Uphill struggle

PS Thanks abstainer and our lady for your recent kind words. They are much appreciated xx

Hi LML .Great to see your life is getting back on track , regaining your composure and starting to live again .

Think of your gambling days as just an unfortunate blip on the landscape .

Your wonderful daughters are displaying unconditional love , compassion , kindness and understanding . I think maybe they picked up those admirable qualities from their mother ..... stephen

Hi, I'm back again, just like the proverbial yo yo.
I had my daughters check my bank account, did it make a difference? Did it heck as like. Maybe it's because they got a bit lapse with their checking. Maybe it's because they let me off and try to understand when I have to confess or, more to the point, it's because I am a total headcase who needs to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame others for my weakness.
I've lost money again. It's affected my life. I got asked to go on a weekend away. 1 week ago I could have gone. Now I have absolutely nothing and when I get something I'll have to pay it out.
I've borrowed off family, I've moaned to friends.
Each time I relapse, another piece of me dies, goes numb, makes me feel like running.
I also go to the next stage of blocking myself from online sites. Now my bank have given me a card that only withdraws my cash from cashpoints. That was after I'd rung them up asking if they could stop my card from being used on gambling sites. Now I can't use it online which is where I gamble.
Sorry for the rubbish news and being an absolute loser. Things must improve now I can't get online.
Onwards and upwards. People don't have to reply. I might just use this site hopefully as a means to an end.
All good wishes x

Least you've come back miss...
You know what you got to do. .
You've just got to really want it..like you said. ..it's up to you...no one else...don't let those slots take anymore from you...hoping the new card helps you to get some distance between you and yours last play....the day i twigged a slot machine was not going to provide the answers to all my problems ....that they had actually caused the vast majority of current dilemmas I was facing. ..made me realise I didn't want a selfish greedy machine as a so called friend..comforter...crutch etc etc ...
Do it for you love. ...we have to do it for ourselves. ...
Trust me....you won't regret it...
It's a dam hard climb to the top of the gamble free hill. ...actually it's a freaking hard slog. ...but once dust settled...things sorted..and plans In place....you're futures yours....controlled by you. ..not a pathetic slot machine. ..
Go for it...it can be done. ..xcc

Hi lml I'm wife of cg and I handle all finance. I was clueless, I had no idea he could still get loans without money in an account. This continued for years. If your daughters are helping you with your money they need to learn about addiction. There is no way in our daily lives we realise what measures we need to put in place. As you say checking once a month doesn't help. I don't envy you this is such a struggle. Just for today, good luck!

Hello LML glad to see your still alive and kicking (missed your contributions to the diaries).

You now seem to have covered all the blocks, exclusions and financial restraints which is good. Getting another beating from the gambling addiction can leave us feeling quite wretched, we've all been in similar places and it's not very nice. However you have your health and a supportive family so just pick yourself up dust yourself down and start all over again ( I think I must have heard that in a film ! ).

What has helped keep me from having a bet is making a daily entry in my diary. Even if it's just a line or two it can become a daily ritual which is preferable to getting abused by wealthy bookmakers.

Take care ......stephen

Thanks to all above. I really don't deserve your support. You've given me so much in the past and I've gone on to throw it all back.
It's easy, you know what kind of future you want, what you have to do to get that future, occasionally after a good few gamble free months you feel like you're getting there then wham! You're right back where you started.
Awful thing is, I seem to be coming immune from the awful feelings that come with a big loss. I used to be in a right state, now I seem to just take it in my stride. Yes, of course I'm upset but I'm not beating myself up quite as much like I used to.
The debt keeps on rising, I try to put it to the back of my head.
I just loved watching the reels and waiting for the big win. Now I don't have the means to do it I'm wanting to educate my head to being gamble free. Dopamine rushes will have to come from somewhere else!
Once again thanks for the kind words above. I will get back on track. I just have to . . . This is not the life I want. Xx

Sick of saying that this is not the life I want. I'm showing my age now when I say I'm like a cracked record!
I'm not so active verbally on the site now but I have always actively read posts.
Gathering my strength up to get through this. I'll just settle for one gamble free day at a time for now.
Strength to all who need it xx

Hi lml

Been reading your story and I’ve noticed there’s a sticky in the overcoming section at the top looking for participants in trialling the new gamstop software for multi online self exclusion. If you have the time it may be of use to you? Just a thought and best wishes

Thanks for your post and your concern Wentworth. I hadn't noticed the sticky so thanks for pointing it out.
I really admire all those who have managed to turn things around.
It's a massive hill to climb.
Why do I need this addiction in my life? I don't like the results of it. I'm lucky, I have so much with my family, especially now that I have a gorgeous little grandson. I don't want him to grow up with an addicted granny!
Sounds awful when I put it like that but that's what I am.
I can do this. I want to lie in my bed at night and not have gambling cross my mind. I love reading books, why can't that be enough? I have always done my gambling when I've gone to bed. I've either gone to bed and gambled or lain there thinking how I shouldn't gamble or that I won't/can't. One way or another gambling has still crossed my mind. I want to go to bed and it not even come to my mind.
Ramble Ramble Ramble. . . Night night xx

4am, been lying awake since 1.30. Got a cold and it'd preventing me from sleeping.
Quiet times like these when our problems weigh on our mind even more so.
Debts emerge in thoughts, although they're manageable now I've got the help of stepchange and a dmp.
Not sure how long creditors will stay quiet for and they'll never be paid off unless I live to be 80 but I'm hoping my circumstances will change by then.
I have tried several ways to prevent me from being able to gamble but eventually failed with them. I could go for months without gambling but then have a couple of weeks where I'd fail and my debts would increase.
I now have no means to do my online gambling, therefore temptation is taken away. (Bank card can only withdraw cash from machines) fortunately I have no urge to go into a bookies or arcade. I'm avoiding playing free slots/demo games even though my head is sometimes telling me to. I'm hoping through not giving myself the fix it will help to not crave it.
To be honest I think about playing these but then just lately it makes me feel a bit disgusted in myself for even thinking it so it puts me off and besides, my head is saying - what's the point?
My family are all happy and healthy so that's a massive plus.
My work is difficult/demanding at the moment but I'm happy to have a wage at the end of the month.
I'm hoping for a brighter future. A future where I'm not reliant on feeding slots with money that seems to be plucked from thin air.
Hoping I can get an hours sleep now I've got this down on paper - so to speak.
Strength and belief to all to create a happier future for ourselves. Especially to those who are really struggling. Many of us have been there, don't forget there are many who have succeeded to turn their lives around. Things can improve but we have to put in the effort. We all deserve a better future x

Hi Lml good to see you posting here again, you're not a loser!! We can all relate to how you're feeling, I lost count of the number of times I would lie awake panicking and asking myself why, the phrase 'the darkest hour is just before dawn' rings in my head. Be kind to yourself and draw a line, which isn't easy but not being able to go online is a good move. Best wishes and here is to the GF life we all want S:)

Thanks sharon, I haven't really been away. I just haven't contributed. Guess that's because of the guilt in me.
It's amazing really. I read posts which advise that online slots are designed to take our money. I agree with them. I've even watched some of the ones which were recommended but even though I could see where they were coming from it still didn't stop me.
I'd like to think I'm of average intelligence (maybe just below!) but when it comes to gambling I'm just a crazy lady! No off switch, and thoughts which tell me hey, you're fine. Perfectly within your right to keep dishing out the pounds - after all you've worked for it! Other people buy new cars/clothes/holidays, you don't therefore you can spend your money on the slots.
As I said, amazing, but those thoughts do appear.
I'm batting them away with a new found energy.
Good wishes to all x

Was tired last night when I wrote the above. Just re-read it and thought what an idiot. To say 'you've earnt it, you deserve to spend it how you like' only thing is I'm kidding myself there as well, it was money from my overdraft which I then moved on to put it on a credit card!! Not my money at all to spend!!! How our heads play tricks on us, just to allow us to gamble and make us feel it's OK. I'm waffling again! x

Ut's good to waffle, I-very always been 'all or nothing' so gambling was a dangerous place for me. You're right, your mind tricks you in to thinking it'S ok to gsmble etc and then the hole gets deeper. Take care S:)