Uphill struggle

Just a note to say I'm still here. Still gamble free.
Absolutely loving walking around my daily business without having the dark and heavy gambling cloud on my shoulder.
Anyone out there who is suffering at the moment, don't despair. You can come through this.
I know you'll probably not want to hear it but if you're serious about stopping, put blocks in place, (you'll find advice on this forum.)
So many of us have, for one reason or another found ourselves in this position, a position that once upon a time we wouldn't have even imagined. Ring gamcare or the samaritans - for the majority of people it really is good to talk.
I now have no means for credit and my bank balance is still being checked by my daughters, to see no payments come out. (My problem was online slots)
Not the ideal situation but it's one I have to be in to make sure I can start rebuilding the kind of life that I want for myself.
It's a small price to pay for happiness.
I still read a few diaries and want to say well done to all those who are staying strong, determined to kick this debilitating addiction into the gutter, where it belongs. Never give up.
All good wishes
Lml xx

LML I'm glad that you are still going strong despite the continuing financial struggle. Maybe we all wanted too much too soon. Money for nothing. Luxuries of life. We were drawn into the world of gambling and were thrown out the other side... Keep on being strong!

Lovely post miss...
Made me smile...
You're spot on hun. ..lifes wonderful without slots...
Xx

Thanks for your kind words changed my life and loxxie.
I know I've been here before. I know I have to be on my guard.
I know my life is so much better without throwing money away on those online slots.
I feel such a better person and have more self respect. When I gamble and more often than not lose, I struggle with who I am.
When I don't gamble the person who I used to be starts to shine through.
I don't want to struggle any more.
Roll on summer - sunny happy days ahead!
All good wishes x

Hi Lml

Lovely to read that all is going well for you once again.

Take care.

Our Lady

Hi Lml thanks so much for posting earlier, indeed we have had very similar journeys. I think I have just had 2/3 of wallowing in a giant vat of self pity which will get me nowhere, your words ring true so I will do my very best to try and lay the past to rest, learn from my mistakes but not carry them as a burden forever. So glad that I am not stuck in the circle of gambling and living life as a bag of nerves, I'm gradually building up self respect and self worth. So thanks again and here's to our GF futures S:)

What a horrible addiction this is! On the whole I'm feeling good because I don't have the weight of having just made losses hanging around my neck. I remember that feeling well.
I've been gamble free for a few months now though it feels longer!
It must be that three month itch i get, back again.
The cause of it is maybe because I have a little bit of spare money in my bank. At first I was so pleased to see my account showing some money that I looked at it for a few days running, just so I could bask in my glory but then . . .
These last few days I've been stupidly wanting to gamble again. The urges are back, the kidding myself that I may win has crept back into my thoughts. I've even thought I don't mind if I lose £100 as long as I have a go on the online slots. Madness!!!
Why oh why won't these urges go away. I know all the heartache it causes first hand!!
Well, I'm happy to say that I have gone against my stupid thoughts, visited my daughter, told her I'm struggling, drawn myself some cash out and transferred my spare money into her account. I'll get it back as and when I need it.
It's not easy eh? I almost left her house without admitting my struggles. Stupidly, nearly thought I'd rather struggle than to have to admit to my daughter that her mother is still an addict, trying to be in recovery - really not my finest hour but unfortunately it had to be done because if I hadn't she'd have seen withdrawals when she next checked my bank account anyway. (A block I'd previously set up upon admission to my adult children of my addiction)
Well, I'm waffling. I'm now looking forward to an evening where I don't have to fight the demons because I know I've no money to gamble with. Tonight I don't have to compete with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other!
As I said at the beginning of my post it's a horrible addiction but it's one I've got myself into and only I can get myself out of it. It really does depend how much you want to.
Only put this down because it may help others in a similar position to me, to recognise you're not alone. It's really difficult to fight some urges. Don't give up. We want and deserve better for ourselves and gambling will never work for us. Its true, we cannot win because we cannot stop.
All good wishes to everyone x

You have the strength..keep on going & winning...you clearly have a common sense...well done!!!

I learned a lot from you today..thank you for sharing

Sandra x

Hey miss. .great honest post love...and big hugs for not caving in...massive respect to you for turning to your daughter for help and support when that urge hit
you......you can do this this love...you've already come so far. .don't let that addiction suck you in...you're better and stronger that that....sleep right...xxx

Before I finished reading the end of your post I was thinking 'maybe give someone else the spare money etc' but you had already done it! Don't be too hard on yourself, inner strength batted off these urges to get you to where you want to be. Also your post will show others it can be done (including me! ) So keep going, inspiring others and remaining GF, take care S:)

.

Hey LML...

Firstly thank you for a hug..greatly appreciated ☺ i seem to like them more now so here one goes bk your way!!

Also thank you for a lovely post. Positivity shining through and it's lovely to see it.
Life is an adventure...ups and downs. Sometimes we cannot have everything we want and most of the times things are out of our control...that's just life but as SA says.." it goes on" ☺

But we can change some things, ....like fighting urges to gamble and look for help...it's out there and we can do it. Start doing things differently, accept support, forgive ourselves for the mistakes and move on.

No matter what and no matter how tough going gets... - never ever give up. That's the rule for life. Always remember - "there is sun after the rain". Keep reaching for that freedom dear soldier, you're on the right track.

Thank you again.

Sandra x

Thanks to all above. It's lovely to receive your support.
There's no doubt about it life can become complicated and quite stressful with all the problems that can come with just every day living.
The times I (and no doubt many of you) have wished to be able to run away. Start life again where nobody would know of me or my past.
Would that be the solution though? Truly,why would I think like that because I could never imagine not seeing my family regularly. But oh sometimes when I've got myself so low it's seemed like the obvious solution. Run away, Lick my wounds and not have to face anyone.
A way to cope with being the person that this addiction has made me become. I sometimes can't belive what I've become.
I know I can't run away. I know I have to face up to admitting I've messed up. Now it's time to clean the mess up. Only then can I feel worthy of looking the world in the eye again and saying 'Yes, it's me. I've made mistakes in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm not worthy. It doesn't mean I'm a horrible person. I just want happiness like most others. I will find that happiness even if it's just waking up in a morning and thinking to myself 'It's a new day. One I can look forward to facing and sharing with others. One where I have not brought any upset and turmoil upon myself. One where I can feel free from this addiction. Where I can feel in control of it and not have it control me. That day will come because I'm tired of hurting. I have to take control of me. I have to be happy with who I am. I only have one life and it's there for living. I've moved a step closer to achieving my goal. I've admitted I have problems. I have reached out for help. I'm so lucky to have received help with love and understanding. I will get there. Life could be good, if only I'd just allow it to be.
I wish happiness to all on this site. It can be very lonely living with this debilitating addiction. If possible try to get some help. Sometimes we all need a helping hand, it's not a sign of weakness because you have to be strong just to ask. We all deserve another chance.
Lml xx

Hi LML. Thankyou for that lovely post on my diary , really lifted my spirits ..x stephen

Stay strong LML. "Surf the urge". Just like a wave, it/they, will eventually coming crashing down. You are doing so well and like me, you are lucky to have a loving supportive family who are there for us as we are them.

Take care.

Our Lady

Still here, looking in on the site every now and then.
Still getting used to checking my bank account and seeing it's still got the same amount in as it had a few days ago. It may not be much but it's still there and not overdrawn.
Had a chat with my eldest daughter about how easy it was to become addicted. How I didn't feel it creeping up on me until it was too late.
We only touched on it but it was still something to just be able to talk about it.
To be honest I think it helps my family as well.
They don't usually mention anything about it but if I start on the topic they seem genuinely interested and to be honest they just say they wished I'd said something earlier and stress I must contact them if I struggle. (If only it was that easy) They don't talk down to me at all and say they can see how easily people can become addicted.
What I've done to deserve them I don't know!
It doesn't make me feel much better about myself but it does make me aware that they are wanting me to succeed. Wanting me to be happy and willing me to kick gambling into touch.
I don't think people really realise the mental strain caused by gambling and the way it makes you feel such a failure in life.
I recently read a post on here mentioning the dark cloud that follows you around and the feeling of waking up in the morning after a gambling session the night before - I remembered those feelings well, the heartache and pain it caused. I truly don't want to go back to it.
It helps to be reminded of it every now and again. It reinforces the choices I'm making now are the right ones. The dark cloud has gone and I don't mentally - and even sometimes physically, beat my pillow, (or even myself) up in a morning.
As for everybody, life is still throwing problems my way and to be honest there are times all I want is to hide away and sit and spin the reels but I know that's not the answer and to be honest because I'm self excluded from what seems to be everywhere and have minimal funds at my disposal it's a non starter really.
Well I've rambled long enough.
All good wishes to everyone who's aiming for a better life. We can do this - we must do this if we want to succeed!! xx