Trying to find the light at the end of the tunnel

Thankyou for your support - it's very much appreciated. Still been fighting the urges although I have had no money to gamble with anyway. Daughters wedding on Saturday so if I achieve that I will have done 1 week. That is my goal, I think that I have to do small goals at this point.

Ned to keep the triangle - no money in account at any time.

I have own today because I did not gamble

Jean

Well another day and another failure. Since I have recognised the need to stop and started counselling, I seem to be worse! I am aware the it is because I am refusing to face up to difficult issues, but I so want to stop. I will maintain this diary and be honest and truthful.

Jean

Hi jean

Well done on being honest

Never give up on giving up keep going

One day at a time

Suzanne x

Hi Jean

Honesty is hard sometimes, isn't it? I think you're right, the decision to stop brings a lot of scary things to the surface - all those things we have been hiding from/avoiding and the way we see ourselves has to come to the surface and the fear of that is a trigger for the CG to take over so it doesn't happen. That's how I see it, anyway, but I'm in early days yet. I've made an appointment to see a clinical hypnotherapist, but as it's not for a couple of weeks yet I'm not worrying - nearer the time I'll be terrified, making the appointment was terrifying. I hope though that facing the demons will help to remove them - and I hope it's that way for you too. Please get some blocks in place, remove the possibility of gambling - I honestly think that with opportunity I'd also have been back on the slots.

I wish you strength.

Ruthie.

Well I've got through today. Cash in purse and not bank. Blocks in place. By the time I pay debts next week on payday, I won't have the money to gamble and that will be my big test. Thankyou Suzanne and Ruthie for your support, it really helps. I've made a pact that every night when I go to bed I give thanks for three positive things in my life which are not gambling.

Jean

Hi Jean, I read your dairy and it already proves that you have definitely decided to put an end to this chapter and time for a new chapter.

We all draw strengths from each other here and I have certainly appreciated replies and positive thoughts in this community. After reading your posts I have noticed my losses and debt is nothing compared to yours but it gives me the scary thought that I could be the same if I don't stop now, so take no offence if I draw strength from you to stop me from doing the same mistake.

We can't change the history, but we can choose our future. Let us stop this constant cycle of self torture and misery. Let us find ourselves deeply and truly enjoy the life we have. I am certain there are much more amazing things in life that can give us the happiness that we yearn for instead of just throwing money away online.

For yesterday, I did some online shopping towards books and small cheap gadgets for rewarding myself for not gambling. It isn't a permanent way of stopping or distracting my addiction, but helps me to think of better ways to spend and use my money. It feels good that I actually money towards that is useful.

Sorry for rambling but I hope you do the same and find something to do that you enjoy or invest onto something that is worthwhile.

I will be here to check in as we can do this together!

Hi Skinnt

Well done on your journey so far, as i said before it does get easier!

Keep strong and keep posting.

Steve x

Thank you for your posts and support. Well today for the first time in a long time, I haven't thought about gambling.(only how I mustn't). Have had a quite good positive day and I will be a winner as I will concentrate on the good things I have in my life and not dwell or be drawn in to the negative things like gambling.

Well done to all those who are abstaining, I'm only at the beginning of my journey but draw strength from those who are walking it besides me.

Jean

Another day nearly over and remain gamble free. Followed Suzanne's idea of keeping only 8 in account, but forgot a dd, which will cost me and extra 15 as have no overdraft. I will work out my outgoing debts more accurately before next Wednesday when I get paid, and will draw remaining cash out, as that will break the triangle.

Had a positive day again today, the darkness I suffered last week seems to be gradually lifting. Whilst reflecting, I know that I am strong, I must have been to live like I have, juggling money and being deceitful, and getting away with it for so many years. I will draw on that strength to keep me away from gambling.

I know that it is suggested that we don't focus on our past losses, but if I had not gambled and become in debt, then I would not be working an extra five years until I retire. That's five years that I could have spent time with my husband and family finally enjoying life. So today I am a winner as I will not gamble and I will be a winner in life.

Good luck to all of you on your journeys

Jean

Hi Jean - how are you doing? xx

Sorry I have been MIA but been away for daughters wedding which was absolutely fabulous!

I haven't gambled whilst I have been away, but that was not necessarily because i was fighting the demons, but because there was no wifi access. However, to be honest, the thought didn't cross my mind to gamble as I was too busy. What I did notice on the way back home today, that I have been constantly thinking of it, which is a dangerous sign as I get paid on Wednesday and I tend to 'binge, gamble when I get paid, leaving myself struggling for the rest of the month. I am really trying not to this month, and have sorted out all my direct debits. I know people say just withdraw any excess funds, but in the past I could have gambled this before I go out of the door to work. To stop this I am setting up a transfer of funds to my daughters account, i have explained that I am trying to save up, so that it won't be in my account when I wake up on Wednesday morning. I will keep you updated on if this works for me.

I will win because I will not gamble.

Good luck and best wishes it those who re on this journey alongside me x

Jean

Hi,

One thing I have noticed from reading lots of diaries, there are a lot of women on this site. I thought gambling was something men did, I'm glad I'm not alone.

Stay strong, together we can beat this thing!

Hi jean

Well done for abstaining

Use the triangle tomorrow and win

Stay safe and take care

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, I have just spent an hour going through direct debits and setting up transfer to my daughter, so I have broken the triangle.

Still positive about abstaining, but I know that payday is my weakest time normally.

I will win because I will not gamble

Jean

Well I said I would be honest so here goes. I fell off the wagon big style. I gambled around 200 pounds, won 5000. Because I had to send details for verification, my withdrawal money was up back into my account. So imhave spent the weekend sneakily logging on and gambling, wishing my daughter would go home when she came to visit, so I could log on, staying up until 1 am, much to the annoyance of my husband, so I could gamble when he was in bed. So I gambled the whole lot away. I went to bed feeling sick, the money would have paid of a loan, and got my engagement ring from the pawn shop, ( it's due for redemption at the end of this month). The total I need to pay back is a grand and I have no chance now. My plan was to save some money this month and the rest next month, but due to my gambling, I am left with no money for the rest of this month, and will not be able to raise the funds even if I don't gamble now, to redeem it.

Perhaps this is my rock bottom, I don't know, as I thought I had already achieved that. I have a counselling session on Wednesday, and perhaps I can get more insight why. Self destruct with gambling. Sorry for the long post, but this is the only place I can be truthful.

Jean x