Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

Hi Wilsy, check out an app called insight timer its got all sorts of talks, meditation and mindfulness that can help with anxiety, its pretty good, even if you just do 10 mins a day.

Thanks Timetolearn i will do that, need to calm myself down

Hey Wilsy,

I can totally relate to you situation because I am in there right now. I am thinking to find a second job like a part-time because of the financial hardship that gambling left me with. But at the same time, I am depressed. I barely have my energy and strength even just for my current job. It takes a lot of energy for me to do every little things due to depression. Unfortunately, I seeked escape in gambling. Gambling is fun at the beginning but it caused me in deep trouble in the long run. Gambling is not an escape but it is a trap. Stay strong. Stay hopeful. Do one thing at a time. Live one day at a time... like baby steps.

Wilsy wrote:

DAY 12

Had a quiet weekend, watched the whole of series 2 of Stranger Things on Netflix, it's worth a look if any of you want something to take your mind off gambling.

For me I haven't been thinking about gambling at all, I've felt rather depressed reflecting on the financial situation I find myself in and the long road ahead in clearing off my debts. Life is hard for everyone I realise that but when you live with depression like I do, when you find it hard to get out of bed, shave, shower and eat then it is all the harder. Back at work this morning another week ahead and I am tired even though I had about ten hours sleep.

Just for today I will not gamble because a) I am skint and b) I don't want to gamble

Wilsy

Hi Merlins,

thanks for your post, you and I are alike then, I always turned to gambling when I was upset or depressed. It's taken me months to get where I am but I'm so fragile that someone only needs to hurt me and I go backwards again. Not eating or sleeping properly, not cleaning, not shaving etc etc, it is just s**t all we want is to feel normal but it certainly helps me that I am not gambling, at least I can see small progress financially, I'm just isolated and lonely. Keep srong buddy.

Wilsy

Well done on getting up sand going to work each day Wilsy. A huge achievement when you are low and filled with anxiety. I hope tomorrow is kind. Xx

Doing well mate, you're racking the days up

DAY 107

thank you Annie and Brandon again for your kind words I will post you back individually in a minute.

Well I am well on top of my gambling but my heart is drowing and I am feeling very very lost. Knots in my tummy, not eating and sleeping well and have gone back to barely being able to do anything. I have got myself into work, just don't want to do much and I am scared about the weekend, another 48 hours of isolation with my thoughts. I am hurting right now, I can't believe how I have just been treated, working up my anxiety so that I push and push and not one kind reassuring word back that I should just calm down and everything will be okay. I always think of others especially ones I love and care for, I carry their hurt and struggles in my heart and when I can't help or am not allowed to help then it raises my anxiety and I panic. In this world communication is important, people just need to sit down and talk sometimes, why treat someone you loved so badly and shut them out or blank or ignore them when they have your interests at heart. I don't ever want to carry in my heart hate or bad feelings for someone but when they won't let me explain or try get close to them and they continually hurt me, it leaves me feeling terrible inside, I can only make so many excuses for a person, I choose to ignore my thoughts telling me that they are just a horrible, thoughtless person, surely they aren't bad just troubled and struggling, I just can't understand it, it takes a seconds thought to say thank you, don't work yourself up, calm down, everything will be okay, good morning, I appreciate you caring etc etc, just at a real loss right now and am hurt. I don't talk to family and friends, I choose to use this diary to get out what I am thinking, this is my diary and If I decide to share my troubles with this forum and people I don't know then I will because I also need support and kind words to carry me through my day, why should I live with anxiety and depression on my own, why can't someone I love look out for me once in a while instead of hurting me more and bringing me down. I just want everything to improve I am impatient.

Guinea pig has her stitches out tonight, if I didn't have my two pests I would be so, so lonely at home. No thoughts of self harming myself which I have had to live with all my life but I've effectively started self harming myself by not eating again.

I feel sick and just need some kind words today so I don't feel alone.

Finally I am not talking to anyone I am simply opening up on this site. Nine months of not talking and sorting things and apologising is far, far too long. I am a forgiving person, I would hug and say sorry and make up but they hold the grudges and the bad feeling not me, it's cruel.

Hi Wiley

I would love to come on here one morning and hear that you had managed to find someone decent and trustworthy you could talk to because i have found sharing my thoughts rather than just letting them bounce around in my head has really helped me.

Until you do, just keep posting and get it all out.

Muststop123

thank you Muststop,

i really appreciate your support, just at a loss right now, so very, very hard. I would like to as well but I feel like giving up on everything, a lifetime of loneliness petrifies me. I have to let this out because they won't talk to me and I can't and won't talk to my family and friends, just wish they could see what they are doing to not just me but to them, it need not be this way, living with grudges and hate is not healthy and I don't hate or have hated anyone in my life, I have amazing friends and everyone has a kind word to say about me I've never found myself ever in this position where I am so frustrated by their actions, it's deliberate, selfish and very hurtful.

Just got to get through each day and keep my guards up I mustn't turn to gambling which I have always done to shut things out and self destruct, I am determined to not let that happen to me.

Thank you for the support Wilsy.

You're doing really well and holding it all together! Admirable for sure. Keep up the faith, things will get better, you're sooo worth good in your life!

Never give up Hope

S&B xx

Tough day today

Wilsy it sounds like you may need to let this person go from your life - they may need to focus on themself, and you on yourself. Sometimes the hardest thing is to let go of someone but in the long run it can be for the best. My ex husband had an affair and left me very soon after we were married - totally out of the blue -- at the time the hurt was unbelievable and I lost my home, my future, all my wonderful in laws and my dreams - but for my sanity I walked for miles, I talked, I ranted, but I let it go. Would getting a dog maybe help? I'm not s dog lover myself but when I see my current partner around dogs his mood lifts and changes no end, and they are company as well as needing to go for walk outside. I've heard that they are very therapeutic (although expensive). Anyway sorry to ramble and try and be kind to yourself. X

I've let go today annie. No can't have a dog just rent and not fair to leave alone all day. Thanks for looking out for me annie losing loved ones I really struggle to cope with

Day 108 Nieces birthday today so last night came round my mums for a buffet lifted my spirits. Got the closure I needed I've confirmation ... exactly what every one warned me about even my sister just didn't want to listen because I loved her. I've had enough of being treated awfully I'm now full of hate which will help me move forward and forget. .... This is my diary to vent and let things out and that's been long overdue no more excuses for her from me. Onwards and upwards.

Hi Wilsey haven’t read your diary yet but just wanted to drop by and say thank you for your message of support and to offer mine. I’ll read your diary soon too. Hope your good all the best