Uphill struggle

Good to hear from you sharon, hope youre ok.
m feeling OK at the moment. It's been a couple of weeks since I last threw my money away.
Totally lost the plot, as we do. Start off thinking I'll just put £20 in and end up banking again and again.
I've been trying to unsubscribe from a number of sites which come up in my emails. (Same subscription company on all of them
It says it has been successful and It'll take a few days to come into practice.
I then get an email from the post master stating that the email sent to them (about 10 times over) is no good and the company concerned have knocked it back therefore not allowing me to unsubscribe.
So so wrong x

Hi LML

Don't be defined by your relapse, it is another day 1, a new day one. You have the will to beat this illness and there is no one more strong willed than a gambler. Our will to gamble overides common sense, we know we will lose but still we gamble. Turn that on it's head and use it as a positive, you have massive will power, more than the "average" person who doesn't gamble.

Move on from your losses and know that each day without a bet is a positive and life can only get better.

I wish you all the very best from the bottom of my heart. You helped along my road and I hope you can get back on that path and stick to it this time.

Matt

Thanks Matt, means a lot hearing from you. I remember your early days well. The emotion in some of your posts just leapt off the screen and hit us straight in the heart. This may sound a bit over the top but I'm sure there are some other regulars who were around last year that would agree with me.
Absolutely thrilled to read how well you are doing. I wish you continued success and happiness.
On a personal level It's really helpful in recovery to log on and see familiar names posting. This addiction can make you feel so alone and to non-addicts, understanding what we do can be really difficult. I know when I write on here, even though sometimes it is waffle, someone, somewhere will hopefully understand where I'm coming from, just as I do when I read other peoples posts.
Strength to everyone, we have to beat this to achieve the ultimate - happiness to all xx

You're welcome LML

You do not need to be alone, especially here. I really hope you can continue your path because we both know it is the only way to win.

Take care

Matt

lml to lml, i share your sorrow, we have and are suffering from the gambling demons, truly taking the enjoyment of life from us, Iv'e read your diary I hope your age (time on your side) allows to lead a better life again in the future - Paul

Hi Paul lml, thanks for your post. I'm afraid my diary must read like a catalogue of failures.
Sounds like you're going through the mill too. Why do we allow this awful addiction do this to us?
I stop, start to feel better in myself then I start up again. Why? - who knows. It always ends the same with me losing so why would I fall for it again?
I can't bet online now but it upsets me that I still think about it and to be brutally honest I still crave the excitement of wondering where the reels are going to stop.
Thoughts - get out of my life. I don't want to know because really all that's going to happen is me 1lose my money and Mr gamble running all the way to the bank.
I want to be normal again. I will be normal again! We can do this Paul! X

Keep going and keep posting.

You are open about everything and that is strength.

Thanks for your support AntAnt. I'm trying hard. I realise the only way I'm going to beat this is to not have the means to go online with a bank card. The temptation is always there if I can.
I also went on the demo play when I wasn't gambling, I'm not doing this now. It's obvious isn't it? - don't allow it in your life and then hopefully I won't need it.
Why I find it so difficult is beyond me. I know all the right things to do so why the heck don't I just do them?
All gambling causes is heartache, pain and a low self-worth.
The last two christmases have been an absolute nightmare with regards to how I have felt about myself, phone calls and emails to samaritans early hours of the morning sat in a freezing cold car made out of desperation. This Christmas I am not going there again.
When I have a break from gambling I feel better about myself - amazing how your emotions can change so quickly. It truly messes with your mind.
I'm feeling good at the moment, I'm nearly 3 weeks gamble free. My head is clearing again, my self-worth is returning, this time it has to be for good. Sorry for talking about Christmas now but that's my next goal. A gamble free Christmas spent with the family and not in a cold car with the samaritans!! Happy Sunday to all x
PS I'm forever grateful to charities like gamcare and the samaritans, without them I would be in a worse place than I am now. I had nobody to turn to because at the time I didn't want my family to know. They truly helped me through terrible times in my life. x

Hi Lml so many similarities in our stories, I can't even try and think about why I was so powerless in the past when it came to online gambling as it does my head in. I had to draw a line on the losses and move on (easier said then done, big time!) I feel like I was in some bubble where literally nothing else matters except gambling almost like a weird love affair. I also have missed out on so many things because I had blown every pennyand even now it scares me to have more than a little bit of money. Good on your for having a good Christmas as an incentive, mini goals are defo the way forward. Take care my friend S:)

Thanks sharon, youre right, we have to draw a line. If I truly thought about it, id probably crack up!
I have 2 close friends who know about my gambling. One who knows how I've struggled has just told me her son has admitted he's thousands of pounds in debt . . . due to gambling.
Needless to say, after seeing how difficult I've found it she's worried for him.
Just as I thought, youngsters of today are being brainwashed by these sites when they watch the sports. There's going to be such a rise in the gambling industry because gambling seems to be the norm to the youth of today. X

Hi lml I’m sure you have been on this site at this time of the day when you have been struggling mentally with what gambling has left u with. I feel destroyed by this addiction and I’m not sure where I going with my life hour by hour , all I can think off are the terrible losses x sorry for posting on your diary again x

Hi LML

Hope you are okay and firmly back on the gamble free path. It sounds like you are doing all you can to take away the tools needed for gambling, that is a good start. Just know this, things will start to turn the corner for you the longer you stay gamble free.

Keep going

Matt

LML, I wish I had that magic wand to help you. All I can do is let you know that I'm thinking of you and tell you that in my darkest hours, I rung the samaritans. It helped just to have a listening ear and helped me to put some things into perspective.
Thanks Matt, changing my bank card to cashpoint only, leaves me with no other option than to stop playing online. In my stupidly addicted head I hate it and think, why did you do this? In my sensible , sort yourself out head, it's amazing. No point in thinking shall I put just a tenner on -because I can't!
I have to ask myself,
Why would I want to gamble after reading some of the heartbreaking diaries on here?
My thoughts go out to everyone tonight who need to gather some strength from somewhere.
A bucketful for you all to help you on your way. X

Saturday night, pay day soon. Looked at my bank account a week ago and noticed they'd put ВЈ10 in for me for having direct debits, using chip and pin etc, . It meant that I now have a grand total of £16 in it. (Terrible slip at beginning of month)
Never bothered but tonight I thought bust it, I'll have a go on online slots with that tenner. Then realised I can't because now I've got a card that I can't use online.
Feeling pretty gutted with myself for still getting the urge and wanting to gamble but I'm positive that bank card will save me money in the future. I've not gone on demo for over 3 weeks now. I must get myself off this destructive path. Can't wait for the day when I give gambling no thought, get no urges and, as in all the best stories live happily ever after!!
Night all xx

Just reading the struggles of others on this site. I'm grateful that today I am not in a place of hopeless despair. I have been there and I don't want to go back.
I'm just ticking along . . . yes thoughts of gambling still in my head but unable to act on them so therefore cannot beat myself up for losing yet more money.
Thoughts I keep in a box at the back of my head are my debts. I'll never be debt free. I pay a small amount to all debts every month through stepchange and I'll probably be doing so till the end of my days.
My friend asked if I could order something online for him today. (He doesn't like using his card details!) I had to admit to not being able to do it, he asked why, I just replied I can no longer use my card online. He didn't ask any more, probably just thinks I've no money. (Which is right of course, I've no credit card now either) Some say I should tell him. I say keep it to the select few. Why should I tell him? Our relationship is not perfect. It's more a friendship than a relationship but that's another matter.
I look at other people's lives - I shouldn't. When you have an addiction which has robbed you of not just money but your own self respect and dignity you see others living what appears to be an easy life and moaning at the slightest thing. I wish the only thing I had to get upset about was a neighbour banging their dustbins in the morning or parking their car, making it slightly difficult to get out the drive.
Having to take their car for an MOT knowing it will probably fail but also knowing that they have excess money in the bank to pay for it anyway.
All problems that others have moaned about in the last few days to me. I just nod and agree and think try living my life but of course they don't know because I'm too ashamed to admit it to all and sundry. Maybe one day I will, but not today. x