Time to take control

Thanks for popping over to my diary love...and your kind words.
I know EXACTLY what you're saying about finding the best way to tell ...the words just won't come out...the times never right. .I was worried how stupid it would all sound.....how on earth could a non addict understand ...when even us as addicts struggle to....I suppose it's about partnerships supporting each other through any crisis...sickness...work problems..family problems..addiction...any thing...
It's not the actual problem....it's the fact that one half of the unit...is in turmoil...so the two should come together and do the best to suport the other..
When my hubby was diagnosed with cancer...I didn't walk away...I didn't say...tough mate...you're problem...you sort it...
I just supported him the best I could....
During his surgery and radiotherapy....that was relatively easy...
Chemotherapy was a different ball game. ..turned him Into a nasty nasty man...always shouting and continuly picking on me....even though I was trying my best to nurse him as best I could...it never was good enough...or appreciated. ..but...I carried on...as partners do...when my addiction came out...he said..
How the hell could you have been playing slots on you're laptop while I was on the sofa nearly dying...your a selfush cow ! Lol
Maybe I was...maybe I wasn't..
The fact that I tended to his every need...wasn't allowed the telly on..it disturbed him...as did the Hoover...and any other appliance...he didn't like me leaving him alone...so never went out...so my laptop and the slots was my world...
I can understand how/why he behaved like he did whilst going through all his treatment. ...I can see he was scared...out of control of his future...so why shouldn't any partner suport the other with what ever is dealt them...
Jeezzzz .....that's a fare old jumbled mess...hope you get the jist of the story....
We don't know how we'll /theyll cope with things untill we/they are faced with them...
Anyway love....your days are adding up...and that's a great start to you're journey..x

Hi BW,

Haven't seen you on chat last 3 tines so just checking in to see if all is ok?

Hope you're being kind to yourself and taking it day at a time ☺

Stay safe & strong, things will only get better

S&B ...or SJ as you call me 😉

Hi guys.

Loxxie thankyou so much for taking the time to come over to my diary. Your a very strong person and everything you felt is how I feel.
How will a non addict understand if I don't understand myself. How stupid will it sound? How do I even say it right? How do I even explain it. The shame of showing my statements. Explaining how I was gambling when I was meant to be doing other things. Sounds like you were going through a very difficult time emotionally when you were gambling. Just escaping those feelings. You have done amazing.
I'm 43 days gamble free now!
I just wish I had the courage to admit my problem. It still makes me feel sick. Anxious.

SJ thanks for checking in. Haven't really been myself at all. So didnt really know what to say on my diary. Finding it hard to get onto chat with the times its on at the moment. But I haven't fallen back into gambling iv been strong. Will keep checking in.

Just need to pick myself up. It's very hard to be happy. Sometimes I laugh or smile at something then feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I should be sad.

But ill stay strong and hopefully will get better day by day.

BW

Firstly...well done on those days love....that's a thing to be very proud of...the more days you get under your belt...the stronger you'll feel....I completely understand everything you're saying /feeling....and like you I needed to get some strength...and get some of the debts at least under control...plans in place to show I was sorting this. ....it just made me feel stronger ...so I could at least have a posative statement to make...when I explained the problem I had..
" I'm a compulsive gambler...
But look at the fondations I've set to tackle this .."
It sort of gave me some kind strength. ..in the way that I could show I'm fighting for me. ...
Just do whats right for you love..
Just always ask yourself ...is this my addiction messing with my head....
Xx

Hi BW555 just picked up on a few similar thoughts ref not allowing yourself to be happy and I agree with Loxxie it's possibly gambling messing with you. I think they cycle of highs, lows and the guilt trains us to self punish and it'S hard to break. Even though I am further down the line I still don't feel 'normal' (whatever that is lol)and have ups and downs. But as long as we take odaat you slowly get away from the last time you gambled. Sorry to blab on but can relate to what you're going through, take care S:)

Hi BW

Several years down the line Mr L still can't explain it to me and I've come to accept it's never going to happen. He gets any understanding he needs from his GA meetings.They get it in a way I never will.

Prior to telling it would be a good idea to get something in place showing what you have done to block your access to gambling. You could include GA and counselling in that. Whenever you come clean, action will speak louder than words.

Hi BW everyone deserves to be happy. Who cares why you did it. just for today. Today is the only day we have to deal with.

Thankyou guys.

This addiction has completely messed with my head. I know I can never gamble again. There is no way I can come back to this dark place again. I'm going to set up gamcare councelling. I think I could really benefit to talking to someone. I do not wish these feelings upon anyone. This is a horrific addiction and the worst part is I have done it to myself.

47 days GF. Only the rest of my life to go. I really believe I can beat this just need to get through this. Thanks for all your support.

Hi BW555

Well done on 47 days, I too am awaiting my first counselling session with Break Even through Gamcare. I have had gambling counselling before and it is useful, I wish you well with it and your journey.

Wilsy

Thankyou wilsy!
Good luck with your session, no idea what I would have done without this place. Wish you the best of luck on your recovery! We can beat this.

BW

Day 49. Tomorrow I'll be half way to 100 days GF.

Well done BW ☺

You're doing It! Keep on moving!

S&B xx

Day 50. Feel like the walls are closing in on me. I'm mentally just a mess. I often think how great I keep it up on the outside but if anyone could see what was going on in my head!

All this because I literally can't find the courage to say "iv been gambling". But I can't get through Christmas like this. Iv got to do it.
I feel like im over the money lost. I'm over the gambling. I just can't get over the lies and keep questioning who I am? I'm actually sick of the same things going round in my head. The same feelings. The same thoughts. I'm annoying myself because I know being like this is not helping me!

Hi BW

Huge congratulations on 50 days GF, you've done great.

Sorry you are still not feeling great mentally. The aftermath of gambling and the realisation of what we have done is a lot to take in. Good that you are over the money and are staying resolution in your determination to stay away from gambling but the feelings of guilt/self loathing/shame are really difficult to understand until you have been through it. It will get better but I know that does not help today, have you managed to get some counselling? I have found that just talking to someone who will listen without judging really does help see through the thoughts that seem to constantly circulate round in our minds. I spent weeks telling myself really negative things in my head that were not helping me at all and had no real substance to them. My counselling sessions did help dispell a lot of them as completely wrong and without any foundation.

Good luck and keep it up.

Muststop123

Thankyou very much mustop.
I haven't yet been able to attend a counselling session yet. Just due to work and being further away from me. I do think that would help me so I do intend on going when I can. All these feelings are hard to bare at times. Iv never felt like this in my life before. Just finding it difficult and just the fact iv brought this on myself and iv only just realised how terrible this behaviour is. I believe in myself I will not gamble. I will not give in. Never want to feel like this again.

Day 51!