Uphill struggle

A novel ?? Do you know me ??

Thats exactly what I am doing in my spare time.

Ill pick you up for my book launch in my lear jet !

Sbb

LML, #206 and #207 are so good to read. Well done. I echo Glint's comment, you are a good mum, and because you are a good mum you feel more deeply those times that you have acted in a way that has adversely affected your kids....the thing is, your children may not even realise it. The night my son came home for a weekend, I chose to spend in the casino....he didn't know what time he was getting home, he was happy for me to be out 'enjoying' myself...that decision pains me now, as I chose gambling over my son, but I have to let it go. It is the past. Keep on moving forward. We are better people for not gambling x

Thanks for all of the above posts. Sbb I'll keep you to that!!!
Rhoda, when I look back at my life I realise all I look at are the times where I have made bad decisions. I constantly beat myself up. The stupid thing is I do all I can for my children so you're right, they don't see everything and they can't read my mind.
I've just got to learn to accept my bad decisions and keep doing what I'm doing now. The main thing is I've got so much I can be happy for, i've just got to accept the past and enjoy the present instead of beating myself up about things I can't change.
Gambling has robbed me of my personality as well as my money.
It changed me as a person. I hate the person it made me into.
I want to get back to being kind, caring, funny and open - don't get me wrong I know I wasn't perfect but I wasn't the moody, miserable, silent recluse that gambling turned me into.
I want the sun to shine in my life again, it's starting to peep through the clouds, purely thanks to me being 60 days gf. It's up to me to continue on this road, to allow it to shine through completely. I long for that day.
Thanks for letting me ramble, strength to all xx

Hi lml thank you for your post to me it really does mean a lot. I'm struggling but still gf. I am just taking it one day at a time because it's an extremely powerful addiction isn't it and last time I thought I had cracked it but I hadn't. Thank you your words mean a lot Lulu xx

3.30am and sat on a goddam demo playing my favourite slot.
I flipping hate being on this flaming emotional roller coaster.
Flipping get a grip. Stop playing the demo slots and start getting back your life.
I must be sick in the head. Why would I spend hours doing this??? I know I've got to retrain my brain, that means abstain completely. I've told others that on this site! I know I haven't spent money but i still feel a failure.
I'm off work this week. I've got a lovely week planned. Why oh why then should I feel the need to sit watching reels spin around.
I'm not going there any more. It's got to stop now. I'm now going to sleep and hopefully miraculously wake up a different person.
Sorry to anyone reading this. I probably frustrate many people with my up and down posts but to be honest this is what I am. I wish I wasn't but . . . One consolation I'm not losing money but I am wasting time and messing my head up. It's got your stop.
Thanks for listening.

You know there's only one reason those demo games exist and the companies that promote them don't have your best interests at heart.

Blocker? If not ditch the device? It really is possible to live without 24/7 connection even if it might mean a little inconvenience.

Hi lil miss,

Ohh..i see what you mean. I had few crazy times on demos since June. Not sure why we do it but it's definitely not healthy!
As it's been said before (surprise surprise..from my own gob) - if you tease lion on it's whiskers you will get what you have asked for in the end & that's definitely not good stuff!

All i do now is trying to occupy myself if urge for "escape" arise. Go for a walk or a rant on my diary..read a book (on the 12th now in last few months...) or just do some breathing exercises.

Have you got family? Hubby or kids?. Spend more time with them! Create, talk, laugh, challenge, discover ☺..it's all fun fun fun to be around loved ones...& also you need to let your mind to rest...night time is exact time for that. Think about positive stuff...plan your day ahead in your mind...it might help you to get your mindset in correct place before nodding off ☺

You're doing great! Keep fighting for your life. You're worth only the best... so please, go & get it 😉

One day at a time

S x

You don't frustrate anyone with up and down honest posts. Inevitably there's going to be a mess left behind from a gambling addiction. I cannot think of any regular poster on here who has only posted 'up' posts.

Addiction or no addiction - that's not realistic.

Your focus is on what others think rather than what you think of yourself. That's where work needs to be done.

"Hopefully miraculously wake up a different person."

You're selling yourself short again Little miss lost.

You don't need to 'hope' things will change if you 'make' things change. One gives you no control, the other is you starting to take control - which you have been with the counselling, handing over the credit card and sorting the debts.

Back to demo slots, you feel week, you lose sense of control - you're left with 'hope'.

You 'hope' you win at slots, you cannot 'make' yourself win at slots.

I've tried.

The more you start making things happen the more belief you will have to go from 'making' to 'knowing' that you can deal with things.

I know you can do it Little miss lost.

Lots of work still to be done.

You have to keep challenging your negative thoughts that are holding you back.

From your posts we have established you are a great mother, grandmother, sister and friend. That's quite clear. Very good contributor here too.

No need at all for a 'different person'.

Just a mindset adjustment.

Up and down posts.....your telling the truth, that's what it is!! Mine are the same. It's part of the journey. You've not gambled money but you're gambling with your mind...kick those demos to the curb! Cmon your doing so well you deserve the happiness xx

Thanks lethe, hopeful soul, glint and Lady h. I Really appreciate your messages.
What a couple of hours I've had. Remember I said I gave my credit card to my friend a couple of weeks ago because I couldn't trust myself with it? Well guess what I got through the post today - another flipping one!! All I can think is the date must have been up on the other.
So stupid, dumb, life wrecking brain goes into overdrive. . .' It's a sign that I should give it one last try - put in ВЈ500 and if that fails go to a £1000 - no more than that though. Just imagine how great it would be watching those bonuses come up. You should get a few Дєf You could get your debts down. Bet high win high'.
On and on and on it went urging me to go on. . . .
I must fight back. This is my first school holiday that I've had for a while where I haven't gambled it makes me feel so much better in myself.
I've been shopping and bought little luxuries! All thanks to the fact that I haven't gambled.
Disappear card. You're going to be out of here. You're not getting a penny off me!
Still upsets me though how weak I am and how I feel the urges are still as bad as ever, gets me down thinking I've a lifetime ahead of having these urges. I could cry!!
So tired, night x
Xx

Hey your doing well, look at the postitives, you did not give in today, you beat the urges therefore you are winning now. You said it's the first school holidays in a while you have had money, that's only because you didn't gamble therefore your a winner again. The urges do get less and less, do you think you may benefit from some cognitive behavioural therapy? Addiction messes up our thought processes and some times we need a bit of help. gambling leaves all sorts of scars that have to heal,which takes time x take care and be proud of how far you have come x

Hi Little miss lost.

Just wanted to reiterate how well you are doing especially as you are still getting lots of urges (which is very normal). You are managing them great so please don't think badly of yourself. Instead, remind yourself that thoughts are merely that! They are not actions and they do not do anything physically. The important thing is how you managing those thoughts and you are doing a really great job of managing these.

I have been reading your diary. I am female and similar age to you - 54.

Take care and keep striding ahead (or mini steps) if necessary. It doesn't matter how, just as long as you it takes you forward.

Our Lady.

Massive thanks Anon 100 and our Lady.
I've just looked up cbt Anon. I'm seeing a councellor at the moment so I'll mention it on my next visit.
Well I woke up this morning, first thing I thought of was 'what did I do last night?'
Felt massive relief when I remembered I hadn't gambled. Stupid addiction. I still seem to be allowing it to play a big part in my life. That credit card has to go!!
Good news, I haven't been on a demo since my last post where I was up at 3am mentally beating myself up.(Monday) 60+ days gf now!!
I've been so lucky. I've had a lovely week off work, as previously stated I usually spend them regretting the losses I've made. This time I've been out and about having a lovely time. Today I'm getting together with my 3 daughters and seeing my gorgeous little grandson.
These gambling demons which we fight against want to take these precious moments away from us. Today I'm going to meet up with them and not have that feeling of guilt and self - disgust weighing me down, darkening my mood. They deserve to have a mum who doesn't have to 'pretend' to be happy because of what gambling has done to her mental health. Today they'll have a mum who they can be proud of.
I'm providing/taking the lunch (how sad, that in itself makes me happy. When I was gambling I just didn't have the time, inclination or to be honest I didn't want to spend the money - so sad it's brought a flipping tear just writing it! How low this addiction can take us . . ) We regularly see each other but it's lovely for us all to be in the same room at the same time, work commitments and all that.
Thanks for reading. Strength and happiness to all. X

Lovely to read Little Miss. Have a lovely weekend.

Our Lady.

Thanks Our Lady,
I had a lovely day yesterday and to finish it off I got rid of the credit card that I'd been sent.
So much easier to stay gamble free with no access to funds. It makes no difference to me that I'd be spending money which wasn't really mine. Unfortunately my morals where cash is involved changed years ago when my addiction took hold.
Reading about others downfalls does affect me. I feel for them because I know I could easily gamble again myself.
Our scrambled brain tries to make us imagine us winning when in truth it's not going to happen.
Relapses happen, we feel dreadful but I feel it does help us to realise that what we're looking for will never happen therefore when we try again I think we do think twice before we relapse again.
I told Deano and Oldham that it was having to post on their 2017 challenge that I'd failed which helped me to not gamble when I had a new credit card screaming at me to deposit in my hand.
I didn't want to say I'd failed.
I want my life to change. The only way I can do this is to build myself up. Get some pride back in myself and enjoy what I have already in life. It's all there for me. I don't need to gamble. I just have to keep reminding myself and count my blessings.
Waffle, Waffle, Waffle . . . lol!!
Happiness to all x