Uphill struggle

Been out with my daughter and baby grandson today.
Had a lovely day. This may sound terrible to some but I bought lunch today for us. This is terrible because my daughter usually insists on paying and to be honest because I've usually little money I let her. I then sit feeling bad about myself, beating myself up for being a bad mother. Telling myself it should be me buying for her. My lovely daughter knows I'm on my own and struggling with bills so she insists. She doesn't know I also gamble.
Today I have little money available to myself but the money I have I know I can buy lunch because I don't need any of it to gamble with.
I love this feeling. I want to keep it.
That's the good news, here's the bad. . .
I want to still gamble. I still get the urges. I still fantasise that if I bet with higher bets I could clear some debts.
I'm being honest. I must be mad. I just have to keep telling my urges to go and swing for it.
I love treating my daughter. I love buying the odd take-away without feeling guilty. I love looking at my bank statements and not seeing any gambling transactions.
Keep going everyone, we can do this. We deserve happiness. xx

Bless you, it must have felt wonderful and made you feel good about yourself.

The urge to gamble is so hard to fight, I have had the same urges, but I am excluded and no finances in my control.

You so deserve to feel inner peace and you can and will overcome this time.

You deserve to be happy and I am right beside you on that x

Thanks IWSM your reply is appreciated. You may be interested to know that
I went to my friends last night. She knows about my gambling but doesn't know the extent.
Driving there I had the devil and angel shoulder talk going on in my head.
I really want to get my life back on track, I want peace of mind and to feel good about myself, be able to look at myself in the mirror again and stop inwardly beating myself up.
So there I am, two hands on the steering wheel and an angel on my shoulder telling me to give my one remaining usable credit card which has no balance on it and which I've kept for emergencies to my friend. She already has my others, (this one I'd previously cut up but sent for a new one after Christmas - just in case! )
On the other shoulder I had the devil telling me that if I handed it over, that would be it. There would be no way of clearing my debts. No chance of betting big enabling me to have a big win. I would be in debt for the rest of my life and there'd be nothing I could do about it. My wages cover my bills and cost of living, very little else.
At my friends house I had to make a decision - hand the card over or not.
I'm getting tired of stopping myself from being tempted to use it. I used to visualise how I'd feel in the morning if I had lost. Waking up to the realisation that i'd failed again. Beating my fists into my pillows.Telling myself i was useless and there's another debt to add to the list. Wondering if I'd ever be free from this hell. Writing on the 1 year challenge that I was back to day one.

I'm loving having the black cloud and the heavy weights from my shoulders lifted. Going out with my grown up children and treating them. I want to do that more often, so (and it took me till the end of the night) I handed the card over to my friends safe keeping.
Driving home I said goodbye to the hopes of a big win and clearing some debts ( I know it doesn't happen because we just put it back in if we do win, but try telling my stupid addicted brain that!!!) So I said goodbye to my fantasy big win and now I'm hoping it's hello to a brighter future!! ☺ xx

Wow yes I loved reading that !

Totally understand what it took to hand your comfort blanket over !!!

Ever seen the film ghost and Oda Mae Brown , she hands her cheque over to the nuns and the pain on her face lol

I am so proud of you ! You could have gone home as you say, tried , win or lose or would lose.

You would be off this site for a while, feeling all great or bad and the level it would take your mental health would be very very shhhitttyyy.

What you have done has really lifted my spirits today :)xxxx

Hiya LML, so good to read your posts, well done on handing the card over. looking at those bank statements with no gambling transactions is such a good feeling, isn't it? Keep on doing what you are doing, it's working x

Wow.....such lovely posative posts love....very proud of you....you're doing so well hun. ...you've fought so hard.....keep doing what your doing....xxxx

Well done on handing that last card over, can't have been easy but you know it was the right thing to do 🙂

Still not had my wine but just might attack that bottle later this evening, thank you for stopping by.

Take care

Mari x

Little miss look at you back on 50 days!

Well done.

Thank you for the kind words.

Think you need to let go of the unnecessary worry, negative and helpless thoughts you have to allow yourself to move forward. Using the Samaritans, krysallis, making the debt more manageable, quitting the Sunday job you didn't like and handing over the final card - all very good positive steps in the right direction.

Noticing a bit more of a positive tone to all your posts - I like it.

However, you did upset me a bit a couple of posts back Little miss lost.

Don't ever think that you're a bad mother.

I've noticed that you write lovingly about your four children and grandchild all the time. It's really nice to read. Then you worry because YOU buy your daughter lunch?

You are very obviously a great mother; that became abundantly clear a long time ago to anyone who reads this thread.

Your daughter will want to treat you - it has nothing to do with how much money you have or haven't got.

Still work to be done.

So far so good.

2017 - keep making it happen!

Thought id pop over and say happy 50th love....
Well done you...
Have a great day x

Thanks to all the above for your kind words.
Glint, I have to say you brought a tear to my eye!!
50 days, next stop 100!!
I've had a lot of messing about sorting my finances through no fault of my own but I'm now at the stage where I've opened a new bank account.
Letters are going out now to some creditors and as soon as the switch has been made to my bank asking if I can pay a very low payment. I can't believe they'd accept it but the man at citizens advice thought they would so I'm keeping everything crossed!
My counselling session went well,
Just nice to be able to talk to someone about my situation.Yes I've got my friends but I don't tell them the extent of my debts.
Thanks for the continued support
LML x

Hi all,
Had my baby grandson over last night - lucky me!
Two of my daughters and their partners came for brunch - absolutely loved it! So much better than working in the rain (the Sunday job I gave up two weeks ago!)
Productive week as explained above.
I've just stated on 2017 challenge - little miss lost now feels like she's starting to find her way a bit more.
Day by day, thanks to all on this site and counselling but I know the real reason is because I've not gambled for 53 days.
I must not falter. Happiness to all. x

To any new members, 54 days ago I was sat in my car outside my house in the freezing cold in the early hours of the morning (so my daughter who was in bed couldn't hear me) totally distraught, pouring my heart out to the samaritans. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that gambling had got me into. I hated myself. I hated gambling and I hated being in the situation I was in. A lovely elderly gentleman spoke to me from samaritans. I needed someone to talk to and he was there offering me so much support. I knew the only way I could feel better was to first stop gambling.
Don't get me wrong. Every day since I have thought about it. Every day i think about the buzz I got seeing 3 bonuses on the spinning reels but every day I remind myself of the despair gambling has caused me.
I just have to keep going. I want to like me again.
I hope I have many of you beside me, joining me along the way.
The peace of mind it brings to me is worth it. x

Little miss lost wrote: To any new members, 54 days ago I was sat in my car outside my house in the freezing cold in the early hours of the morning (so my daughter who was in bed couldn't hear me) totally distraught, pouring my heart out to the samaritans. I couldn't see a way out of the mess that gambling had got me into. I hated myself. I hated gambling and I hated being in the situation I was in. A lovely elderly gentleman spoke to me from samaritans. I needed someone to talk to and he was there offering me so much support. I knew the only way I could feel better was to first stop gambling. Don't get me wrong. Every day since I have thought about it. Every day i think about the buzz I got seeing 3 bonuses on the spinning reels but every day I remind myself of the despair gambling has caused me. I just have to keep going. I want to like me again. I hope I have many of you beside me, joining me along the way. The peace of mind it brings to me is worth it. x

You are 54 days down the path. The thoughts and urges DO fade, and instead come clarity and focus.

Good things will start to happen, just stay strong.

We all walk together,

Sbb x

Hi LML, thanks for your post 🙂

You are doing great and treating recovery with serious action! In time those urges will fade and life will become easier again.

Keep doing what you are doing - hang in there with time it will be SO WORTH IT!

Tommy.

Hi Little Miss Lost, and thank you so much for your kind comments on the "We can and we will" thread the other day - it was really appreciated 🙂 and congratulations on 54 wonderful GF days so far 🙂 🙂 !