Uphill struggle

With respect I don't want to attend meetings.
At the moment, after the couple of weeks I've had I'm happy to be able to say I'm not gambling. I have no means to gamble and I'm working on getting my finances sorted.
I know I want to be gamble free. I've delved into my past. I know what I have to do in the present to get what I want for the future.
I have friends I can talk to if needs be, who know about my gambling and I have this website to share anything with when I feel my (non gambling) friends wouldn't understand.
When you're at your lowest (usually when lost money) you can feel very lonely.
I'm hoping I won't be in that position again because I won't gamble and lose any more money.
I'm feeling better in myself. I want this to work. I don't want to feel I can't make it work if I don't go to GA.

Just reread my last post. I dont intend for it to sound rude to either CW or HL.What I meant by the ending was because I don't want to go to GA I'm hoping I can still become gambling free.

You can make it work if you don't attend meetings. Many forum members do. It doesn't mean you're not putting as much in as say someone who does attend meetings. What works for one wouldn't always be a benefit for someone else

Thanks deano. I know I need to put the work in.
I've got to succeed. I don't want the life I'm living now. Only I can change it and the change I want is to be gf.

Thanks LML :)) Just noticing those simple things sometimes , I think I was so wrapped up in gambling for so long I missed all the important things in life especially those that cost nothing ?.

You know I was thinking along the same lines as Deano's post , HL and CW are both correct inwhat they say regarding GA and how well it works for so many but It's not alway's right for everyone , I'm not by any means dismissing it but It wasn't a route I wanted to go down , I had to give myself the opportunity to see how things panned out using other methods and this place and willpower and all the blocks I have in place have worked just fine for me for the last 14 months , everyone's so different , recovery's a bespoke thing and you have to try what you feel is right . I honestly think it's more about getting in the right frame of mind , covincing yourself , you really want to stop , you have to stop and that you can never safely gamble again , let all of the past stuff go , accept your losses and your debt's and maybe if you have to then look at them in a different way .

If you consider gambling as an illness for instance ? an illness that could potentially kill anyone of us if we allow it to ? , then if you had an illness that would take your life but you could be cured by paying a surgeon whatever debt youve ammased so far , for arguments sake £ 30,000 , would you not then willingly pay that surgeon that amount in order to live normally again ? .

If your gambling debt were then seen as a payment for a cure it wouldn't become such an issue , would it ? .

You're right Alan. Our minds and thoughts play a massive part in our well - being. It's that half full half empty glass scenario.
Sometimes I can nearly work myself into a panic attack thinking of my debts, other times I can shrug them off and say it's all part of life's big learning curve, no need to worry, I'll get there. Same situation but our thoughts determine how we end up feeling for that day, panicked or chilled.
What's the use of panicking? It doesnt change anything. When I don't gamble I feel in control. I feel stronger and have genuine optimism for the future.
I will not gamble I want to stay strong.

Hi, well done on your gf days. Besides the blocks it sure is about training your brain to think differently, draw a line under the losses your never going to win them all back, even if you have a small win you would give it back and more. The debts will come down if you stop gambling, look forwards never backwards. Smile each day you remain gf, sing your head off in the shower and dance around the kitchen x best wishes x x

Thanks anon. It sure is difficult sorting out what's best regarding debts without sinking into depression. Still trying to sort them. 3 months of bank statements no gambling debts then this last month - oh my, it seriously makes me feel sick just looking at it.
Well . . . I'm still breathing, I've still got employment and I've still got my wonderful family.
I've just got to keep gf hope my bank are sympathetic then move onward and upward.

By the way, has anyone heard anything from dizzymissy? I was just thinking about her and hoping she's doing OK.

Hey miss...thanks for the congrats..
Right. .. those debts !
Stop worrying about them hun. ..
Don't let them push you into a bad state in your head....yes... you are responsable for them....but don't let them become the weight on your shoulder that you defo don't need at the moment...
The companies you owe....can and will accept low payments...you may have to fight a bit...
Ok...it will take longer to clear...but at least it will make life easier at the moment...
Stay strong hun...you'll get there x

Thanks loxxie, watched 'this time next year' with Davies mccall again tonight. I find it quite inspirational. Some of the people overcome massive problems through willpower and determination. I found myself thinking 'stop worrying, look at the problems these people are overcoming.'
As I keep saying I've got to dust myself down. Embrace the positives and enjoy life. Here's to a brighter future xx

Hi LML , Just saw your post to Loxxie LOL ! .

I think many of us have spent so long in the clutches of gambling and feeling pretty miserable with life , It's nice now to have a few lighthearted laughs along along the way , It can get a bit raunchy at times but hopefully doesn't overstep the mark :)).

Feel free to jump right in anytime you like as there's usually a few lighthearted moment's going on most day's .

Lovely to see some great positivity coming from your diary as well and that yopur looking ahead to the good times to come :))

Enjoy your tommorow and best wishes

Alan x

Yo miss..
I'm glad my diary made you chuckle....
Even us addicts deserve a giggle or two....
Doesn't mean we arnt taking our recovery serious though...
It just goes to show...that without the chains of addiction...we're all still normal people...
Well.....all accept Alan....he's got a weird collection of stuff...
Well done on your days and your spirit....and remember...it's good to laugh x

Not one of my best days today.
My bank kept my card at their cash machine last night. (Unbeknown to me I'd tried to draw out over my allowed limit) I had to go and pick it up today.
The cashier pressed buttons on her terminal and all I could think was please don't be looking at all my gambling withdrawals.
She then showed the terminal to another lady and explained it had kept my card would she be able to give it back. Of course my guilty conscience thought she'd also be looking at the withdrawals.
After asking for ID (as expected) and making me write a signature they agreed to let me have it and said they didn't know why it had kept it. (I had enough money in to cover withdrawal.)
I do . . .it was quite a large amount and probably because of all the withdrawals I'd made on it over the last few weeks it thought something was going on.
I stood there feeling small, embarrassed and ashamed and promised myself that I'd never gamble again and make myself feel like this.
They probably didn't even look at my transactions but that's what guilt does to you.
Upon arriving home I opened a letter from my credit card company saying I had defaulted. Now I'm going to have to ring them. I've only had the card a month and had it on 0% interest. Now it looks like I've mucked that up. I paid an amount to cover it but in my gambling fogged head I had overspent my allowance by £30.
These things knock us down but I've to look at the positives. It helps to make me want to stop gambling all the more.
Another day gamble free. That's the main thing.
Still a long way to go but as long as I'm heading in the right direction I'm happy.
Keep fighting x

Another gf day. Days are building up again. I feel I'm on track for to better future. Long may it continue x