Trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel

Well done on day 2 and for keeping that fifty quid where it should be instead of throwing it away. I hope your session goes well tomorrow. I have made an appointment to see a medical hypnotherapist - a huge step for me. We can keep this up, and beat this xxx

Well where to start. Today was my first counselling session. I was quite euphoric at work, actually laughing. Got to venue early so went for a coffee. Sat down and then started having palpitations and tearful. How I thought had it come to this? Sitting waiting to bare my soul about a nasty addiction that has robbed me of 12 years of my life, made me not a nice person and thousands in debt. I did a quick crude total and figure I just have lost over 100k during that time and am still over 30k in debt.

Anyway, the session went ok I guess. I know that the gambling is a symptom, and that these sessions will help me face the root cause.....scary stuff.

Well for the first time I was honest about my gambling, something that I have never done before, and I cried and cried as i verbalised what it had done to my life, the guilt , the sleepless nights and the feeling of unworthiness. Got some great advice from the counsellor, and on the drive home I repeated the mates that there is no point looking back..just forwards.

So today I did not gamble and I feel a winner.

Hi skinnt

Well done and yes today you are a winner

Suzanne x

Hi Skinnt

Well done on such a major step 🙂 Have a good evening. 🙂 x

Thank you so much Suzanne and Ruthie. I will beat this addiction and value your support

Just wanted to say that I have taken the advice from the forum on the triangle, and have withdrawn the little bit of cash that I have in my account so I am not tempted. Purse is quivering with excitement as don't normally have cash in it as leave it in my account then I can gamble.

Morning Skinnt! (You'll have to change that name soon, by the way!). Firstly, am glad your purse is happier! Secondly, thanks for the image - the picture of your quivering purse will put a smile on my face today often. There are a couple of people on here who I definitely feel an affinity with - you're one of course - and I hope we all find more and more reasons to smile as time goes on and we work through this. Have a good day. Stay strong - and buy yourself a little treat if you can 🙂 xx

Hi skinnt

I only use cash now as my gambling was all online After bills and debts aRe paid I leave 8 in my account because I need 10 to play I have got used to using cash now and I know exactly what I am spending it suits me well

Keep going stay strong and positive

Suzanne x

Thankyou Ruthie and. Suzanne.

Well had a terrible nights sleep, think the counselling made me face up to a lot of issues. Went to work this morning and was tearful and down all day. In fact came home early as was no use to man nor beast!

Have had no inclination to gamble, in fact the opposite is true, but I know that this may change over time and that I can't get complacent.

Although I have sisters - 5 in fact, I truly feel the sisterhood on here, as it is the only place I can truly be honest.

I am a winner today because I choose not to gamble

Good luck on your abstinence. X jean

Hi Jean (nice to put a name to you!). I have sisters too but I think this is something that only those who are in it can understand and I wouldn't want to put any of this burden on them either. My older sister is currently in hospital having chemo and I am estranged from my youngest sister ..the middle one's great but still I will never share this with her. I'm the strong one, you know! Ha ha. Also, there are underlying causes which I don't really know how to think about, never mind put into words, so I'm a long way from being able to explain. On here, we don't have to...we get it, immediately, and truly empathise. I am certain that I would be struggling much more - or in a psych hospital - or back on the slots - if it wasn't for the support and understanding I am sharing on here. So, thank you..we can do this, together. xxx

Well I am back to day 1. Had 10 pounds in my account and managed to find a site that I hadn't excluded from.

Blocks now in place. If I am honest, I didn't even enjoy playing, just felt compelled to do so. My high risk time is late at night, and it's hard to distract myself as I can't go out gardening ect. At 11.30pm! I continued to be weepy and down following my counselling session, which is making me face things that are very difficult. However I have woken up today in a more positive frame of mind. I hope that I am at my 'rock bottom' as the thoughts of having to sink even lower is terrifying.

I got my statement today from the dmp, and although my debts are huge, around 30k, I know that I am addressing them and they are slowly being paid off.

On a brighter note, is is 8 days until my daughters wedding, so I am trying to focus on that, as I meant it to be the happy day that she deserves, so cannot go back into the black hole that I have been in the past few days.

So today, I will not gamble and I will,be a winner!

Hi Skinnt,

I had a relapse after 10 days of being gamble free and i felt sick and like you didn't enjoy it! That time i did around 400 in the bookies on the stupid roulette machine! I did manage to stop that day with a further 250 in my pocket, so i didn't blow the lot(a positive out of a negative for me)

Here i am writing this on your diary 148 days gamble free after that relapse in march!

It can be done.

You need to confide in someone about your problem(a problem shared) this will make things easier because its like a secret life.

you can never win because us CG's can never stop gambling!

stay strong and keep going, it does get easier!

Steve

Thanks Steve for your support. You are right i do need to confide in someone, but at the moment that doesnt seem possible. I havent gambled today and have had no inclination. Money needed to go into bank to prevent being over drawn, so i put in 20 and have drawn the rest out in cash (the money to get me through the week). I need to stick to the triangle and make sure that at my high risk time, i cannot gamble as i will have no funds.

i will be a winner and not give in to gambling

Good idea, if it's not in the bank you cant blow it online! I was the other way with the bookies so my problem was the opposite.

Keep going and keep posting, maybe join the 2014 challenge which is on the overcoming problem gambling tab. Its run by mr brightside who is just awesome with the amount of time he puts in to it. You just check in on a weekley basis.

Good luck it does get easier!

Steve

Hi jean

Slips are just slips carry on stay strong and focused well done for using the triangle

Wishing you a positive gambling free day

Suzanne xx