My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved by understanding frustrations were causing me great pains due to my unreasonable expectation of other people and life and now accepting the understanding that reducing my unhealthy expectations of other people and life today makes life far less painful and I am more at peace with myself.
For me understanding step one was a very important understanding of why I gambled and about what period of my life I became inept weak unhealthy and became very emotionally vulnerable.
Step one for me is three things surrender acceptance and understanding that life being unmanageable was not about the money the gambling or even the alcohol.
My life became unmanageable because of the feelings I could not process and heal in a healthy way.
Life became unmanageable because of my feelings of pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
That meant I could not heal my pains, also I could not face my fear, I could not understand why I had frustrations and why they caused me pains, loneliness were abandonment issues from my child hood and boredom was because I was not very productive with my time fulfilling my needs and my wants and did have a clue how important goals were in becoming a healthy person.
Often pain fear and frustration would cause me to react from anger and often transfer my pains fears and frustrations on to other people.
Today I understand that surrender was a sign of strength, today I understand that acceptance was a sign of strength and serenity.
What levels of pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom did I have on arriving in recovery did I have ten out of ten on for each on entering the spiritual recovery program.
What levels of pains fears frustrations loneliness and boredom do I have within me today is that healthy and progress today.
Am I able to understand recognize and then resolve my emotional issues today and also understand my emotional triggers.
I walked in to the spiritual recovery program back in 1969 did I have a clue how unhealthy spiritually I was then, do I stay in recovery today because I am in any way emotional tied to any way or form of gambling today, do I stay in recovery because I understand what is healthy and unhealthy today and I want to be successful in every spiritual way today.
Do I fear gambling today, no it is only a business it is like saying I am scared of going to the supermarket today.
The gambling establishments never made me do something I did not want to do, the gambling establishments were places where I wanted to escape and I did it very well sadly it cost me more than money.
Reagrds
Dave L
Aka Dave of Beckenham
Hi dave,
Fantastic post thank you for sharing your understanding and experience of step 1 there are lots of things that I can relate to and they resonated with me.
It wasnt about the gambling for me either it was about the masks that I wore when I gambled, today and each day i am more comfortable in my own skin and I understand myself so much more, I to have lowered the expectation bar, it was set so high that an Olympic athlete wouldn't have got near it lol.
I do hope you will come back again and share your experience of step 2
In unity
Blondie
Hi Blondie
It means so much that people can relate to me and who I was and who I am today.
For me the gambling addiction and obsessive behavior were just the symptoms that not all was well with me.
Yes masks built of fears and mistrust, now each day I am able to be more myself.
You say you are more comfortable then that means you are facing and over coming your fears excellent.
Talking about my skin and me being happy with myself at meeting today they asked if there were any announcements I said I was good looking every one laughed is that a good thing. LOL
Yes understanding myself and being self enlightened is very powerful.
Sadly my high expectation caused me a lot of pain by giving of myself unconditionally I have no more expectations of others today.
Sadly by not aiming for progress and not being satisfied with our own progress we set our self to be dissapointed in our self each time.
Progress not perfection
I will come back again and share my experiences.
Step two is linked to step twelve by the healthy spiritual values being demonstrated to us we learn to be more spiritual with our self, more caring more patience and tolerance, to be kind an patient with our self.
When we do healthy actions and talk healthy words we give our self approval and allow our self to be proud of our healthy actions and our healthy words today.
In unity
Dave L
Dave of Beckenham
Hi Blondie
The masks you mention were to protect the hurt inner girl in you.
As the walls of fear get higher you protect your hurt inner girl.
Sadly those same walls of fear stop you getting out and having healthy interactive realtionships.
I am glad that you are more comfortable in my own skin and being your self.
Yes once you have lowered the expectation bar, only then will you stop causing your self pain and hurting your self with unreasonable expectations
Reagrds Dave of Beckeham.
AKA Dave L
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