Uphill struggle

Diary, I'm struggling big style with who I am and what I am today. I hate this addiction. It's making me hate my life. I'm like a yo-yo - one minute fine, next minute sinking to the depths of despair.
I need to make so many changes in life or is it just this addiction that makes me think I need to?
Emailed krysallis to try to get more counselling. Negative thoughts, worry, stress, panic. All throwing themselves at me today in bucketfuls. Trying to work but really want to scream.
Hoping writing this down will calm me down, help me out. Got to get some hope back.
Massively sorry what I've become.

Hey miss...I can remember my head chucking thoughts like that at me...it's a very unsettling feeling hun. ...keep pushing on...each day at a time...keep ranting on here....the fog will settle......and then eventually it will clear......stay strong...youre doing well x

I'm glad I can give you some hope..
Yes...lots of c**P will come out/up whilst your fighting your addiction....PUSH through it ....your stronger than you think...
And don't forget to laugh along the way....something we forget to do when addiction had us chained to it...smileeee...it's your future love x

Hey miss...how you doing hun. .
X

Great...
You fight them hun. ...don't be bullied into what you can't afford...being skint is great amo for addiction to trick you into thinking you can win...
Do a budget and you tell them what you can afford. ...bet they'll except it after a bit of to and fro
No rush to repay it....knowbodues going to die if it takes a little longer to repay.....credit score shot....so what....it will improve in time xx

Hi lml thank you for post xx so sorry to see you've been struggling I really hope things better for you today. Emotions are a minefield aren't they? Despite how your feeling you still took time to encourage me hun that makes you pretty special person 🙂 I hope you can get your counselling sorted. I've only read a bit of your diary but will read it all later. If I can help at all hun I'm here take care Lu xx

Well, it's been over a week now since I've gambled.
Heads feeling in a better place than it was.
Problems still all around me but I've said it before and I'll say it again. It's amazing how your mental health suffers whilst you are gambling. When I lose I'm a wreck, (which I always seem to eventually do) If I had a big stick I'd probably beat myself with it!!
Yes I've had breaks from gambling before the longest been for 3 months but each time it's felt different.
Now I seem to be realising even more that I can never win. I won a fair bit last month. It should have helped me out and made my life better but I stupidly, gradually put it all back into the online slots.
That just proves to me that I cannot win because I cannot stop. That just tells me that there's no point in spending any money in the first place!
As time goes by it becomes more and more apparent to me.
I know all this, yet I still want to gamble. Yes, I feel it's a form of escapism. Yes, I love watching the reels spin but more importantly I realise that I would be a fool to do it again.
When I said each time I do things differently another example is before I'd go on free play thinking that because I wasn't spending any money I was OK.
I now see that doing this was stupid because it keeps my brain in gambling mode.
This time I stay off completely. It's the only way.
All good wishes to everyone who is struggling tonight.
You really aren't on your own. Loads on this site will understand you. I guess many will read your posts and send some strength across the airwaves even if we don't send you a post.
Take care all, sleep well.
Here's to better days x

-

Thank you for sharing such an honest post, it certainly made me think about things and realise more then ever the devastation this evil addiction causes. Best wishes and stay strong and positive x

Hi lml like anon I'd like to say thank you and I really hope your ok. Take care & best wishes Lu x

Trying my best to stay gamble free but when I read some other people's posts and they say they've cleared some debts off through being gamble free in a matter of months I must say I feel upset with myself. It makes me realise what an idiot I've been even more.
I would love to be able to watch my debts fall but unfortunately I don't have much spare cash when I have paid my bills so I only have enough money to pay bits off all of my debts and they'll take ages to pay.
I wish being gamble free meant I could see a dent in my debts with each passing month.
Anyway, I'm just waffling and don't take offence if you've written about your debts getting paid. I'm not wishing you can't, I'm just wishing I could!!
As a footnote I suppose I am glad my debts are at least getting smaller, therefore going in the right direction , even if it's not by much!!!
Onward and upward x

Hey miss..
Don't fret over the debts...it doesn't matter how long they take to clear. ..
What does matter ......Is today....and not gambling....and your doing well on that one....
You can't change the debt situation over night love....so try to let it go....
And the best thing hun. ....your not adding to them anymore......result !
Keep pushing love x

Hiya, come on stay strong and positive, the main thing to concentrate on like Loxxie said is that the debts have not got any higher and you remaining gf. If you read one of my posts I'm one of them that has paid off a couple of payday loans in the last couple of months etc., since being gf. Read post 21 on my diary in my short gambling spell from 2010 till 67 days ago I lost 147,000, I've drawn a line under that as I had to so that I could start recovery. Whilst my debts will be paid of in 14/18 months if I'm careful it's going to take me years and years to save the money I lost and a lot of overtime. But what's more important then all the money I lost is the memories I'm making now spending precious time with family , friends and helping other people. Keep fighting this everyday, life is so much better x best wishes x X

Hi lml thanks for post hun hope your ok? Yes I will and have stayed gf and your post gave me a real boost hun thank you. Can I do same for you keep going hun and the money will sort it self out and debt advice. I've got to catch up on your diary still but just wanted to give you a boost too hun Take care Lu xx

If there's anybody out there can you please give me hope because I'm in such a bad place at the minute, I've just lost the plot.
I feel I'm going to be like this forever and probably end up in the gutter.
Hate me so much. Total mess with finances. Don't want to sell my house but that's the direction I'm heading in. I know I've got to put blocks - why can't I???
So sorry to put this on you all. Please don't have a go, I know what I should do but at the moment I need a hug and hope x