out. The words of support I offer, mean absolutely nothing because I don't live by them. The help people have given, I clearly discard.

I'm determined to keep tackling it, but I'm just blinded by myself at the moment. Confusion and self-distrust on a whole new level. I was so pleased with my 70 days.

Sorry Stephen and Muststop123. I know sometimes people have said there's no need to apologise because it's not necessary - but I feel as if I've betrayed you (and all the other people who have helped me) every bit as much as I've betrayed myself.

I need time to think how to move forward with this. Part of me wants to take a break from the forum and not return until I have the 70 days again - because, in all honesty, I'm a hypocrite if I offer support and a unecessary drain to those who give it to me.

I'm so sorry. All so predictable.

Back to square 1.

Hi Equinox,

Sorry you had a relapse. Obviously not great, but it was one day and you’ve done the right thing and come on here and owned up .. takes some guts. Easiest thing would be to disappear for a while and really hit the gambling, so I think you should keep posting and keep on the site. I appreciate every little bit of support I get on here, whether the person has been gamble free 10 years or 10 minutes. Support doesn’t even mean people have to post on my diary ... I get support by simply reading other diaries and realising plenty of people are in the same boat as me ... I don’t think of anyone on here as a hypocrite. You aren’t back to square one ... I suspect square one was gambling heavily every day, not one day in 70. All you can really do though is work out how things happened this time, and put some blocks in place to stop it happening again ... that way something positive could at least come from the relapse. Even being so honest on here helps people to know how easy it is to slip, and how bad it feels when you do .. a reminder to us all. Rich

Relapses happen buddy makes us stronger, you posted and will keep trying that is the main thing, it's only a small relapse it hasn't lasted for months or years.

Thinking of you

Wilsy

“You haven’t failed until you give up trying!”

It hurts, I get that but what you were doing wasn’t wrong, it just wasn’t enough! Some counsellors haven’t lived with addiction, does that make them unfit to counsel? Giving & receiving support is a vital part of this journey & just because you haven’t got to grips with how to keep your addiction under control doesn’t mean your support is any less valuable. You haven’t betrayed anyone, that’s just what your addiction wants you to believe...It’s a cruel cruel friend & one that will take time & support to despatch.

You weren’t the coward that you could have been, you haven’t crawled away & come back in disguise hoping to wipe the slate clean, you’ve owned your relapse & so hold your head up & figure out your next move.

We’re all here together, fighting for our futures - ODAAT

Ok, I admit it, I am upset that you have relapsed but not because I feel betrayed or anything like that. I'm upset because I know how you must be feeling. I just don't want to imagine you having to go through this again.

You know the hurt is going to last a while but I honestly believe staying on this forum is better than hiding away. You gambled once in 70 odd days so let's focus on those rather than the one bad bit.

So I know I said I was going to cut back on giving out amateur advice but...one of the oft said things on here is "nothing changes if nothing changes". Give yourself some time to think (I know you will be doing that anyway!!) but you know there are more extreme blocks available to you if you really want to racket them up. Is it time to hand over more control of your finances - you can make it virtually impossible to gamble if you want to?

Don't give up posting on here

Muststop123

Thank you Rich, Wilsy, ODAAT and Muststop123. Your kindness and support is humbling.

I'm going to stay here and keep posting.

This is going to be a hard few days or weeks (or months ...) - and I feel absolutely gutted by what I did. But one thing is crystal clear in my mind - all this bad feeling, this regret, all this feeling sad for myself, the moans to myself about the loss of money - is all my own fault. It's all down to me. I begged for it, and I got what I deserve. I wanted to gamble, now I'm paying the price again.

It feels like I'm split in two. Part of me is happy that the other part of me is suffering because it's like saying - well you wanted to gamble, happy now are we? Good idea was it?

I sicken myself, but I'm glad I'm suffering because it's the medicine I need.

Today is the start of lent. I'm not much of a practising Catholic these days - but 40 days of reflection and forgiveness would go a long way. Giving up gambling wouldn't count as giving up something I love, but it's on the list.

I felt so lousy today, I decided to make an effort to do 'a good deed' (selfish because I mainly wanted to feel better about myself) - but it worked. For both me and the person I helped. For the next 40 days, I'll do my very best to go out of my way and try to do something 'good' for someone.

Gambling makes me feel so utterly selfish.

Equinox wrote:

Gambling makes me feel so utterly selfish.

I just saw that end line and realised I'm trying to dodge responsibility - it should be:

I am so utterly selfish when I gamble.

Morning Equinox. Hope your ok. I am saddened to learn of your recent gambling episode. Why we do it to ourselves time after time is beyond my comprehension. We know perfectly well what the outcome will be yet we still do it.

No other choice but to put our best foot forward and try again. It is worth asking ourselves if there is something we could add or change to our strategies which would put us in a better frame of mind.

Sorry I don't have any constructive advice to give but I wish you well in your quest.

Thanks Stephen. You're right about the only choice is putting the best foot forward and trying again.

It's hard for me to make sense of why I gambled now. That's what's so confusing about it for. Complacency figured in there somewhere - I thought I had it under control. When I think back to when I gambled, the sudden change in my behaviour is scary - the instant I was gambling I was locked into the a frenzy of it, unable to leave the table until all had been lost from my account.

The money was in my Paypal account - it had been building over a the last 2 months. I should have moved it out to my savings account which I doesn't have online access, but I thought I was out of the danger as far a sudden impulsive gambling was concerned.

I still feel sick to my stomach. I find myself physically flinching when I think what I've done. There's no one I can think of that I loathe more than myself. I don't know what to do with that feeling - I don't want to quickly move on and be all positive and self-forgiving but I don't want to wallow in either.

Be constructive and kind to others is what I need to do.

I've still got my good deed to do today whatever it might be.

Determined to keep on tackling this.

But still struggling to reconcile the fact that I gambled. At the moment, there's nothing positive I want to add about how I think I can do it better next time besides shut up and get clocking up the days again.

I'm just putting all my energy in to work and trying to being kind to those around me. I can compartmentalise and keep my thunderous self-loathing well away from others. I'll be honest about my gambling though. I won't keep it a secret.

It's just too soon to be kind to myself or look at my behaviour in any positive light at the moment.

I know it is so hard mate isn't it to find any positivity sometimes, the postive I would like to add though is you've logged on and posted, clear your thoughts and continue to let it all out, that is why we have our diaries. At least you are focusing on work I bloody can't and yes being kind to those around you is important, it is a good deed and doesn't take much effort.

Good on you mate, hang in there and things will get easier

Wilsy

Thanks Wilsy - I'm going to give it my all to break this habit. I've got no option really - I can see so clearly how gambling will easily destroy the life I know if I keep returning to it.

Still stinging from the loss of money, the self-betrayal and lack of control, still hating myself for doing it. But I need to feel that for as long as possible - those are the feelings that will prevent me from thinking that gambling is exciting, fun and lucrative.

Day 5.

I'm still smarting from all the bad stuff caused my dumb and greedy relaspe.

But keping myself busy and trying my best to do and be good.

It feels like a predictable loop - I know that the strong feelings will die down and I'll somehow make sense of it - but I'm happy to be stuck in this mode at the moment - pure hatred for gambling and pure hatred for me losing a chunk of much needed money.