Uphill struggle

I've just been reading 'favourite posts' posted by Michelle on the overcoming problem gambling section. It's worth a read for anyone who needs a bit of inspiration.
I'm in a good place today. I want a better life. Being gamble free will give me a better life. 67 days and I can feel some changes already. I look forward to a future where I will be at peace with myself which in turn will make me a better person for others. x

Hi glad to see a more positive post, wishing you many more happier gf days x

Thanks Anon. I'm just concentrating on realising I'm feeling so much better without gambling. I want it to stay like this and I know it can only happen if I keep away from those online slots.
My wages went into my new bank account today, direct debits will come out tomorrow and I'll be left with a balance meaning I'm not overdrawn!
Yes I've got debts elsewhere but I'm sorting them. Yes it's a ridiculously low amount that I'm paying but I'm putting them in that box at the back of my head and loving the fact that I haven't had any casino withdrawals for 2 whole months!
Loving this feeling! x

Hi Little Miss

Lovely to read that you are starting to feel the benefits of remaining abstinent. Seeing your bank statements with no gambling transactions is such a boost isnt it? Like you, I am paying back a small amount compared to my overall gambling debt (£41k). I refuse however, to dwell on this and just tell myself that at least I am contributing to this debt, have not gone bankrupt and have got a roof over my head with a fair bit of equity in it. I also have no overdraft facility which means that every time I do go onto my online banking, I can only ever be in credit. Who knows what might happen in a few years?? I may be able to pay off this debt in one go. The important thing is the "here and now" and enjoying being in the present moment. You enjoy to the fullest. You have earned it.

Have a lovely day and continue with your great progress.

Our Lady.

Sooooo day 72 gf. Driving home from work thinking yep I'm feeling OK. This last week I haven't struggled as much as other weeks. I'm starting to accept that I get nowhere with gambling. Short term highs with long term lows. When bam. I get home, look at Gamcare and read about somebody's wins.
The first couple of months after stopping gambling I had it in my head to put ВЈ1000 on my credit card and bet with £5 spins. Then if I win it'll be decent and might even pay some debts off.
Over the last couple of weeks, I have just about convinced myself that this wouldn't happen. I'd just end up in my debt and hate myself all over again.
For a while my head went into overdrive, telling myself 'see it can be done, you could clear some debts!'
I wasn't interested that the winnings were lost in the end. (I think they were, I only skim read it)
I wasn't interested on other members responses, I just thought look what a £1000 could do?!
I'm getting my sensible head back on now and giving myself a good ticking off for letting it affect me like it did.
My intentions are not to blame or upset anyone with this post, in fact in one way it has taught me that I have built up the capacity to look ahead and not put rose coloured glasses on where gambling is concerned.
It's made me think - OK you put money on and you're winning - when would i stop? ВЈ1500, £2000, 3000, 6000? The answer to that Is i don't really know. I've been winning before and put it all back in - eventually.
I could also put £1000 in and lose it in 20 minutes. That's where my thoughts need to concentrate on.
Loving my non gambling head at the moment. Life is so much better. I'm starting to like myself again. Still lots of issues regarding my debts but I'm feeling so much happier in myself. I'm loving this feeling and staying gf, things can only get better.
Once again I don't want to upset. I'm OK, just pointing out how difficult this addiction is to control but I'll keep trying because my family and I are worth it.
Thanks for letting me ramble,
Have a wonderful gf weekend all. X

Well LML You're doing fantastically well. You are fighting like a warrior against the mind torture which is this gambling addiction. I know it's a combination of the buzz and thoughts of winning money to pay off debts, to make you feel happy and more secure.

I still get the same thoughts: What if I could bet £100 to win £1000, then increase the stakes to win even more. but it doesn't work like that. We have to quash these thoughts completely, from the onset. I continue to have outlandish notions of winning a fortune - but then I have to get real, and tell myself that although it's a nice idea - it's not going to happen!

It certainly seems like you've got your finances in order and it's probably best not to think about the repayment term for the outstanding debts. Be happy for this moment - For this moment is your life.

Hi little miss

Lovely to hear how much you are enjoying remaining gamble free. We all get thoughts like that at some time or other. The good thing about thoughts however, is just that - thoughts in our mind. As long as we don't action those thoughts then all is good.

Have a wonderful peaceful and happy weekend. You deserve it.

Take care and so wil I.

Our Lady.

Thank you for you kind responses change my life and our Lady.
What an addiction this is indeed.
I, like many others never thought I'd find myself in this position but here I am.
Now I'm slowly starting to pull my head out of the sand that I've conveniently buried it in for the last 5 years and carefully wiping the sand from my eyes I can see the mess I have created.
Yes, I'm loving that the dark clouds and the heavy weights have been lifted from me but I also feel sadness.
Sadness that I've thought so little of myself to let me get to this.
Sadness that 6 years ago I experienced a heartbtreaking break-up that made me look for another way of coping with every day life. Unfortunately filling the void with online slots was introduced to me.
I met someone a few years ago who I care for very much but he came with problems of his own which affected me, therefore I still felt the need to run to the slots.
Today I know I have to sort those problems out. I now feel i have the strength to put my case forward. I am worth considering. I know I am not perfect but I have to sort these problems because they're making me unhappy.
This may sound garbled but I suppose what I'm trying to say is because I knew I had a problem with gambling I felt as though I had a dirty secret so i couldn't push any issues. Now I feel happier and stronger with myself I'm hoping to take control of my life for the better, therefore creating a happier future where I don't need the crutch of gambling to get me through every day.
Thanks for listening, happy days everyone. They're there if we work hard on blocking gambling and allow them to come. xx

Hi lml

Thanks for the post.

Although I can very much relate to post 230 I still find it crazy the thoughts that go through our heads. Like let's put one grand on a credit card see if we can win some to pay debts off. I thought that way for a long time. I remember some year's back drawing 500 a time on a credit card just trying to win my loan payment crazy?

You're doing really well and it's good to see life is improving for you as well . and you're regaining control of your life I really hope you do have the happy future you deserve. Well done on your over 10 week's bet free.

Keep fighting

Deano x

Thank you so much for your kind words to me. I really appreciate it, made me feel I am not alone x

You're welcome casey, I remember how a break up hurts.
Even though I thought I'd never feel happiness again I'm pleased to report that I did.
Just got to get this addiction under control then I'll be ready to take on the world haha!!
Take care x

Hi little miss lost, thanks for the reply on my diary.

You are doing so well and it's such an inspiration. Glad to hear you are starting to get everything under control. We will manage to beat this!

Hey Little Miss

Thank you for your kind words in my diary.

Yes I have been busy today but what was great about it was that I was also relaxed. We both know full well, those unbearable feelings we get, when we have yet again, gambled all of our hard earned salary away.

You sound similar to me in that you are surrounded by a loving, caring family, who bring you lots of contentment. You are also hard working and someone who does not quit. You may have had some lapses recently - I'm sure the percentage of people on here must be quite high. That's ok if we learn from this, pick ourselves straight back up and concentrate on making things better again.

You have tried so hard to sort out your finances with the bank and step change etc. It took me way back to when I was doing all that and contacting stepchange. They were so nice to me and I remember the guy, when I was distraught, telling me not to worry as "we" would get it all sorted to something I could afford. Yes my debt at present, is not due to be paid off until another 20 years or so but I remain positive and somehow, believe that I will be in a position, to pay back this earlier. I know that if you have a lump sum to offer, this debt could potentially half!! In the early days, I had so many letters from debtors, asking If I could pay them back now, they would half the debt!! Unfortunately, at the time, this was impossible.

When I was reading your diary, I was so hoping that you would not have to sell your home. Like you, I had too much equity in my home to go bankrupt. My home is my haven - my safe place right now. I don't know what I would have done/felt, if I would have had to give this up, due to gambling!!!

I said in one of my earlier posts, living in the present is so important for people in our position I feel. Why worry about something that has happened/past? Why worry about the future, when we don't know the outcome! We can only be sure of the here and now. I'm okay with that. Yes, like you, I would always worry about what other people were thinking. Like you, only two people know about my gambling - my brother and sister and I am happy for it to remain this way. Mainly due to the fact that I am such a private person and more so, my friends and family, including my son, would just be absolutely gobsmacked, given that I am usually such a sensible person, especially where finances are concerned!!

You should see your past slips as just that - coming to terms with getting to grips with becoming gamble free for once and for all. Simple as! For me, self exclusion from all sites have worked the best. Like you, I did not want to put blocks on my phone/iPad as it messed up too many other things.

Apologies in advance if this is a really long post. I hope you don't mind?

Take care and go easy on yourself.

Our Lady.

Thanks Our Lady, don't mind me, you chat away!!!
Don't ask me how but I'd missed your post and have only just read it!
You're right, we do sound similar in many ways.
Sorting my debts has been a problem. Step change were very kind but my circumstances caused me not to be able to use them at the moment. I'll say no more!
I've gone through citizens advice. Credit cards have replied but I'm still waiting for a final confirmation about repayments from my old Bank. I'll have to ring if they don't get in touch soon.
I know things will probably get passed onto debt collectors but I'll deal with that when it happens.
I now have a bank account with no overdraft. I have one credit card with nothing on it which my friend keeps for emergencies, all my other credit cards are blocked and my credit rating will be so bad soon I probably won't be able to get anything else.
I just want to have less stress/worries in my life.
The only way I can do this is to remain gamble free - full stop!
If things stay the same, I'll have these debts forever. They won't get paid quickly at a couple of pounds a month! I just have to put them thoughts to the back of my head.
I'm trying hard to stop my brain from getting access to slots. I've not been on demo slots for a while now. To be honest I seem to be a bit in limbo. I still want to play slots and get the buzz I got from slots but I know everything about it is not good for me so I shouldn't.
My debts aren't going down but I suppose they're not going up either.
My emotions are a bit like a yo-yo but I've just got to remember I was far far worse when gambling.
I read on here people saying they definitely don't want to gamble again. I'm envious of them because I think I do want to gamble but I know that if I do it messes with my head, makes me a wreck and takes all my money - so why do I still want to?? - crazy!
Stay strong everyone and love to all xx

LML. Thank you so much for the message on my diary. I in so many ways, are facing up to the reality of my life today. That is scary for us. Keep wrestling, keep fighting, we will win in the end.

Julie x